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trying to study for a maths exam but i noticed that i am feeling bad, as i see the outcomes for the exam i feel intimidated as i mindlessly wonder to facebook i feel a mix of emotions seeing what people are up to
and suddenly i remember a moment form my childhood
my dad was angry at me for something (he was angry almost all the time about everything) and i argued back showing why he is wrong
he got even angrier and told me not to argue back straight away but wait a few hours and tell him later, as young as i was i didn't see the logic behind why i have to wait to tell him, after that everytime i felt like reasoning and retaliating i held back and kept my resentment and negative emotions inside me not being able to express them but just distracting myself away from the emotions.
i also remember times when he would rage at me (i was so young i didn't understand what i did wrong) and he would talk to me for months

the present: what do i do in response to those past situations and all my other bad childhood experiences right now? i've been wondering recently if i have add or bipolar but i don't think diagnosis is too important so i've tried doing self cbt on google docs to get it sorted before my finals

is it just a matter of acceptance and dealing with the present moment and it's situations/changes and being able to adapt to changes in life?

is there something better i can do to deal with my problems and automatic thinking + frequent fluctuating emotions?
advice, comments on self cbt, conversations with me and others etc would be appreciated
 

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I am also ruined by my childhood...

When I was 5 I was sent to a trip to Greece, because the sea was supposed to help my health (I was ill very often)... Yet it was really devastating experience, because all the kids there were like 2 years older and I had to live with them and they were making fun of me, were calling me names and stuff, I could not defend myself at that age so I ended up crying so often and was drawing into my notebook tears, tears, sad faces, more tears... I remember watching the notebook recently and all the emotions just were back and I was really down.... Also they bullied me in the sea (I could hardly swim) by rubbing my back with jellyfish... It has definitely influenced me and explains my huge drawback from people....

Also my mother seriously damaged me by being perfectionist bitch, I remember walking home with bad grade for the first time, the 5 minutes way took me like 40 minutes, because I was so afraid ... And then she fucking yelled at me because of that bad grade... I remember changing grades in my results by just making a hole in the paper and then rewriting it with a better grade... Seriously that is almost a criminal behaviour, that is how fucking scared I was... I now avoid seeing my mother, after she divorced I have chosen to go with my father, because I have seen him as more liberty... Yet we had total shit and had to fucking start from scratch..... Mother refused to give me the only thing that mattered to me: computer... She also refused to give us anything from the previous home... That was the moment she sort of died for me and I have lost all my emotions towards her...
 

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While we all have our personality traits, we're also products of our environment as well. My late father (who was also an NT but also mentally ill) was psychologically abusive in many ways growing up. The aftermath of all of that stayed with me for a good while, and remnants of it are still there, even at nearly 40 years of age. However, the power of it dissipates over time once you realize just how imperfect our parents are, or you get older and find yourself in their situation (as a parent or adult or whatever) and you see why they acted the way they did, even if you don't agree with it or their actions were extremely irrational and damaging. My late father was a huge language fascist and would constantly correct everyone's pronunciations (he favored UK pronunciations even though he was American), spellings, and grammar. It's probably why I still often go over my writing several times even as an adult and stew over whether I've spelled something correctly or have proper clarity. I still make plenty of mistakes, and often, even with an English degree (shit! I got an English degree!), so you see where even after the years have passed and the parent is dead and gone, they're still somehow in our heads to some extent anyway. My rebellious side likes to take over at times and I'll intentionally write however I please and I tend to favor more simple words than the complex as a way of defying his belief that "bigger words means smarter."

So yeah, our childhood memories affect us as adults and continue to do so, usually with the influence reducing over time.

As for you having ADD or Bipolar, those are two very very different things with very different presentations. Having random thoughts and being distracted or feeling bad don't necessarily equate to those diagnoses, so keep that in mind. I wouldn't self-test or self-diagnose too much when it comes to something more serious like those; I'd suggest going in for testing if you suspect ADD (though there are a lot of students who think they are ADD because they procrastinate studying and do not in fact need meds to get through school), or go to a counselling service in your area if you suspect a mood disorder. Professional help will benefit you more than online quizzes.
 

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Someone posted this over in the iNFJ section, but it may be of interest to anyone. The Gottman Institute researches relationships, most specifically long term romantic relationships and parent child relationships. In this particular paper, a number of things are discussed about the parent child relationship and the outcomes on the general health, well being, and success of the child. A number of studies and researchers are referenced, where one can seek further information about the studies and results.

http://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/EMOTIONALLY_INTELLIGENT_CHILDREN_Updated2.pdf

The way a parent interacts with their children, and handles a child's feelings appears to be extremely important and has a huge impact on the child. While to many of us who are the results of some of the behaviors discussed in the paper, these results might seem to be common sense, it is unfortunately not usually the prevailing understanding or mindset of the general populace and the discipline and obedience tactics created by many "specialists".
 

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I am a 6w7 INTP.

My INFJ mother always had these really high expectations of me which made me incredibly hard on myself. She also never appeared to be happy or impressed with anything I did so I began to be obsessed with recognition and respect from random strangers.

I was always complimented for my intelligence but a lot of my teachers also hated me for not being the perfect behaved student. This happened nearly everywhere I went and I began to just hate social structures and rules to the point where I just rebel against any form of structure.

I was bullied for most of my life up until around high school and most people never trusted me or listened to me. Most of the time they would hate on me without hearing what I had to say or even thinking about it. This made me forgiving of other's mistakes and just a generally nice guy to my friends. I have been described as the nicest person if you are my friend and the most heartless and ruthless person if you are my enemy.

A lot of my friends or people I knew were punished for no reason and they almost never questioned it. They just took the punishment for what it was and dealt with it. Nowadays I question everything authority figures ever say to me. Why follow orders or laws blindly if you have no idea why they are giving you them? I don't see the point.

A lot of people with a higher social standing would boss me around or put restrictions on me. The only thing these people had over me was that they were older. These people also treated those who were lesser or younger than them like crap. I began to hate these people and nowadays I don't acknowledge authority or ranking of any kind and treat everyone like my equal.
 
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