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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Would you stay in a 2 year relationship if you felt that it didn't have the forever potential? For reasons like taking up time, loneliness, someone to do things with, waiting for another person,sex, etc.? If so, can you explain (unless your answer was "sex" and then please don't haha)? If not, that's what I was afraid of :frustrating:
 

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I wouldn't. If there's no potential then I feel like I'm wasting my time. I’d rather be single then.

The thing is, and I see this with some of my friends too, if you have been with someone for a while, you are used to having this person around and you do care for them, etc. Leaving someone will make for a bit of an adjustment at first, of course, but both states (relationship or single) have their pros and cons. In my opinion, people shouldn’t stay with someone for the reasons you mentioned.

Did someone leave you because they didn’t see potential? Or are you considering doing it? ...it’s not really any of my business, so you don’t have to answer. I’m just curious.
 

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Of course not. Relationships are so draining that I would only consider being in one if it had potential.

Same reason why I don't understand casual dating. Even if I conservatively value my time at $100/hour, it's just not worth it compared to a professional.
 

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My INTJ boyfriend dated this girl for 3 years and for the two years I knew them, I knew the relationship was bad. I knew them both for about 3 months before I knew they were dating. Nobody ever referenced their relationship; you just didn't talk about it. She needed more emotional attention than he could/would provide and he was getting more than he wanted. Once when our group (fencers) was out to eat, a new girl asked if they were dating. All of a sudden it was really quiet and tense, and I was suddenly fascinated by the design on my plate. There was a moment before she said yes, he never reacted at all.

I have no idea why he stayed with her as long as he did. Everyone knew they were both miserable. Maybe he knew how badly it would hurt her and in a weird way he was trying to prevent that (of course when he finally did break up with her, it was only a fortnight before we were official-- which admittedly is more my fault, but she completely flipped her shit on us one night at a party).

But although I (as well as everyone else) can already tell our relationship is infinitely more healthy than that one, I must admit there is a tiny part in the back of my head which wonders if he'll act the same way if ever he decides he doesn't love me anymore. Is he just going to put up with it until someone better comes along? I do hope I get more credit than that.
 

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I will never be in a relationship that can do mental, physical, or emotional harm to me. So no, I leave once I know its bad.
 

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I agree. Unfortunately, it takes me very long to realize that, presumably because I'm very difficult to truly hurt, and my INTJ blindness for emotions.
 

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I say you ought to consider not only it's negative effects on you, but on the other person, to stay in a relationship that is not right/meant to be. When you stay together, you do not allow the possibility of something better. It's like the concept that until you let go of what you're holding tight to, your hands aren't free to receive/hold onto something better... You can miss the "great" for holding onto the "good"...

As INTJs, we always like to improve things, so if what IS NOW isn't working, we aren't willing to just let it be. Process it until you find the better, and moreso the BEST. Then MAKE IT SO.

Best of luck to you. Please be kind to yourself and your other... allow you both to find the BEST.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Did someone leave you because they didn’t see potential? Or are you considering doing it? ...it’s not really any of my business, so you don’t have to answer. I’m just curious.
To answer a few of these questions, no. I'm not the one in the relationship I questioned. It is a good INTJ friend that has grown distant. I can't tell if he is in it full-heartedly or just abiding his time with someone he finds interesting and comfortable. He very well may be in love but every time I see them they act more like friends. I only question his current relationship because of a past relationship where he stayed with someone who lived in another country for what he felt like was too long, but because she was not around all the time, he was able to ride it out. It took him finding someone else to show that he needed to end it.
 

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Maintaining a relationship of any kind is usually taxing for us. If he doesn't want the relationship, be it just as friends or something more, he would not have a hard time ending it and being fairly direct about it. We don't like to play games and beat around the bush. INTJs are prone to staying in friendships that are enjoyable and easy. Whether this other person means anything more to him or not, even he may not really know. In response to the original question I would have to agree with all of the other posts. We will stick around as friends if its easy, but most INTJs do not like dealing with the work and to some extent the moral dubiousness of "stringing someone along".
 

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What part of your jungian functions as INTJ's makes "maintaining relationships" so taxing, or does this differ from person to person in the type? Just curious because of the semantics. I found the idea fascinating.
 

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What part of your jungian functions as INTJ's makes "maintaining relationships" so taxing, or does this differ from person to person in the type? Just curious because of the semantics. I found the idea fascinating.
An interesting question, as I've never really thought of that, its just how I always felt. Upon further reflection I would say that it is twofold.

1.) Unlike our INFJ cousins, our F is far less developed and usually more troublesome than any other function in terms of leading us astray.

2.) This part may admittedly rely on personal differences, but many INTJs (though certainly not all) have underdeveloped social skills. Wihen interacting with 99% of people I have to pretend to be interested in things I am bored with and hold my tongue on more intellectual topics that I find fascinating but everyone else finds boring. In short INTJs often do not fit in, so relationships are reduced to a cost-benefit analysis: Is there some reason for making an effort to understand/care about x's feelings?

Some people have enough incentive for us to work hard for them (i.e. they are our superiors and we want that promotion, or we need something from x.) For others it is that the cost is relatively low, if we find that we relate to them easily we will obviously be happy to engage with them. Occasionally you find those people who are easy to talk and relate to and who offer a high payoff for working with (usually in the form of friendship). Those are the best, but by far the rarest.
 

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I would only stay in it to try and analyze/perfect our relationship and prove that it could work... I don't know I could easily accept a verdict that it could not if my SO was someone I truly pursed and gave my all. However, if I knew long term the relationship was unalterably futile I would give in... Except at this point experience in romantic relationships is something I need and conventionally dysfunctional ones can offer that to a point...
 

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I may be in such a relationship right now, but I refuse to abandon it unless she makes the call that it's no longer worth pursuing. The guilt would crush me if I ever left, and I would feel like a whore if I ever left and pursued a relationship with someone else; such an act would cheapen both the new relationship and memories of the old. :sad:
 

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What part of your jungian functions as INTJ's makes "maintaining relationships" so taxing, or does this differ from person to person in the type? Just curious because of the semantics. I found the idea fascinating.
I don't really find maintaining a relationship taxing, as long as I know my SO is happy. I tend to be not so good in situations where I need to display a lot of F to help her with issues she is having. The thing is, when the relationship breaks down, it's just not worth it, as it doesn't lead to growth for either partner. I don't pull the plug easily, but I do so decisively.

I may be in such a relationship right now, but I refuse to abandon it unless she makes the call that it's no longer worth pursuing. The guilt would crush me if I ever left, and I would feel like a whore if I ever left and pursued a relationship with someone else; such an act would cheapen both the new relationship and memories of the old.
Staying in a bad relationship is bad for both partners. Basically, you are inflicting a poor relationship on your partner because you want to protect your own ego. Not very mature. You will need to temporarily crush some people. I know I sure as hell did. It comes with love, it's pretty much inevitable.
 

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I don't really find maintaining a relationship taxing, as long as I know my SO is happy. I tend to be not so good in situations where I need to display a lot of F to help her with issues she is having. The thing is, when the relationship breaks down, it's just not worth it, as it doesn't lead to growth for either partner. I don't pull the plug easily, but I do so decisively.



Staying in a bad relationship is bad for both partners. Basically, you are inflicting a poor relationship on your partner because you want to protect your own ego. Not very mature. You will need to temporarily crush some people. I know I sure as hell did. It comes with love, it's pretty much inevitable.
The relationship isn't bad throughout, and we can just as easily enjoy ourselves together as not on any given day. The biggest actual problem is that we don't have as many interests in common as I would like, and this detail only seems to bother me.
 

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Well, then the question is how much this matters to you. You can do your interest with friends. It's more difficult to do that with the physical/intimate/deeply personal aspect of a relationship. I personally don't care too much about interests, more that I can have a generally good time with my SO.
 

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In my own life, at the present time and under the current circumstances, I find myself noticing more and more that friendship seems to differ from type to type based on the needs that are being met in those relationships. For me, as an INFJ, I have connection and understanding needs met in my friends, and I can honestly count on one hand the number of real friends I have.

What needs are answered in the friendships of an INTJ and does the answering of those needs often balance out the relative cost of maintaining the relationship? I apologise to the OP if this line of thought seems completely contrary and irrelevant to the thread. I found the idea of all/most relationships as bing inherently burdensome for an INTJ so fascinating because the vast majority of my relationships I would also classify as "taxing", but the true frindships and love/romantic relationships I pursue nourish me because I feel safe being both giver and receiver in those relationships.
 
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