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Discussion Starter #1
Not sure if there is a particular thread for these kind of posts, so I'm gonna go ahead a make a new one.

I'm an INFJ female.

Annnd I recently got involved with one of my best friends of over 6 years.

He's pretty outgoing, managing to project a sense of enthusiasm and fun during literally any situation, but also has a world of hidden insecurities (not just the intuitive part of me kicking in, he's opened out to me on occasions about various topics that I wouldn't have believed he felt so strongly about) He makes his own way and is a very hard worker, super confident at what he does. And is willing to out of his way to help someone important to him. Conversely, he gets bored ridiculously fast (which irks me to no end), I feel that he takes my friendship for granted every so often, assuming I'm always going to be around, so goes for long periods without paying attention to it,distracted by something else. And he also has very occasional bouts of depression where he lashes out at the wrong person disproportionately.

So, based on those factors, he's an ENFP I'd say?

Being friends for that long, I've seen him through two bad break ups and he's seen me through the only major relationship I've been in and the breakup that followed almost 4 years later. Also, he's seen me through a few ridiculous attempts at an INFJ trying fwb scenarios, disastrous as they were. Hah.. =| Point is, neither of us have been the least bit judgmental about each other in anyway when it comes to relationships in the past.

Anyway, after we got involved, I did my typical 'let's pretend this is something I'm totally not thinking about' sort of defensive, but he saw through that fairly easily. We got to talking and admitting we had feelings for each other, him admitting that he's always had feelings for me but there had never been the right time to tell me about them. Thinking back, all this was began at a pretty terrible time, we were meeting after a year and had only 2 days to spend together till we left to our respective countries.

He is one of the few people I find myself opening up to totally, and somehow he manages to bring out various aspects of my personality that lie hidden but so enjoy when they do come out, I always have so much fun with him. Also, the degree of comfort and security he brings is something I don't feel very often. But I've found myself shutting off from him to some extent, contradicting all that we've had in the past, because I'm sort of scared to find out if he doesn't value our friendship as much as I do. And that's what I'm really afraid of, the prospect of ruining one of the few truly valued friendships I have if we do go along this path and something goes wrong.

In general circumstances, do INFJs and ENFPs work out at all? Are INFJs just too much of an effort to get into a relationship with? Are ENFPs a bit manipulative in getting what they want (even though they may not know they are) and do they have the habit of losing interest easily? I realize it's all dependent on each individual at the end of the day, but I'd like to know if anyone's been in a similar situation. Or, if you think I'm wrong in my typing of him, let me know what you think he is based on the personality description.

I can't tell if this is extremely unhealthy to get into or if I need to lower my walls a little and be open for what might happen.

..Jeez, sorry about how long this is. I wasn't even aware of half the things I was going to type, it all seemed to come out of nowhere. =P
 

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I would agree that if you go from friends to romantic partners, and should that not go well, it will be quite difficult to get back to being just friends. I'm not sure about the typing, and I'm even less sure it matters. My advice is always the same in these situations: lower the walls and give it everything you've got, lest you want that woulda', coulda', shoulda' regret down the road, and we all know how much that sucks. Plus, and perhaps most importantly, it sounds like you really like the guy! Nothing unhealthy about any of that.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Ahh, well that does make sense. Nothing worse than regretting not having done anything about a situation, something that happens fairly often!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. =)
 

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Take the shot. Living life with regrets isn't fun. I missed too many opportunities in high school and I regret some of them. Things might not work out and as mentioned above, repairing the damage could be hard. But look at the other possibility. You might know who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
 

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ENFPs are a great match for the INFJ (2nd only to the ENTP).
He'll annoy the heck outta' you and he'll be mean at times, but you guys would be fine.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Well, this clearly went amiss. After the initial talks and positive responses, there was a sudden shift and he's completely cut off contact.

Ugh, how did this happen? It's just like what I was afraid of. I don't know how to draw attention to the fact that I would rather things go back to how they were, but I know I can't do that without losing some self worth. In the sense, I should probably just learn my lesson and try forget about him. It's just that I haven't the faintest clue how to 'forget' about him, he really was one of my best friends and I trusted him.

This had to happen at a point in life when I was most vulnerable, at that..
 

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Your friendship sounds ruined to me already... go for it.

I generally don't maintain friendships with women I've liked in the past or slept with... it's just something lingers in the air there, impeding the friendship. Perhaps the friendship was based upon that attraction in the first place? Once I've made up my mind against that attraction, the friendship is no longer appealing?

Something to consider.
 
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Discussion Starter #8
Thanks.. That did give me something to think about. Might make it easier to stop dwelling, too.
 

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To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to others is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing.
The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
they forfeited their freedom.
Only the person who risks can be free

You'd be mad not to! Don't overcomplicate it. The best relationships are those that start out with friendship, because as initial 'passions' lose their impetus, you are left with nothing....unless of course you were friends to begin with - and that can lead to a deep lifelong committment.
 

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My response is pretty straight forward.

Sometimes you have to risk everything to gain everything...and then some.
 
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Well, this clearly went amiss. After the initial talks and positive responses, there was a sudden shift and he's completely cut off contact.

Ugh, how did this happen? It's just like what I was afraid of. I don't know how to draw attention to the fact that I would rather things go back to how they were, but I know I can't do that without losing some self worth. In the sense, I should probably just learn my lesson and try forget about him. It's just that I haven't the faintest clue how to 'forget' about him, he really was one of my best friends and I trusted him.

This had to happen at a point in life when I was most vulnerable, at that..
How do you know this is intentional? Maybe he had a secret mission to the middle of withoutreceptionville? Or maybe he got "scared" and acted like you did in the beginning?

What about the timeframe of your relationship with him after you guys fucked? What you said is too general for me to wrap my mind around.

Finally, what are your goals with him? A relationship doesn't exist for its own sake; a relationship is a partnership with sex (well, it used to be marriage, but, *sigh*, times change). What is the goal of this partnership -- to simply keep each other good company and feel good? Or have you guys talked about/decided (originally) to go for more?
 

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I don't know how to draw attention to the fact that I would rather things go back to how they were, but I know I can't do that without losing some self worth.


Why is that?


I'll stand slightly against what some of the sentiment here seems to be, and say that if you really care for this individual, and he cares for you, your friendship is too precious to risk for mere feelings. There should be some level of conviction behind those feelings if there's a really good shot at it working. Of course you have to take a shot eventually to land something, but here you already have something precious, which is someone who brings a lot of wonderful things out in you.

I'd say take it slow when involving a friend. As an INFJ, your feelings are certainly complex, and as a fellow INFJ, I know for a fact that the world doesn't always take into account all those complexities when deciding the fate of things. There seem to be key differences between you two that could result in an ultimately unhealthy relationship. I concede that feelings may (and I say may) be above explanation, but there are a lot of things not above explanation that factor into a healthy relationship.

I don't think you lose self worth unless that's the only way you see it, by bringing things back to how they were.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Soo, I'm bringing this thread back after forever, because this relationship has come back into my life after two years as well. Ahh, another endless INFJ ENFP chronicle.

Things did not end so well last time around. Distance played a major role, we only met each other maybe 2 days over 2 years because neither of us were in the same city. I did get everything that was bothering me off my chest early last year, and then I withdrew from almost all contact for about a year because I still felt that my friendship was not as important to him as I thought, almost felt used to some extent. But as time goes by, the more I realize how I was in the wrong for expecting so much as well, and I was probably not the healthiest INFJ for the longest time.

However, we were still in touch when we needed to collaborate over work, and over the last few months, we had been talking a bit more than usual and he has called several times for various advice. It's not through any planning that we ended up in the same city again, it all happened very suddenly.

We got involved again after a few weeks of spending alottt of time together. It has been pretty great and the most comfortable, silly and intense situation I've been in, and I'm enjoying the moment. There is so much to learn and to teach, I've never been in a situation like that before. I've also finally realised that he has about 2,564 other people to cater to as well, being even more E than he was, and that doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe cause I've gotten a little less introverted myself. There's even an unspoken understanding we have at social events, wherein he flits from group to group holding center stage and throwing ideas around and collaborates with everyone, and I gravitate towards little groups and get deep into what their thoughts are about various things and share experiences. So we both get our fill, and rejoin eventually without putting much pressure on each other.

Of course, I am pretty worried that at some point, my idealistic INFJ tendencies and his ENFP boredom tendencies might rear their heads again.

How do INFJs keep it real and how do you deal with perceived ENFP fleeting interest?

I do not want to idealize this relationship as I have in the past. We get to spend time with each other finally, and I'd like to enjoy this as much as I possibly can without losing my sense of self, nor do I want to inadvertently hurt him or myself.
 

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I will compare two common grounds of misunderstandings with INFJ and ENFP personalities.

From what I have found:

1. INFJ's need time alone. ENFP's don't get it, but if I am confident in my relationship with that person (or if I know they are an INFJ), I roll with it, knowing they will come back.

2. ENFP's need time to spend with multiple people. This may confuse an INFJ, and make he or she feel less valued. BUT what it really does is make an ENFP value that relationship even more and come back rejuvenated, so just roll with it, knowing they'll come back.

So it's not that we become disinterested in you, it's that we are way too interested in so many things going on outside of ourselves including you. But if he likes you, he will always come back to you. The way you are handling it now I think is just fine.
 
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Discussion Starter #16
Thank you for the pointers.. As of now, just trying to find the mid-ground between 'just go for it!' and 'take it slow' =P
 
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