Personality Cafe banner

1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
MOTM July 2012
Joined
·
8,033 Posts
i'm so sorry :(. that is so difficult.

sometimes reaching out to people who are lonely, who have lost all their family or friends through illness or death (like elderly widows, or children whose parents have died) can really help. somehow it can be therapeutic to help someone else through the pain you yourself are feeling. and you are helping someone else in the process.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,390 Posts
How do you let go when one of the few people you've ever trusted (say, your best friend for over 6 years), isn't there for you anymore?
:(

There's someone in my life I sort of grew up with. We didn't live in the same town, but since his parents and mine used to best friends when they were younger, me and my friend saw each other a lot during holidays and weekends. He became my best friend, it was mutual, for nearly a decade (age 6-15 or so).

Then once, I let him in on something personal that happened long before we considered each other best friends. After that, our friendship grew cold. We didn't contact each other much. I think something happened in his life at that point, he became really distant with me and a mutual friend of ours.

A little more than a decade later, I invited him to a small party that I organized to celebrate getting my bachelors degree, and he gave me this card, on which he had written how we were friends for life. It was so out of the blue, but I do feel what he wrote is true, that our friendship is still out there somewhere, that it is still mutual.

I still have these questions. What happened (to him)? Why did we 'let go' of each other? I haven't tried asking him this yet, I will when I think the time is right.

What I did in the mean time, was trying to concentrate on other things - school, studies, other friends. I'm not sure I've ever let go of our friendship, but "out of sight, out of mind" applied to me. Even if we saw each other at places, like birthday parties, hanging out with mutual friends etc. I avoided him, as he avoided me.

I think you have tried to talk about it with your best friend? Or so your post seems to imply. Maybe you could talk about it with a mutual friend of you two. Well, the letting go part will just happen, but you may want to talk about it with someone else, every now and then. How are you dealing with it now?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
351 Posts
I've recently lost my closest friend to a new significant other, and drugs.

I've had quite a difficult time with the realization of this loss. We still talk, on occasion, but I am certain things will never be the same. My goal lately has been to accept that people will come and go, and that there is little I can do about this.
I am still plenty willing to talk with her when she needs it, but I have decided to stop trying to reach her. She must live her own life, and I mustn't treat her as if she is my child, though I am often plagued with worry.

Lately, I turn my attention toward other things, and am trying to adapt to life without my best friend.
This recent loss has shown me that I need not attach myself to people, or depend on others to bring me joy. Many friends are temporary. I just hope to find someone, someday
that sticks around.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
696 Posts
I have had similiar situations happen several
times throughout my life.

It can be heartbreaking and one wonders if it's possible for
anyone to replace said friend.

I have found though, that over time, new people do come
along and sometimes they are more suited to where I'm
at psychologically, i.e. stage of growth.

I have far less people in my life now for varying reasons,
but I don't seem to need as many to as I did when younger.
However, quality friends are still important.

After having these losses, I am somewhat wary of whom
I allow to get close. I am also getting better at detachment,
for those folk who do come and go. Not easy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
521 Posts
I can really relate to this, as this is something that is happening to me right now. I just found out that someone I've been close friends with for 4 years no longer feels any connection to me. She has felt this way for some time, but I didn't hear about this until now. There are definitely things that I could have done better. I put her on a pedestal, and that put unrealistic expectations on her. And I also acted weird around her, and overreacted to lots of little things. At least I learned about the mistakes I've made.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
This is my biggest problem - losing people I TRULY care about. Maybe I care too much, I care too deep and this is the reason I'm losing them, even if they are close to me, even if I share my life with them... I always know that they are waiting for my step, I know they give me a chance and I'm losing it, I'm fu*king losing it. In order to not make myself fool in their eyes I ignore them but it brings more pain and more foolness. It's a vicious circle I cannot break. And I'm getting less happy and less loved althrough I care so much...
 
  • Like
Reactions: Strat19 and refugee

·
MOTM January 2013
Joined
·
10,631 Posts
I don't think we ever truly get over someone that has passed away. For me, it gets harder as time goes on. Its as if with every passing moment, they are more and more distant.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,356 Posts
I have the same question about when someone you love romantically just suddenly stops calling or responding to your calls. I've never understood that, and the times that it happened to me in the past still bother me forever later.

How hard is it to just say, "I don't think this is going to work out?"
 

·
Registered
ISFP (ESI-Se)
Joined
·
735 Posts
Well for me, this happens a lot. Since I don't really keep contact with people, as I have gone from elementary-middle-highschool-university. I have lost all friends during each transition. I mostly just accept it and look for new friends.

Only once was it really painful. At a party I had acting kind of slutty due to large amount of alcohol and a guy started treating me REALLY bad. I wont go into details, but it really hurt my feelings..

A few weeks later my best (and only) friend told me she had started dating that guy behind my back and didn't tell me to spare my feelings.. Normally, I would have accepted her choice, but the fact she was hiding it made it clear that she knew it would hurt my feelings and she simply didn't care about them. That really, really hurt my feelings. I know it is illogical, but I stopped talking to her. I started thinking back and I realized that, considering she had always called me a slut anyways, she thought it was okay how this guy treated me because, in her eyes, I actually was a slut (I most definitely am not, I have only had sex with people I was in relationships with). I thought back to others things she had said, and I realized she was harming my confidence and happiness more then helping it.

I cut ties with her immediately.

Of course, she was my best friend. So it was really painful cutting ties. When I would see her it would be really painful and I would have to leave and start crying. I had a serious boyfriend at this time, so he would comfort me and make me feel better. It ended up being something that hurt our relationship because he felt like I cared more about my old best friend than about him.

Eventually, as time went by. My feelings faded. When I see her we nod and that's all. When I think about her I see the pleasant and bad times, emotionally void. It doesn't affect me anymore..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Try to reach out to him. If he's not responsive, move on. People drift away all the time, for various reasons. Perhaps he needs to distance himself from people and has his own issues to deal with. Perhaps he's changed. In any case, it's his loss. I'm sure there are plenty of other people who would love to get to know you. Perhaps in time he'll want to reconnect with you. It's up to you whether you want to keep that door open or not. But life is too short to fixate over a relationship.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
656 Posts
You find new friends. Life is always changing and you need to learn to let go of the old and embrace the new. It can certainly suck, but it can be amazing if you let it!
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Top