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By my sophomore year of college I lost touch with all of my high school friends. By junior year, I no longer talked to my friends from freshmen year. Now, I've graduated college and I'm already starting to lose contact with my friends from college all together.

I don't know if it's an ISTJ thing or an introverted thing in general.

I think it's because I find it hard to call someone out of the blue for no reason just to talk, even my very close friends. I have the mindset of "if they want to hang out or talk, they'll call me", but what if they also feel the same way? Another thing of note is that each time I've "lost" friends, I've created another social circle entirely. Maybe I lose touch because it takes too much out of me to maintain the new circle of friends?

What do you guys think? Anyone else experience/struggle with this?
 

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MOTM May 2011
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Part of it is a natural process--as your interests change, so will your friends. People with similar circumstances make the best friends because we have these things in common. As a twenty year old, I didn't have many fifty year old friends. Now that I'm approaching fifty, I find that I don't have many twenty year old friends. After I was married, my friends changed. After I had kids, they changed again. That part is just life.

But there is something to maintaining friendships. I have about a half dozen friends from my childhood that are still my friends at various levels. Sometimes it is a bit of work to pick up the phone and call them to talk about nothing.
 

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I agree. It IS extremely difficult, but doable. I don't really like talking on the phone; I'm grateful for QWERTY cell phones. I can send off a quick message to a friend and make plans that way.

"Plans" usually consist of me going over to their house and having supper and watching TV, but it sure beats sitting at my house staring at my cats.
 

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When it comes down to it, friendship is a two-way street. You have no obligation to keep in touch, you do it because you want to, because you enjoy their company. And if one person does all the work to keep in touch, that becomes an obligation rather than a true friendship.

A good way around this is to schedule recurrent meetings - I meet one of my closest friends for lunch once a week, same time, same place - all it takes is a single txt message to confirm or take a raincheck for the next week. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't see her at all (we're both pretty bad at maintaining regular contact).
 

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This is what has happened to me. The only people from high school that I hang out with are the ones who share my values/interests. The rest I do sometimes hang out with if they invite me to a party etc but I don't initiate contact with them. I guess I hung around them in high school because it was like a routine / expected.

I've always kept in contact with my close friends. All my close friends are introverts so someone has to take the initiative and sometimes that means me.
 

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Somebody once told me (a child psychologist, I think) that when you're young, you make friends based on common interests. As you mature, and your interests change, those friendships fade out and you build new, more enduring friendships based on complementary personalities and mutual appreciation of each others differences (cf similarities).
 

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Try and change your attitude to "If I want to hang out with them, I'll call them." If they don't respond favourably once, try again. If they don't respond favourably twice, give up. However if you always wait for someone else to get in touch first you might miss out one some friendships that could last otherwise. You don't have to call them, but a quick "Hey, how's it going, fancy a drink on Thursday?" over the internet takes 2 seconds. Or if they're not in the same town then just "Hey, how's it going?"... it's enough to show you care :)
 

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Definitely describes my situation...but like another poster, I still have friends I've known since childhood.

I'm definitely going to pick up my phone and call as many of them as I can first thing once winter break starts.
 

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i was the one who made all the effort to maintain the friendship [after leaving hometown/school etc]. my tremendous patience ran out one day. i did meet a couple of them again years later and it was very awkward... we no longer had anything in common.

the acquaintances i have made in the past 10 years are all older than i, some are more than twice my age. i get on great with older people.
 

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Somebody once told me (a child psychologist, I think) that when you're young, you make friends based on common interests. As you mature, and your interests change, those friendships fade out and you build new, more enduring friendships based on complementary personalities and mutual appreciation of each others differences (cf similarities).
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing this.
 

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^^Yeah, I thought cursivelogic's post deserved multiple thanks--I just couldn't thank it more than once, myself.
 

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I'm sure you wish you could, Niss. You're a thank-a-holic. I'm surprised you don't go through every single post on the entire forum and hit "THANKS" on it :crazy:
 

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Aaawwe.. KMitch, I think it's pretty common to lose touch with close friends even though we've grown so close but so far over the years.. sometimes due to distance, different lifestyles (parenting vs. singlehood), etc. etc.

So nope! It's not just you!:]
 

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I'm sure you wish you could, Niss. You're a thank-a-holic. I'm surprised you don't go through every single post on the entire forum and hit "THANKS" on it :crazy:
Ya mean like I did that one? :wink:

It's because I appreciate them taking the time to express their thoughts. I may not always agree, but I'm always appreciative of the input. I remember when this forum was a tomb and it took days and weeks to archive a thread.
 
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If my friends dont see me on a daily or weekly basis like school, work, walking the dog, then i will loose contact and i dont really care either. Since i dont live with my parents which dont live together I dont really care about loosing touch with them cause they seem more like pointless conversations i never lived with them long.
 

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By my sophomore year of college I lost touch with all of my high school friends. By junior year, I no longer talked to my friends from freshmen year. Now, I've graduated college and I'm already starting to lose contact with my friends from college all together.

I don't know if it's an ISTJ thing or an introverted thing in general.

I think it's because I find it hard to call someone out of the blue for no reason just to talk, even my very close friends. I have the mindset of "if they want to hang out or talk, they'll call me", but what if they also feel the same way? Another thing of note is that each time I've "lost" friends, I've created another social circle entirely. Maybe I lose touch because it takes too much out of me to maintain the new circle of friends?

What do you guys think? Anyone else experience/struggle with this?
I think it is natural for ISTJ's just because the same thing happened to me the only person I really would ever keep in tough with is my significant other if she was still around..
 

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I only really have one friend I talk to on a regular basis, I have known her since 6th grade, everyone else if they dnt say anything to me then odds are I'm not going to say anything to them. I use to feel bad about it but I got over it quickly
 
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I didn't keep in touch with anyone from school, and only recently added these people as friends on Facebook. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially realising now how many of my old friends are still friends with each other, and that they have these very close friendships which have lasted 15+ years. I feel jealous but I also remember that I didn't want to stay friends with people.

Although I enjoyed being friends with some people at school, I couldn't be bothered with the majority of them, and was glad to see the back of them when I left. I am really, really picky about who my friends are (actually at the moment I don't really have any friends) and don't like casual friendships at all. I feel the need to know everything about someone and for things to be a bit 'deeper' than just chitchat.

If I do find that person that I'm interested in, I am scared to come across as too 'eager' and so I am likely to end up not staying in contact with them unless they show that they are equally interested in being my friend. Doesn't happen often!!!!

I think the biggest factor is that I get nearly all of my social needs met by my husband, and I seriously don't NEED friends (but sometimes I would like one) so I don't want to give up my time to keep friendships going. That sounds horrible but I don't mean it to.
 

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MOTM May 2011
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I didn't keep in touch with anyone from school, and only recently added these people as friends on Facebook. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially realising now how many of my old friends are still friends with each other, and that they have these very close friendships which have lasted 15+ years. I feel jealous but I also remember that I didn't want to stay friends with people.

Although I enjoyed being friends with some people at school, I couldn't be bothered with the majority of them, and was glad to see the back of them when I left. I am really, really picky about who my friends are (actually at the moment I don't really have any friends) and don't like casual friendships at all. I feel the need to know everything about someone and for things to be a bit 'deeper' than just chitchat.

If I do find that person that I'm interested in, I am scared to come across as too 'eager' and so I am likely to end up not staying in contact with them unless they show that they are equally interested in being my friend. Doesn't happen often!!!!

I think the biggest factor is that I get nearly all of my social needs met by my husband, and I seriously don't NEED friends (but sometimes I would like one) so I don't want to give up my time to keep friendships going. That sounds horrible but I don't mean it to.

Close friendships that lasted 15 years? That's probably your perspective more than reality. Pretty rare to begin with, and you must also take into account electronic friend finders, such as Facebook and Plaxo. Many are likely searching out old friends and are reconnecting with people from years gone by.

I'd recommend that you not be too closed off to new friendships. Yeah, you can get hurt--but nothing ventured, nothing gained. And friends are a primary need for emotional growth. Big factor.
:happy:
 
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