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I recently got out of a relationship with an INTJ. It was a toxic one I think, if I look back at it. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore if have to be concise and blunt. Nothing moves my soul, nothing excites me and everything bores me after a few seconds. I think of the future and I feel like I will never end up anywhere successful and that I'll end up as a failure with a job that doesn't make me happy. I currently study Psychology, I find it okay but I feel like its not the thing that really moves me. But then again I feel like nothing truly moves me that much.

I feel very sad because I can't trust anything or anyone around me anymore after this relationship. I feel like a horrible person too and that the relationship ended because of me and my demanding outlook. When he was breaking up with me he told me it was not my fault at all and that he was simply missing something in him to function, and that he wasn't ready, he also said he fell out of love me which doesn't make any sense since he never even told me he loved me and when I asked him if he did ever love me he just replied with "i cared for you very deeply"???? Either way it has left me distraught because I feel so used and tossed aside. He told me he still wants me as a friend and how he doesn't want to lose me from his life but rather he can't be my boyfriend anymore because he cannot love me. I agreed but then changed my mind later on and told him I can't, he was sad about this but understood. We dated for a year and during that year he hid me from everyone in his life because he was bisexual and not out. If anyone asked about me he told them I was the friend of the "girl" he was seeing. I loved him so much and still do but I also hate him. I hate him because I feel like he manipulated me at times and lied to me. Whenever the hatred comes out for him I feel like a horrible person because I feel like maybe he didn't even manipulate me and I'm just looking into it all too much and that this is exactly why the relationship drove to an end, all because of my resentful and demanding attitude. But then I start hating myself for thinking so "naively" and that I should snap out and see how much of a dick he is.

After a month from the break up I reached out to him and asked him if I was demanding and he told me I was and it broke me and I felt so horrible. He then revealed he was sexually assaulted as a teenager and that he was also recently forcefully touched at the gym and how this broke him. He told me he doesn't want my pity and that he will be fine and that he told me this because it explains stuff about his "existence". I felt devastated after this and wanted to be there for him and I was for a week and I also met up with him. That went bad since we ended up hooking up and then he all of a sudden had a breakdown about making a mistake of hooking up with me and how he doesn't want a relationship with me. I ended up comforting him but he broke down further and said that sometimes he feels like a compulsive liar because he lies about almost everything and how he has been so weak ever since being touched.. He then all of a sudden was okay as if nothing happened and told me he is leaving. I felt upset about this because I was so shocked about everything that happened all at once it made me feel like he used me as an emotional/booty call. So i told him it would feel worse for me if he left now and instead of the morning and he accused me of manipulating him by saying that and I felt so shitty and thought maybe I am manipulating him without realizing and that maybe thats why the relationship ended too. He stayed over anyway but left the next morning. We texted for a few days after that but since I still loved and hated him I just couldn't handle all the emotions and told him I can't speak to him anymore due to my feelings being a mess and numb both at the same time. I then started thinking and found it weird how he told me something like this after the relationship ended rather than telling me when the relationship was actually going on and it made me super paranoid about his intentions and whether he was trying to manipulate me to keep talking to him since he was kind of sad when I told him I can't be his friend.

Anyway, my main point is that I feel so out of place with who I am, I feel so paranoid and I have no idea what is going on in my life anymore. I basically feel like a fucked up person with horrible emotions. Actually... thinking about it.. I kinda feel traumatized in some way, if that makes sense. I miss being free, I miss myself, I miss not being trapped in the torturous chambers of my mind and most importantly I miss the glimmer of hope. I have no idea what to do anymore and its killing me..

I also am not sure whether I should stay friends with my ex after what he told me because although I want to be there for him, I also fear what his true intentions really are..
Any comment is truly appreciated!
 

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I´m sorry you are going through all this! But, don´t worry, just give it time and you will heal. It´s important you DON`T stay in touch with him (the no contact rule).:hugs:
 

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Given your break-up, it isn't at all strange to feel like this. You need time to heal.
By the way, you're really young- this type of disappointment can take a longer time to be forgotten when we have just entered the world of adults and don't have enough experience- again, it is normal.
And, you're an INFP. My sister went through a phase of numbness and philosophical nihilism just after having started to pursue her beloved field- the art. Her mood changed for better afterward. I guess she should have an internal journey to deal with the other world that doesn't match her ideals (INFPs are the famous idealists, after all). It isn't uncommon for INFPs to have similar experiences.
IMO, knowing more about your type can be very helpful, as it makes you see your ups and downs from a different angle and gives you some ideas about how to fix your specific problems.
 

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Sounds like you really need to practice self-care right now--drink water, eat healthy stuff, be easy on yourself, and go through the things you used to enjoy and try them again. Go out there and make new friends. Basically do anything and everything you can think of to care for yourself.

So I would really focus on that right now. Sounds like you've been through the washer, emotionally, and that's always a good time to practice radical self care.
 
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