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So, here for me (INFJ) school started recently, I'm a somophore (10th grade in my country). The closest friend I've ever had in school (an ENTJ, but I also have an ENFP bff out of school who is like my sister because we've been best friends for 7-8 years) started drifting away from me since the middle of the summer. And well, it was my fault, I think. She very (not) subtlety told me that I have no goals in life, a conclusion that she's taken from the fact that I usually wake up around 10+ am, and I reacted quite badly because I didn't take the time to process it and said something stupid like "yeah, thanks for ruining my day, you know I have a low self-esteem already". After that she didn't talk to me for three days until I finally couldn't take all this bs and apologized for overreacting (though she shouldn't have said that in the first place but...that's just her way to be). She proudly accepted it and put me restrictions and set borders to our relationship, telling me clearly that I can't change her decisions (we were deskmates and she even brought me arguments against staying in the same desk together, one of them being that "i'm dependent of her" even tho I was just being loyal and seeking for discussions with her because we are like-minded but at the same time so different, and ok I liked being with her, but dependent is way too far). Well, ok, I buried that in me so we wouldn't have a conflict again. She said that she believes in second chances and no more, but I was feeling like I couldn't be myself anymore around her, that i'd say or do something wrong and get her leave me forever.
Then the school started this monday. Everything ok until we go into the class and sit down. I was the only one without a desk mate and everybody asked me why I don't share the desk with her (the ENTJ) anymore. I was feeling alone, abandoned and extremwly vulnerable because I didn't had any other friend as close as she was in the school and how I am very shy (and my social anxiety stops me from opening at all in classes and out of them too, I was bullied at my every move and word in middle school and I'm afraid to be judged and bullied once again, but everybody thinks I'm a weirdo or something and usually ignore me if they don't need something) I felt unsafe, vulnerable and the anger really got me. After school we (me and the ENTJ) were going with her new ENFP friend from our class in a cafe. On the way through I acted all mad and she (the ENTJ) saw it and asked me if I'm ok. I was so mad I said "I'm not. Not like you would give a f*** about that, anyway." After the ENFP left, she started screaming at me my own words and was EXTREMELY mad. I opted to go for my ego and didn't apologize, just try to tell her why I thought I was right (I wasn't but I had a bad grip then) and she told me she wouldn't talk to me anymore, it was my second chance and she won't give me one more. Well I was angry at first and just went home, and after that I had a three days breakdown. I felt alone but surrounded by people, at school she ignored me completely, and it hurt so much to have things on my mind I wanted to tell someone, but knowing she'd be the only one who understands. One of the days I couldn't even go to school because I had a huge heart tension and my heart ached for three hours straight. The other two days I had small heartaches and nausea and chills at the start of the day, mostly because of the stress all this gave me. I apologized (in writing, wrote 20 whole minutes that carefully so she'd understand I just wanna be in good terms with her again, even if we can't be friends anymore) but she didn't ever respond. She's just "seen" it and acted like I didn't say anything. At school she was ignoring me and being very distant and it hurt me a lot, especially when there were classmates that asked why we re not friends anymore and I was confused about that, too.
Okay, she wanted me to change, in a good way, to not have there anger issues where I say stupid things and to not be "addicted" to her anymore, but was she expecting for me to change over the night and to be the perfect friend without having any of these flaws anymore? I can't change or stop my usual reactions and my general behavior with her so damn fast, yet she's been hunting for the perfect occasion, for the smallest mistake, so she'd just leave me.
And I don't know what should I do. It's hard for me to make friends and there won't be anyone like her who will get to be this close to me (in my class, dunno about the world yet 馃槀) and whom I can talk about any random things that have been in school and in my personal life. I usually had breakdowns when she told me harsh things, but I always got over it after some days and forgave her and pretended that nothing happened (she made me stupid once, like, unironically, she meant it, but after three days of a big self-crisis and constant thinking and crying about it, I got over it even if she didn't ever apologize). I liked her advice, our differences, our discussions, our friendship, and after a year of being this close it hurts me to lose her, even if it's my fault for not controlling myself at that time. Should I just let her come when and if will be the time or just give up on her and on any hope we'd ever be very close friends again? How should I act around her? What should I do? (Thanks if you read all this :D )

ESI 9w8 5w4 2w1
10,672 Posts
In general, I think you would be better off to find a new person.
There are many reasons for this.
I'm sure you are able to come up with some of them yourself.

Losing people always hurt, especially when we are the one being left.
There are reasons for this too, mostly because it leaves us vulnerable.
The pain is our minds way of making us take the situation seriously.

From personal experience I know how it is to enter a room and feel completely alone.
Like I'm in everyones way, and that I'm not wanted.
It is mostly a creation of my own mind.
Yet it can be tricky to overcome.

A thing that worked for me was branching out on social sites like
Just meeting completely new people in various groups in a neutral settings.
No one knowing my past or anything.
Where I could just be myself and get to practice getting to know people.
If I didn't like how it turned out, I just found a new group.

I don't know if this sounds feasible to you or if what I'm saying resonates with you.
But I figured I'd put it out there.
Good luck! :)

5,807 Posts
It sounds like you may have idealized her as being a better friend than she actually was from the very beginning. I'm not saying that you didn't do wrong, yourself, but Te doms, especially when immature, really don't see the importance of showing consideration to other people's feelings, and maybe you were just being reactive. It's a real challenge right now, but it might be a good idea to get to know yourself better: your strengths and weaknesses, and have a stronger sense of self and potential relationship/friendship pitfalls, so that you can learn to handle to people whose personalities would otherwise be incompatible with your own. One of my closest friends is an ESTJ and she ticks me off several times a week, because she has no concept of other people's feelings lol. But I've learned how to accept it, even if I get annoyed and work around it without being too reactive.

As far as this friend goes. I'd say it might be best to leave her alone. You don't want to be needing another individual's approval to be happy. It sucks to not have friends, I know, but if you can learn to be confident and like yourself and take pride in who you are, you may attract new friends.
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