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First, with this being my first post here and all... Hi my fellow lovely amazing beautiful awesome INFPs! I love you all! <3 =D

So... the reason why I'm posting here and why I joined... I'm in the middle of a major love crisis these days... and I really need... You!... opinions... thoughts... advices... encouragement... anything...

I've been with a most wonderful girl for almost three years, until a few days ago when she left me. We've had quite a turbulent time lately, but I really honestly thought that nothing in the whole world could ever tear us apart... Nothing... at least not for my part... it was obviously different for her...

I had a couple of episodes in the last weeks where I did not act... well... constructive against her... I thought I had control of my "demons" but it's been a long time ago since I had any real personal challenges so I guess I just forgot for a while how to handle them... She also had her own personal challenges lately which also explains some of her actions and spoken thoughts.

Now we are kinda back in business. We are intimate again and are sharing our love together... however... she do not want to be my girlfriend as she says she have to sort out of her personal challenges first. When we met eachother it was the same thing, I hated it but I waited it... and won her at last... Now I'm not sure if I am going to be able to win her back, or what is going to happen really. She says she loves me but I kinda think it's not enough as she does not want to be my GF. And it really hurts me that she does not want to be with me like that, really. After all we had together and we've done together it should not really be possible for us not to be a couple, but she just don't want to.

That is not all... The worst part is that the same weekend she left me she also travelled off to some other guy and slept over at his place (sex included). I... just... can't... understand... how... she... could...! Not after what we had together and how loyal we always said we would be against eachother...

... but I've forgiven her... I told her that considering what happened and some of the stuff I said that I kind of understand what she did... And she said that she is sorry and that she really appreciates my understanding...

We was and can be the most perfect and amazing couple together, she just don't want to... and I hate it... I can not understand how she can not be with me...

I've told her that I will wait for her... but I'm not sure if I lied or not. Most of the time I feel dedicated and sure about waiting for her. But sometimes I just don't... not after what has happened and what she did and that she do not want to be with me... If she don't want me... why should she get me...?

What would you do?....
 

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It sounds like you are still very much in love with this girl. Remember it is also very natural for someone to go on the rebound after they come out of a long relationship, even though you were not together at that moment, I hope she understands what pain it brings to you, and that it might be understood by you as betrayal.

And still, you are willing to forgive her. I don't know what you said, but this tells me that you really love her and care for her, I hope she knows and understands that, for your sake. But what she must also understand, is that if you are in still in love with her, she can't come back to you and be intimate friends. That is just not the way how it works...

I feel, but remember that this is my personal opinion, that you have to let her go, for now. You said you will wait for her, give it some time, maybe she will realize what she had with you, and your love will be stronger. Or, she will not come back, it was never meant to be, and you should move on. I don't know about your age either, but if you are still relatively long, it is also normal that people still want to see what else is out there..

The advice is easily given, but I understand it is very hard to act on it in real life. Love is such a strong emotion. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you won't get stuck.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for your advice.

I really do love her... way too much... As much as it is humanly possible to love someone I think... I was and is very dedicated to our love.

Your advice is a good one, and one I've thought about. I've tried to push myself to letting her go for now but it is pretty damn hard... She says she is very scared of loosing me completely as well, so she has the feelings... she is just too damn stubborn. She should use that stubbornness to be with me instead of not me thinks.

I'm on the late 20s, she is in the early 20s. So she is younger, which I think accounts for some of her actions and thoughts as well. She agrees... does not help me or us.

She has a hard time realizing that it is difficult for me to be intimate with her and play a couple when we are not.
 

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That is not all... The worst part is that the same weekend she left me she also travelled off to some other guy and slept over at his place (sex included). I... just... can't... understand... how... she... could...! Not after what we had together and how loyal we always said we would be against eachother...
I don't understand how this is possible either. The same weekend she left you, she went and slept with another guy? Not even a week in between or anything, which would still be fast, but the same weekend? Is she just extremely impulsive or irrational or free with her body or something?

Though I don't know the whole story here, I can't help but feel like that's a serious issue, and personally I would not be able to get over it. Even though you guys were *technically* split up, that just seems like... Like if you died and she hooked up with someone at your funeral. I don't know, it just seems really wrong to me. If she traveled to meet this guy, I'm guessing she knew him beforehand as well? I hate to suggest this, but are you sure she wasn't cheating on you already...?

I know you love her and think the world of her, but you might want to take a step back and ask yourself if you're putting her on a pedestal. Sometimes it's hard to see who a person is in reality when you really care about them, but you also have to consider what your needs are and what you deserve. If you can't find anything that seems off about her yourself, maybe ask friends if they've noticed anything, whether by being around her or hearing situations you've talked about. That helped me with my last relationship (which I ended, but it took me a long time to realize he'd been bad to me).

So yeah, my advice is to think about who she really is... Not just who you think she is. If you can do that, the next step is up to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I think she did it as an impulsive irrational thing. But I'm partly guilty as I was an idiot as well... just with words though... not by actions. Basic stuff like that if she did not want me then I would find someone else etc... It does not correct her wrongdoing though... She knew the guy from beforehand, I am however confident that she had not been cheating on me already. She was also honest with me when I asked her if anything like that had happened and she told me about the weekend.

I kinda know who she really is. I know her history and why she acts like she does. What I am confused about though is what I am to her.
 

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What I am confused about though is what I am to her.
To me, it sounds that this sums up your problem (what you are to her). I think you want a certain level of commitment and that requires that she loves you *and* wants you. I think if you would get back together while she doesn't have this feeling of wanting you, it will really disappoint you, it would be a major downer on how you'd experience the relationship.

So yeah, I'd give her some time to work out her personal things. That may give her some time to think, and if she does work out her personal challenges, she'll be much more free to think about whether she wants you or not.
 

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I think a lot of INFP value quantity of time vs quality of time in a relationship. Unless a relationship lasts forever than it's considered a failure and I've never understood that. So if you've had 3 great years and it ends, that's considered a failure. But if you have 3 great years followed by decades of arguments and infidelity until one of you dies first, then that's considered a success.

We love many people in our life times. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we are capable of sustaining a long term relationships with them. Here's how I can usually tell if a relationships will last between two people. I ask them about the problems their dealing with today, finances, personal issues, interpersonal issues, fulfillment, goals and then I ask them what problems they had 3 years ago.

Relationships are not about love because love starts relationships but rarely sustains them. Transformation does. Life is about going from one set of problems to a better set of problems. Good relationships inspire you to solve problems and move you to better ones. Relationships don't solve those problems for you, they make you want to solve your issues. So if two people are still solving the same individual problems that they were 5 years ago, then they aren't growing and that's a sure sign the relationship will end.
 

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Maybe the problem is your waiting for her. You go off do your thing and no matter what I'll be here waiting for you when you get back. Does she appreciate and respect you? Or are you her safety net when she needs comforting and pampering and to feel safe and comfortable? What if she wants to see what else is out there, but is keeping you hanging on because she might not like the thought of you with other girls, but she thinks its fine to be with other guys.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
To me, it sounds that this sums up your problem (what you are to her). I think you want a certain level of commitment and that requires that she loves you *and* wants you. I think if you would get back together while she doesn't have this feeling of wanting you, it will really disappoint you, it would be a major downer on how you'd experience the relationship.

So yeah, I'd give her some time to work out her personal things. That may give her some time to think, and if she does work out her personal challenges, she'll be much more free to think about whether she wants you or not.
I know, and I know. I know she have feelings for me... I just don't know how much and what they are worth... We are both guilty when it comes to meeting eachother after they breakup... Very hard for both of us to stay away from eachother...
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I think a lot of INFP value quantity of time vs quality of time in a relationship. Unless a relationship lasts forever than it's considered a failure and I've never understood that. So if you've had 3 great years and it ends, that's considered a failure. But if you have 3 great years followed by decades of arguments and infidelity until one of you dies first, then that's considered a success.

We love many people in our life times. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we are capable of sustaining a long term relationships with them. Here's how I can usually tell if a relationships will last between two people. I ask them about the problems their dealing with today, finances, personal issues, interpersonal issues, fulfillment, goals and then I ask them what problems they had 3 years ago.

Relationships are not about love because love starts relationships but rarely sustains them. Transformation does. Life is about going from one set of problems to a better set of problems. Good relationships inspire you to solve problems and move you to better ones. Relationships don't solve those problems for you, they make you want to solve your issues. So if two people are still solving the same individual problems that they were 5 years ago, then they aren't growing and that's a sure sign the relationship will end.
I see it that way. Before I dreamt about having just one girl my whole life... dream got messed up, but I still want to be with just this girl for the rest of my life. It's about dedication, love, connection, loyalty, having a partner for life... Get children together, give the children a happy home... And it is something very romantic and special.

The problems that have been lately are very different then the ones that have given us challenges in our past. For my part I've been in harmony with life and our relationship for a long time now. She on the other hand has lately had a couple of things that has been major psychological strains for her. One thing being us loosing a baby that we had decided to keep, a couple of months ago (she was 2 months on the way), I handled it better than her and was and is ready to try again. Second being a personal thing regarding her own family that I do not want to go further into her as it is her thing. These things have been difficult for her, I've tried my best to give her my care and understanding. It has made life difficult for her though, and our breakup would probably not have happened if it was not for these things as she then would have been more focused (not blaming her for that part, just mentioning).

Every problem and challenge that we've met in the past as a couple has been sorted out and made us stronger, no matter how small or big the challenges has been.

I have a different view on these things than you for sure. Love is a major part of a relationship for me, I would not be with someone if I did not love someone (and this girl I love a lot!). Our relationship was sustained by several things, but love was one of those things for sure.
 

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Maybe the problem is your waiting for her. You go off do your thing and no matter what I'll be here waiting for you when you get back. Does she appreciate and respect you? Or are you her safety net when she needs comforting and pampering and to feel safe and comfortable? What if she wants to see what else is out there, but is keeping you hanging on because she might not like the thought of you with other girls, but she thinks its fine to be with other guys.
She does not show that she appreciates and respect me much. And those things are very important for me to be given to me... But, all I do now is 100% out of unconditional love. And I kinda know that even if she does not show it she does feel it at least to some extent. I've been with a few girls in my life, this one is really special, she is unique... and I want to keep her. We was and should be as one.

She would have hated me being with other girls now... that would have messed her up quite a lot. Luckily for her I do not want that, and luckily for me we've agreed that none of us will be with anyone else in any way for the time being until some things are sorted out.

At the time being I'm almost optimistic about this. She been away for a few days now so we has not been able to see eachother, and she kinda told me that she want to be with me. Gonna see her again tomorrow, so will know more then.
 

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First, with this being my first post here and all...
Hello! Welcome to the forums, Wazian.



She also had her own personal challenges lately which also explains some of her actions and spoken thoughts.
Certainly we all face personal challenges & she & you will probably continue to do so. My question is: do you deem it acceptable the way she tackles these personal challenges, more specifically how she acts and talks?

however... she do not want to be my girlfriend as she says she have to sort out of her personal challenges first. She says she loves me but I kinda think it's not enough as she does not want to be my GF. And it really hurts me that she does not want to be with me like that, really.
I thought couples work out 'personal challenges' together? Re-read the part in bold. Really think about that... again, is that acceptable to you?

I... just... can't... understand... how... she... could...! Not after what we had together and how loyal we always said we would be against eachother...
Perhaps your idea is loyalty is much different than hers. Perhaps reconsider if she feels connected to you emotionally, but no physically. Why do you think she went to this guy for sex? Is their something that is not be satisfied in your relationship or she does not think can be satisfied?

I told her that considering what happened and some of the stuff I said that I kind of understand what she did...
Stop blaming yourself! The more you do this the more you are excusing her actions. When is it ever right to sleep with someone else other than the person that you are with? When you provide excuses for others actions, you are in some respect, 'head nodding it' as acceptable and ok. I hate to say this, but I would almost assume that she will use your behaviour as an 'excuse' for why she did something & then apologize to you & you will accept. This is a dangerous cycle which, IMHO promotes a cycle of destructive emotional manipulation. You deserve someone who loves and wants you every way possible.

We was and can be the most perfect and amazing couple together, she just don't want to... and I hate it... I can not understand how she can not be with me...
Are you sure? on what basis? Please accept her choice, Waizan. Yes, it hurts... (I can't begin to imagine!) But, please accept what she is telling you straight and simple.

I've told her that I will wait for her... but I'm not sure if I lied or not. Most of the time I feel dedicated and sure about waiting for her. But sometimes I just don't... not after what has happened and what she did and that she do not want to be with me... If she don't want me... why should she get me...?
Sounds like way too much emotional stress and strain. It seems you value truth, honesty and not just a set of "promises". You shouldn't feel like your dedication should be constantly tested. Read the part in bold again to yourself.

There is someone out there that deserves your honesty, sensitivity, willingness to try, flexibility & desire to love. I am so sorry to say this, and really pains me to, but she does not deserve you. Stop excusing her actions. It is clear it causes you so much pain and confusion. It sounds like to me, she keeps you as this back burning element she can always turn to because you always forgive her, even it doesn't jive with your moral code with relationships.

Best of luck to you & remember, you are so worthy of something so special.

What would you do?....
Tell myself I am worthy of much more!
 
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(from my experience):
Focus on yourself and forget her. Try to get your life on track and develop your own identity that doesn't include her. You need time to clear your head to evaluate your situation entirely...love and relationships sometimes clog thinking.
Just make sure that through whatever happens, you don't let one person stop your life. Is she really worth it?
 

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The thing I picked upon is the baby thing. I wonder if this has derailed her and sent her into a bit of an irrational stage. Have you continuously supported her in this area? Cos something like this leaves a lasting scar on someone's life. The child connects a part of her. If you felt that she is almost a part of you and you continue to worry for her if she is missing and so forth, then this is what happens when it is a child too. You mentioned that she is young, and I do not know if she knows how to express this side of herself. I just randomly picked up on this thread, and I just randomly talked to my auntie last night about relationships in general. It is just so happened that she held onto the resentment for a long time towards my uncle when he was only 20-something, and he was not matured enough to comprehend truly in a deep soulful level what a baby means to a woman. He laughed when she had the baby ?? He is an INFP ! Like deeply. I think in my auntie's case, all my uncle's female siblings were supportive, and hence she managed through this phase. I cannot imagne what happens to a couple, and if the female needed extra more support from close female members or other ladies through similar experiences?

I can tell you that... I am 34,... and I just begin to understand how guys are. That deep connection, and that scary feeling of losing someone you love. Most of the time, the guy just shouts at the woman for not taking of herself so much more. I never used to comprehend that at all, but I am beginning to do so. I am. :) Sometimes when I see my younger male cousins go through similar things, I prompt them of the scenario or "challenges" as you say, to remind them of the female perspective right now.

It sounded like your gf has gone into depression... :/ She needs an awful awful lot of TLCs right now. She might even feel guilty for letting you down for losing the baby as well etc. Lots of negative thoughts to quantify why it has happened to her etc. If she has slept with someone else, cos she wanted to be taken care of, (when possibly, you were also trying to heal yourself too from the experience?)... If she has done that and still is here, then she knows that she does love you, and that rebound thing is not what she is wanting.

I just hope that she realises she can still get over this within the context of a relationship. I hope things will turn around between you two. Also, open discussion channels, and really seriously open your heart about the lost of the baby and any negative feelings from the experience, cos if you do not deal with them, you will never find closure from it.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Hello! Welcome to the forums, Wazian.
Thanks! :)

Certainly we all face personal challenges & she & you will probably continue to do so. My question is: do you deem it acceptable the way she tackles these personal challenges, more specifically how she acts and talks?
Humans as we are we do mistakes and tackle challenges in not the best ways sometimes. She has done it, I have done it. I can accept that.

I thought couples work out 'personal challenges' together? Re-read the part in bold. Really think about that... again, is that acceptable to you?
It's been a rough time for both. I can understand the reasons for things that have happened. On a long term basis it would not be acceptable, but I can live it while it lasts.

Perhaps your idea is loyalty is much different than hers. Perhaps reconsider if she feels connected to you emotionally, but no physically. Why do you think she went to this guy for sex? Is their something that is not be satisfied in your relationship or she does not think can be satisfied?
We've had a very good sex-life me and her, and she've been very pleased. I think our idea of loyalty is basicly pretty much the same, but chaos can mess up ones ideas a lot sometimes. Which happened in this case.

Stop blaming yourself! The more you do this the more you are excusing her actions. When is it ever right to sleep with someone else other than the person that you are with? When you provide excuses for others actions, you are in some respect, 'head nodding it' as acceptable and ok. I hate to say this, but I would almost assume that she will use your behaviour as an 'excuse' for why she did something & then apologize to you & you will accept. This is a dangerous cycle which, IMHO promotes a cycle of destructive emotional manipulation. You deserve someone who loves and wants you every way possible.
I'm not blaming myself. Not at all. I'm a very analyzing guy, I analyze stuff. It helps me stay sane in this sometimes chaotic world. Why? How? Etc... Knowing the reasons why something happened to at least some extent helps me a lot. She knows perfectly well that what she did is not acceptable, and she is very humble towards me about it. We talked alot about it now. My feelings, hers... and she feel and has felt very bad about it all the way. She've learnt. And as with everything else I think this also will function as a trigger to make our relationship even stronger.

Are you sure? on what basis? Please accept her choice, Waizan. Yes, it hurts... (I can't begin to imagine!) But, please accept what she is telling you straight and simple.
Yes, I am sure. I think the choices that has been presented in this turbulent time are not choices made out of either one of us, but out of chaos and confusion. Choices made out of that basis should not easily be accepted, at least not before things calm down and one can review ones choices properly too see if they are right or not.

Sounds like way too much emotional stress and strain. It seems you value truth, honesty and not just a set of "promises". You shouldn't feel like your dedication should be constantly tested. Read the part in bold again to yourself.

There is someone out there that deserves your honesty, sensitivity, willingness to try, flexibility & desire to love. I am so sorry to say this, and really pains me to, but she does not deserve you. Stop excusing her actions. It is clear it causes you so much pain and confusion. It sounds like to me, she keeps you as this back burning element she can always turn to because you always forgive her, even it doesn't jive with your moral code with relationships.
It pushes me to my edge, but I can handle it. At least for a while. I'm not excusing her actions, I just need to understand why stuff happens.

This post just shows a small horrible part of what happened to me, her and us. We had so many good times together, all this post shows is just a frakked up fraction of it. We, and she is so much more than this. She is a very lovely caring beautiful person, I know it as I've been with her for almost 3 years.

Best of luck to you & remember, you are so worthy of something so special.

Tell myself I am worthy of much more!
Thank you for your post and your advices, even though I will not listen too them :)

She is very special, and she is perfect for me.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
(from my experience):
Focus on yourself and forget her. Try to get your life on track and develop your own identity that doesn't include her. You need time to clear your head to evaluate your situation entirely...love and relationships sometimes clog thinking.
Just make sure that through whatever happens, you don't let one person stop your life. Is she really worth it?
She is my love. And she is worth it. I'm not going to the rest of my life regretting that I lost her because I let her go.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
The thing I picked upon is the baby thing. I wonder if this has derailed her and sent her into a bit of an irrational stage. Have you continuously supported her in this area? Cos something like this leaves a lasting scar on someone's life. The child connects a part of her. If you felt that she is almost a part of you and you continue to worry for her if she is missing and so forth, then this is what happens when it is a child too. You mentioned that she is young, and I do not know if she knows how to express this side of herself. I just randomly picked up on this thread, and I just randomly talked to my auntie last night about relationships in general. It is just so happened that she held onto the resentment for a long time towards my uncle when he was only 20-something, and he was not matured enough to comprehend truly in a deep soulful level what a baby means to a woman. He laughed when she had the baby ?? He is an INFP ! Like deeply. I think in my auntie's case, all my uncle's female siblings were supportive, and hence she managed through this phase. I cannot imagne what happens to a couple, and if the female needed extra more support from close female members or other ladies through similar experiences?

I can tell you that... I am 34,... and I just begin to understand how guys are. That deep connection, and that scary feeling of losing someone you love. Most of the time, the guy just shouts at the woman for not taking of herself so much more. I never used to comprehend that at all, but I am beginning to do so. I am. :) Sometimes when I see my younger male cousins go through similar things, I prompt them of the scenario or "challenges" as you say, to remind them of the female perspective right now.

It sounded like your gf has gone into depression... :/ She needs an awful awful lot of TLCs right now. She might even feel guilty for letting you down for losing the baby as well etc. Lots of negative thoughts to quantify why it has happened to her etc. If she has slept with someone else, cos she wanted to be taken care of, (when possibly, you were also trying to heal yourself too from the experience?)... If she has done that and still is here, then she knows that she does love you, and that rebound thing is not what she is wanting.

I just hope that she realises she can still get over this within the context of a relationship. I hope things will turn around between you two. Also, open discussion channels, and really seriously open your heart about the lost of the baby and any negative feelings from the experience, cos if you do not deal with them, you will never find closure from it.
Thank you for your post :). I've supported her all that I can, but sometimes all is not enough... It was very hard for me as well and I have a really strong connection to my children as a father (we both have children from before), but we tackled it a bit different me and her. You are probably right that this baby thing has derailed her, in combination with her other thing that I is not in my right to mention as it is very personal for her. Both have been very stressful for her, and are good probable causes for many of her actions. I know she has not shown me all of her feelings regarding these matters, probably because of her being young and confused and not always able to express her feelings as you mentions.

Trying to see eachothers perspectives is something that I have found to be a very useful tool in all sorts of relationships. But sometimes I fail to do it, or fail to try to do it. And then... as with this time... everything fails... She has not discovered that tool yet, but I think she will one day :)

I've always taken care of her as long as we've known eachother, sometimes too much. It made her feel less able to take care of herself, which is probably also one cause for some of the things that has happened. I'm trying to learn all the time though so that I can dose my caring in good constructive doses towards her ^^.

Talking about this and opening my feelings like this helps me a lot. I once thought that feelings could be buried inside oneself to die, but most of the feelings don't. So, I write here... and I talk to her. And closure will be found :). I rarely keep negative feelings around for long. I tend to focus on those positive ones instead.

Things between me and her seems to have turned around, we've met again... and I am optimistic about the outcome :)<3
 

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She says she is very scared of loosing me completely as well, so she has the feelings...
"Don't leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."
I think that this is what happened with her.

I could, however, be completely wrong :laughing:
 

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Discussion Starter #19
"Don't leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."
I think that this is what happened with her.

I could, however, be completely wrong :laughing:
A lovely quote :) But I think she both loves and likes me... at least starting to get the feeling that she do again <3
 

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Thanks for your reply. I hope that everything works out for the best. She seems like a special person to you. I don't know her /your circumstances, but you seem to be very forgiving. I suppose some of my wrath came out as I recently met an XNFP guy who is really into me (in his heart), yet wants to return to his ex because he is "comfortable". A little bit of projection on my part. But, yes, it is nice to know that some forgiveness still exists in this world!


Thanks! :)


Humans as we are we do mistakes and tackle challenges in not the best ways sometimes. She has done it, I have done it. I can accept that.


It's been a rough time for both. I can understand the reasons for things that have happened. On a long term basis it would not be acceptable, but I can live it while it lasts.


We've had a very good sex-life me and her, and she've been very pleased. I think our idea of loyalty is basicly pretty much the same, but chaos can mess up ones ideas a lot sometimes. Which happened in this case.


I'm not blaming myself. Not at all. I'm a very analyzing guy, I analyze stuff. It helps me stay sane in this sometimes chaotic world. Why? How? Etc... Knowing the reasons why something happened to at least some extent helps me a lot. She knows perfectly well that what she did is not acceptable, and she is very humble towards me about it. We talked alot about it now. My feelings, hers... and she feel and has felt very bad about it all the way. She've learnt. And as with everything else I think this also will function as a trigger to make our relationship even stronger.


Yes, I am sure. I think the choices that has been presented in this turbulent time are not choices made out of either one of us, but out of chaos and confusion. Choices made out of that basis should not easily be accepted, at least not before things calm down and one can review ones choices properly too see if they are right or not.



It pushes me to my edge, but I can handle it. At least for a while. I'm not excusing her actions, I just need to understand why stuff happens.

This post just shows a small horrible part of what happened to me, her and us. We had so many good times together, all this post shows is just a frakked up fraction of it. We, and she is so much more than this. She is a very lovely caring beautiful person, I know it as I've been with her for almost 3 years.



Thank you for your post and your advices, even though I will not listen too them :)

She is very special, and she is perfect for me.
 
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