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I'm opening this thread in hope to find sympathy from people who experience the same, and hopefully advice from others who don't share the same problem.
Sometimes I wonder, if we are all truly meant to love and be loved.
Ever since I was little I spent my daydreamings in fantasies of love, romance, perfect partnership. For entire my life I'm dreaming of that ideal.
For entire my life, however, never have i been in a relationship or had any constant dating experience at least. A few one-time adventures and that's all.
I had crushes of course. People had crushes on me too. But never it matched, it never happened that someone I like would like me back seriously in a way something evolved from it. If you add an awful lot of shyness into the equation, it was just impossible for me to make anything real in that aspect of life.
But the natural human craving for love is constant, always in, smouldering somewhere in hidden.
Since it is extremely rare, when something does happen, it's a big deal.
In the recent month or so, unexpectedly I've had as much as two encounters (wow so much!), none of which evolved into something concrete.
The problem is that every time I have a crush on someone, or fall in love, I get completely fucking incapable of living my life and function in every day obligations.
I'm drowning in fantasies and dreaming about everything that could become of us. In that moments I'm fully aware that none of it is real, I'm actually hurting myself, that I'm digging a wound that will be hell to heal, but I can't control myself and stop this destructive mechanism. It's embarrassing but I get so drowned in dreams it's occupying every minute when I don't do something productive at work. It's eating me alive. Because I don't have anything real happening, human nature and the need for love is creating it internally.
Of course, since nothing ever happened nor happens for real, the moment I realize sad truth is the moment to retrieve and lick my wounds that I've made myself. It's a terrible state.
When the wounds are closed, all that is left is coming back to normal life where love is an abstract ideal, somewhere out there, no real face to stick to my fantasies. But I'm always looking, it might be just around that next corner, and next and next..
So I wonder.
Would it be best to cross love as concept completely from my life, to fucking close seal and weld that door for good (i'm on the verge of crying) because it's too fucking late for me to grow and develop healthy emotions, healthy loving relationships with people, healthy balancing. Is this all a story of a person retarded in every sense of the word, retarded for love, undeveloped, handycapped and an invalid non fucking valid.
How do I shift-delete love from myself?
How to get rid of one thing that is making a big part on me throughout life. Because I see now, that my emotions are too complex, excessive, twisted and perverse for the normal standard.
How do I pull that root out and cut that fuuuuucking torturing hope, fantasies, ideal that's corroding every other shine in my life?
I'm tired of searching, hoping, dreaming.. I can't control my dreams, the instinct.
There is no knight on a black horse, there is not even a horse to get me someplace away
and while the wind keeps blowing in my ear, whispering of the storm that will surely come
I dance alone
Sometimes I wonder, if we are all truly meant to love and be loved.
Ever since I was little I spent my daydreamings in fantasies of love, romance, perfect partnership. For entire my life I'm dreaming of that ideal.
For entire my life, however, never have i been in a relationship or had any constant dating experience at least. A few one-time adventures and that's all.
I had crushes of course. People had crushes on me too. But never it matched, it never happened that someone I like would like me back seriously in a way something evolved from it. If you add an awful lot of shyness into the equation, it was just impossible for me to make anything real in that aspect of life.
But the natural human craving for love is constant, always in, smouldering somewhere in hidden.
Since it is extremely rare, when something does happen, it's a big deal.
In the recent month or so, unexpectedly I've had as much as two encounters (wow so much!), none of which evolved into something concrete.
The problem is that every time I have a crush on someone, or fall in love, I get completely fucking incapable of living my life and function in every day obligations.
I'm drowning in fantasies and dreaming about everything that could become of us. In that moments I'm fully aware that none of it is real, I'm actually hurting myself, that I'm digging a wound that will be hell to heal, but I can't control myself and stop this destructive mechanism. It's embarrassing but I get so drowned in dreams it's occupying every minute when I don't do something productive at work. It's eating me alive. Because I don't have anything real happening, human nature and the need for love is creating it internally.
Of course, since nothing ever happened nor happens for real, the moment I realize sad truth is the moment to retrieve and lick my wounds that I've made myself. It's a terrible state.
When the wounds are closed, all that is left is coming back to normal life where love is an abstract ideal, somewhere out there, no real face to stick to my fantasies. But I'm always looking, it might be just around that next corner, and next and next..
So I wonder.
Would it be best to cross love as concept completely from my life, to fucking close seal and weld that door for good (i'm on the verge of crying) because it's too fucking late for me to grow and develop healthy emotions, healthy loving relationships with people, healthy balancing. Is this all a story of a person retarded in every sense of the word, retarded for love, undeveloped, handycapped and an invalid non fucking valid.
How do I shift-delete love from myself?
How to get rid of one thing that is making a big part on me throughout life. Because I see now, that my emotions are too complex, excessive, twisted and perverse for the normal standard.
How do I pull that root out and cut that fuuuuucking torturing hope, fantasies, ideal that's corroding every other shine in my life?
I'm tired of searching, hoping, dreaming.. I can't control my dreams, the instinct.
There is no knight on a black horse, there is not even a horse to get me someplace away
and while the wind keeps blowing in my ear, whispering of the storm that will surely come
I dance alone