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Discussion Starter #1
I'm in need of some advice here.
A girl from the past that I was seriously in love with contacted me again after growing apart about 6 years ago. (We never had a relationship, but she knew I had feelings, aka friend zone.)
So she says hi. I say hi. She asks me how I'm doing, I'm like great, you?
No reply. Wtf?

Let me explain something first though. About 3-4 years ago I actually contacted her, instead of the other way around, and did the same thing. Eventually we tried meeting again but that was a complete disaster because I was still very much in two pieces and unable to act properly. Fast forward to today I feel like I'm fully healed except for the occasional dream about her but that's out of my control really.

My question is: why does she do this?

Is she testing me? If she was genuinely interested in my current life situation she wouldn't start ignoring I mean c'mon. At first I was like, OK, no matter what she says or does, it won't have any impact on me anyway. She is not a part of my life anymore and she has no influence on my feelings no more.
Then why do I check my messenger every chance I get?
How do I stop caring so much about this, I can see myself falling right back into that deep hole I finally managed to climb out of. I'm not sure if I should just ignore her or ask her wtf is wrong with her for doing this to me. I am extremely curious as to why someone would do this.

Thanks!
 

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Maybe you have grown during these years and if you went back together with her you would find that it was not the same?
Who knows who you two have met in between, if you are ok with that, fine, I know I would not. When she didn't answer I would assume that was because she is not doing too good for some reason, it is possible that she misses you but that is just an assumption. It might be that you are not over her, just trying to convince your elf that you are logically, or it might be that you are simply nervous and get a post traumatic flash back/ bad memories that shake you up inside :hug: it sounds like a huge adrenaline rush that hurts you. If you don't want to go back then just ignore the phone, if you have another phone, use that on silence and use the other to get calls or put on an answering machine, or something like that is my recommendation. Leave the vibrator of too. You don't have to go back anymore. You can fall in love again, and it can feel just as strong and sweet. I wish you the best! I know it's hard...
 

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When she didn't answer I would assume that was because she is not doing too good for some reason, it is possible that she misses you but that is just an assumption.
This is kind of what bothers me the most. I would love to be there for her in order to help with whatever she is going through, but I don't want to risk looking desperate or intrusive by texting again. Especially if she keeps ignoring me, I know it will drive me insane so it's out of the option.

It might be that you are not over her, just trying to convince your elf that you are logically, or it might be that you are simply nervous and get a post traumatic flash back/ bad memories that shake you up inside it sounds like a huge adrenaline rush that hurts you.
I’m sure it’s both of these actually. I was very excited and also really nervous when I first saw that text, it was unexpected and I already accepted that she would be gone forever. Immediately though, the logical part of me warned me of how powerful she is, and I tried to convince myself that by now, I have more power over my emotions than she has.
So basically I’m fighting a battle between my logical mind and my feelings right now. Logic is telling me that as long as I’m looking in the rear-view mirror, I can’t see what’s going on in front of me. So basically I need to stop dwelling on the past. But the feeling part of me is begging to relive those intense emotions I used to feel. Not only the feeling of love, but also the feeling of rejection/depression. It might sound weird but depression for me was actually very addictive, hence why I said that I’m close to falling in that hole again because I might just jump willingly.
Anyway thank you! Reading other people’s perspectives and writing everything out helps me organize and understand the situation much better :smilee:

I had an extraordinarily similar situation occur to me. If you don't have closure, get it. If you do, don't pursue anything.
I actually have an ENTP friend and I just know this is exactly what he would have said lol.
You're right though. The excitement of her contacting me is starting to wear off again and I realize that I didn't need her a few days ago so why would I need her now. Though somewhere in my mind I can hear this small voice telling me that an important opportunity, possibly the last, is slowly getting out of reach.
 

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This is kind of what bothers me the most. I would love to be there for her in order to help with whatever she is going through, but I don't want to risk looking desperate or intrusive by texting again. Especially if she keeps ignoring me, I know it will drive me insane so it's out of the option.



I’m sure it’s both of these actually. I was very excited and also really nervous when I first saw that text, it was unexpected and I already accepted that she would be gone forever. Immediately though, the logical part of me warned me of how powerful she is, and I tried to convince myself that by now, I have more power over my emotions than she has.
So basically I’m fighting a battle between my logical mind and my feelings right now. Logic is telling me that as long as I’m looking in the rear-view mirror, I can’t see what’s going on in front of me. So basically I need to stop dwelling on the past. But the feeling part of me is begging to relive those intense emotions I used to feel. Not only the feeling of love, but also the feeling of rejection/depression. It might sound weird but depression for me was actually very addictive, hence why I said that I’m close to falling in that hole again because I might just jump willingly.
Anyway thank you! Reading other people’s perspectives and writing everything out helps me organize and understand the situation much better :smilee:


I actually have an ENTP friend and I just know this is exactly what he would have said lol.
You're right though. The excitement of her contacting me is starting to wear off again and I realize that I didn't need her a few days ago so why would I need her now. Though somewhere in my mind I can hear this small voice telling me that an important opportunity, possibly the last, is slowly getting out of reach.
Thank you so much :happy: It also might not be the last time. For example, I about an an x-partner who I broke up 19 years ago who still gives calls/texts every other year or so without any feedback to encourage them...
I think I would write a list and write what you liked about her and what you did not and see if things could have changed and if you think that you two would logically fit together, since emotions are so overwhelming! I really know and it takes such an effort to keep them in check sometimes. I am on anti-depressants right now and have just finished therapy because of an emotional dilemma.
 

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Thank you so much :happy: It also might not be the last time. For example, I about an an x-partner who I broke up 19 years ago who still gives calls/texts every other year or so without any feedback to encourage them...
I think I would write a list and write what you liked about her and what you did not and see if things could have changed and if you think that you two would logically fit together, since emotions are so overwhelming! I really know and it takes such an effort to keep them in check sometimes. I am on anti-depressants right now and have just finished therapy because of an emotional dilemma.
I could try writing a list but I feel like my perception of her is somewhat skewed since I haven’t seen her in a long time and I tend to forget all the negative parts and exaggerate the positive ones. Also I'm really sorry to hear that :( At times I tend to forget how other people can have it much worse than I do. 19 years ago though, feels kind of strange to realize I was only a year old when that happened to you..

Big wall of text coming up, stuff happened. I kinda know what to do now, but I still feel like updating this thread with some recent events if anyone cares. I’m not necessarily asking for advice, I’m just putting it out there because it would be interesting to read about other peoples thoughts, opinions, perhaps similar experiences etc.

I know I said texting her again was out of the question. However, something that I saw convinced me to think that she was indeed not doing too well so I just had to ask her again. Turns out she really isn’t. We talked about what happened but I feel like we haven’t even come close to the real issue. I understand that it’s very personal and hard for her to do. The INFJ probably isn’t nicknamed the counselor for no reason, but still I have no idea what to say. I hate texting, I need to look someone in the eyes to really understand what’s going on. It’s not so much about what’s being said, it’s also about how it’s said. So inevitably I have to ask her to meet sometime but it’s not an easy thing to ask. All I know is that as soon as my heart gets broken again I’m screwed and I’ll definitely become depressed again. It could be different this time around but I have my doubts. So I’m not sure if I should expose myself to such hazards. But what if I don’t? Will I be able to live with myself never knowing what could have been? I don’t think I should let fear rule my life like that.

I have been getting so many clues lately that hint at me to just go for it, it’s actually getting creepy. I used to smoke weed daily, but about a week before she contacted me I quit because of unrelated reasons. (Best decision ever, I will NEVER go back to daily smoking ever again.) Anyway, quitting weed enabled me to remember my dreams again and they are also way more intense. Last night the dream ended with me and her walking on a bridge. It was one of those concrete highway bridges that go above the streets. I don’t remember the destination of the bridge, but I guess that wasn’t really important. After walking on it for a few minutes the bridge suddenly collapsed. I had visions of falling down together with some chunks of concrete and there was dust and smoke rising up into the air. As soon as I landed I woke up.

I started reading about the meaning of collapsing bridges in dreams. Here are some of the things that resonated with me: “Dreams of bridges collapsing or breaking while you are crossing or before you cross the bridge suggests that you are letting an important opportunity pass you by. These opportunities noted in the dream might be life changing. The crumbling bridge represents the viable chances crumbling away in front of you.” Or “The collapsed bridge tells us that we have to bring something in our soul life, instead of that we make detours to happiness.”

This made me think. A conversation that the protagonist from the book Metro 2033 had about fate came to mind. It basically came down to this: “It may happen that something happens to you that forces you to perform specific actions and make specific decisions, keeping in mind you have free will, and you can do this or that. But if you make the right decision, then the things that happen to you are no longer just random events.”

Damn. So all of this has been fate? How can anything go wrong when everything that is happening is supposed to happen anyway? How can anything that has been happening be coincidence? I’m really starting to feel like it isn’t. I might have not realized this if I didn’t quit weed at the right time and started getting these dreams. I never finished a book in my life, but somehow a few months ago I started to really motivate myself to finish this Metro 2033 book that I never seemed to be able finish. Maybe deciding to put it off back then was also fate, because the lesson I learned from it might have gone completely over my head 5 years ago.

This leads me to think that what is going to happen is supposed to happen anyway. I have no choice but to accept it. As long as I follow my heart and keep making the right decisions, I will go in the right direction. I guess the biggest challenge is to fight your fears and simply do the things your heart is telling you to do. If it’s the right decision, which it is, nothing bad can happen and you opened yourself up to the right opportunities. It brings me peace thinking about it like this. Like it’s not in my hands or something. Or maybe I’m just overthinking the whole situation way too much again. I’m sorry, I can’t help it lol.

Last thing, I also figured out her type. She made the test and told me about her result. To be honest I didn’t really want to know. Knowing myself I will completely obsess over it and go to the absolute end of the internet to collect all the information I can about these things called ENFP’s. Of course I could only contain myself for so long. The more I read, the more obvious it became why I fell in love with her in the first place. I’m really trying my best not obsess over a type though, as each person is different even if they do share the same personality type.

Anyway think that’s it. Thank you very much if you have actually read this far! I seriously appreciate it. Not sure if I will update again, maybe no-one cares, or maybe I’m completely wrong about the fate thing and stuff. Then if shit hits the fan it would be way too embarrassing to tell anyone about it lol.
 

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Thank you for sharing your story, and it was fantastic written :happy:
I hope you update it more, it really moved me a lot and I honestly do care what happens! I will think for a while before I answer more because it is a lot to think about and analyze in this reply, I think you have been strong and brave to open your self so much to strangers :happy:
(When it comes to me, I am doing just fine at the moment despite of what happened that I told you about. Thank you also for caring! :hug: )
 
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