Personality Cafe banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
753 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
so my best friend is an ENFP. she got married to her rebound guy and then had his kid. she divorced him a year and a half later. 5 years later, she meets this guy on an online penpals site. he lives in england and she lives in the states. she's been talking to him since november and visited him last week for 2 weeks. she comes back and tells me that she's in love with him and plans to move in with him within 2 years and they talked about marriage.

i'm not sure this is love though. he never once mentioned or asked where she wanted to live and wouldn't move out of his country for her, my ENFP friend had emailed him from my email pretending to be me to see if he would 1. respond which he did and 2. tell her the truth or keep it a secret that we talked after "I" emailed him which he also did, and then she said that they talked about me a lot and he wouldn't stop asking questions about me. all these things seem like red flags to me.

though i do think that love should be felt i also think that it should make logical sense especially if the next step is moving in together only because they'll get married soon after.

i would like to know ENFPs, if you were in this situation, what would have to happen for you to realize this might be a bad idea to move so quickly and also what would make you not want to be with him?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,160 Posts
i'm not sure this is love though. he never once mentioned or asked where she wanted to live and wouldn't move out of his country for her, my ENFP friend had emailed him from my email pretending to be me to see if he would 1. respond which he did and 2. tell her the truth or keep it a secret that we talked after "I" emailed him which he also did, and then she said that they talked about me a lot and he wouldn't stop asking questions about me. all these things seem like red flags to me.
I guess this is in the past & probably isn't very helpful, but looks like their relationship was rocky to begin with since she had to use your e-mail to ask him questions while pretending to be you. That right there raises flags about "trust". At the same time, I think in some ways you sort of contributed to this as you allowed her to use your e-mail. That is besides the point, as it is in the past.

At this point their is not much you can do. If she has made up her mind that she wants to move there and marry him, she'll do it regardless of what you might tell her. She has ever right to move on since she has officially divorced 'rebound man'. Sometimes we have to let our friends make "mistakes" (you don't know 100% if this is a mistake, things might in fact work out as you don't know the extent to which they talked about moving in and getting married since you were not part of the conversation).

It is a ton of work for her to move from the US to the UK; if she has her doubts between now and then, believe me she won't even bother going through all the work to go there. Seems as though she is invested in this relationship. I don't know the guy at all, but, he could be just as invested. Let her figure out things for herself. If you don't agree with what she is doing, do not encourage her to use your e-mail to communicate with him, or show a lot of approval/support for her move over (maybe remain a neutral stance), and also don't do anything to help her with the move. Yes, you may risk losing her as a friend, but these signals will show that you do not support or want to participate in something that you don't agree with.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Matt Cork

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,027 Posts
For me, it would definitely be a bad idea to move so quickly without observing the person for a longer time. And he's eager and is asking about you to her right? It simply means that he's interested in knowing more about you. He did ever say that he loves her? I can't believe that a person can 'love' someone and at the same time become interested in her friend. Firstly, is there any reason (like work or something) where it's necessary to know about you? If not, then it simply proves that he's not so serious about this relationship. Please ask your ENFP friend, to observe him carefully and take her time. Ask her to test him in various ways and explain her the reason. I hope she'll understand.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
78 Posts
That story reminds me a lot of my ISFP friend actuallly... In five years she has had two children with two men (both of whom were fantaaastic at the time according to her.. now she's single).
I am an ENFP but have always been skeptical and had high standards when it comes to men.. When I fall for them I fall deep though, and love evolves quickly (that happened with my INTJ boyfriend when we met back in 2005, I fell in love within hours!). I do not like the thought of moving from relationship to relationship (in fact, I thought that was more of an ISTP/ESTP thing according to type descriptions I've read..) and I want this one to last forever. My ISFP friend wasn't really too worried that her two relationships (with guys that seemed like ESTP from what I observed) would end, because she didn't worry/plan much for the future, and what was important to her was to be happy here&now.. Now she wants to find a new guy because she wants more kids :-/

Anyhow, I don't think the behaviour you're describing is very typical ENFP, but if she is very naïve she is more likely to behave like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
90 Posts
A majority of my high school is either engaged, pregnant, has had kids, or is married and i'm 21. I wonder how many of those relationships will fail...

Either way it sounds like her mind is made up. You can suggest as many things as you want to her but ultimately she decides. It's like trying to get someone to quit smoking. You can nag and complain or encourage as much as you want but the only person who is going to make them quit is them.

At this point their is not much you can do. If she has made up her mind that she wants to move there and marry him, she'll do it regardless of what you might tell her.
ThirdArcade is right.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
753 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
okay. thanks for the help. i didn't let her use my email. she has it because she's my best friend. and told me after she sent some ridiculous message from me. i've decided that i'm going to convince her that this is a bad idea without her knowing about it. or in time she'll convince herself. i'm just hoping it's a phase.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
i'm not sure this is love though. he never once mentioned or asked where she wanted to live and wouldn't move out of his country for her, my ENFP friend had emailed him from my email pretending to be me to see if he would 1. respond which he did and 2. tell her the truth or keep it a secret that we talked after "I" emailed him which he also did, and then she said that they talked about me a lot and he wouldn't stop asking questions about me. all these things seem like red flags to me.
No red flags for me

though i do think that love should be felt i also think that it should make logical sense especially if the next step is moving in together only because they'll get married soon after.

i would like to know ENFPs, if you were in this situation, what would have to happen for you to realize this might be a bad idea to move so quickly and also what would make you not want to be with him?
Love making logical sense? If I were in the situation I would move too. It's not very practical to move to another country - especially if it's the UK, that's just crazy - but it's not a bad idea. It makes perfect sense to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
753 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
love does have to make sense. you don't feel things for no reason. and if you're in love you should be able to point out the little things that you love about the other person. that's what it should be. it should definitely be logical too when there is a child involved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Love does not (have to) make logical sense. If it feels right then it is right. Doesn't have to be practical or indeed reasonable ... It's a puzzle that can not and does not have to be solved. I'm just giving you my ENFP perspective because you asked ;)
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top