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Discussion Starter #1
My ESFP wife digs the "Five Love Languages" thing, see
The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

I looked at the book, and it did not speak to me. What would make my imagined ideal relationship special to me has something to do with unexpressed or half-expressed clever cues. I say imagined since I never found that. But an example from a past INTP love interest: we both liked 1776, so I once signed an email, "Saltpetre, <my name>." She responded normally, and signed hers "Pins, <her name>"

That made me feel warm & fuzzy.

The five seem too concrete, circumscribed. Mental synergy perhaps?

Thoughts?
 

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I like the idea that people have different styles of expressing and receiving love and that recognizing and understanding this can improve relationships, but the five love languages as described by the author didn't work for me. they just seem too broadly generic and impersonal and "identify the correct button to push, push it, and profit", I don't know.
 

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I find it pretty applicable when hashed out in real life - with, say, a romantic partner. Or if you look at couples you know, or your parents, you can sort of see how and why they have miscommunications. The wife may want words of affirmation, but all she gets day in and day out is a healthy dose of "physical touch" attempts. That's why she's bitter and pissed - cuz all he wants is to get some nooky. But, all she wants is to be valued, appreciated, and told that she matters. It's real stuff and I've seen an actual couple completely turn things around after learning to step out of their own way of thinking and to really make an honest attempt at doing the things that their partner desires.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I find it pretty applicable when hashed out in real life - with, say, a romantic partner.
I agree to the principle; I just don't feel a particular connection to any of his five, and rather feel like "shared thoughts and glances" would be closer to mine.
 

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Like others have said, the love languages concept itself is important -- people need to recognize not everyone gives and receives love in the same way -- but it seems to be hit or miss.

The best category for me there would be "quality time," but really none of the categories resonate with me. It was frustrating to have different people ask me and each time have to say I didn't really gel with the system.
 

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I agree to the principle; I just don't feel a particular connection to any of his five, and rather feel like "shared thoughts and glances" would be closer to mine.
That's a good starting point that you know that about yourself. It almost sounds like you're saying "I enjoy intuitive conversation."

A more important question, however - and I think this is the point of the book - is what types of things make your wife feel warm and fuzzy? Don't answer that on the forum obviously - that's for your information only - but, if you can figure that out, then you can start making some real progress - in her eyes, and in her happiness. I'd argue that by doing that, she will then want to make you happier. It cycles back around - and comes full circle to benefit you. You make her happier ---> she wants to make you happier ---> life gets better.
 

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I'm not really sure what mine is, because any one of those five in excess will irritate me. I guess I like a blend? Is that an option? Maybe?
 

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Yeah, I believe he says that you'll have 2 or 3 that you prefer - and to varying degrees. Like most of this personality stuff, it's all on a continuum.
I prefer to think of it as a buffet instead of a continuum. That might be because I'm starving right now.
 

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When I took the test for mine, it turns out it's "Quality Time." I think for INTPs, the emphasis must be on quality. I don't want to spend every waking moment with you. I want the moments we have to be meaningful.

I don't care so much that people don't know how I prefer to be loved, but I definitely am not a "gifts" or "favors" type of person. However, for me, knowing that my partners show affection in that manner has helped me know to be more appreciative when they make those kinds of efforts. ("Wow! You cleaned the kitchen! You're awesome!!")

It's also helped with my family, especially my very particular mother who seems to take offense if you fail to remember OTHER people's birthdays or whatever. I know my father doesn't give a damn if I call him on Father's Day and our 10 minute conversations are totally awkward and unnatural, but I do it because otherwise my mother thinks I don't care about the family. :rolleyes: You do what you have to, I guess.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
A more important question, however - and I think this is the point of the book - is what types of things make your wife feel warm and fuzzy?
Sure, 100%. Just that she read the book, liked it, pointed out her language, and wanted to see what mine was. I did the quiz, looked at the book, shrugged, and pulled together a bunch of INTP relationship thingies from online to give to her instead.
 

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As an INTP myself, I have few relationships but those I have are immensely valuable to me ( like my parents, brother, an uncle and couple of friends ) however my problem is I do not choose to explicitly say i love you or words to that effect; I'd rather give a hug to my mom and dad or just kid with my bro. However, I do smile a lot in front of strangers with whom I am not comfortable with; probably it is an escape mechanism.

However i definitely think that a person can be much better off expressing clearly their feeling especially with your dates since you do not want to give an expression like the know-it-all professor and you just don't know what will turn her/him on. (unlike my brother, every time I mention his weight issues we are sure to have a fist fight even at 20 )
 

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Yeah, nada. We just have "moments"...

I'd like to question if humans do yearn for connection after not being in touch with society for a while. Not sure if being extroverted or introverted conflict with it. Or maybe it's feeling at home a trigger? Being comfortable, perhaps? Thefe should be a new category for this!
 

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I think INTPs like having their ideas and trivia listened to and for someone to take a genuine interest therein. It seems much more about stimulating their minds and appreciating the insights they've acquired than pandering to them in other ways. Just my opinion, though.

I tend to see that book as a compilation of "nice things Sensors would like you to do for them before they give you Sex or Cuddling." I think Intuitive value having their ideas and principles understood or at least listened to by friends or SO.

Case in point, I tried dating a Sensor boyfriend. He was very much about doing things around the house. That was awesome but when I tried to share my illustrations with him he just got a slack look on his face. I imagine an INTP might be similar but different in that respect. How can you be loved if someone doesn't cherish your values, principles, deeply held thoughts and ideas or at least value your drive towards your ideal?
 

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I like the idea. I kinda tried to lay mine out and found that it was much easier to tell what order of importance I label them upon receiving than it was giving. As in, it is likely that I do not give enough to really know what my giving love language is. I hate performing "Acts of Service", so does that mean it should go at the top because I'll only do it if I really care, or at the bottom, because I almost never perform acts of service to show love? I know physical touch is my bottom on both sides, but yeah. For receiving it was quite easy. Acts of Service is totally at the top of that list. I don't see a whole lot of forms of love-giving that don't fit in the five categories myself, so I'm fine with there only being five. I never read the book, so this may be part of the reason I struggle with understanding, especially my giving side.

I would really like it if my husband would read it so I could know more about his receiving side, and hence, provide for it.
 

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Case in point, I tried dating a Sensor boyfriend. He was very much about doing things around the house. That was awesome but when I tried to share my illustrations with him he just got a slack look on his face. I imagine an INTP might be similar but different in that respect. How can you be loved if someone doesn't cherish your values, principles, deeply held thoughts and ideas or at least value your drive towards your ideal?
I think the difference is, that INTP's value individuality/objectivity far more than 'supporting needs'.
It is not likely that they don't care, they just want to see you get it done and will judge afterwards. But they judge the result, the creation, not the person, the values etc. They respect other peoples values in general, as they expect the same.

Not sure if that helps much.
 

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Taken concretely, I don't agree with much of the book. But taken conceptually, I agree with it entirely. I see the impact of being able to love your partner in a way that they understand, they understand when you love them in your way, and vise-versa on both of those.

4 of the 5 concepts are valuable to me, with gifts being the exception. I simply don't think about giving people gifts, and often don't even remember people giving me gifts. The other 4 are important to varying degrees, and not sufficient levels of any of them and I start to have issues. My girlfriend also trivializes gifts, and values the other 4 to varying degrees that aren't too dissimilar to mine. How precisely each of the 4 manifests can span a huge range of mehods, topics, etc... and that really isn't the important bit in the end. We both naturally express ourselves in ways that the other deeply appreciates.

Compare to a couple that has a deep disconnect in how they express and ... well it is a rocky relationship at best. Doomed is more likely.

The details that are off don't bug me, because I can dismiss them as irrelevant. The concept still works.
 

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I can see this as something I'd write down on my schedule to do every week. "Get milk today. Walk the dog. Take out trash. Water SO."

I think it's useful, but I feel as though planning this stuff out is something J types would be more likely to do. This J type, anyway. My sister's an INFP, and she hates feeling "scheduled in"- as did my INTP ex. Seems to me the J types I know, especially EJs and TJs, are more likely to be happy with set expectations. That way we know we're, at least in theory, fulfilling what our partner needs. The EJs and TJs I know seem to focus a lot more on set boundaries and communication of exactly and precisely what works than, say, the INTPs I know. Personally, it just makes me feel more secure to know that what I'm doing works, either for friends or romantic interests.
 
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