Personality Cafe banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I became friends with an INTP this year and I often talk to her about her personality type as I have not been able to 100% figure out any INTP in my life yet.

The thing is, I do not share my interests with other people because I am embarrassed / like to keep it to myself. Naturally, I did not talk to her about one of my interests that she also shares and always acted like I wasn't into it. I even lightly teased her for being into it. Basically, I lied.

Eventually I decided to tell her because I thought she had gained my trust. She reacted very badly and was hurt. In person, she has made attempts to be nicer to me, she shows more affection with me, and she even told me she felt closer to me. Yet, when we text at night, she has said stuff such as, "I hate people like you" (when we were talking about how I lied) and when I told her I wasn't interested in something she asked if I was just lying again.

I feel like I've betrayed her trust when I never expected her to be hurt because I had thought it was more funny than anything, and because I've done the same to other people and they always laughed. Yet she somehow seems to want to be closer to me while having some type of hate for me.

Can someone explain what she might be feeling and why? Or maybe how you guys would react in this situation?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,575 Posts
I don't think your friend is INTP, her reaction is way too extreme considering what the lie was and her remark suggests she seems to be processing things from a value standpoint.
Look into the INFP.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sava Saevus

·
Plague Doctor
INTJ, 5w4, Ni-T type
Joined
·
6,040 Posts
lol are you sure the types aren't switched? You being the INTP and her a possible INFP? ;)

Basically there are as many versions of this problem as there are of the various untruths that exist. Take it as a learning experience and make an effort to be as transparent as possible with your friend. It should blow over.

As for the general lying to INTPs, my INTP partner is pretty much just irritated because it's not very efficient when he has to work around other people's lies. Some of his family members have a habit of lying a lot and he always just seems to be irritated by it. What do you think, @hornpipe2 ?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
484 Posts
As for the general lying to INTPs, my INTP partner is pretty much just irritated because it's not very efficient when he has to work around other people's lies. Some of his family members have a habit of lying a lot and he always just seems to be irritated by it. What do you think, @hornpipe2 ?
Yes, that's right. I suppose if I was closer to them, I'd be more Hurt, but as it stands I just feel frustrated by it... like, why lie about something so dumb? Why not just be honest, it would save us all a lot of time? We expect others to lie about the big stuff ("oh you're cheating on me?") so when the little stuff gets lied about, then it's like "well damn, what CAN I trust?"

To the OP, I think your partner may be trying to lighten the impact of the discovery. These two possibilities come to mind and you'll have to figure out which one it is (and don't get it wrong or else):
* she's joking around, and wants you to reply back "yeah I'm soooo mean", or
* she's serious, in which case be Consistent: "I'm sorry I lied about that... I just (reason)" every time, and then BE HONEST going forward. Eventually, trust can be rebuilt.

Now you've got me wondering what the interest was...

...it's Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction, isn't it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,953 Posts
She feels betrayed because you betrayed her.

Beyond that, if you didn't feel like opening up to her while she was opening up herself, it demonstrates a lack of trust on your part. Maybe her reaction is a bit too much, but you can't blame her.
Best case scenario, you might have to endure her teasing you about it, because what did you expect.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
5,903 Posts
There's probably a lot of nuance and context to your friendship that we random forum users won't be able to see.

Personally I would find it really odd if someone spent ages saying they specifically weren't interested in something when in fact they were, unless it was a somewhat taboo area where it's common for people to lie to save face.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
744 Posts
In addition to what others have said, not sharing your interests with other people makes you an incredibly boring person. But to specifically lie about it? I wouldn't trust you either- it brings to question everything you say from this point forward.

Unless you share your basic interests and just simply chose not to share something worth hiding- like a very niche and specific fetish.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
802 Posts
I'd love to. It's quite typical Fi/Fe right there. Being honest with us is a top priority when it comes to relationship of any sorts. When we are fully honest with you, you can compare it to Fi users being vulnerable and open about their feelings. If we share our mind's content with you freely, it's a big deal.

I'm not gonna question whether she is an INTP or not but we rarely have hateful feelings towards people. Your case very reminds me of how my ENTP friend reacted when I told her I had a boyfriend after few months...(this was a very complicated situation) and we have never really been the same since then. I still can't understand why.

I get that you needed time to trust her but I also get why she was hurt. Especially because you teased her with her passion, so you had plenty of occasions to confess to her sooner.

I feel like I've betrayed her trust when I never expected her to be hurt because I had thought it was more funny than anything, and because I've done the same to other people and they always laughed.
I wouldn't compare her to other people. To be honest I hate it when my INFP friend does it. She isn't weird, she was simply sure 100% there are no secrets between you and now she is disappointed. It's very rare that INTPs act like she did- true. Then again we are not a very trusty type.

Can someone explain what she might be feeling and why? Or maybe how you guys would react in this situation?
Time is the only answer that comes to my mind. Give her time to get over the situation(!). Also have you considered talking with her about it? Tell her that you are sorry and that you didn't mean to hurt her and how can you fix it?(don't put any blame on her or call her weird or anything tho. Nothing worse when you are hurt and someone tells you they didn't expect you to get hurt- as if it was my fault wth) It's really hard to get over a disappointment sometimes. She seems to be REALLY sad about it if she reminds you of the situation with words "People like you".

I can't stress it more but honesty is really important value to an intp. I know it might be hard to receive her nasty behavior but the only reason I can find for it is her being really extremely hurt. I do that only to people who really made me feel shitty. So... I would be really patient with her and try not to judge her by it.

Anyways, I'm sure you can work it out!
Good luck:happy:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Irritus

·
Registered
Joined
·
987 Posts
I dropped my ENFP best friend because she lied. She thought they were harmless lies to save feelings, but to me, anything she said was now in constant question, and anything she said in the past was now in constant question, meaning I had to also reassess all of my reactions in the past to information that may not have been correct. That is stressful and not conducive to a successful relationship. Having to play social games, read between the lines, figure out what people "really mean," and...well, anything that isn't straightforward communication is obnoxious and stressful to me because I can't figure out the correct course of action without accurate information, so you can imagine how I feel about people flat-out lying. It is not acceptable behavior in a close friend.

It is also possible that she is upset that you played her for a fool for so long.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
5,507 Posts
Reading the original post, I don't find the situation too surprising. I can understand her (your INTP friend) feeling hurt about what you did. Normally if I get pissed off or disillusioned with someone, I cut them out of my life. I will probably be "civil" with them after that, but I won't be friendly.

The fact that she is still trying to be friendly might be due to various factors. Maybe she's lonely and/or you are her only friend. If this is the case, it isn't much of a friendship. Maybe that's okay with you, if it's a friendship of convenience (e.g., someone to hang out with at school).

Or maybe she wants to be a true friend and is unable to process this one point. If that's the case, she's waiting to see how things will turn out. She is at a crossroads between accepting you in her life and dumping you, and it's up to you to help her decide. Saying "I hate people like you" and asking if you're lying sounds like an invitation to discuss what happened. I think you need to really bring the thing out in the open. This might involve an argument, or you revealing things about yourself that you don't really want to reveal. And it might be the end of the friendship. But at least you'll both have some kind of closure instead of being passive-aggressive and trying to read each other's minds.

I could be wrong, but if I were her, this is what my answer would be.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
1,052 Posts
I don't know about other INTP's, but good luck trying to lie to me. I'm a human lie detector.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,953 Posts
It's even worse that hobbies are really a trivial part of being friends with someone. If you feel the need to lie about one of your hobbies when really you're not at a point where both of you will fight for hours because of the revelation that you have that hobby ; then you don't feel safe being honest with her.

I know I lie when I know saying the truth will create more problems than it solves, namely, provoking unnecessary fights, or, the person cannot handle the truth, or both at the same time, ending in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" kind of situation. But sharing a hobby is unlikely to create this kind of situation ; if it is, then you have to wonder what you are doing with the person, because clearly you're too different from each other to get along well enough.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top