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This friend(ISFJ) and I (INFP male) are best friends. We’re honest with each other and we know a lot about each other.

She has told me about everything that has happened to her in her life. I know personal info about her that she doesn’t tell anyone else. We are insanely close.

However, due to some insecurities of me, as well as some past friends of hers I can get a little anxious/protective about who she is with. It’s an issue that I’ll discuss with my therapist in a couple of weeks (This was decided before this incident so it was proactive now).

Well last night, while drinking I admitted to not helping her out with something earlier this year partly because I looked up an address she had given me and discovered that one of her old bad news friends was associated with it. I meant to tell her this as admission of guilt to how I felt at the time, but it came out as more of an accusation. I wanted to get it off my chest because it’s best to be honest with friends. I know those feelings were irrational and were never meant to come from a bad place but I know I was in the wrong.

I immediately apologizing as soon as I said what I said because I knew it came out wrong.

She said she wasn’t mad. But she was visibly hurt. She told me that she would choose me over family and that after everything I’ve done for her she’ll never lie to me. I feel like sh*t. Shortly after we hugged and she left, but couldn’t hold it together long enough without me noticing her crying as she walked out.

I don’t know what to do. I’ll give her space because that’s how our friendship is. But I’m afraid I ruined something so good. My inability to think someone so special could treat me well got the best of me and I know I’m wrong for that.

However, we are told to be honest with loved ones and I figured it was good time to get out ahead of it. With the equity each of us have for each other I’m hoping for us to still be cool. But maybe not?

Was I in the wrong for telling her? I don’t think I am in terms of what I meant to do. But I feel like I am in terms of execution and setting of my admission. However, I do understand why she’s disappointed and sad about it. I told her her feelings are valid and if she do don’t want to deal with me anymore I would understand.
 

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Trust me, I am probably the last person on Earth that should be giving advice about this topic. But I know I went through something similar, so maybe I can help you out.
Coming from me, I don't think you were in the wrong for telling her your thoughts. However, it just came out the wrong way. Everyone does that sometimes, and I'm more guilty than anyone. Hell, I'm sure she is even guilty of that sometimes. Don't blame yourself too much for that.

You mentioned your protectiveness over her, why not mention that? You are her friend after all, it is only normal (at least, I think) to want to protect your best friend's interests and security. Especially since she told you she would choose you over her family, it only makes since that you would want to keep her safe. I know I would in that scenario.

But make sure to note that what you said has not changed, and that you still believe "her bad news friend" to be a problem. You came to that conclusion for a reason, and she knows it. Don't back off from what you tried to say.
Try telling her that what you said wasn't an attack on her, but you are just concerned with her being safe.

Try to resist getting emotional, but explain your reasons for your conclusion. If you present the facts to her in a way that doesn't sound like she is under fire, she may be willing to give you an ear.

Then give her some space to think about what you said. You never know, she may take something from it.
If not, I'm sure their will be other opportunities to do so.
 
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You mentioned your protectiveness over her, why not mention that?
I did mention that right after I saw her face when I said it. I shouldn't have though. I shouldn't be trying to make a case for why I said it that way. I should be telling her what I said was wrong, that her feelings are valid and that I should improve on that (which I did).

I just don't know what she's feeling. That's bothering me the most. Did I make her feel guilty? Was it just the fact that she told me about two other bad things that happened to her right before the admission and it's just compounding emotions? Is she just flat out disgusted/disappointed in me?

I'm going to give her a day and then try and formally apologize sober, tomorrow.
 

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I did mention that right after I saw her face when I said it. I shouldn't have though. I shouldn't be trying to make a case for why I said it that way. I should be telling her what I said was wrong, that her feelings are valid and that I should improve on that (which I did).

I just don't know what she's feeling. That's bothering me the most. Did I make her feel guilty? Was it just the fact that she told me about two other bad things that happened to her right before the admission and it's just compounding emotions? Is she just flat out disgusted/disappointed in me?

I'm going to give her a day and then try and formally apologize sober, tomorrow.
Look man, you can do whatever you feel is right. However, regardless of how bad it made you feel, I think you made that conclusion for a reason. I think you should trust your insights.

At the very least, look over what made you feel that way. I'm sure once you look over the evidence, you'll be far more certain and confident. You'll also probably be able to deliver your message in a much more precise manner, and you can also listen to her point of view as you do it. She may understand your perspective a bit more if you explain yourself (preferably sober), instead of running away from it.

It's not saying that her feelings are invalid, or that you shouldn't improve, but since you two are as close as you are, it only makes sense to be truthful. I think you should stand up for yourself.
Since she already knows how you truly feel, I doubt you can take it back anyway. She knows now.

As for how she is feeling, I'm even more useless in that regard. I would have no way of knowing, and you seem just as lost as I am.
But regardless of what we think, I don't think you can change how she feels, as what has been done has already been done. You can't change what happened.
I would focus instead on what you can do.
 
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Look man, you can do whatever you feel is right. However, regardless of how bad it made you feel, I think you made that conclusion for a reason. I think you should trust your insights.

At the very least, look over what made you feel that way. I'm sure once you look over the evidence, you'll be far more certain and confident. You'll also probably be able to deliver your message in a much more precise manner, and you can also listen to her point of view as you do it. She may understand your perspective a bit more if you explain yourself (preferably sober), instead of running away from it.

It's not saying that her feelings are invalid, or that you shouldn't improve, but since you two are as close as you are, it only makes sense to be truthful. I think you should stand up for yourself.
Since she already knows how you truly feel, I doubt you can take it back anyway. She knows now.

As for how she is feeling, I'm even more useless in that regard. I would have no way of knowing, and you seem just as lost as I am.
But regardless of what we think, I don't think you can change how she feels, as what has been done has already been done. You can't change what happened.
I would focus instead on what you can do.
Everything you're saying is true and I will use the time to reflect on what this all meant. So thanks for letting know to do that so it can help with the apology later. It was much needed.
 

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Everything you're saying is true and I will use the time to reflect on what this all meant. So thanks for letting know to do that so it can help with the apology later. It was much needed.
No problem. Best of luck
 
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This friend(ISFJ) and I (INFP male) are best friends. We’re honest with each other and we know a lot about each other.

She has told me about everything that has happened to her in her life. I know personal info about her that she doesn’t tell anyone else. We are insanely close.

However, due to some insecurities of me, as well as some past friends of hers I can get a little anxious/protective about who she is with. It’s an issue that I’ll discuss with my therapist in a couple of weeks (This was decided before this incident so it was proactive now).

Well last night, while drinking I admitted to not helping her out with something earlier this year partly because I looked up an address she had given me and discovered that one of her old bad news friends was associated with it. I meant to tell her this as admission of guilt to how I felt at the time, but it came out as more of an accusation. I wanted to get it off my chest because it’s best to be honest with friends. I know those feelings were irrational and were never meant to come from a bad place but I know I was in the wrong.

I immediately apologizing as soon as I said what I said because I knew it came out wrong.

She said she wasn’t mad. But she was visibly hurt. She told me that she would choose me over family and that after everything I’ve done for her she’ll never lie to me. I feel like sh*t. Shortly after we hugged and she left, but couldn’t hold it together long enough without me noticing her crying as she walked out.

I don’t know what to do. I’ll give her space because that’s how our friendship is. But I’m afraid I ruined something so good. My inability to think someone so special could treat me well got the best of me and I know I’m wrong for that.

However, we are told to be honest with loved ones and I figured it was good time to get out ahead of it. With the equity each of us have for each other I’m hoping for us to still be cool. But maybe not?

Was I in the wrong for telling her? I don’t think I am in terms of what I meant to do. But I feel like I am in terms of execution and setting of my admission. However, I do understand why she’s disappointed and sad about it. I told her her feelings are valid and if she do don’t want to deal with me anymore I would understand.

1. Rarely does confessing your sins while drinking work out well. You're not at your best, they're not at their best.
2. Posting on here may help you sort out your feelings and thoughts, but the person you really need to be working this out with is your friend.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
1. Rarely does confessing your sins while drinking work out well. You're not at your best, they're not at their best.
2. Posting on here may help you sort out your feelings and thoughts, but the person you really need to be working this out with is your friend.
Yeah no doubt.

Yes, will definitely reach out tomorrow some time.
 
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