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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How to do it?

My INFJ friend has lots of problems he can't solve and is stressed a lot about those. He told me everything about those and I tried helping him by trying to find solutions, but I failed, he said I wasn't helping at all :crying:

I'm not really sure about how to make him feel better, and I'd really want to help him, he seems so depressed and desperate !

I can only talk to him through internet, sadly, and there are chances for me to go see him during the summer, but I'd like to cheer him up as soon as possible.
 

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Be available if he wants to talk, you can tell him as much and the offer will be appreciated. We process dark feelings like a person metabolizing venom. We'll be bed/home-ridden and feverish for a few days, then we'll get a bit better but still not quite have our land-legs back, and then we're good and it's behind us. If we bother to talk about it then it means we care enough to talk about it with you. I don't think there's really anything else to do.
 

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How to do it?

My INFJ friend has lots of problems he can't solve and is stressed a lot about those. He told me everything about those and I tried helping him by trying to find solutions, but I failed, he said I wasn't helping at all :crying:

I'm not really sure about how to make him feel better, and I'd really want to help him, he seems so depressed and desperate !

I can only talk to him through internet, sadly, and there are chances for me to go see him during the summer, but I'd like to cheer him up as soon as possible.

Just email him this, "Hey, how are you feeling today? I hope you are feeling better today. I just wanna let you know that you are my good friend and I will always be there for you. If you ever need a listening ear, please don't hesitate to tell me about your problems, because this is what friends are for."

Basically show interest in his life, show concern for him, let him know that you will always be there for him.
 

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How to do it?

My INFJ friend has lots of problems he can't solve and is stressed a lot about those. He told me everything about those and I tried helping him by trying to find solutions, but I failed, he said I wasn't helping at all :crying:
That's probably because he didn't want solutions. He most likely just wanted a shoulder and an ear. Helping doesn't always mean solving the problem; sometimes helping just means listening and showing concern.
 

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I agree completely with Kyrielle.
I mean, there are times when I'll want actual advice, but I will then specifically ask for it(e.g."what do you think I should do?"). If I open up about how I feel about something and how frustrated I'm with something, I can actually get a bit pissed if someone just tells me what I should do about it.
Like Schizoid said, show interest and concern for him. And if he opens up again, try to clarify the problems for him by asking questions. Like "What about that is important/distressing/conflicting?", "What do you think your options are?", "Which problem is most urgent, what could be resolved later?".
So basically my advise would be to stick to questions and leave the suggestions out :)
 

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How to do it?

My INFJ friend has lots of problems he can't solve and is stressed a lot about those. He told me everything about those and I tried helping him by trying to find solutions, but I failed, he said I wasn't helping at all :crying:

I'm not really sure about how to make him feel better, and I'd really want to help him, he seems so depressed and desperate !

I can only talk to him through internet, sadly, and there are chances for me to go see him during the summer, but I'd like to cheer him up as soon as possible.
Tell us, do you know his type? I am talking about the Enneagram. It would help get a better picture of what troubles him and what you can do.

Honestly, when I hear people say "leave someone alone" especially when they are down and hurting, I wonder if it's not just the INFJs way of distancing from the problem? I would strongly recommend helping by presence, instead of helping by absence. Sometimes we say we want to be alone, but we don't always know what's good for us, sometimes what we want is not what we need.

Can you get your friend tested to find out the Enneagram?
 

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I can only speak for myself, but I just want someone to listen. Validate. Assure me. I can be turned off at being told what to do, bc people's advice can be harmful. Also, I don't like the feeling of someone trying to fix me. I'm the one that gets to solve my problems. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Tell us, do you know his type? I am talking about the Enneagram. It would help get a better picture of what troubles him and what you can do.

Honestly, when I hear people say "leave someone alone" especially when they are down and hurting, I wonder if it's not just the INFJs way of distancing from the problem? I would strongly recommend helping by presence, instead of helping by absence. Sometimes we say we want to be alone, but we don't always know what's good for us, sometimes what we want is not what we need.

Can you get your friend tested to find out the Enneagram?
I couldn't get him to do the test, but my guess would be that he's a 6w5, the description seems to fit him pretty well.


Thanks everyone for all the advices, it's very helful :wink:
 

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Buy a rubik's cube and a hammer...take off one of the cube's sticker and send it to him and the hammer. :laughing:
You can't really solve his problems from a distance all you can do is listen.
 

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I couldn't get him to do the test, but my guess would be that he's a 6w5, the description seems to fit him pretty well.


Thanks everyone for all the advices, it's very helful :wink:
If he's a 6w5 something security related is making him stressed. I know myself too well. He needs someone to be able to depend on that he could give all control and still feel safe knowing that the person will not fail him. That person does not actually have to take control. But that person needs to be ready to do so, able and very honestly dependable in case stuff happens.
 

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How to do it?

My INFJ friend has lots of problems he can't solve and is stressed a lot about those. He told me everything about those and I tried helping him by trying to find solutions, but I failed, he said I wasn't helping at all :crying:

I'm not really sure about how to make him feel better, and I'd really want to help him, he seems so depressed and desperate !

I can only talk to him through internet, sadly, and there are chances for me to go see him during the summer, but I'd like to cheer him up as soon as possible.
I went through some awful times and no one could do anything to help me feel better. It was all on me, and time. Anyway, one friend in particular always found the time to check in on me by sending me a text or email. Knowing how busy she was, it felt really nice just knowing someone kept me in their thoughts. There was nothing they could do, as the situation couldn't be helped, but being checked in on did help. The effort is doing something. :)

Now, others extended the same offer to me, but this particular friend just gets me. Also, my friend is an INTP, too. I'm lucky to know three INTPs. You guys are the best.
 

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Just email him this, "Hey, how are you feeling today? I hope you are feeling better today. I just wanna let you know that you are my good friend and I will always be there for you. If you ever need a listening ear, please don't hesitate to tell me about your problems, because this is what friends are for."

Basically show interest in his life, show concern for him, let him know that you will always be there for him.
I would cry if I received this, lol. Out of gratitude ofcourse. Shows so much concern and love.
 

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I would cry if I received this, lol. Out of gratitude ofcourse. Shows so much concern and love.
And if you added: 'And it's totally okay if I don't hear back from you. I'll still always be here even if it takes you a year to come out of your shell, I'll still be right here waiting for you. Take as much time as you need. I got your back'...

I'd just... ughhh.... <3333
 
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