[rosiegrl]

Male Itype six advice please/its complicated

:

Hi! Thanks for your time. I am a type 7 with 2 wing..[outgoing giver]..who is worried about my ennanegram type six male "FRIEND''..
I started dating a man who is recently[6 mos] divorced,type 6 the loyalist. He was married over 12 years,wife up and left him,moved to another state,and apparently had this planned for some time.She "finaggalled" him to have all assets put in her name a year before leaving. Needless to say, this somewhat financially secure man is now broke. He hates himself for doing this now.Puts himself down, and realizes it was such a mistake.Said to me many times"I dont deserve you"..I TRIED GIVING PEP TALKS,positive talks etc. to no avail.

Although in the beginning on the surface, he seemed "OKAY'' with it all saying he wanted to start a new life for himself,began dating, although said he hated it..That is when I came into the picture. Not believing this could be realistic,[getting over a trauma like this so fast] seeing he was a sensitive man, with a good heart,raising a teenager now alone,..I suggested we be friends.
I doubted he knew what the heck he was doing at this point, was just lonely , so I suggested we not "date" but get to know each other better, since he is like able but hard to get to know too. [this set fine with me as I have commitment issues, and took the pressure off of me!] I said I wanted to get to know him better as a person first, which was true..
So we have been doing this friend thing for about 2 mos now. Meeting for happy hour,smooching on the side, etc. In the interim he has asked me questions out of the blue, like "would you ever move to Arizona?" this is where he is from and family remains. I never answered.[my issues]..

Knowing him a little better at this point,I saw he was depressed being a nurse myself. I told him what I thought, and suggested he talk to someone and get on anti depressants One day out of the blue he called me, I could tell he had been upset,but was trying to be "brave" and asked if I knew of a good therapist. He was barely holding it together.I gave him the info, and actually set up the appt for him, only to find out he cancelled @ the last moment.He has been really evasive,and although I have cked in on himabout 1-2 x weekly,he rarely communicates to me on his own.When I ask how he is, is always very sweet,thanks me for asking, doesnt elaborate,and ends in talk soon..Could you give me advice ? I have been very worried about him. Men at his age are highest rate for suicide, I know he has a lot of stress on him, and told him I am here if he needs me..The last email I sent he didnt answer till 2 days later, but apologized for the late reply.Thanks for your help and sorry its so long...

 

[marzipan01]

It's good. You're doing everything right on the ethical side of things. You can't really do much else. Just hope he does better and be his friend and that's all you can do. But on another note, the smooching on the side isn't helping anyone. He just needs a friend. Not a significant other (at least not from you right now). Don't worry about suicide. Just hope it doesn't happen and don't make any suggestions to him on the matter keep his mind preoccupied with awesome ideas aren't you a type 7? Can't you come up with awesome things to keep his mind off his troubles? And I don't mean kissing. I mean something like biking or hiking or something awesome like that.

 

[rosiegrl]

thank you marzipan! I sincerely appreciate your time and good advice..I will follow it!!

 

[William I am]

Hello! I'm a type 6 myself (Though I feel like maybe it's temporary, whatevs).

One of the things we type 6's, or at least I, worry about the most is breaking social conventions and appearing weird. We don't want to alienate anyone. That means reaching out for help is extra difficult, and likely he is embarrassed as hell that he did in the first place, then embarrassed seven ways from Sunday about the appointment.

If you're worried about him withdrawing and hurting himself, do something about it. Better to feel foolish about that than to feel sorry you didn't do something when you had the chance. Talk to him, and be direct. Say "Hey. I am really worried about you - even just as your friend. I haven't seen you act like this before and you're freakin me out. Come out of your house and spend some time with me and tell me what's going on because I am seriously starting to worry about you."

And yeah, the smooching is probably not helping. Get involved or don't, but something unpredictable is not going to be a stabilizer right now.

 

[rosiegrl]

Thank you WIlliam for your input...I did confront him,and seems he has pushed farther away..But why would he be embarrassed about the appointment,..because he cancelled or made it in the first place??

 

[William I am]

I'm sorry :/ And he might be embarrassed about both making it at all and also about canceling it (after all, he already embarrassed himself by making it and now he's wasted peoples' time and not gotten anything out of it)

It's possible that he's just distancing himself from you because of the smooching and he can't handle it. I don't know though, I really can't say for sure. Do what you can where you are with what you have. (Teddy Roosevelt)

 

[rosiegrl]

thank you William,..I understand now...
missrosie