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Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone,

My girlfriend of 2 plus years is an INTP and I, the ESFJ.
We have had our ups and downs lately, mostly she has been saying that I am not connected to her and not in tune. It is highly important to me that I am indeed connected and in tune with her because, well, she's the love of my life.

I need some insight on what makes a female INTP, or simply INTP in general, tick.
We discuss ideas and concepts a lot and I love that. I personally love some of our differences and believe that they add some great things as to compared if I were with someone who was exactly like me. I don't want a relationship with "me". So, any clues?

If this helps, we are both homebodies, love conversation on ideas and concepts, as mentioned above.
It's just that I want to give her what she needs and yet not feel shortchanged at the same time nor be selfish about my own needs.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
SJ (Those are my initials, not anything to do with my type but I get the comedy of it)
 

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just speaking for myself, if I thought that someone (doesn't have to be a significant other but a friend) wasn't connected to or in tune with me, it would mean a fundamental thing. it's not something that can (or should) be put on, and it can't be learned. I would mean that we don't see the world the same way, we don't speak the same language, we don't value the same things, at least, not in the same way. hearing something like "but I love/enjoy/value our differences" would just result in me feeling even more alienated. I would be looking to feel some degree of commonality. I don't want to be some novel creature that is liked/loved because it is so different.

(I should probably say that when I saw the title of this thread, my reaction was "NO WAY IN HELL.")

(sorry to be so unhelpful. I seem to be addicted to posting unhelpful things in "ask the INTPs for relationship advice" threads. I think an intervention may be needed...)
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Well we don't see each other a lot and there isn't much communication between the times that we do spend together.
I wasn't saying that I love being totally different. There are more commonalities than differences, trust me on that.
Thank for the "help" anyways.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Everytime I do the tests, the results are ESFJ but I'm pretty sure I was once an ISFJ. After two years of being with an INTP though, I have learned a lot, lol, and she we do influence each other. I seriously could not want a better partner in terms of her personality.

I do like going out and I do have that "seller" quality but I think it's something I can switch on and off. the selling part I do for work but I do like to go out and socialize now and then.
I also quite enjoy staying home too. I don't know if that is typical ESFJ stuff. I do get annoyed by people sometimes and I am the "quiet" one in my family. They are all extroverts and have asked for me years to get out of my shell. When I'm with my GF, I'm the talkative one. I'm not crazy about labels too though, they kind of put limits on what you can and can't be, in a way.

See? Now I'm talking too much. :blushed:
 

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I know some ESFJs and INTPs. It sounds like a difficult match, made possible through lots of compromise and openness. But I do know that ESFJs are no doubt homebodies. :) Congrats, you must be very balanced.

I'm not an INTP, but my two cents is... the main contributor to the "disconnect" is the P/J difference. You're probably more traditional, and you probably have strong etiquette values and a long list of should/shouldn'ts. You're more people oriented. You're probably more opinionated on things that she doesn't have a strong opinion on. She probably values time alone to learn to understand whatever complex systems and the analyses of them -- which is something you might be interested in, but might find pointless. You like being productive, getting things done, being practical. She probably likes feeding her inner cravings to analyze and think, but actively does less.

The way you organize and structure things might be challenging for her to slip into, making it more difficult for her to be completely herself when spending daily life with you. My advice is to just be completely accepting and to not push your own "should/should not" beliefs on her (or others even) too hard, because if there is one little fundamental difference in intrinsic viewpoints, she might want to drop the whole thing... Give her lots of space, and try not to be too demanding. You sound like an understanding guy, so shouldn't be too hard.

The ESFJs I know were enneagram 2s though. If you're a diff enneagram, everything I said might be less relevant, dunno.
 
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just speaking for myself, if I thought that someone (doesn't have to be a significant other but a friend) wasn't connected to or in tune with me, it would mean a fundamental thing. it's not something that can (or should) be put on, and it can't be learned. I would mean that we don't see the world the same way, we don't speak the same language, we don't value the same things, at least, not in the same way. hearing something like "but I love/enjoy/value our differences" would just result in me feeling even more alienated. I would be looking to feel some degree of commonality. I don't want to be some novel creature that is liked/loved because it is so different.

(I should probably say that when I saw the title of this thread, my reaction was "NO WAY IN HELL.")

(sorry to be so unhelpful. I seem to be addicted to posting unhelpful things in "ask the INTPs for relationship advice" threads. I think an intervention may be needed...)
I think I kinda agree with this - idk if it can be helped. The ones I can say I feel connected to... I can really talk to them telepatically sometimes, to the point of mixing my emotions and theirs, or having to ask "were you thinking this at that time this morning?". With others, I just don't get that type of relationship... if that is what she is talking about, I really don't think it can be helped, since I've tried and failed.

Since you say you two have compatibility in terms of speech, talking, ideas, mind, I believe she might be refering to something either spiritual like that, or physical, who knows? I guess you can evaluate that better than us.
 

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What the above said. That said, you are probably the most healthiest ESFJ I have ever met. All other ESFJs that I have met in RL and on the internet have installed in me a great sense of contempt against them. In fact, 99% of ESFJs I have met have one way or another broke my day. And to top it off, my mother is an ISFJ who has the most ignorant and traditional world-view on Earth. I know that it's a big bias, but this is a bias that has been reinforced again and again and again. After all, ESFJs are the most common type out there.

I mean, are you really sure you are an ESFJ? You certainly don't seem like it, or perhaps you are unconsciously following the examples of tonnes of ESFJs out there in the world without truly reflecting on the relationship with your INTP- and believe me, such derision is common in INTP-ESFJ relationships.

I might seem really mean, but I'm pretty sure I'm just stating what all the other INTPs are thinking.

ESFJ-INTP...oh the horror! :mellow::unsure:
 

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What the above said. That said, you are probably the most healthiest ESFJ I have ever met. All other ESFJs that I have met in RL and on the internet have installed in me a great sense of contempt against them. In fact, 99% of ESFJs I have met have one way or another broke my day. And to top it off, my mother is an ISFJ who has the most ignorant and traditional world-view on Earth. I know that it's a big bias, but this is a bias that has been reinforced again and again and again. After all, ESFJs are the most common type out there.

I mean, are you really sure you are an ESFJ? You certainly don't seem like it, or perhaps you are unconsciously following the examples of tonnes of ESFJs out there in the world without truly reflecting on the relationship with your INTP- and believe me, such derision is common in INTP-ESFJ relationships.

I might seem really mean, but I'm pretty sure I'm just stating what all the other INTPs are thinking.

ESFJ-INTP...oh the horror! :mellow::unsure:
Hahaha, I have to agree... you don't seem like an ESFJ. And I hardly have much close contact with them... I find them a little... hmm... too predictable. But then again, every individual is an individual and humans can be really surprising sometimes.
 

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maybe you're an ENFJ or INFJ..that makes a good match. If you're an "S", and she's an "N", you live in the moment, she lives in the abstract concept of "time"..lol so that alone can cause a lot of frustrations.

I think in terms of relationships, though, INTP women enjoy physical displays more than anything, like little cuddles, small favors, stuff like that..in addition to the sharing of ideas, of course.
 

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You are the opposite of me!

I am an ESFJ and have been dating my bf for almost 7 years. He is an INTP.

We have had our ups and downs through our relationship but I think our differences help keep us together. We too have lengthy discussions about everything and while we share the same moral code and beliefs, we differ on a lot of things.

We have both learned from each other over the years. I have learned to not expect the romantic displays that I used to crave from him. I also don't try to force him into doing things that I consider fun that I know he's uncomfortable with, such as going out with friends constantly. He compromises as well. He lets me make our plans and trys his best to be emotional support for me.

I think the biggest thing is compromise. as long as you are both able to put aside your pride and try to see the other's side of things it could work. I am living proof of that :)
 

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hi, i'm an intp female dating a esfj male so maybe i can give some opposite perspective for you.

i have to say, as an intp female i spend most of my time feeling like i'm not connected or in tune with virtually everyone i meet! i think the fact that you care enough to make an effort to change that will go a long way for starters.

by far the biggest saving grace in my relationship is that he doesnt treat me like a "girlfriend" or "lover" but just as an equal, a fellow human. he is genuinely curious about my thoughts and ideas and ambitions regardless of the fact that my ever flowing consciousness makes it hard to keep up sometimes!

possibly the reason she is feeling disconnected and out of tune is that you havent realised that something about her has changed, and lets face it, people arnt mind readers and being intp she may have overlooked that fact and kinda hoped you would have anyway!

my guess is that she may have found a new goal or ambition or dream, maybe travel or change of job or even just a desire to do something different like join a film club or take up yoga or something. unfortunately she may not even be able to articulate those changes herself yet if she doesnt feel confident in expressing an idea that isnt yet fully formed. i myself feel great frustraion at not being able to express what i mean cos i just havent spent enough time thinking on it and from what i gather that is very common with intp's.

my advice, talk to her, and ask her if there is anything new with her, and be prepaired to listen to what she wants cos she'll mean it too. even so, it may be possible that what has changed is that she realised she doesnt want to be in the relationship anymore.

best of luck,

lc
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Hi Lupinda,

Thank you very much for your outlook. I appreciate it.
I can't say that I treat my GF as a girlfriend or lover only, I mean we are def. equals. Usually it is me that asks to be treated equally, lol. Maybe you are right by saying something about her has changed & she herself might not be fully aware. She dislikes expressing herself all the time, as do I, and she dislikes talking about "our relationship", as do I, yet we both do it from time to time.
Also, we don't see each other all that much, once every second weekend, for personal reasons of hers that I will keep to myself but it's nothing major. And we both still want to be together, we talked about the option of just leaving each other but she told me that wasn't really in the cards for her...meaning us.

Anyway, Thank you again and you did help out quite a bit.
Merry Christmas!!
 

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no problem!

yeah i completely understand the whole not wanting to discuss it thing, especially when i think my emotions arn't under control about something, which tends to be the times when open communication is most important too so go figure!

anyways, merry christmas to you too, and all the best

lc
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Well I understand that more and more but I guess I am one for harmony and to not let issues linger on forever. I do value getting to the root of an issue and dealing with it to simply move on and not let any resentment build up. Sometimes that bites me on the butt.

I am not so keen on being the emotional one though, lol.
I tend to lead without knowing it.

Thanks!
 

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What the above said. That said, you are probably the most healthiest ESFJ I have ever met. All other ESFJs that I have met in RL and on the internet have installed in me a great sense of contempt against them. In fact, 99% of ESFJs I have met have one way or another broke my day. And to top it off, my mother is an ISFJ who has the most ignorant and traditional world-view on Earth. I know that it's a big bias, but this is a bias that has been reinforced again and again and again. After all, ESFJs are the most common type out there.

I mean, are you really sure you are an ESFJ? You certainly don't seem like it, or perhaps you are unconsciously following the examples of tonnes of ESFJs out there in the world without truly reflecting on the relationship with your INTP- and believe me, such derision is common in INTP-ESFJ relationships.

I might seem really mean, but I'm pretty sure I'm just stating what all the other INTPs are thinking.

ESFJ-INTP...oh the horror! :mellow::unsure:

I need to agree with this.
I read the title and cringed. Sorry to say, but I can't help but feel sorry for the girlfriend.


Honestly, though, the OP seems like a weirdo ESFJ. :confused:
 

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I think you guys are empathizing with the INTP's perspective a little too much.
It's difficult for both parties, after all. I give the OP credit for taking the initiative to come to us for advice.

Good luck.
 

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I just got out of a three-year relationship with an immature ESFJ (anger problems, too easily influenced by his friends). However, if he were a healthier ESFJ, I can imagine it working out for us. After all, our differences were what kept the relationship interesting.
 
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