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Discussion Starter #1
This situation looks... pretty bad from my vantage point. I'd appreciate an ENTP perspective! :)

So: my ENTP. We met. We clicked. It was pretty much amazing.

Then he asked me if I had feelings for him; I gave him the truth ("yes, somewhat, I'd like to get to know you better"). He said it was a big compliment and he'd like to get to know me better, too. He also said I'd be a great fit with his core group of friends and he'd help get me involved in dorm social life. (I'm not a recluse, just not that active.)

Shortly afterwards he got into a brief relationship that ended very badly. On top of that he's seriously struggling with other friend/family problems, and told me my company really helps. Cue a month of nurturing, daily contact (which he almost exclusively initiated), sexual tension & mixed signals interspersed with him saying weird things like "don't fall for me, I don't want to hurt you" and "I'm not worthy of a relationship at this stage of my personal development" (while kind of pursuing other girls). Though I hadn't brought it up since our earlier conversation, he seemed to have a huge problem with the prospect of me having any feelings for him, though he regularly complimented my appearance and noticed little changes. I downplayed it and told him not to worry. I all but gave up waiting for him. Sucked, but I figured that was healthiest.

At some point I started to feel transparent. It felt more like he was monologuing at me and he made me feel inadequate, though I don't think he did it deliberately ("these are the following people I'm most close to," "these two are the only girls I've ever felt were my type," "I just want someone who can keep up with me," "I feel like I deserve someone in amazing shape," etc.). (Just for the record, I'm in fine shape. :p) I started questioning myself and assessing my worth against his near-impossible standards. I had the feeling he might suddenly lose interest in me when he no longer needed me around.

I also had the feeling I wasn't an equal in the friendship; we always hung out in his room, and when I made the initiative to contact him first, which was rarely, I felt like some psycho clingy girl. Plus the social circle he'd been excited to help me get into kind of fell apart due to outside circumstances, and rather than invite me to things he suggested I get a new hobby and join a club. Sensible advice, but I felt sort of abandoned.

A couple days ago he texted me late at night after coming back early from a party (one I'd hinted I really wanted to go to, incidentally), and he was in a terrible mood, though he didn't want to talk about it and he didn't want my company. After snapping at me, he texted again an hour later (but by then I was asleep). Since then, he hasn't contacted me once, which is weird enough, but he's also blown me off, which is especially bizarre. I can't imagine how this has anything to do with me but I'm kind of at a loss.

I love that he trusts me and I can help him get through tough days, and I think he appreciates my nurturing. I have no idea why the sudden change. But ummm. Even if he does start talking to me again, I can't keep this up indefinitely. :| It's exhausting...
 

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Hey stop describing how I deal with people it's spooky.


My advice is to tell him what you just told us.

Yes he's likely that oblivious.

Be courageous and make your feelings known.
Tell him his behaviour hurts you and you just need him to be a man and make a decision.

Say it just like that.

The problem of course is that you will have to deal with the consequences, as it's highly likely he'll pussy out at the mention of "feelings" let him know that no matter what he says his actions are confusing and so he cannot run from the responsibility of being accountable for peoples feelings.
 

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Or you could just cut him off, say you can't deal with him.
Don't tell him about the timeline, wait for him to contact you. trust me he will and THEN hit him with the previously mentioned ultimatum.

If it works I'm going to need $50 or a handjob.(its technically not cheating) I take paypal.
 
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oh and point out to him that he'll never learn how to deal with commitment without making one.
 

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This is more unhealthy and immature dude behavior than truly ENTP-related behavior. My suggestion? Cut yourself off. You don't need his toxic shit. It sounds like he hasn't done anything for you other than provide company whenever it's convenient for him. If you really think it would somehow be worth it, talk to him frankly about your problems, but my suggestion is just to let this one go. He sounds like an asshole, and once you've been away from him for a bit, you'll be able to see it more clearly, too.
 

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Shortly afterwards he got into a brief relationship that ended very badly. On top of that he's seriously struggling with other friend/family problems, and told me my company really helps. Cue a month of nurturing, daily contact (which he almost exclusively initiated), sexual tension & mixed signals interspersed with him saying weird things like "don't fall for me, I don't want to hurt you" and "I'm not worthy of a relationship at this stage of my personal development" (while kind of pursuing other girls).
Ever read about ENTP "reality distortion field"?

Anyways I'm not going to say much, as it is much more fun to discover things for yourself ^^
But just to add that not all ENTPs are manipulative but there is a certain portion of them that devotes significant time to it. I've met a few and believe these are the ENTP who are stronger on their Ti function (hence the objectification that you feel in conversations with him). The intuitive subtype seems to be further in the realm of imagination somewhere to bother with manipulating people around.
 

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It sounds like he tries to play many women at once. He probably made a real connection with you and thats what drives him to say things like dont fall for me ill only hurt you. I bet he really does like you but is scared... the best thing you can do is be blunt and HONEST about what you want and demand that he do the same. but i wouldnt waste my time, i dont see this ending with "happily ever after".
 

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I would stop offering this "nurturing." I don't think of INTJs as the nurturing sort anyway, so I'm surprised you're so willing to give him this nonreciprocal support. Tell him he needs to deal with his own problems without emotionally exhausting you. If he still wants you around, he'll hopefully change his tune. If not, then you probably won't hear from him again.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Everyone, thanks for the insightful feedback!

agokcen - Think you're right about that. don't get me wrong, I love ENTPs, and this experience changes nothing! ♥

vel - ...Oh. Um. That actually makes perfect sense :')

TravelinMax - He has about 90% of the symptoms, yeah...



His behavior's become nothing if not even more dickish since I posted this. Conclusion: you guys were right. From the way he described it, seems to me he's playing several other girls right now similar to the way he treated me, and he got involved with them around the time he stopped contacting me.

He did start talking to me again, just less frequently than before. I finally told him upfront I felt used, and he apologized and gave me some bullshit line about how he compartmentalizes his friends (girl-to-workout-with, girl-to-party-with), and I'm girl-to-hang-out-with-late-at-night, which explains why he never wants to spend time with me in any other context. ...You'd think I would've figured it out after so many "Dead night, wanna hang?" texts .______. Good job, self. Still, no matter how many times things like this happened, I still felt like I was the one with the problem: I was just being too sensitive or demanding. It took a pretty extreme case to finally snap out of it.

I was with him when he ran into car trouble and had to call for emergency repairs, and kept him company for two hours in a cold parking lot even though our dorm was within walking distance. I was standing next to him when he explained to the repair guy how he needed it fixed right away because he was "taking a girl to a concert tomorrow morning-- [gesturing to me] not this girl." He's certainly free to spend time with other people, but... smooth, guy. I was hurt when, a little after driving us back, he went to a campus showing of my favorite movie, which we both love and have talked about a lot, with one of his new girls. (Not the one he was taking to the concert.) He'd even told me in as we waited in the parking lot that he was taking her to see it tonight and that she was "just a friend, not my type." He'd had a perfect window to ask me along, but left me behind.

He seems to regret having alienated me somewhat but hasn't contacted me much since I explained I felt used. One time he did he sounded needier than ever, but at least he repeated "but only come talk to me if you want to" a couple times. Maybe he'll learn. I hope he grows up, he could be such an amazing person if he got over himself. But for now he's not someone I need in my life. Clearly.
 

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He's using you as a safety net in between relationships, so he's not alone ...
No ENTP would like a girl and not want to be involved.

Give him the boot and tell him he's insecure ... don't acknowledge when he tries to get in the last word.
He'll over analyze the whole thing and you'll have him dancing like a puppet. After a week he'll soften to you and establish contact, don't take the bait ... it's manipulation and he just feels like the 'loser' ...
 
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