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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
HELP HELP HELP!
I desperately need help dealing with a manipulative ESFP in my life.
To start off:
I am an ENTJ and he is an ESFP.
I'm not sure how to handle the situation because I haven't figured out ESFP's yet :(
I'd love the point of view of an ESFP!

His motto seems to be, "I don't trust I will get what I need, so I will give myself every advantage."

He has manipulated me to the point where he controls everything I do.
He believes he has total control over me. (which he does)
He believes I will do whatever he wants, if he asks the right way. (which is true)
Nothing I do is good enough for him.
I am never acknowledged when I please him either.
PLUS he's cheated on me multiple times. (but I can't reveal my sources so I was never able to confront him about it)

But sadly, I'm still attracted to him. You are all too charming and I always fall for this type :(
He knew I wanted someone to care about me and he faked it to get what he wanted out of me.
Thankfully I've realized that he is not healthy for me.

I WANT OUT!
I've tried to leave many times.
I cut off all communication with him.
That led to begging and pleading.
When I didn't give in, he resorted to emotional blackmail.
He just makes me feel as if I am obligated to stay with him. And it works.
Which obviously drew me back in. And now I am stuck. I'm just going in a circle.
I've tried to buy as much time as possible but enough is enough for me.
Its as if he's saying, "You're no good, but I'll do everything in my power to keep you in my life."

I realize I am only adding to the fire when I respond to him, but not responding clearly didn't work.
I am the type to be super direct and confrontational. I explain why I am doing certain things and how it will be beneficial to the both of us. He is only worried about what will make him happy right now. So everything I tell him goes in through one ear and out the other.

SO MY QUESTION TO ALL YOU ESFP's OUT THERE:

In a perfect world, how would YOU like to be dumped?
I know it's a strange question, but think about it.
A way that would stop you from contacting me continuously and still feel satisfied with the end of the relationship?PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really appreciate it! Is anyone willing to share their experience? How they got out of a manipulative relationship?
I'd love to know how you did it!!

THERE MUST BE A FORMULA OF SOME TYPE.
SOME WAY TO GET RID OF HIM.

For some reason I've involved my emotions for the first time in my life.
This is one situation I CAN'T get myself out of.
I hate feelings. Ugh.

Thank you thank you!:)
 

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I think what is meant by "not entj", is xNTJs are notorious for cutting people out of their lives completely, and countlessly there are comments about how easy this is to do for them, when someone is not seen as a positive part of their lives. I have to agree, I have a hard time believing you to be an ENTJ as well, based on this story. Much more likely an ENFP.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I think what is meant by "not entj", is xNTJs are notorious for cutting people out of their lives completely, and countlessly there are comments about how easy this is to do for them, when someone is not seen as a positive part of their lives. I have to agree, I have a hard time believing you to be an ENTJ as well, based on this story. Much more likely an ENFP.
Fair enough! I see what both of you are saying, and yeah! It's really easy for me to cut ANYONE out of my life, no second thoughts about it. It's usually very logical. And from the outside it does seem logical to leave!!

But I'm positive I'm an ENTJ.
I've never opened up to anyone. Not even my own family. He just made me feel really safe, so I gave in. This is not typical behavior for me.

It's only with ESFP's that I am unable to get rid of. It's something about their charm...
I don't know how to deal with them. :(

I want a plan. I want a fault proof way to get him out of my life completely. I will literally do anything.
 

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Yeah, this doesn't sound like a typical problem of an ENTJ, but then again your inferior Fi can create some unexpected problems in the personal realm. A romantic interest can be an ENTJ's weakness, at least until their Te wakes up from their Fi slumber. Also, I had a very unhealthy and manipulative ESFP friend who dragged out a relationship/non-relationship with my INTJ friend, and this was a guy who was nearly unmanipulable. I still shudder when I think of how messed up it all was. Anyway, your interest in developing a plan here along with your resolve to act now does make you sound like an ENTJ.

You are not obligated to stay with this guy. You're lucky you're not married: you can just walk away. Do it. In fact, don't walk, run. There's no way this relationship can benefit you and your life, it will only cause you destruction. A healthy relationship is nothing like this.

Fool-proof way? I don't know. Maybe tell him a few things you love about him (ESFPs especially feel good about that), but then say that you've realized he's not what you're looking for long-term and you're moving on now. No further explanations, no room for him to argue or manipulate, just state it, be firm, and don't give him another chance to cause you to question your decision. With someone this manipulative you have to be extremely firm: no moments of weakness where you give him a sign of a foothold to move in again. No matter what you do he won't be satisfied, he'll be upset, but when he eventually believes that it really is over between you and he finds someone else to deal with his crap then he'll be satisfied. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Yeah, this doesn't sound like a typical problem of an ENTJ, but then again your inferior Fi can create some unexpected problems in the personal realm. A romantic interest can be an ENTJ's weakness, at least until their Te wakes up from their Fi slumber. Also, I had a very unhealthy and manipulative ESFP friend who dragged out a relationship/non-relationship with my INTJ friend, and this was a guy who was nearly unmanipulable. I still shudder when I think of how messed up it all was. Anyway, your interest in developing a plan here along with your resolve to act now does make you sound like an ENTJ.

You are not obligated to stay with this guy. You're lucky you're not married: you can just walk away. Do it. In fact, don't walk, run. There's no way this relationship can benefit you and your life, it will only cause you destruction. A healthy relationship is nothing like this.

Fool-proof way? I don't know. Maybe tell him a few things you love about him (ESFPs especially feel good about that), but then say that you've realized he's not what you're looking for long-term and you're moving on now. No further explanations, no room for him to argue or manipulate, just state it, be firm, and don't give him another chance to cause you to question your decision. With someone this manipulative you have to be extremely firm: no moments of weakness where you give him a sign of a foothold to move in again. No matter what you do he won't be satisfied, he'll be upset, but when he eventually believes that it really is over between you and he finds someone else to deal with his crap then he'll be satisfied. Good luck.
Thank you! And regardless of what I am, I just want to know HOW I can get him to leave me alone. I really don't care how it is done.
That really helped! Thank you thank you!! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Also, would it be better to give him his closure and then break the news? (Satisfying him, then telling him that was the last time and I'm done)
Or the other way around. (Telling him I'm done, then giving him one last time)
Or no closure, straight to my point?

which is the quickest/most effective way to get rid of him?
help :(
 

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An ESFP in total control of an ENTJ? Please tell me his secret and TOGETHER WE WILL RULE THE GALAXY AS FATHER AND SON! :laughing:
 

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An ESFP in total control of an ENTJ? Please tell me his secret and TOGETHER WE WILL RULE THE GALAXY AS FATHER AND SON! :laughing:
Three words. Fear, obligation and guilt.
Keep in mind this is the only person in the universe that I have allowed into my life.
And I regret it so much. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to let anyone in again.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Is anyone willing to share their experience? How they got out of a manipulative relationship?
I'd love to know how you did it!!

THERE MUST BE A FORMULA OF SOME TYPE.
SOME WAY TO GET RID OF HIM.

For some reason I've involved my emotions for the first time in my life.
This is one situation I CAN'T get myself out of.
I hate feelings. Ugh.
 

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Not specific to ESFP but I have been in a manipulative relationship and it really only ended when I found myself falling for someone else. I essentially had to cut off contact completely. When I tried previously to break it off in person I got a whole lot of guilt tripping including threats to hurt themselves. So, as cruel as it sounds, I wrote an email saying I couldn't be his girlfriend anymore, and that was that. He begged to see me for closure, but I said I wouldn't be able to right away (maybe in a month or so). He wrote me a scathing response about pretending I didn't exist anymore. That was that. Over. Lots of relief. Then I experienced what a true healthy relationship is supposed to feel like.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Not specific to ESFP but I have been in a manipulative relationship and it really only ended when I found myself falling for someone else. I essentially had to cut off contact completely. When I tried previously to break it off in person I got a whole lot of guilt tripping including threats to hurt themselves. So, as cruel as it sounds, I wrote an email saying I couldn't be his girlfriend anymore, and that was that. He begged to see me for closure, but I said I wouldn't be able to right away (maybe in a month or so). He wrote me a scathing response about pretending I didn't exist anymore. That was that. Over. Lots of relief. Then I experienced what a true healthy relationship is supposed to feel like.
you're so strong!! thank you so much for that!
what got you over the initial fear that he wouldn't go through with the threats?
how did you convince yourself out of the obligation?!
 

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Hmm....maybe you could use reverse psychology on him? Seems like it works on my manipulative ex (not an esfp), but that can also be tricky....
 

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you're so strong!! thank you so much for that!
what got you over the initial fear that he wouldn't go through with the threats?
how did you convince yourself out of the obligation?!
I just had to decide that he wasn't my problem anymore. That chances are he wouldn't actually go through with anything. And if he did, it was for his family and friends to take care of. One person putting all that responsibility on you is completely unfair.

Like I said, the catalyst was me falling for someone else. It was like, ok, this has to end for real now, and I can't feel bad about doing what I know is better for myself.
 

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He's like the devil: he can only work with what you give him to work with.
Here are a few suggestions:

If you have been involved sexually, breaking free will be that much harder and he knows that. He knows your fears and instead of caring about you, he undermines you to get the upper hand, to get what he wants. He feeds on your fears and insecurities so it seems like you have no choice. YOU DO.
See him for what he is: See that his charm is a form of manipulation itself.
See that the dark aspects of his personality are the dominant aspects with regard to you and will only get worse with time.

Stop caring, stop crying, stop wondering if he is thinking about you.
Stop believing the horrible things that he says about you.
Stop inviting him back into your life.
If you feel on even the smallest, most hidden level that his wanting you is somehow complimentary, stop it.

Pay the five bucks or whatever your phone carrier charges and block his number. Tell his friends explicitly that you don't want to hear from him or about him again. Tell your family you won't accept calls from him and they better not either! Block him on Facebook. Asks your friends to block him so he can't see your posts.
Tell him you will involve the police if he doesn't leave you alone.
Call the police.

When you are done, you are done. You will have no further communication, you will feel nothing and you will roll your eyes in disgust when he turns on the charm or threatens you. You will not allow yourself to be drawn back in to the crazy.
Work on building your self esteem apart from dating.
But be open to a genuinely nice guy.

So, ProudEntj, are you done with him or not? Choose what you are and be that.
 

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Seriously has nothing to do with your type, honestly, l could see inferior Fi manifesting that way.

ENFPs and INFPs cut people out completely quite often, l see it as a common perceiver (especially NP ) thing.

Obviously it can go the other way, but ENFP especially is not really a dependent type.
 

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"I'm realizing this relationship isn't right for me. If you really respect me and love me, you will give me space to do what's right for me. I'm sorry if this is hard for you, but this is what needs to happen. Please don't contact me. If I want to talk to you, I will reach out."

Then cut all communication, refuse to answer him. Don't engage in fights. Just coldness; no responses; nothing. Restraining order if it's that bad.

Sounds like a narcissist from what you're saying. Don't feed his ego in any way. Give him nothing. Don't show him pain, anger, love, or any kind of attention.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
He's like the devil: he can only work with what you give him to work with.
Here are a few suggestions:

If you have been involved sexually, breaking free will be that much harder and he knows that. He knows your fears and instead of caring about you, he undermines you to get the upper hand, to get what he wants. He feeds on your fears and insecurities so it seems like you have no choice. YOU DO.
See him for what he is: See that his charm is a form of manipulation itself.
See that the dark aspects of his personality are the dominant aspects with regard to you and will only get worse with time.

Stop caring, stop crying, stop wondering if he is thinking about you.
Stop believing the horrible things that he says about you.
Stop inviting him back into your life.
If you feel on even the smallest, most hidden level that his wanting you is somehow complimentary, stop it.

Pay the five bucks or whatever your phone carrier charges and block his number. Tell his friends explicitly that you don't want to hear from him or about him again. Tell your family you won't accept calls from him and they better not either! Block him on Facebook. Asks your friends to block him so he can't see your posts.
Tell him you will involve the police if he doesn't leave you alone.
Call the police.

When you are done, you are done. You will have no further communication, you will feel nothing and you will roll your eyes in disgust when he turns on the charm or threatens you. You will not allow yourself to be drawn back in to the crazy.
Work on building your self esteem apart from dating.
But be open to a genuinely nice guy.

So, ProudEntj, are you done with him or not? Choose what you are and be that.

Wow that was probably the best advice ever.
Thank you very much for that!

My problem isn't getting over him.
I am completely fine leaving him, I won't miss him (because of my recent realizationions of how unhealthy this is).
My only fear is feeling obligated by his threats.
So thank you. This has helped me build up the courage to stand up for myself! :)
I choose to stand up for myself! I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. But I will try!
 

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Discussion Starter #20
"I'm realizing this relationship isn't right for me. If you really respect me and love me, you will give me space to do what's right for me. I'm sorry if this is hard for you, but this is what needs to happen. Please don't contact me. If I want to talk to you, I will reach out."

Then cut all communication, refuse to answer him. Don't engage in fights. Just coldness; no responses; nothing. Restraining order if it's that bad.

Sounds like a narcissist from what you're saying. Don't feed his ego in any way. Give him nothing. Don't show him pain, anger, love, or any kind of attention.

AHHHHHHHH THANK YOU!! This is what I needed! I think I need to go by almost a script to tell him I'm completely done. Thank you x10000000! And yes he is definitely a narcissist.

How do you feel about closure before all of this because to him it will be very out of the blue and I haven't seen him for a while. Is 'one last time' a bad idea?
 
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