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How many of you are there here?
How did marriage change your life?
What "stages" have you experienced in your marriage (did the idealistic romantic love fade/alter)?
Anything you might have done differently in the past if you could?
What are your biggest challenges?

These are just off the top of my head, you can ask/answer any other question if you'd like.
 

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How did marriage change your life?

It didn't. I changed my life. Marriage is a relationship. All relationships have boundaries depending on the boundaries, you give that relationship a different name. For me relationships are about transformation. I have be able to wake up the next day knowing that my relationships have made me a better person than I was the day before.

Being with my wife has made me want to grow. Growth for me is from going to one set of problems to a better set of problems. My biggest problem before I met my wife was, can I make it to the club before the cover charge. I was temping, living paycheck to paycheck and dancing 4-7 nights a week and it was a blast.

Then after I decided that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her then I started thinking, gee it would be nice to travel and maybe have some savings and insurance in case we get hurt. I considered that a better set of problems to focus on than missing cover. That's when I taught myself web design and programming and 4 years after we got married, I bought my first property.

It doesn't mean I stopped clubbing. I still go once a week.


What "stages" have you experienced in your marriage (did the idealistic romantic love fade/alter)?

I think all relationships have 4-8 year cycles depending on the couple. My wife and I have 7 year cycles. The first 7 years was just getting to know each other. Lots of traveling, lot of shared experiences.

The 2nd seven years is the life building stage. Gee, what do I want to create with my life. We each had to answer that in our own way. The 2nd stage is the killer because you might decide the life you want to build and the person you want to be is incompatible with your spouse. We almost broke up. But it came down to transformation. No relationships will ever be without problems, it's just going to be a different set of problems. However, another relationship might not give you transformation.

Anything you might have done differently in the past if you could?

I would have let my wife handle the finances earlier. I can make money. I'm kind of crappy at managing it. So for the last 12 years, I just turned my paycheck over to my wife.


What are your biggest challenges?

It's the inverse relationship between intimacy and passion. Read the book Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel. One of the best books about long-term relationships ever.

More intimacy, less passion. More passion, less intimacy. That was one thing I missed in all the relationship books I read in my early years or we would have figured out how to manage it better.

I already knew the big 3 breakup issues: money, sex, kids - in that order. So for all the INFPs that don't think money will ever be an issue because you'll marry someone who doesn't care about money too and things will work out, you're in for an interesting time.
 

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We met a new couple at yoga and invited them dinner a few days ago. Now that's the type of life, we're working towards. They've been married 39 years. They retired early. And now they're traveling the world 4 times a year. They garden, do yoga 3 times a week, read a lot and travel. What a wonderful couple to have in our lives.

Next time, I plan to ask them relationship questions. Ever since I got married at 26, I've been asking older couples who have been married multiple decades, how they've managed to stay together. It doesn't mean we solved our issues the same way. But out of 50+ people I've interviewed over the years, the issues of long-term relationships are the same. It's nice knowing the challenges that are coming up and trying to get a handle on them early.
 

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We met a new couple at yoga and invited them dinner a few days ago. Now that's the type of life, we're working towards. They've been married 39 years. They retired early. And now they're traveling the world 4 times a year. They garden, do yoga 3 times a week, read a lot and travel. What a wonderful couple to have in our lives.

Next time, I plan to ask them relationship questions. Ever since I got married at 26, I've been asking older couples who have been married multiple decades, how they've managed to stay together. It doesn't mean we solved our issues the same way. But out of 50+ people I've interviewed over the years, the issues of long-term relationships are the same. It's nice knowing the challenges that are coming up and trying to get a handle on them early.
I was married 16 years and now divorced for the past 2 years. I've never been happier. I like being single much more than married. I really don't enjoy having to be accountable to somebody else every single day of my existence. I like to do what I want, when I want. No hassles, no complaints, no conflict. It's been wonderful.

I don't want to be married again. I highly advise INFP males to consider whether marriage is right for them. I think marriage directly contradicts some of the major personality traits of INFP males.
 

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I was married 16 years and now divorced for the past 2 years. I've never been happier. I like being single much more than married. I really don't enjoy having to be accountable to somebody else every single day of my existence. I like to do what I want, when I want. No hassles, no complaints, no conflict. It's been wonderful.

I don't want to be married again. I highly advise INFP males to consider whether marriage is right for them. I think marriage directly contradicts some of the major personality traits of INFP males.
would you say this is just the case with INFP males, not females?
 

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Whether marriage is right for you comes down to belief systems and value hierarchy. I would say that many INFP value connection over freedom. And that's why people get married in the first place. They meet someone. They form this really strong connection, develop love for this other person and then get married for whatever reasons.

Some think that relationships are about love and commitment and that marriage is the ultimate symbol of that commitment. Unfortunately, the statistics say that 50% of those commitments get broken and usually because love hasn't really made their relationship work. I know divorced couples who still love each other, but they just couldn't make a relationship work.

People change and values conflicts come up that some couples are just incapable of working through. Especially when Freedom becomes a higher value than Connection. Also, just because you created an intimate connection at the beginning of the relationship doesn't mean that a couple is able to sustain that connection. So then the entire reason they got married in the first place becomes null and void over the years.

This is the reason why I don't believe in soul mates or "the one". No two people are ever going to be 100% emotionally compatible, sexually compatible, spiritually compatible, want the same things.
 

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I'm pretty sure my ex-infp husband wasn't happy with married life!- lol

I wasn't either for that matter. Neither of us were suited to that lifestyle;
and we got on much better apart.

I must say, I enjoy living alone and the freedom it gives.

However, I must say my ex was a decent guy, we simply
were not compatible which was not necessarily type related.

I get the impression many infp's aren't suited to marriage,
but it's hard to say.
 

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I'm pretty sure my ex-infp husband wasn't happy with married life!- lol

I wasn't either for that matter. Neither of us were suited to that lifestyle;
and we got on much better apart.

I must say, I enjoy living alone and the freedom it gives.

*I know that this was a thread for males - hope you don't mind
me butting in, had to say it as I've known a few infp males who
aren't suited to marriage at all.
Belo, how old are you? Do you tell boyfriends upfront about your feelings for marriage?
 
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