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Getting married places you into an unpredictable phase of life. For all of you married INTP's, how do you feel overall about the choice you made to get married? Has it made you into a stronger person or do you feel that it has taken something away from you? Also, feel free to post any advice or wisdom that gives insight into marriage as an INTP.

Note: Non-married are welcome to post as well.
 

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Best decision of my life, I married when I was 19 (which I wouldn't necessarily recommend)

I'm still on his case as to what indicator he is, although if I never suss it out, it won't matter. He straightened me out at a very confusing time of my life, and is my very best friend.

I think all INTPs need someone actually, if not spouse/partner, a best friend to straighten their shoulders when they slouch, pick them up when they fall over and remove the foot out of their mouth.
 

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Marriage, for me, is awesome. The emotional stability that my ISFJ mate provides for me is un-fucking-imaginable. There's a Dido song that goes, "the closer you get, the better I feel"; know that one? It's exactly how I feel. I learned it and played it for her long ago and it was the first song we danced to at our wedding reception. The communication foibles between our two types and her general philosophical apathy are easily overlooked in recognition of our emotional harmony.

We are also both Army combat vets who are passionate about nature, so we shared some major experiences together (we met in the Army and were friends for 7 years before we started dating. We also served in Iraq together) and we spend most of our time together hinking/camping/backpacking/kayaking, etc. If only she liked video games...

The only downside of marriage is that promiscuity is out of the picture and I generally can't just do whatever-the-hell I feel like. These are petty sacrifices when I look at the big picture.
 

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I know of one INTP-ISFJ pairing that worked out very well - they are good friend of my parents and have come to visit my family at times. I had a sense that the INTP dude's wife felt a bit distant from him and even neglected when I first gotten to observe this pair. They had two small children back then so that probably added extra stress to their relationships too. She even mentioned divorce to my mom but phrased it as a joke during one of the visits. Now after a decade I can say their interaction is definitely warmer. The INTP dude used to be colder - I was amazed that my dad could even get him into a conversation - but over years he has become more personable, more talkative and interested in other people, including his wife and two daughters lol. My sense is that their marriage only improved as time went on as they both look much happier to me now.
 

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There are a lot of advantages to being married. I like that fact that there is always someone there to share my thoughts and ideas with and to support me. And being close to my husband gives me lots of opportunities to reflect on my own behaviour and improve it.

On the other hand, even though I love my husband, I struggle with some aspects of the "traditional" marriage. I sometimes feel trapped and would prefer less couple activities and separate bedrooms, I hate the nagging that often comes with sharing a house and spending a lot of time together. But maybe some people manage to avoid that in their marriages?
 

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I'm married to an ENTP and while I like being married it can be very difficult. ENTP's are very argumenative and this often stresses me out. She also likes to give out household chores for me to do when I'm home which seldom get done which causes more problems. Love being a father but sometimes feel guilty about not spending more time with my dauther instead of sitting in front of a computor sceen for hours at a time. Socializing is another issue as well. Despite all that it somehow works. Unmarried INTPs need to be very careful when chosing their mates. Not many of the other types are equipped to deal with us for the long haul and for gods sake find someone who can share at least some of your interest and that you can have a conversation with about things other than domestic issues.
 

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I was married to an ESFJ. Horrible... just horrible... what was I thinking?! Oh wait, I wasn't. I wasn't even 18 quite yet. lol Needless to say, that didn't last.

I've been dating an ESTJ and it's amazing how one thing can be such a difference. This is the longest, happiest, easiest relationship I've ever been in.
 

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I was married to an ESFJ. Horrible... just horrible... what was I thinking?! Oh wait, I wasn't. I wasn't even 18 quite yet. lol Needless to say, that didn't last.

I've been dating an ESTJ and it's amazing how one thing can be such a difference. This is the longest, happiest, easiest relationship I've ever been in.
I feel your pain. Not that I've been married to such a horrible type, but my sister is ESFJ. I can't stand her! She's so boring and dull. I know it sounds mean, but I can't help it.

For me, personally, marriage has been swell. You no longer have as much freedom as you did when you were single, and it's a bit tough at times dealing with others, as interpersonal skills just aren't our thing, generally. Plus, we often need autonomy and space, time alone to think and reflect and read. However, even with a slight cap on my personal freedom, it's much better than being alone and socially isolated from most people. Having a partner to relate with is a very important thing, even for us robotic automatons!
 

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One of my best friends is INTP - he married an INFP and they seem to do great. They cross-dressed on their wedding anniversary, watch slasher fics on Valentine's day (blood is red! = festive) and before they could afford kids, they adopted a stuffed animal as their imaginary daughter, made her a facebook page & everything. And he brought the bear to school and made it kiss people - and, more frequently, insult them - and then he tried to birth it out from under his t-shirt. She bakes him cookies and he coaxes her into a laundry basket so he can shove it down the stairs like a circus ride.
They are adorable.
 

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One of my best friends is INTP - he married an INFP and they seem to do great. They cross-dressed on their wedding anniversary, watch slasher fics on Valentine's day (blood is red! = festive) and before they could afford kids, they adopted a stuffed animal as their imaginary daughter, made her a facebook page & everything. And he brought the bear to school and made it kiss people - and, more frequently, insult them - and then he tried to birth it out from under his t-shirt. She bakes him cookies and he coaxes her into a laundry basket so he can shove it down the stairs like a circus ride.
They are adorable.

that's so cute! i love it.:happy:
 

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Married INTP's, I need help!

I'm an INTP and Enneagram Type 7w6. Being an INTP I have very poor awareness and understanding of my own feelings (Fi as I understand?) and thus have extreme difficulty in knowing / deciding whether a girl is "the right one" when I'm dating them. As an INTP I have difficulty deciding and over-analyse everything and as a 7 I always think there is someone better for me out there. (I would like to marry and have kids some time. I'm 30...)

Women tend to like me and very quickly want to initiate a long term relationship with me (I also try my best to make them like me to be fair): this seems to always put me in the position where I have to make the decision whether or not to continue the relationship. Damnit. It also leaves a trail of broken hearts which really bothers me (so I have Fe).

I was engaged to a beautiful girl with a golden heart once, but called it off before the wedding. I spent 2 years with internal conflict whether I should marry her before asking her at last. I was physically very attracted and everything was almost perfect, except I didn't get the intellectual stimulation I would have liked. My internal dialogue was something like this: "I love her too much to leave her. I don't have a deep intellectual connection. How important is that for me? You can get the stimulation at work. You just have commitment issues (which I have), fuckit at least one of us seems content, etc". I had sleepless nights and started to feel really depressed and trapped. So we broke it off to the confusion of my parents and friends etc.

Recently (after studying Enneagram type 7) I started thinking that I just have commitment issues and should have just bitten the bullet. Then I spent this weekend in the company of my ex-fiance (1st time in almost 3 years) as part of a group of friends going away (she is married now) and I realised that it was the right decision not to marry her, as I think she would have bored me to death. Now I am completely confused to how to approach future relationships. How do one KNOW!?

Now for my current dilemma... I dated a girl for 2 months while she was on a trip to my country at the beginning of the year. I enjoyed the relationship like I've basically never enjoyed one before (not the least of the reasons being that I thought I could totally open up, as I didn't have to worry about commitment, because she would soon be leaving again anyway. And the relationship was exciting due to it being taboo (different race, and I'm from a very conservative community)). She told me that she would marry me (slightly tongue-in-cheek) but could see I am not ready to commit, so she will give me an open marriage offer which I may accept within a year (again, not TOTALLY seriously obviously). Now I haven't really stopped thinking about her, even though I have cut off communication with her 5 months ago. By a strange twist of fate it turns out I'm flying to the city she lives (different continent) in December (I didn't arrange the trip, my friends did, without any knowledge of her whereabouts). So I contacted her again yesterday (FB) and it looks like we are going to meet up again. Now, the costs column on my figurative cost-benefit analysis sheet is full of negative marks and I'm also scared I just like her because she is "dangerous" and intriguing and taboo: so this is now again a battle between my head and heart. She's also in a long distance relationship with her old boyfriend. I'm confident I will be able to win her back if I go all out and she is convinced I'm serious about it. But this will obviously cause carnage if I just hit and run again (ruin her relationship etc), so I feel I must be reasonable certain I would want a serious relationship with her. Thing is: I'm not. But my heart (or is this my penis) tells me to go for it, or so I think. Confused. This seems like a reoccurring situation in my life. How do I change this?

Any advice as fellow INTP (with also an underdeveloped Fi)?
 

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Never get married.
Marriage is stupid.
Problem solved.

Why get married? What difference does it make? You need to be bound by a contract to stay with the other person?
Maybe then you shouldn't be together.

Marriage belongs in the 14th century.
 

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And shit man.
You had dated her for 2 months and you start thinking about getting married?
Then you break contact for 5 months and still think about it?
All I can tell you is that this is insanity and you should RUN!
 

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There are a lot of advantages to being married. I like that fact that there is always someone there to share my thoughts and ideas with and to support me. And being close to my husband gives me lots of opportunities to reflect on my own behaviour and improve it.

On the other hand, even though I love my husband, I struggle with some aspects of the "traditional" marriage. I sometimes feel trapped and would prefer less couple activities and separate bedrooms, I hate the nagging that often comes with sharing a house and spending a lot of time together. But maybe some people manage to avoid that in their marriages?
Yeah, so many advantages. It's not like everything you mentioned would have still been there if you just stayed with the person without getting married.
 

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Fedor, thanks for your input, but I probably should have realised that other INTP's would probably not give my the totally different perspective to which I was blind... But before I come to that, my view on marriage: the paperwork doesn't mean much to me as well, but I would like to be with someone who is devoted to me and visa versa. I've been in a 6 year relationship and I have experienced many benefits, which would be amplified when both people are committed for life. But that is another discussion.

After posting my first message I decided to speak to my ENFP buddy. It went something like this:
ENFP: "Well, just tell her how you feel..."
INTP: "But what possible purpose could there be in doing this? And how can I go ahead if I'm not even sure what the preferred outcome is I want to achieve..." {breaking out in cold sweat at the prospect of baring my feelings to her, to do with as she pleases}
ENFP: "The purpose is to find out what the preferred outcome is. When she replies, just see how you feel about what she is saying." {I feel my brain twist in my skull trying to imagine this perspective}
INTP: "But then I will lose control over the situation"
ENFP: "Exactly, didn't you just complain about the burden of always being in control?"
INTP: "Fuck"

So anyway, being a type 7, I'm going to try it tonight. It scares the shit out of me. What if I decide I like her :wink: , hahahaha! Off with you logic, here I come feels!! Anyway, will tell you guys what happened: although this is the kind of talk usually preceding unsuccessful ventures in my experience on forums (PerC is the first forum I'm active in). At least I won't feel guilty at the end of this...
 

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Married INTP's, I need help!

I'm an INTP and Enneagram Type 7w6. Being an INTP I have very poor awareness and understanding of my own feelings (Fi as I understand?) and thus have extreme difficulty in knowing / deciding whether a girl is "the right one" when I'm dating them. As an INTP I have difficulty deciding and over-analyse everything and as a 7 I always think there is someone better for me out there. (I would like to marry and have kids some time. I'm 30...)

Women tend to like me and very quickly want to initiate a long term relationship with me (I also try my best to make them like me to be fair): this seems to always put me in the position where I have to make the decision whether or not to continue the relationship. Damnit. It also leaves a trail of broken hearts which really bothers me (so I have Fe).
My general advice for marriage here is that make sure it's someone you like being with, every day, for the rest of your life. Yes, there may be equivalent or even "more compatible" -- but stop thinking about the faceless possibilities for a moment. Would you be happy with this person, would you look forward to meeting each new day with them in your life and being your primary relationship in many respects? Could you support them and offer them support? Do you make a good team?

The thing about love that people might not get up front is that the initial attraction and connection is half the picture. Yes, it's important. But connection is also built by a shared life together. You start depending on each other, you do things together, you build shared memories and a shared timeline. At some point, that becomes a point of love in itself. So even if you meet someone in, let's say, eight years or something, who you have a STRONGER "initial" attraction to or might be more compatible if you were not married and were just going through the grocery mart of potential partners, at that stage this stranger who you might have a stronger initial attraction to than you had with your partner still can't match up to this person you are intimately familiar with and who you have channeled yourself into loving.

So is this person someone you can love and would be happy to face each day with? You want a foundation to build on, and then marriage / LTR builds on that foundation.

Issues happen more when you get involved with someone you don't really mesh well with and there are fundamental problems or differences that prevent a sturdy "shared life" being built together.

Think of it like careers too, it's all similar. There's probably a number of careers you can enjoy, and you will only focus on one or two in your life. Not that you wouldn't have liked or enjoyed the others, but you just choose, and then you build this career and commit yourself to it, and acquire all that knowledge, and you love it even if you could have also done other things.

I was engaged to a beautiful girl with a golden heart once, but called it off before the wedding. I spent 2 years with internal conflict whether I should marry her before asking her at last. I was physically very attracted and everything was almost perfect, except I didn't get the intellectual stimulation I would have liked. My internal dialogue was something like this: "I love her too much to leave her. I don't have a deep intellectual connection. How important is that for me? You can get the stimulation at work. You just have commitment issues (which I have), fuckit at least one of us seems content, etc". I had sleepless nights and started to feel really depressed and trapped. So we broke it off to the confusion of my parents and friends etc.
Intellectual stimulation for certain types of people is very important. I was very unhappy with my partner for years because I wasn't getting intellectual stimulation. It was a huge deal for me, NOT a huge deal for my partner because our needs were different. I need to feel that connection. I did eventually get to a point where I built on a different foundation and tried to have the intellectual need fulfilled through other channels, and so my relationship still had value, but it was a huge disappointment to me and caused a lot of strife/discontent.

So I'm saying it's possible you could have found that stimulation elsewhere eventually and built your marriage on other foundations, but it would have been painful and hard for you and not easy for her either to work through it with you. Did you do the "wrong" thing? I don't know if there is a "wrong," it just would have been difficult and taken a lot of energy. The relationship might have succeeded in the end, but instead you chose to not invest that intense level of energy for an indefinite amount of time. There are no answers, just choices.

Recently (after studying Enneagram type 7) I started thinking that I just have commitment issues and should have just bitten the bullet. Then I spent this weekend in the company of my ex-fiance (1st time in almost 3 years) as part of a group of friends going away (she is married now) and I realised that it was the right decision not to marry her, as I think she would have bored me to death. Now I am completely confused to how to approach future relationships. How do one KNOW!?
I think then you can take that to heart -- that it wouldn't have been happy for you. But each relationship is taken on its own terms.

I think 7's are "smorgasbord" thinkers in the Thinker triad -- they get excited exploring new options and trying everything out. You have to have a way to separate that zest from an actual attraction that is enduring versus transient.

Now for my current dilemma... I dated a girl for 2 months while she was on a trip to my country at the beginning of the year. I enjoyed the relationship like I've basically never enjoyed one before (not the least of the reasons being that I thought I could totally open up, as I didn't have to worry about commitment, because she would soon be leaving again anyway. And the relationship was exciting due to it being taboo (different race, and I'm from a very conservative community)). She told me that she would marry me (slightly tongue-in-cheek) but could see I am not ready to commit, so she will give me an open marriage offer which I may accept within a year (again, not TOTALLY seriously obviously). Now I haven't really stopped thinking about her, even though I have cut off communication with her 5 months ago. By a strange twist of fate it turns out I'm flying to the city she lives (different continent) in December (I didn't arrange the trip, my friends did, without any knowledge of her whereabouts). So I contacted her again yesterday (FB) and it looks like we are going to meet up again. Now, the costs column on my figurative cost-benefit analysis sheet is full of negative marks and I'm also scared I just like her because she is "dangerous" and intriguing and taboo: so this is now again a battle between my head and heart. She's also in a long distance relationship with her old boyfriend. I'm confident I will be able to win her back if I go all out and she is convinced I'm serious about it. But this will obviously cause carnage if I just hit and run again (ruin her relationship etc), so I feel I must be reasonable certain I would want a serious relationship with her. Thing is: I'm not. But my heart (or is this my penis) tells me to go for it, or so I think. Confused. This seems like a reoccurring situation in my life. How do I change this? Any advice as fellow INTP (with also an underdeveloped Fi)?
My advice on that one -- you two months, while she was over here. You have ulterior motives for it being enticing for you, and you're not sure whether they are cosmetic ones or substantial ones. There are lots of problems that have to be worked out for long-distance relationships involving two different countries (including family concerns and where you will locate if you get together) -- it impacts a lot.

You cut off communication 5 months ago and are only picking it up because you 'happen' to be flying out there unexpectedly. To me, that says you're not really invested in her. I know that sounds cold, but if this trip wasn't happening, you wouldn't be talking. Why are you thinking love and marriage now?

if I had to guess, I think you're just not sure about how to find love but want a relationship, and this person does entice you, and now you have this surprise visit that is very exciting... but I'm not sure you really are into her and everything that entails.

Fedor, thanks for your input, but I probably should have realised that other INTP's would probably not give my the totally different perspective to which I was blind... But before I come to that, my view on marriage: the paperwork doesn't mean much to me as well, but I would like to be with someone who is devoted to me and visa versa. I've been in a 6 year relationship and I have experienced many benefits, which would be amplified when both people are committed for life. But that is another discussion.
Yeah, I see the point in "no one needing to have a piece of paper."

But the thing is, if it's someone I love, I actually get a thrill from making it official. I don't understand myself sometimes, as I kind of just "ignore" social expectations and think they're all arbitrary in some way or another, but I don't have any problem in entering that kind of arrangement and accepting signifiers (like changing my last name and wearing a ring) associated with females in Western culture; in fact, I'd kind of thrill to it... for someone I love, anyway, and want to be with.

I do think it's caused issues though when people make that kind of legal bond with someone they actually can't or won't stay committed to, and then it just becomes crazy trying to rescind it.
 

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Hey Jennywocky, thanks a lot for taking the time to reply with some sage advice! I will definitely use most of it.

Just some further insights into my psyche, relating to your comments, for interest sake (and for selfish reasons, as I found it quite helpful just to put my thoughts in writing)

To me, that says you're not really invested in her.
Even worse: I had the opportunity to influence her to stay in my country as she was looking for a university to study at and all of the sudden considered South Africa for that purpose. (she was actually just hinting that she was willing to stay should I decide to commit, in my not-so-humble opinion). So there you are correct, I basically made the decision of not investing, or rather letting her invest). Thing is, to be more truthful, I made the decision that it will only be a "holiday fling" at the very start of the 2 months, before knowing her, and refused to REALLY revisit that decision (probably out of fear). But I suppose I wouldn't have let her go if I was totally in love... (Is this possible for us cold-hearted INTPs?) My housemate said I had a serious case of "puppy eyes" around her. Hows that for INTP stereotype: having to get someone else's opinion on what they think your feelings is, hahaha!

You cut off communication 5 months ago and are only picking it up because you 'happen' to be flying out there unexpectedly. To me, that says you're not really invested in her. I know that sounds cold, but if this trip wasn't happening, you wouldn't be talking. Why are you thinking love and marriage now?
I cut communication off, because I enjoyed it too much and it was consuming me. I did all the rational checks you spoke of and decided to end it, so we both could move on. I did not expect to actually think (feel) about her for so long. The fact that I could have made contact is very valid: although I didn't think it would be fair towards her if the future prospects weren't really realistic (as you cited). But now, I suppose the thought of being in the same city as she is, without even contacting her, was a little too much for me and my relatively good intentions. So I contacted her, and now all these realisations have caused me to reconsider my original decision. Also, you might find it difficult to believe, but I have actually changed a lot since then as well (I changed my 10 year career and life 180 degrees and also had a very traumatic near-death experience: both changing the way I see the world and what I value). I'm talking of love and marriage now, because if there weren't the slightest of possibility for long term success, I think I should rather just totally stay away and save her the risks - that's the rational thing to do (ignoring my feelings) - it is thus the opportune time to consider it, IMO. Or at least consider how I will handle these type of decisions better in the future (without causing all this distress). You have provided a good framework for this, thanks.

There are lots of problems that have to be worked out for long-distance relationships involving two different countries (including family concerns and where you will locate if you get together)
Once again, this excites me more than it scares me. My real fear is boredom I guess.

I think I will stop analysing this to death, as that is probably the root of all my problems in the first place. I will try my ENFP buddy's approach and give the reigns to her for a change, instead of trying to make decisions for other people. I'll just be honest with her about my intentions and emotions and if she wants to sacrifice her current relationship for the small chance of us getting together, that's a risk she has to consider. I'll be open for discussion and will be truthful in my replies and see where it goes. Worst that could happen is that I actually get a little more in touch with my feelings...
 

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Fedor, thanks for your input, but I probably should have realised that other INTP's would probably not give my the totally different perspective to which I was blind... But before I come to that, my view on marriage: the paperwork doesn't mean much to me as well, but I would like to be with someone who is devoted to me and visa versa. I've been in a 6 year relationship and I have experienced many benefits, which would be amplified when both people are committed for life. But that is another discussion.

After posting my first message I decided to speak to my ENFP buddy. It went something like this:
ENFP: "Well, just tell her how you feel..."
INTP: "But what possible purpose could there be in doing this? And how can I go ahead if I'm not even sure what the preferred outcome is I want to achieve..." {breaking out in cold sweat at the prospect of baring my feelings to her, to do with as she pleases}
ENFP: "The purpose is to find out what the preferred outcome is. When she replies, just see how you feel about what she is saying." {I feel my brain twist in my skull trying to imagine this perspective}
INTP: "But then I will lose control over the situation"
ENFP: "Exactly, didn't you just complain about the burden of always being in control?"
INTP: "Fuck"

So anyway, being a type 7, I'm going to try it tonight. It scares the shit out of me. What if I decide I like her :wink: , hahahaha! Off with you logic, here I come feels!! Anyway, will tell you guys what happened: although this is the kind of talk usually preceding unsuccessful ventures in my experience on forums (PerC is the first forum I'm active in). At least I won't feel guilty at the end of this...
Look, this is important. Getting married will neither make you or your partner more devoted.
Not being married actually proves you being devoted in a more honest way, because you're not bound by a contract.
You can be committed for life even if you don't get married! Why do people have such a hard time understanding that?
If you don't succeed doing that without a marriage, well then your marriage would still end up in divorce or you would just live unhappy!

And whoah whoah whoah WAIT A MINUTE.
Now you're even writing "what if i decide I like her" and you mentioned marriage a moment ago?
W--w-w-w- i don't even huaaaa. waaaa.
If you're not trolling you are fucking up BIG TIME.

Sure, if you feel you like this girl, go after her. But DON'T get married.
Of course you can if you want, even though I personally find it stupid. But then you should at least have been together with her for MANY YEARS first.
Please listen to this advice.I am really trying to help you.
 

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Look, this is important. Getting married will neither make you or your partner more devoted.
Not being married actually proves you being devoted in a more honest way, because you're not bound by a contract.
You can be committed for life even if you don't get married! Why do people have such a hard time understanding that?
If you don't succeed doing that without a marriage, well then your marriage would still end up in divorce or you would just live unhappy!

And whoah whoah whoah WAIT A MINUTE.
Now you're even writing "what if i decide I like her" and you mentioned marriage a moment ago?
W--w-w-w- i don't even huaaaa. waaaa.
If you're not trolling you are fucking up BIG TIME.

Sure, if you feel you like this girl, go after her. But DON'T get married.
Of course you can if you want, even though I personally find it stupid. But then you should at least have been together with her for MANY YEARS first.
Please listen to this advice.I am really trying to help you.
Ive been married 10 years bro, it has nothing to do with a contract.. My wife and I are both independently wealthy so money is of no concern in regards to keeping us together..

I think you are correct, a marriage is not defined by a piece of paper, but you are incorrect to think that marriage is somehow going to make the marriage less substantial..

10 years bro, I earned my stripes..
 

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Ive been married 10 years bro, it has nothing to do with a contract.. My wife and I are both independently wealthy so money is of no concern in regards to keeping us together..

I think you are correct, a marriage is not defined by a piece of paper, but you are incorrect to think that marriage is somehow going to make the marriage less substantial..

10 years bro, I earned my stripes..
I didn't say it makes it less substantial, just that it's completely unnecessary.
Would you go out in the fucking woods and do a ritual called Angrolbedom Vinzidum and dance a dance around trees to make sure the trees and leaves blesses you and your wife and approves you staying together forever?
No?
And why wouldn't you do that?
Because it's retarded, that's why.
 
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