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What do people think of this phenomenon? Does it excite or depress you? Could you live with this situation if your partner asked it of you, or would you consider it a deal breaker? Thank you.
Can't afford to explain it but I'm seeing a progressive change in my region, mutating relationships into invasive ones if you compare it to what things use to be. A lot of marriage styles nowadays lead to depersonalization, a form of loosing identity. The social pressure on that style makes more people to think "that's the right thing", we are living the codependent days.

Still, living apart doesn't appeal me.

I've read about it, found more examples and trends on writings about Europe, couples living apart, some living together *at times* but mostly having their own life, not the usual couple. A writing on this about Spain said most of the triggers they found were economical because a lot of people couldn't now afford a flat, house or apartment and many went back to their parents houses.

What do I think? besides the invasive style of nowadays relationship, it's not easy for me to stop guessing it could also be related to "don't tell me what to do" or just "don't see my life, so you can't tell me shit". Living apart allows people to have more time to keep their masks, you go out and see only the "best"... supposedly. Living together exposes people defects we all know this. But in my case what I mean is, in my experience... it exposes women style of living on constant naps, not doing anything, being lazy or what I consider lazy. Keep in mind I'm not generalizing just saying a lot of cases I've seen match this, in my region, in THIS generation.
 

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What do people think of this phenomenon? Does it excite or depress you? Could you live with this situation if your partner asked it of you, or would you consider it a deal breaker? Thank you.

References:
The key to our successful marriage: Separate houses - Salon.com
Divide and Conquer: Married Couples Living Apart
I'm not sure I would really count the first article as an example of living apart. They weren't just living apart, they had a completely open marriage. That's a very different kettle of fish.

Living apart is the only way I would even consider committing to another long-term relationship. Separate houses, separate lives, see each other when it suits, rather than when we're forced to - that's my idea of happily ever after. I would consider living in the same house if we had our own separate wings.
 

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This matter is really complex
Living apart is the only way I would even consider committing to another long-term relationship.
Your wording gives me the idea something changed your mind and this was not your original idea. Some experiences change us. }

Haven't been married but had a relationship with a widow (with a kid) and my two exGF and me shared more about life on my house than any other relationship. The previous was fine, other problems made us break up BUT my last relationship surely made me wonder if I want someone at home with {abcdef...} the thing is, those traits, incompatibilities, issues or whatever we want to call them are an exception (it was about HER and her only, no match with any other GF) but still stays as a huge footprint of things I don't EVER want to face, and the risk of trying and later facing the "please go away, leave this house".


I couldn't read the two articles (fully) right now, read a bit of both. For many, the reasons seem to go on the economical angle, for others about life and other things found along the way.


Related to the thread and articles but don't know how to draw the lines that take me there: there is a saying "small town, big hell". In the past huge cities were a rare thing, it was EASY to know who was the slut, whore, man-whore, etc. Who had an abortion, who had children spread on other towns, etc. There was no phone, no cell phones, no internet, etc. Compared to these days? it was difficult to keep secrets, ironic right? now with internet, email, chats, whatsapp and facebook it seems more people find it easier to keep hidden secrets... a lot of relationships end due to things we discovered on the way, but were kept from us.
 

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Your wording gives me the idea something changed your mind and this was not your original idea. Some experiences change us.
Yes, our past relationships shape our future choices. They also help us to learn what we do and don't want in a partner - or if we even want a partner at all.

I'm divorced. I never actually wanted to be married; however, I wasn't self-aware enough at the time to realize it. I hadn't yet realized that romantic relationships are optional and that I could choose to remain single forever. I fell into the trap of "well that's just what you do."

I've tried the relationship thing a few times and it's just not for me. I may change my mind in the future. If I do decide to try again, I think the only way I could survive a romantic relationship without destroying my mental health is to live separately. Living with another person day in and day out is too chaotic and stressful for me.
Heck, living with my cats is too chaotic and stressful for me some days! :tongue:
 

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Being married to my husband, knowing him for almost a decade and living with him since some 4 years ago, I still prefer to live with him and wouldn't want to be apart. We are both introverts with our own solitary times, and I do have a need for my own space and time, but we still enjoy our lives together under the same roof. Of course we have our differences and things that might annoy each other, we also argue sometimes when we have different ideas, but we try to work things out and we are generally tolerant anyways (no one is too bothered with each other's unpretty habits :p).

Besides, he is my companion with whom I share my life's best and worst bits, and I enjoy our talks and being able to talk to each other any time. A hug when needed. And so on.


In the end, this is all about personal choices, and I'm all for couples defining their own ways of relationship instead of just following the traditional. Because only that way a relationship can truly flourish and not limited to a boring set of rules defined by some people.
 

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Makes sense to me. Relationships are almost always better in moderation. I would do it for space, as well as the preservation of novelty regarding the other partner. I could see that it might not work for more traditional people. But I also think that a significant portion of our generation will put less emphasis on settling down (for several reasons). We don't need to live together anymore to delegate tasks of everyday living -- everything is automated, and things will only become more automated in the near future. We're less committed in general, and ideals like love and intimacy are being reconfigured.

If we all had our own domiciles and lifestyles, instead of sharing them, we would feel less inclined to influence or control our partner to make a shared space or lifestyle a series of compromises. I think a lot of people would find the idea strange, because eventual cohabitation and establishment as part of a partnership and family is so ingrained. I think that's what most people are working toward because they can't seem to believe life is ultimately about anything else.
 

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My instinct is to say that this is not something I would want to do, but maybe it's one of those things that starts looking really attractive after 10-20 years of marriage.
 
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Maybe for some couples this makes sense for one reason or another (and I've actually known/read of a few couples who are happy with this before seeing this thread).

It's not really for me. I would have trouble with LDRs, I need my SO to be physically accessible to both enjoy it and to remain invested. I *do* need space/time to myself, probably more than most others I know; but at the same time, I want to be around someone I love. The interaction and proximity is part of the relationship I like. And I would like to sleep together (like, not just sexually, but actually share space while sleeping).
 

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I've done this before. I didn't like it, but I did it for the sake of the relationship and because I was loyal and loved my partners. It happened because we were in different countries and that can make things tough. We spent a lot of time on airplanes, to say the least.

Being both an aspie and an INTP, I can say that I really enjoy my alone time, but I do like my partner to be within close physical proximity to me. We don't have to be engaged in the same activity, but it's always nice to feel their presence. I even used to share an office with a significant other of mine. We did our own things and didn't intrude upon or interrupt one another, but it exuded a sense of security to know that she was there if I needed her.

I also like to have someone in bed with me when I sleep. Right now that space is currently occupied by my cats and not a person, but I work with what I have.
 

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When children are involved... seems impossible to me. A family with kids takes a lot of effort, very difficult to picture this scenario with kids: time, dedication, there are so many things to do, team work is valuable there, besides it's complicated to have only ONE influence on the children, takes two, balance. But it goes beyond teamwork and kids, mental health and education is the key because some families do have a better life when they split. This gets complicated with several variations, reasons, etc. Some people just can't do it, can't help.

The funny thing about financial stuff (I mentioned it based on articles and research I found like 2 years ago, specially about Spain) well, that ironic thing is how many are unable to pay a house or apartment so they go back to their parent houses (that's the trend the article explained) BUT makes little sense to me. The thing is, living together helps (or should help) lowering expenses, joining forces supposed to help. The sad true is most couples can't do it and are a complete financial mess from start, alone, not to mention together.
 

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I mean, I could understand if it was a temporary arrangement due to assumed financial issues. But... if it had to take up the majority of the relationship... I don't think I could make it last. I've spent time alone over a duration of 3 months one time (for reasons I won't disclose) and man, I got so depressed and lost in dark thoughts. So, I know this type of living arrangement isn't for me.
 

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Assuming I'm in such a position it depends on the reason actually. If it was due to financial or something similar then yes, wouldn't be a problem.

If my wife wants some alone time, then sure, I'll let her go wherever she wants to having her to remember that she has a home to return to.

If she's just too uncomfortable to live with me or starting to lose that love then I'll just go with whatever she wants.

Though no matter what happens, I think I'll be depressed the minute we're having this 'living separately' talk but still, whatever that makes the other person happy right? :wink:
 

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Complete deal breaker to me. The entire point of marriage is through thick and thin your are THERE for the other person. That means physically as well as other ways. Brief periods apart are understandable. Extended periods apart are to me a tacit request to end the relationship in terms of significant otherness. You can still be more than friends and all, but it implies each party will be able to seek another.
 
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