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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi there, this seems to be the right place for me to ask this question. I'm new here and read through most of the thread (LONG READ!!!) and found it to be very helpful in a lot of ways. Thanks to all that contributed to it.

Now, here is my situation... I have been married to my husband (an ISTJ) for 14 years, we have 3 beautiful children. We have been married to each other twice and separated 3 times.

I have Bipolar, borderline, Anxiety, PTSD and severe depressive episodes. The anxiety is triggered by PTSD that he caused when he abandoned me in 2008. Which he chose as "the only way he saw to get away" from what he saw as my abusive treatment. The abusive treatment consists of no diagnosis of my issues until 2005 during which time I was less than stellar as a partner which resulted in me cheating in a manner (husband refused to allow me to be dominant in any aspect of the relationship and told me to go do that elsewhere, so I did - no sex was involved). During the fall of '07 thru spring of '08 he emotionally abandoned me and physically isolated/imprisoned me by removing my internet after moving me 700 miles away from my family when my father was in end stage heart failure. He cut me off the day my father had surgery to try and prolong his life and did not let me know he was doing this. He put our kids with a caregiver that was passively sexually abusing them and dealing crack out of their home because he claimed I was incapable of caring for them. My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer within a week of my fathers surgery. I had a good deal of anxiety just from that factor alone. But then his friends hooked him up with a woman in TX and they planned for him and my daughters to move down there and he served me with divorce papers within 2 weeks of my fathers death. But continued to have sex with me and as a result i got pregnant again, then miscarried for the 8th time within weeks of my mothers death. I was suicidal and inpatient then. That was the first time I had been treated properly for any of my diagnoses. He acted to me like he was back "IN" the relationship and we talked about moving back home. We had decided to do that when my mother died, and finalized the plans shortly after. All the while he was making this plan with the other woman and lying to me about what was going on. he put me on a bus to go get everything set up at the new place so he could finish loading the truck and get us moved. I sat on the porch of the house waiting for him to get there. He never did, he dumped all of my things at my dead parents home and drove to TX. So... PTSD as a result of abandonment and his behavior leading up to it. A week later I found I was pregnant again with our 4 year old and he decided he wanted to reconcile. I didn’t want to but I let him when he was able to own his mistakes, admit he was wrong and apologize to me and our kids. We remarried on our anniversary that year.

Things were wonderful for 5 years. Then I made a spiritual commitment that he viewed as a betrayal of our marriage vows (I don’t understand how, but I do understand that it his view and it was hurtful to him). That was in June. I have now spent the last 6 months meeting every demand he has had of me, upped my own therapy, got HIM into therapy and got US into marriage counseling. And all he can seem to communicate to me is that these things are what withdrawals from the “love bank”:
  • Periodic marathon BitchGripeMoanComplain
  • Frequently has some desperate need requiring everything to be dropped at a moment's notice
  • Lives in "emergency status"; seems to rarely be a stable, okay moment.
  • Freely shares tragedies in public places.
  • Everything seems to be a burden, everything appears to be asking too much.
  • Consistently "forgets" obvious, simple tasks, like picking up laundry from floor that is being stepped upon.
  • Seems to not care enough to take care of surroundings.
  • Appears to spend most of time ignoring surroundings for internet, Facebook, etc.
  • Appears to demand tasks be completed, but rarely walks the walk.
  • Contributes significantly to the list of tasks to be completed, appears to help rarely.
  • Took a long time to understand the need to maintain employment as more important than staying out late on Sundays.
  • Berated me for needing time on Sundays to get school work completed for the week.
  • Appeared to not notice for 5 weeks that I had stopped communicating.
  • Seems to always be prevented from doing something by something/someone else.
  • Insists that marriage has a different definition/meaning if the word "person" is changed.
  • Blames lack of transparency concerning wedding on parameters of my job.
  • Repeatedly seeks the praise, admiration of something but not the responsibility.
  • Has insisted on own opinion being the only important perspective; will interrupt and over-talk to insist upon
  • Has insisted upon others knowing things that aren't communicated.
  • Appears to make "rules" for the relationship, then doesn't follow them.

Without being able to give me ANYTHING that I have done to contribute and in fact has told others that I have “done zero in 14 years”, 'Others' being one of his female former students who he has told how beautiful she is and how he wishes he could make her happy and that she pushes his buttons – all of which trigger my PTSD/Anxiety and he appears to have no regard for it and lies to me about how much contact he has with her.

I am busting my butt here trying to learn how to improve communication with him because he swears he doesn’t understand me and that I do not understand him. Yet, I have actually bothered TRYING to understand him and He has not. He is exceedingly quick to blame my disorders without considering that those things impact how I react to him. They only apply if they make him the winner of the argument. How can I help him understand me? He wont even consider my view on anything since it directly opposes his self validation that he is right all of the time no matter what.

Help, I am trying but it just really feels like I have wasted 15 years only to be crapped on and told I’m worth nothing
 

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Please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Please get a therapist and a divorce lawyer. Please start taking care of yourself and of your children by getting all of you away from a psychopath. Please figure out why you don't consider yourself worthy of a life free of abuse. Please call a trusted family member or friend NOW, and accept their honest input.
 

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He is clearly an unhealthy istj and person to be exact.

Are you financially independent or must rely on him. What is this "spiritual" commitment you speak of?

Speaking as an istj that's nearing rock bottom I can understand why he may be so selfish. After dealing with somebody for so long and no changes have been met then I can be pretty fed up and leave the relationship or responsibilities.

Of course this is not your fault. You have said everything you wanted and even going as far as seeing a counselor.

After you emotional infidelity perhaps he doesn't quite trust you anymore which is why he has/will be unfaithful to you.

He may only be staying due to the children's sake. The fact that a younger girl is interested in him Def doesn't help.

You should get a safety net just incase he divorces you. The relationship is unhealthy. Have you tried talkimg tonyour 14 yr old to see their perspective?

He is cold, indifferent and selfish. He will care for his children/ family, but not you or your own family.
 

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He is clearly an unhealthy istj and person to be exact.

Are you financially independent or must rely on him. What is this "spiritual" commitment you speak of?

Speaking as an istj that's nearing rock bottom I can understand why he may be so selfish. After dealing with somebody for so long and no changes have been met then I can be pretty fed up and leave the relationship or responsibilities.

Of course this is not your fault. You have said everything you wanted and even going as far as seeing a counselor.

After you emotional infidelity perhaps he doesn't quite trust you anymore which is why he has/will be unfaithful to you.

He may only be staying due to the children's sake. The fact that a younger girl is interested in him Def doesn't help.

You should get a safety net just incase he divorces you. The relationship is unhealthy. Have you tried talkimg tonyour 14 yr old to see their perspective?

He is cold, indifferent and selfish. He will care for his children/ family, but not you or your own family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
He is clearly an unhealthy istj and person to be exact.
well, yes but he does not see that at all.

Are you financially independent or must rely on him.
I'm disabled, thus, dependent on him

What is this "spiritual" commitment you speak of?
I made an oath of devotion to my Primary Deity.

Speaking as an istj that's nearing rock bottom I can understand why he may be so selfish. After dealing with somebody for so long and no changes have been met then I can be pretty fed up and leave the relationship or responsibilities.
but that is the flaw. I have made changes. A TON of them, 5+ years worth of changes and he never uttered a peep until i mad the oath of devotion - which had NO bearing on him or any part of our marriage.
Of course this is not your fault. You have said everything you wanted and even going as far as seeing a counselor.
yes, i have been very clear.

After you emotional infidelity perhaps he doesn't quite trust you anymore which is why he has/will be unfaithful to you.
Well I could see that if I had not simply been doign what he told me to do within the parameters he gave me but i did only what he said was ok.

He may only be staying due to the children's sake. The fact that a younger girl is interested in him Def doesn't help.
I keep asking him if he wants out. If my "brokeness" is simply more than he can or is willing to deal with, he says no then complains about it.

You should get a safety net just incase he divorces you.
Yeah, in the process....

The relationship is unhealthy.
yeah, And I am doign what i can to at least become a healthier person.

Have you tried talkimg tonyour 14 yr old to see their perspective?
yes, she agrees that what he is doign is not ok.

He is cold, indifferent and selfish. He will care for his children/ family, but not you or your own family.
he is the only family i have.... I'm fuct
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Both of you need to get (continue) professional counseling. Your needs are far beyond the scope of this board.
oh that i totally agree with, but my focus at this board is to learn how to communicate better as a tool to use to help the rest of the processes...

Thank you
 

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oh that i totally agree with, but my focus at this board is to learn how to communicate better as a tool to use to help the rest of the processes...

Thank you
As much as I would like to help, based on what you have shared, there is little I could contribute. I would suggest posing this question to your counselor.
 

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I have to agree with the above. You have done and said everything you possibly can and yet he remains stubborn and aloof.

You guys are going to counseling and it seems that you are not very confrontational with your questions.

ISTJs usually hold their problems in and deal with it themselves. During that time period they can be quite...off, but they solved the problem themselves they will feel better. At least that's true for me.

Perhaps he is going through something that he is npt willing to share?

Perhaps he was tired of dealing with your moodiness before you were officially diagnosed. Even then with your diagnosis he probably is unsympathetic. To me such diagnosis don't mean anything and are just excuses.

Who knows perhaps he was just testing you to see how far you would go in your emotional infidelity? While he may have allowed it, perhaps he was secretly wishing you won't go through with it.

To me, he seems to be at a cross roads. To ke he's asking himself "should I stay with her and be miserable for the sake of our children? Or should I let go...?"

I think he resents you, but still cares enough to stay, for now. He understands you are disabled and cares enough to not put you on the way side, but he is not happy about it.

For now just let him enjoy his alone time when he's surfing the net or what ever. If he wants to be alone let him. Talking to him, especially about something stressful will only make things worse
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
As much as I would like to help, based on what you have shared, there is little I could contribute. I would suggest posing this question to your counselor.
Yes, I am doing that when we see her on wednesday thank you
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I have to agree with the above. You have done and said everything you possibly can and yet he remains stubborn and aloof.

You guys are going to counseling and it seems that you are not very confrontational with your questions.
Actually, Quite the opposite, I'm extremely confrontational and at that shut down occurs.


ISTJs usually hold their problems in and deal with it themselves. During that time period they can be quite...off, but they solved the problem themselves they will feel better. At least that's true for me.

Perhaps he is going through something that he is npt willing to share?
Entirely possible as well.


Perhaps he was tired of dealing with your moodiness before you were officially diagnosed. Even then with your diagnosis he probably is unsympathetic. To me such diagnosis don't mean anything and are just excuses.
Sorry but REALLY? A chemical (Bipolar is a chemical issue after all) issue that can be tested for and diagnosed is just an excuse?

Who knows perhaps he was just testing you to see how far you would go in your emotional infidelity? While he may have allowed it, perhaps he was secretly wishing you won't go through with it.
And there was *NO* emotional infidelity since we remarried. The emotional infidelity was in 2004 - 4 years prior to our divorce and 5 years prior to our REmarriage.

To me, he seems to be at a cross roads. To ke he's asking himself "should I stay with her and be miserable for the sake of our children? Or should I let go...?"
But he has been very clear that he was far more miserable without me.


I think he resents you, but still cares enough to stay, for now. He understands you are disabled and cares enough to not put you on the way side, but he is not happy about it.
I don't think he does. If he did he would look at his own research and know that I'm not faking my pain (I have arthritis and fibro in addition to the mental health issues)


For now just let him enjoy his alone time when he's surfing the net or what ever. If he wants to be alone let him. Talking to him, especially about something stressful will only make things worse[/QUOTE]
 
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