Personality Cafe banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
::WARNING! LONG POST, NEED ADVICE!::

Hello forum, particularly you ISFPs. Allow me to introduce myself:
I am an INTJ, aka scientist.

So here's my deal...
There's this guy (oh how original an opening) whom I've known for a number of months as a friend. He was dating a certain girl when I first met him, this is a drama within itself that I shall for the moment pass over, but as circumstance would have it they broke up. After a few weeks, I begin to notice a peculiar way that he begins looking at me. I tell myself it's probably just in my own head.
A bit of background is necessary here; I am eighteen and I have never dated anyone in my life. I'm not an ugly hag or a b!tch, just a reserved person who never saw a practical reason to open up and "advertise" my availability. As he is part of the writers club I attend, this guy knows my position. He is 23, quiet, and Christian.

It takes me about another month to finally get the point: He's giving me THE look. Long story short, he begins to hang out with me on an exclusive level and asks me to see a movie one day. I accept, put on a cute hat, and am as personable as possible. He's no model for sure, but I've always thought that decisions based on looks were shallow.
After we see each other a few more times, I can't shake this sinking feeling. Something about this whole thing doesn't smell right to me, but this guy seems to be on freaking cloud nine. What's a girl supposed to do? I spend a night tossing in my bed unable to stop deliberating the issue even though it's been on my mind all day, and the next morning I start doing some concrete reading. I figure out his MB type from what I know of him (you guessed it, he's an ISFP) and work out exactly what needs to be said.
this is a week after our first get-together. He's been very cordial the entire time, not attempting to touch me in any way aside from hugging me hello and goodbye (at which times I cannot stop being rather stiff. The hugging thing is a writers club tradition for us that I've never quite warmed to)
Here are our differences:
He likes all kinds of music, including classical.
Classical bores the hell out of me. I like rock mainly.
The dreams he has usually revolve around peace.
My dreams are centered around problem solving and chaotic situations.
He is thin, pasty and not typically active.
I'm a devoted karate-ka, often visit the gym, considered being a marine and trained for it, etc.

I really don't like the idea of dating a guy who I'm afraid of breaking.

So the next time he comes to pick me up, I directly address him in the car, saying:
"Remember how you were talking to me about initial feelings being importaint? Well,"
(and here I tell a lie. I have trouble noticing my feelings, I only think and reason things.)
"since we've been hanging out, there's been this shadow that I cannot shake. After thinking about it for a while, well... You’re the kind of person who seeks peace, right? And you love harmony.
But I'm restless by nature and live off of competition. I guess I'm concerned that we may clash later on-"
At which point he looks like he wants to say something so I stop.
He tells me that he's thought the same thing, yet this is almost the change he's specifically looking for. He wants more drive toward routine in his life, and someone to compete with to inspire himself.

So, for his sake and by his decision, I'm letting this play out.
Again, he seems really happy with me. He likes talking with me because I'm open and contemplative, he's complimented my looks sincerely more than once, and even said once that looking into my eyes made him feel "cozy".
Fluff talk, if you ask me. But it seems to mean a lot to him, so I won't be condescending.

So, this is a very long thread and I'm sorry. But I want to know, am I doing the right thing by giving this guy a chance? Or, am I just getting his hopes up as he sets himself for failure?
His entire life peace has been a pinnacle goal. When we swap childhood stories he often describes his childhood self eventually giving up and crying while I give impish tales of mischief. We've been different for a long time.
And classical music still bores the HELL out of me. He likes rock too, fortunately.
I know he will be faithful and kind to me; it's who he is. But I'm afraid that I will somehow hurt him down the road. I need someone who enjoys open debate rather than shies from it.
Am I making a mistake? Is he?
I want to help him, but I don't know how this whole dating game is supposed to play out.
(Sorry if this was too much drama)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Here is a simple way to answer your questions. Are you happy with the decisions youve made? If the answer is no. Then tell him goodbye and go about your business.

From the way youre describing it. It sounds like you are just giving him a relationship to make him feel at ease. There was very little mention of your actual feelings and when there was it always seemed to sound alittle negative. Looks are somewhat shallow but you have to realize most people need physical attraction to some level. Describing him as thin and pasty gives me the impression that you arent pleased with his appearance.

The more I dwell on your post, the more I believe you are actually hurting the guy more than you are helping him. You may not be meaning to do it but it definitely sounds as if you are leading him along just because you see the happiness it brings him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
751 Posts
Don't hold onto him for his sake alone if it's not something you're interested in pursuing. If you're not genuinely interested, both of you will only end up getting hurt and it might happen later than sooner.

If you're truly interested, you need to get over the superficial aspects of the relationship like the differences in music taste. While you may not like classical music, think of it in a different way. Usually it's intelligent and contemplative people who are interested in it, and that sounds like the type of person you're looking for, is it not? You had different childhoods, but who really cares? Sure, it shapes us into the adults we are today but it's only the foundation and there's always room to change if we wants to.

If he really is an ISFP, his "fluff talk" is probably the truth and also difficult for him to say, so he must mean it. Like I said above, it comes down to you and what you truly want.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
640 Posts
I agree with the other posts. You should not be concerned about what's in it for him. Instead, you need to decide if he makes you happy. Do the pros outweigh the cons?

And I wouldn't be too worried about hurting him if you decide to leave. It may be very painful for him at first, but I find that I move on pretty quickly after a break up. ISFPs live in the moment, not the past.

If you are having trouble deciding, it might help to take a little break from him. Take some time off and go somewhere to clear your head. If you find you forget about him while you're gone, he probably isn't the right guy for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Hm... I guess I need to remember that I'm talking to Fs here, which means you may not be as aware of... well... I usually don't feel anything. That's not just hype talk, I'm serious. I don't know how I feel about this guy, and my type is rather cynical by default.

@Buck
I don't know if I'm happy. I'm not sure how to tell for sure.... I do know about things making sense. If it's logical to move on... that's what I need to know. I don't want to hurt him though... he certainly does not deserve it. He does, however, deserve to make his own decisions. I'll try to have another talk with him.

@Mini
I pointed out these differences because, while being different is good, being on seperate planes of thought is not. He and I have good conversation, I really struggled between T and F with him, but in reality he probably does not truely yet understand who he's dealing with.

@Ride
Wow, I've been "going out" with him for a week and you're already telling me to take a break? Did you miss the part where I said I've never dated before? I've had plenty of time to figure out who I am and what I want to make of my life. But I do appreciate the comment about him living in the present and that he will get over whatever ensues; this gives me more confidence to be upfront. I'll save the blunt speech though, even I can tell what's unfair, lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Hm... I guess I need to remember that I'm talking to Fs here, which means you may not be as aware of... well... I usually don't feel anything. That's not just hype talk, I'm serious. I don't know how I feel about this guy, and my type is rather cynical by default.

@Buck
I don't know if I'm happy. I'm not sure how to tell for sure.... I do know about things making sense. If it's logical to move on... that's what I need to know. I don't want to hurt him though... he certainly does not deserve it. He does, however, deserve to make his own decisions. I'll try to have another talk with him.
Im not sure relationships such as this are supposed to be logical. These sort of relationships are based on feelings. If you dont enjoy speaking with him and being with him then there is no point in being with him. Granted being happy is a personal experience and you should never rely on another person to make you happiness. That person can HELP make you happy.

When Im with my girlfriend I tend to forget about everything else in the world. Thats how I know she is right for me at this day and time. I just wouldnt try to make an intimate relationship too logical...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Ok, as closure, I send him this via facebook:

I usually don’t have this much trouble writing something. So far I’ve procrastinated and written random things on this blank space that went nowhere but I’ll have to talk one way or another.
Don’t worry, this isn’t really a bad thing. Just difficult to express.
Remember in the car when I mentioned a doubt that I had been having? Then my saying that your response made me feel better? Well, I really thought it did at the time. Reading myself isn’t my best skill, as you know.
So the reason I’m sending this to you as a message rather than talking to you in person is that I feel awkward when talking for extended periods without “relinquishing the torch” so to speak. I hate to think that I’m dominating a conversation. That’s why this seemed to be the best way to say what needs to be addressed without going quiet halfway though.
There’s more to the differences in temperament between us that continues to concern me. I won’t go over it because I’ll just sound like I’m a whiny little snot for what hasn’t even yet arisen. Truth is, it just won’t leave me alone. When I think of you, I want to smile but instead I grimace with uncertainty. It’s not that I’m afraid of having a relationship in general, and it’s not you, it’s just that I know myself and I don’t want to wind up turning a relationship into a project where I’m trying to “fix” things that aren’t necessarily broken. It’s just not my place.
You are one of the kindest guys I know, who is genuine and giving of himself as only most people can pretend to be. I admire you for your sincerity and, all this time, the last thing I’ve wanted to do was hurt you. I don’t really know how this works, but being straightforward is all I know. I know you’re happy, and I hate to take that from you. I really do. Yet I just can’t get my heart in it.

Having gone to my sister for council based on her experience, she worded it this way:
He’s a beautiful person, and you don’t feel like you want to change him. If he’s trying to adopt a certain lifestyle, he’ll be met with most success if he does so on his own. Trying to do so though someone else will create strain between them.

You are a good friend, sharing conversation with you is enjoyable. As your friend, I will gladly be there for you.

-Sincerely, Kim

Fingers crossed he takes it in stride
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Ok, as closure, I send him this via facebook:

I usually don’t have this much trouble writing something. So far I’ve procrastinated and written random things on this blank space that went nowhere but I’ll have to talk one way or another.
Don’t worry, this isn’t really a bad thing. Just difficult to express.
Remember in the car when I mentioned a doubt that I had been having? Then my saying that your response made me feel better? Well, I really thought it did at the time. Reading myself isn’t my best skill, as you know.
So the reason I’m sending this to you as a message rather than talking to you in person is that I feel awkward when talking for extended periods without “relinquishing the torch” so to speak. I hate to think that I’m dominating a conversation. That’s why this seemed to be the best way to say what needs to be addressed without going quiet halfway though.
There’s more to the differences in temperament between us that continues to concern me. I won’t go over it because I’ll just sound like I’m a whiny little snot for what hasn’t even yet arisen. Truth is, it just won’t leave me alone. When I think of you, I want to smile but instead I grimace with uncertainty. It’s not that I’m afraid of having a relationship in general, and it’s not you, it’s just that I know myself and I don’t want to wind up turning a relationship into a project where I’m trying to “fix” things that aren’t necessarily broken. It’s just not my place.
You are one of the kindest guys I know, who is genuine and giving of himself as only most people can pretend to be. I admire you for your sincerity and, all this time, the last thing I’ve wanted to do was hurt you. I don’t really know how this works, but being straightforward is all I know. I know you’re happy, and I hate to take that from you. I really do. Yet I just can’t get my heart in it.

Having gone to my sister for council based on her experience, she worded it this way:
He’s a beautiful person, and you don’t feel like you want to change him. If he’s trying to adopt a certain lifestyle, he’ll be met with most success if he does so on his own. Trying to do so though someone else will create strain between them.

You are a good friend, sharing conversation with you is enjoyable. As your friend, I will gladly be there for you.

-Sincerely, Kim

Fingers crossed he takes it in stride

Sounds good to me :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
640 Posts
Ok, as closure, I send him this via facebook:

I usually don’t have this much trouble writing something. So far I’ve procrastinated and written random things on this blank space that went nowhere but I’ll have to talk one way or another.
Don’t worry, this isn’t really a bad thing. Just difficult to express.
Remember in the car when I mentioned a doubt that I had been having? Then my saying that your response made me feel better? Well, I really thought it did at the time. Reading myself isn’t my best skill, as you know.
So the reason I’m sending this to you as a message rather than talking to you in person is that I feel awkward when talking for extended periods without “relinquishing the torch” so to speak. I hate to think that I’m dominating a conversation. That’s why this seemed to be the best way to say what needs to be addressed without going quiet halfway though.
There’s more to the differences in temperament between us that continues to concern me. I won’t go over it because I’ll just sound like I’m a whiny little snot for what hasn’t even yet arisen. Truth is, it just won’t leave me alone. When I think of you, I want to smile but instead I grimace with uncertainty. It’s not that I’m afraid of having a relationship in general, and it’s not you, it’s just that I know myself and I don’t want to wind up turning a relationship into a project where I’m trying to “fix” things that aren’t necessarily broken. It’s just not my place.
You are one of the kindest guys I know, who is genuine and giving of himself as only most people can pretend to be. I admire you for your sincerity and, all this time, the last thing I’ve wanted to do was hurt you. I don’t really know how this works, but being straightforward is all I know. I know you’re happy, and I hate to take that from you. I really do. Yet I just can’t get my heart in it.

Having gone to my sister for council based on her experience, she worded it this way:
He’s a beautiful person, and you don’t feel like you want to change him. If he’s trying to adopt a certain lifestyle, he’ll be met with most success if he does so on his own. Trying to do so though someone else will create strain between them.

You are a good friend, sharing conversation with you is enjoyable. As your friend, I will gladly be there for you.

-Sincerely, Kim

Fingers crossed he takes it in stride
Very well put, I like how you emphasized his strengths and what you appreciated about him. You worded it perfectly for an ISFP:happy:
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top