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I'm very much an INFJ that relies heavily on Ti. During my last relationship with an ISFP, I learned to let my Fe go when socializing. Now, since the relationship ended, I find myself wanting to be more social and date.

Given the following conditions, I need some ideas on how to proceed with being more social and meeting new people...

1) I live in the country. There's 1 city that is an hour drive away. The 2 clubs there aren't so great, but there are young people in them. I'm 26.

2) I have nearby friends, but from ages of let's say 18 to 24, I wasn't that social. As a consequence, my friends learned that I require a certain level of distance and will maintain that even if I no longer want them to. They're also busy people with lives, and not the best matches for me socially. Basically, I got 2 friends nearby, and they're women that are in long term relationships. The third friend is a partner of the one woman, which is sort of mandatory, since I am friends with her. That way it doesn't feel odd for him if we go and hang out. I'm not certain any of my friends would go to bars/clubs with me, to pick up women. One might... but it seems so unlike me to ask her to do that. Out of character for my old self, I would say.

3) I have 1 friend downstate that is like a best friend. I can go down and party with him, but yeah, it's like a 3 hour drive, so these parties have to be rare. He likes hosting parties and inviting single women to them, but the best that would achieve is a one-night stand for me.

4) I tried okCupid and it made me realize how terrible online dating is. Women will never respond unless you fake yourself to appear like some cliche "cool" male. Well, maybe they never respond, I don't know. I think online dating is just a bad idea anyway because there's not much selection around here to begin with. In a city, I could see it working.

So yeah... my last relationship, I just met her randomly at a family event. I'm bad at this stuff, I need some help. I guess I just alienated myself from the social loops that people form in their late teens and early twenties. I can't socialize in large crowds, I need just a few people to interact with or it is overwhelming.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
I'm almost thinking I want to move downstate near my other friend but like, that wouldn't work out in the long run. It'd be great for a social life, but no so much for family life and I'd lose my other friends.
 

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Unfortunately it seems you are sort of 'stuck'

A similar situation to what I have been involved in the past

The distance between yourself and better prospects is a bit challenging, but one of the few possible resolutions I have is to invite your friend who likes to party to your place?

Perhaps take him clubbing? If he is as sociable as you make him to be, then there is a likelihood that if the two of you go club-hopping, he may be the extrovertedness you need to catch attention

And if that doesn't work, at the very least you could possibly learn from him?

Added notes: Finding an introverted girl is similar to a jackpot

Because you live away from the hubbub, if I am not mistaken?
 

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It's not a bad idea. He comes up my way to see his other friends in the area, occasionally. He just visited a couple months back and I missed it, but I was still with my ex then. It's a good idea for the future, thanks!
 

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What I do is try to keep to large cities and I especially like living near university campuses. I think there is more choice that way of different people to meet and more choice of activities. For example the city where I live now there is even an INFJ meetup group (Meetup.com). Craigslist is another place where you can look for groups to join or dates, depending on where you live. People also look there for activity partners, instead of dates, to bike or play tennis together and stuff like that. When dating there is also that less intimidating platonic section where people look for just friends. But even if you meet someone as a friend you never know where it might develop :p

OKCupid ... I posted a profile there and it got flooded with messages. I simply did not have time to respond to everyone and after a few weeks trying to keep up with the communication I had to erase the profile. Probably happens to all other girls there so this is why you aren't getting many responses. My advice - try the profiles without pictures and be persistent. And ENTP I knew got like 15 dates out of it by sending original, witty messages and being a bit more persistent than other guys. And the dude is 5'5, 30 pounds overweight, and not a looker at all. Profiles without pics get less messages, so you are more likely to catch the girl's attention. Profiles with cute photos is what all of you guys react to, and as a result these get flooded. Also the pic-less profiles are more likely to be profiles of your fellow intuitive introverted girls.
 

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Yeah, I didn't consider spamming, and manipulating the situation like an ENTP might. LOL, my best friend downstate is an ENTP and he is a talker to the women. Me, I reveal my Fe side after using a bit of wit, and for 99% of women I have met, I think this is a turnoff.

N+T to achieve wit does seem to get girls interested me at first; just I can't sustain it like an ENTP does. My ENTP friend is full of it too, and I saw through it the first day I met him. He knows I see through it too, which is why we can be such good friends. But you know, he may be full of it, but so few people actually pick up on that, that it's a very successful strategy for him socially.
 

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Oh, just another problem I have on OkCupid. Is I look at the girl's profile and try to type them. I know what kind of types I am after. Most all of them are not my type. There are a lot of extroverted sensing types on there, and a lot of introverted sensing types. The only S type I am looking for is an ISFJ, because I find them to be fantastic, once you get to the inner core of one, which can take years.

So I rule out most women before I even send them a message. Maybe this is a bad idea? I mean, yeah, a relationship wouldn't work between us in the long term, most likely, but that shouldn't mean I avoid going on a date with them.

I really don't know... and I have to find a girl attractive to bother. I'm not fat and I'm 6 ft tall. Once I shave and get a hair-cut, put some good clothes on, I'm actually a looker for the right type of woman. So going after the ugly girls just doesn't work for me because of attraction issues.

Sending to profiles without pictures is a good idea, though, thanks!
 

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lol yeah ENTPs can be that way - i find it entertaining in a good way in most cases ... it does attract plenty of girls to them
as for using wit, any semi-intelligent girl should be attracted to it but you see problem is sometimes that our intuition shows us connections that other people do not see ... so then you say something that you think is witty or very interesting and they just give you that "weirdo" stare ... this problem occurs between me and other intuition dominant people at times even ... so if you are trying to be witty and find that 99% of population does get you make sure your jokes are more on the 'earthy' level ... i find that if i put forth esoteric absurdities that my mind sometimes conjure up that this only attracts ENxPs and to some extent INxPs to me but majority of other people think them too bizarre

So I rule out most women before I even send them a message. Maybe this is a bad idea? I mean, yeah, a relationship wouldn't work between us in the long term, most likely, but that shouldn't mean I avoid going on a date with them.
INxJs are prone to doing this because we are model builders in our mind, so we tend to generalize and simplify things, so that our mind can construct pretty models out of it. But this can backfire. You are basically oversimplifying people in your head by doing this, while people are actually much more complex than the MBTI model. If I were you I'd just meet different people, simply out of curiosity, and see where things go from there. I am prone to doing the same kind of thing because I am also Ni-Ti dominant but this leads to kind of imprisonment of yourself in your own mind - you get a sense that you already know how people are without even meeting them. It is really much more interesting and engaging to meet them though than prejudge them based on MBTI model.
 

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What I do is try to keep to large cities and I especially like living near university campuses. I think there is more choice that way of different people to meet and more choice of activities. For example the city where I live now there is even an INFJ meetup group (Meetup.com). Craigslist is another place where you can look for groups to join or dates, depending on where you live. People also look there for activity partners, instead of dates, to bike or play tennis together and stuff like that. When dating there is also that less intimidating platonic section where people look for just friends. But even if you meet someone as a friend you never know where it might develop :p

OKCupid ... I posted a profile there and it got flooded with messages. I simply did not have time to respond to everyone and after a few weeks trying to keep up with the communication I had to erase the profile. Probably happens to all other girls there so this is why you aren't getting many responses. My advice - try the profiles without pictures and be persistent. And ENTP I knew got like 15 dates out of it by sending original, witty messages and being a bit more persistent than other guys. And the dude is 5'5, 30 pounds overweight, and not a looker at all. Profiles without pics get less messages, so you are more likely to catch the girl's attention. Profiles with cute photos is what all of you guys react to, and as a result these get flooded. Also the pic-less profiles are more likely to be profiles of your fellow intuitive introverted girls.
vel - incredibly useful advice, thanks! another PerC memeber was mentioning this meet up group in Toronto, but I am oddly shy about just going out there with the purpose of meeting others. I do have a few activities I am into, but I must vary them to find more male persons perhaps to hang about with...but anyhow, there is lots of good stuff in this post, I shall read carefully and try to implement :) I guess I found out I was INFJ recently, I never knew I was an introvert honestly? I am still learning what that means, most people consider me to be an 'extrovert' because of how I interact with others in public - but now, being more on my own, I'm really feeling the anxiety of heading out into the world and finding new people to be around! In the past things seemed so simple...but no so simple I see as a single girl (30).

I found that I detached myself from most of my girl friends, this is the problem, I think...I didn't realize perhaps how much I needed them to get out more! I guess as the main planner, I kind of assumed that I was into social activities too! But now more on my own, I have no desire to plan as much, and well meeting new friends too, isn't as easy as I thought! hmm...some things to think about, I have.
 
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Discussion Starter #10
Yep, I oversimplify people in the beginning. I just can't help it. I instinctively look for clues, find those clues, which leads me to make conjectures that are often accurate. So yeah, I think I'll avoid this when dating, except for the single caveat that I will utterly avoid all ISFP's like the plague.
 

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yea without living in an area that has potential prospects it'll be hard for you, sorry I have no advice... church maybe?
 

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Yeah, church maybe. My dad's wife goes to church and I believe in God now. Though, I have a hunch I'd get bored there.
 

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Oh, wow, do I ever relate to you. I also live out in the country, and I also went through a time where I was very unsocial and my friends learned to mostly give me distance. I do have one friend who I can go out clubbing with sometimes, but I don't always get an invite to go along. I'm only recently single, so I'm in no hurry to get into another relationship, but I do worry about how I will find someone when I am ready.

So far, I've decided that church is probably the best choice for me. I'd probably only end up with someone too different from me if I dated someone I met at a club--I'm not sure if that would be a problem for you, though.
 

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Thanks for posting! Sorry I can't be of any help because I have the same problem. I sympathize with your disappointment with online dating, too. I also tried okcupid, but I found that the only guys to respond were either 50+ (I just turned 24), or they were not interested in an emotional relationship.
 

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Hey, that's terrible you two. I hope things go better for you in the future. I'm half considering giving up on okCupid, I can't make my mind whether I want to randomly date women or just not bother. I really have no clue what I want anymore.

When I was in my relationship, I saw my future. Loving wife, marriage, and then kids. She always told me what a great father she thought I would be. Now it's like, why did I wake up today, what am I working towards?

I'm a very future oriented person, and when my future becomes a huge question mark, I never like it. I thought I was over her too, but today I woke up after having a strange dream and now I've been just sad all day. I can't even pinpoint what I am sad about, I just feel like someone died and I don't know why.
 

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I think if you are specific in what you want on the dating site then you might flush a introvert out. That is what happened with me. I am way to shy to post a profile with pictures but I read this guys profile and felt compelled to contact him. I think he was really worried I'd be quite unattractive since I had no pictures up. I sent some before we met but even then it is hard to tell. We both were as depicted and the chemistry was wonderful.

If you are fine with the posting of the profile then really be honest about your traits and what you are looking for. The guy I contacted had been on and off for over a year before he met me. He never contacted any women either he waited for them to contact him. I guess that cuts down on the rejection. I think I was the 3rd women from the site he met and the only one to make it to a 2nd date.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Interesting story, NRGY, thanks for sharing it. :)

I never thought a woman might message me, but you know, I am really awesome, so it makes perfect sense. ;)
 
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