Throughout my entire life, there was only one point where I forcibly stopped searching for my soulmate...
It was shortly after I ended a serious relationship with a girl I had been dating for 3 years. She was also the girl I referenced on the first page of the INFP confession thread ( http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/31814-infp-confession-thread.html#post685768 )
Sometimes we forge relationships with others knowing full well that they are suffering inside. We feel that just 'maybe' we will be the ones that bring them out of it. In this case, I felt I did. Yet, without intent, I manifested something far worse that would end up haunting both of us forever. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about it, or what could have been.
After this relationship tumbled, I swore off dating for awhile, I needed to find myself. For one year... I stopped flirting, brickwalled any girl that tried to get to know me, and turned down a surprising amount of dates. Within this phase of self-loathing, I thought to myself "who the fuck would want to be with me? I have too many problems to deal with right now. I don't deserve anyone." I carried this chip on my shoulder, avoided people, hovered between belligerent and apathetic.
However, through all this, one girl in particular took notice of me. I would always find this girl looking at me from across the class with those glossy blue eyes. I would return the glance with my soul-less gaze... I do not desire your attention.
From this point forward, she became a bit of a pest, always watching me, seemingly matching our times on campus so we'd walk past each other (borderline stalkerish) and whenever I spoke to her, she'd drop her head down and mutter. All of this was baffling, this girl seemed confident with others, and was often pursued by guys, but she was interested in me... why? Was it because I was held in high regard on campus? Was it because I lived with edge? Or was it some simple twist of psychology where people that are ignored sometimes desire attention even more?
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
It took me awhile to realize this, but she was attracted to me -because- of my vulnerability, because I was distant, because she could tell that my smiles weren't genuine and that my confidence was manufactured. Why? Because she was the exact same way...
To this day, I'm not certain what would of happened if I pursued her. Yet, a part of me wonders... is she 'the one?' My hands have never held her, but my thoughts are paralyzed by the possibility...
Still, I can't hang my head in shame, or beat myself with regrets, but I can take comfort that her and I had one natural affinity that I did not mention. For some completely unknown reason, we were always capable of finding one another... whether it be for a fraction of a second where our eyes would meet in the distance, or an invisible tap on the shoulder that told us to turn around, we could always sense the other. If we were meant to be, that affinity will help us find one another again.
Until then, I confess that I may have met my soulmate, and I let her slip through my grasp...