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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I considered putting this into the Political sub-forum, but I don't think this is political, it's about being harmful to people and making amends.

I'm in my early 40s, and wasn't the most considerate man in my young adulthood. If you're Millennial or a Zoomer in a left leaning environment, you have no idea the kind of men's bad behavior that was common and sometimes semi-permissable. For me, I definitely perpetuated some low-grade and mid-grade shit.

What do you all think, should I rehash all that and try to acknowledge and make amends, like I'm in a 12 step program. Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Does it depend on the severity of the offense? Did you do anything to make amends?
 

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I’m not male, but I’m going to say to be able to make amends for past behavior is going to depend on what was done and to whom—this is going to depend solely on the personality—some may accept and some may say get the fuck out; I don’t want to hear it.
Me personally—I’d probably listen for a minute then decide whether to tune them out or not at that time of attempting amendment. Then I’d just walk away. Once my trust is broken, it’s very hard for someone to regain it—yet, possibly possible but not quite the same as before.
 
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No. Don't make amends.

Apologize once if you haven't already done so (and if you're at the point where you're posting this, I'm assuming you've apologized already), and after that, either the other person accepts the apology and moves forward, or they're gonna hold that up above your head for the rest of your life. You can deal with the former if you want to, but you should absolutely cut the others out of your life completely. If "sorry, I messed up" isn't enough, then nothing will ever be enough, and they will use that as a weapon to make you feel guilty and coerce you into doing what they want. Do not do that. You don't want to be apologizing for the rest of your life, constantly licking those people's boots, because they got hurt once.
 

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I take a pretty ENTJ approach to this. If I can objectively determine that I screwed up, or figured out that I was on the wrong side of a blow-out, I will absolutely go apologize.

But if you expect an apology when I haven't done anything wrong, you're dead to me. I live generously, so if someone isn't willing to take the 'L' like I would for them, then they don't deserve my other supports. It's not a one-way street because I'm male, and that has been an issue in the post #metoo era.
 

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I'm not a male but if I WAS a male and felt bad about my past behavior, I'd contribute to some women's cause (time or money or both) and I'd try as hard as I could, to NOT be an asshole again. Now, if I raped some woman in college, and got away with it then, I'd turn myself in.

I want NO apologies from anyone from my past. I have been VERY lucky as far as guys go.
 

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I'm working on reducing my drink-spiking by at least 33%.
 

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I considered putting this into the Political sub-forum, but I don't think this is political, it's about being harmful to people and making amends.

I'm in my early 40s, and wasn't the most considerate man in my young adulthood. If you're Millennial or a Zoomer in a left leaning environment, you have no idea the kind of men's bad behavior that was common and sometimes semi-permissable. For me, I definitely perpetuated some low-grade and mid-grade shit.

What do you all think, should I rehash all that and try to acknowledge and make amends, like I'm in a 12 step program. Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Does it depend on the severity of the offense? Did you do anything to make amends?
I actually felt bad about something I did as a teenager and I apologized to my male friend (a couple years older than me) about it when we reconnected a little.

He's a lawyer and I thought about it later, like...wait...legally I probably shouldn't have written an apology for something I didn't even get called out for. But fortunately that's why it's nice to have friends who are understanding and friendly, who won't try to take every concession you make and take a mile. Like I know he's not going to turn around and sue me just because he's gotten a written apology and confession of alleged misconduct.

But he just said "oh I don't even remember you doing anything bad--I probably thought you were joking around." And then he told me what he did remember was something nice I said to him....that made him feel good about himself.

So for me, at least, it worked out just fine to apologize after the Metoo movement. But he was clearly not acting like I'd done anything terrible to him--we are still friends. It was just one of those things I look at after Metoo and go...hey...I shouldn't have done that (tbh I don't even remember doing it--but a female friend told me I did...she may have exaggerated, but I apologized for it anyway).
 

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From my perspective as a woman who's had metoo stuff happen to them, I wouldn't want anyone who I'm not seeking to reach out to or be in contact with to contact me to make amends.

I would rather they just examine in themselves and choose not to do it again on their own. I've been trying to move past stuff for years and it wouldn't help me to have someone try to contact me to make amends.

As with my male friend who I did apologize to for metoo stuff, he had already expressed an interest to reconnect...so I was listening to his feelings while taking the opportunity to apologize. And it was fine. We're friends. So as I said, I'd only consider it if the person was already reaching out to you. Because otherwise, you don't know if they've moved on or if they want to hear from anyone who they may have felt hurt by.
 

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It really depends on what you'd be making amends for. There are some people that I'd really just prefer to not talk to again. I agree with the if someone reaches out to you idea. That seems a better way to go about it.

I really appreciate this question though. Good on you for the self reflection and self improvement, that's not always so easy.
 

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I still feel bad for the way I treated a girl my age when I was in 4th grade. But then I was frequently sexually harassed by other boys when I was in my teen years. Perhaps it was karma? But then I don't know that I really understood the weight of what I was doing when I was only 9/10 years old. Idk. I guess I pretty much started the art of male douchebaggery early and ended early as well.
 

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I learned that if you leave shit the way it is it is the best approach. The moment you start poking it the smell comes back. Leave it the way it is and don't go back in someone's life you fucked about before.

And what does this have to do with me too? Did you Weinstein someone? Or did you Epstein someone? Lots of "stein" in the me too accusation stand.
 

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Not trying to be all anti-woman, but I've probably experienced more mistreatment from women than I have mistreated them in ways that males would tend to experience more mistreatment than women. I've been falsely accused of physical abuse, stalking, intending to rape, and have just been treated like a criminal in general at times with fear reactions, and also having the cops called on me just for seeming menacing. But if you look me up on ccap you won't find shit, because I actually never did shit. I had one battery charge against my step dad at age 18, but that got expunged from my record. I'm now 43 years old.
 

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I've been falsely accused of physical abuse, stalking, intending to rape, and have just been treated like a criminal in general at times with fear reactions, and also having the cops called on me just for seeming menacing.
Believe all women. I don't know a single woman that lied about anything ever. Do you?

C:\LOL\Sarcasm\kek.bat exit
 
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Believe all women. I don't know a single woman that lied about anything ever. Do you?

C:\LOL\Sarcasm\kek.bat exit
Yeah, in my experience a number of people have believed these women.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 · (Edited)
Yeah, so I've been thinking based on your all input, thank you. The time I was being the most problematic was in my 20's when I was inappropriately fixated on a co-worker while I was married. Never made a pass or anything, but did confess my interest, and did a bit of really unhelpful "white-knighting" in the workplace, it all contributed to a toxic workplace, and I know she had a hard time of it. She shouldn't have had to been subject to that type of attention in the workplace.

Ultimately it worked out that by the time I left that company, I was single, we were on friendly terms with each other, and even hung out in group settings outside of work. But, I never explicitly apologized for my behavior. As it stands, I'm fond of some of our better times together having a shared experience in that really regressive work environment. But, I'm not actually interested in opening any kind of (friend) relationship with her, she's thousands of miles away. She's also an ISTP, I'm sure she'd just be happy to leave it all behind. I'm just feeling a lot more aware of what she was subject to, looking back, and I feel guilty about it. I'll deal with that on my end, leave her out of it.
 

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Meh sorta depends on who and what.

I wouldn’t worry much about rectifying some silly sexest jokes or comments you made. If they were more general.

I explain to my kids all the time as a xennial I grew up with Eminem. So their hurt feelings baffle me 🤣.

But hey if you objectified someone by physically groping them while they have a job interview or train. Or held someone back from a position they deserved because they wouldn’t suck your cock. You may have some splaining to do.

I’m assuming you were not leveraging sex for a job position. Or using training someone as a way to get sex from them? Assuming.

Which means meh whatever. Someone like me probably kicked ya in your balls for calling us a bitch when we were 12 anyways. 😉.

I considered putting this into the Political sub-forum, but I don't think this is political, it's about being harmful to people and making amends.

I'm in my early 40s, and wasn't the most considerate man in my young adulthood. If you're Millennial or a Zoomer in a left leaning environment, you have no idea the kind of men's bad behavior that was common and sometimes semi-permissable. For me, I definitely perpetuated some low-grade and mid-grade shit.

What do you all think, should I rehash all that and try to acknowledge and make amends, like I'm in a 12 step program. Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Does it depend on the severity of the offense? Did you do anything to make amends?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Meh sorta depends on who and what.

I wouldn’t worry much about rectifying some silly sexest jokes or comments you made. If they were more general.

I explain to my kids all the time as a xennial I grew up with Eminem. So their hurt feelings baffle me 🤣.

But hey if you objectified someone by physically groping them while they have a job interview or train. Or held someone back from a position they deserved because they wouldn’t suck your cock. You may have some splaining to do.

I’m assuming you were not leveraging sex for a job position. Or using training someone as a way to get sex from them? Assuming.

Which means meh whatever. Someone like me probably kicked ya in your balls for calling us a bitch when we were 12 anyways. 😉.
You don't know me. She kicked me in balls for calling her a pizza face. Then the principal walked by when I was laying on the black top and chuckled.
 

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Yeah, so I've been thinking based on your all input, thank you. The time I was being the most problematic was in my 20's when I was inappropriately fixated on a co-worker while I was married. Never made a pass or anything, but did confess my interest, and did a bit of really unhelpful "white-knighting" in the workplace, it all contributed to a toxic workplace, and I know she had a hard time of it. She shouldn't have had to been subject to that type of attention in the workplace.

Ultimately it worked out that by the time I left that company, I was single, we were on friendly terms with each other, and even hung out in group settings outside of work. But, I never explicitly apologized for my behavior. As it stands, I'm fond of some of our better times together having a shared experience in that really regressive work environment. But, I'm not actually interested in opening any kind of (friend) relationship with her, she's thousands of miles away. She's also an ISTP, I'm sure she'd just be happy to leave it all behind. I'm just feeling a lot more aware of what she was subject to, looking back, and I feel guilty about it. I'll deal with that on my end, leave her out of it.
This is pretty minor unless you kept pressing your suit or were guilty of misfeasance. If you ended up friendly, leave it that way.

Good call to the bolded. Unless she's still in your life, let it go.
 

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I'm sure she'd just be happy to leave it all behind.
I think that's best. Focus your effort on something else. Leave the garbage where it belongs.
 
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