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So I've heard, and possibly seen first hand, that women raised without a father figure in their life seek out the attention of men and want all of their attention. Assuming this is a true situation, is there a similar case with men without a mother figure? Do the men have much less self esteem and seek the approval of women? Or perhaps it comes out differently in that the man just has a terrible understanding of female needs in general?

Anyone hear of anything like this? Thanks.
 

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MOTM May 2011
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Interesting question. Generally, men are quicker to remarry, so this situation seldom develops. I have noticed that boys raised in homes without a mother tend to be a bit more bottled up and less in touch with their emotions. And that the girls raised in homes without a mother tend to watch other couples very carefully as though they were trying to observe proper male/female protocol and interaction when in a relationship.

I am speaking mostly of adolescents.
 

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Interesting that you should ask.

That is actually an outdated theory on child development that if a girl or boy is rasied in a home without the opposite influance, they will become promiscuous and needy. At the time of this theroy, they really had no cross section and/or cohorts to study so they assumed certain things. Now of course, they are finding this is simply not true, a strong and well adjusted mother or father can sucessfully raise an opposite sex child without the influance of the other sex. They now have ample studies to back this up. Of course, they also did not take into account the roles of teachers, Uncles, Aunts plus Grandparents on a child. Certainly there will be both sexes of grandparents or teachers they are exposed to. No child is raised in a vacuum. Many well adjusted children were raised in one parent homes with out the other parent.

You probably ran into some women who just had issues. :crazy:
 

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Interesting that you should ask.

That is actually an outdated theory on child development that if a girl or boy is rasied in a home without the opposite influance, they will become promiscuous and needy. At the time of this theroy, they really had no cross section and/or cohorts to study so they assumed certain things. Now of course, they are finding this is simply not true, a strong and well adjusted mother or father can sucessfully raise an opposite sex child without the influance of the other sex. They now have ample studies to back this up. Of course, they also did not take into account the roles of teachers, Uncles, Aunts plus Grandparents on a child. Certainly there will be both sexes of grandparents or teachers they are exposed to. No child is raised in a vacuum. Many well adjusted children were raised in one parent homes with out the other parent.

You probably ran into some women who just had issues. :crazy:
I think this response is problematic in some of the implications. While it is true that a strong, well balanced individual can successfully raise a child of the opposite sex, to imply that they can do it almost single handedly is erroneous. I do appreciate the nod to extended family and community, albeit later in the post. It would take a great deal of help for said parent to be successful in their raising of this child. In contrast, it is also true that a healthy, trained, and athletic individual can run a four minute mile. However, it is not likely to be an attainable goal for most of us.

All else being the same, there is little doubt that a two parent home is the best environment for raising children.
 

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While it is true that a strong, well balanced individual can successfully raise a child of the opposite sex, to imply that they can do it almost single handedly is erroneous. I do appreciate the nod to extended family and community, albeit later in the post. It would take a great deal of help for said parent to be successful in their raising of this child. In contrast, it is also true that a healthy, trained, and athletic individual can run a four minute mile. However, it is not likely to be an attainable goal for most of us. All else being the same, there is little doubt that a two parent home is the best environment for raising children.
the suggestion that it would be erroneous to think an individual could successfully manage raising a child of the opposite sex almost singlehandedly is misguided.

beginning as a 17yr old single parent i raised a girl and then three boys almost single handedly, i also managed this whilst successfully extricating myself over a period of several years from a violent and abusive relationship with the children's father during which time my ex genuinely did more harm than good during the extremely short periods he was around (he spent most of our marriage either at sea, in a bar, or asleep), both to myself and his children, i had virtually no help from my family or supportive input from any male members of my ex's family, it hasnt been easy at times, especially coming to terms with all that testosterone flying around, but teenage girls are a handful too, in slightly different ways.

Despite this my boys have turned out well mannered, articulate,indpendent, thoughtful, considerate, intelligent and well balanced young men... of course time will tell how they ultimately turn out but so far the signs seem very good...even if i do say so myself

Having achieved this against such very difficult odds, i strongly dispute your suggestion that it would take a great deal of help for one parent to raise one child (be it of the opposite gender or otherwise) successfully, it may not be easy, raising children rarely is, no matter how many parents you have, but if one finds oneself in such a situation, it most certainly should be seen as an attainable goal, especially given the alternative,

if i had to learn to run a four minute mile in order for my boys to be successfully raised, i would, its amazing what a parent will and can do for their child
 

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I find it troubling that only 4 responses into this topic and we are discussing a single mom raising 3 boys. I can imagine how hard that is and kudos to anyone who does it well, but fatherless kids, as rough as that is..are everywhere and studied to pieces. As a man who lost his mom suddenly at 9yrs, I can barely find 1 book or article on how that situation has effected all of my romantic relationships. My dad did he best he could, but I had zero females in my life growing up. I raised 2 wonderful young ladies and they are the light of my life, but I had to do it with a broken drama spouse..the only kind of woman I ever seem to pair up with. I have had to leave her to try and save what is left of my life, but now I am middle age, lonely and with no idea whhat a healthy relationship looks like or how to have one. It is truely sad how little info there is out there on this subject. I can't be the only one.
 

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In regards to women without a father figure - my great, great, grandfather commited suicide - which may have an effect on the effect on the child -, his daughter ended up becoming very indisposed to display affection, which was passed down in part to her daughter, and as I see it in my Grandma, there's no obvious searching for the affections/aproval of men (Though she's old).

I'm afraid I can't say for men without a mother figure, it really does seem to be lacking study.

Though from a google search, the few posts which do come up with suggestions there will be issues in relationships with women - either being clingy - fearful, or not trusting them, or not respecting them.
 

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I find it troubling that only 4 responses into this topic and we are discussing a single mom raising 3 boys. I can imagine how hard that is and kudos to anyone who does it well, but fatherless kids, as rough as that is..are everywhere and studied to pieces. As a man who lost his mom suddenly at 9yrs, I can barely find 1 book or article on how that situation has effected all of my romantic relationships. My dad did he best he could, but I had zero females in my life growing up. I raised 2 wonderful young ladies and they are the light of my life, but I had to do it with a broken drama spouse..the only kind of woman I ever seem to pair up with. I have had to leave her to try and save what is left of my life, but now I am middle age, lonely and with no idea whhat a healthy relationship looks like or how to have one. It is truely sad how little info there is out there on this subject. I can't be the only one.
Hi, "I can barely find 1 book or article on how that situation has effected all of my romantic relationships" me too. Does every body know any book or article on this subject. it is really vital for me! I need help not to repeat others (my father) mistake. Thank you.
 

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My Eperiance

Well all i can say is: I grew up without a mother got to know her when i turned 12 but never saw her as my real mother.
One of the many effects was that i Subconsciousley always searched for that mother love i never got.
My dad was very care full and did well for our situation but it wasnt enough i always lacked something and i searched for it in the wrong places one thing that made me relize is that i like Older woman a specialley mothers im wayy more atracted to them than most other woman/girls even more than girls of my own age and im 17.
Im not sure if it has anything to do with being insecure i never tought so but im very self confident by myself but some times do think i am insecure with this topic in serten ways, cant help much on that part.
It is just now around my 17th year that i relize these things and what an impact my parents divorce hade besides all the things i already hade problems with.
I relize it now but always hade the problems there was always an emptyness inside of me is* wich has never been filled i hade it for as long as i can remember and my parents broek up befor that i was long wondering why i was already searching love when i was 8 and all my friends much later on when they turned into teens.
Having no mom hade many effects a lot of them co-formed my character and problems.
If anyone would like to say somethign about this plz do.

ps sorry if i dont use proper English its not my first language.
 

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The extended family can do well, but not everyone has an involved extended family or a large group of cohort siblings. Many children growing up without their corresponding parent aren`t able to easily replace that absent role model, and it makes a difference.
 

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Insufficeint/ineffective parenting can have many different negative effects on a child; the possibilities are nearly endless. What I have noticed, anecdotally, that those with both parents in their life through their entire childhood, and by in their life I mean actually being a parent and not just physically present, are far more adept at interpersonal relationships period, especially dating. I mean, ineffective parenting is the very basis of attachment disorders, and arguably the basis of antisocial personality disorder.

So do I think single parents are inadvertently affecting the development of millions of kids? Yes. There aren't any specific ways, just correlations, though.

One of the best lines from any movie - "We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need." From Fight Club. It really does make you think about our society, and how much it has changed in the last several decades, and why it has changed.
 

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Just about the only guy I know who never really had his mother fully in his life, was actually my stepbrother. I don't think he has ever had a relationship last close to a year, and he's pushing 30. Instead, he refers to females almost exclusively as "bitches." Even if they're his "bitch." He was literally left for his grandmother to take care of for several years, because his dad was a textbook philanderer/hedonist who considered kids to be "just along for the ride."
 
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I can't relate seeing as my mom was the only parent who raised me, but I would like to see a thread on people's thoughts about not having a father figure, and the effects it had on them, short and long term.
 

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My sister grew up without a father for a good part of her life and wasn't an attention seeker or promiscuous. She's been with the same boyfriend for like 10 years or something. Since middle school. She's getting married now.
 

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Well all i can say is: I grew up without a mother got to know her when i turned 12 but never saw her as my real mother.
One of the many effects was that i Subconsciousley always searched for that mother love i never got.
My dad was very care full and did well for our situation but it wasnt enough i always lacked something and i searched for it in the wrong places one thing that made me relize is that i like Older woman a specialley mothers im wayy more atracted to them than most other woman/girls even more than girls of my own age and im 17.
Im not sure if it has anything to do with being insecure i never tought so but im very self confident by myself but some times do think i am insecure with this topic in serten ways, cant help much on that part.
It is just now around my 17th year that i relize these things and what an impact my parents divorce hade besides all the things i already hade problems with.
I relize it now but always hade the problems there was always an emptyness inside of me is* wich has never been filled i hade it for as long as i can remember and my parents broek up befor that i was long wondering why i was already searching love when i was 8 and all my friends much later on when they turned into teens.
Having no mom hade many effects a lot of them co-formed my character and problems.
If anyone would like to say somethign about this plz do.

ps sorry if i dont use proper English its not my first language.
I can relate a lot to this thread in many ways, particularly the quoted posts. I'm 20, and I lost my mom suddenly when I was 5. I was raised by my dad until high school when I moved in with my grandmother because of my dad's extreme OCD. Before that time I had a female figure in my life (who I now call my step-mom), but she never really filled tht 'hole' left by not having a real mother and being different growing up because of it. Financially, I have lived a comfortable life. This is really the only significant turmoil I've had to endure. I often feel very isolated & alone if I'm not involved with a female. It's as if my relationships with guys aren't as important to me. I don't consider myself consciously insecure, but rather quite independent. As soon as I'm not in a relationship, though, I get depressed, and it's hard to tell whether it's just because I'm out of the relationship and miss the girl, or I'm just unfulfilled without direct and somewhat constant attention from a girl.

niss said:
tend to be a bit more bottled up and less in touch with their emotions
This is definitely me.

killerB said:
they will become promiscuous and needy
I can relate to the feeling. The loneliness/neediness often makes me feel weak.

chipd said:
As a man who lost his mom suddenly at 9yrs, I can barely find 1 book or article on how that situation has effected all of my romantic relationships.
So true, any progress on this?

chipd said:
but I had to do it with a broken drama spouse..the only kind of woman I ever seem to pair up with
Lately, this has been true for me (at least the way I interpret 'broken drama'). She isn't a spouse, but she has taught me alot about myself and how I can better express myself. Unfortunately, she's pretty pessimistic, dramatic, and a bit hypocritical which is taxing, and she gets turned off when I express frustration at the fact that I am usually the first to approach her about going out or spending time together. It's difficult to know when I'm being needy or when I'm justified.

benr3600 said:
he refers to females almost exclusively as "bitches."
This seems to be a big trend lately that I can't relate to and don't partake in. It makes me feel like those that did grow up with both parents are more comfortable & less reverent of women. It makes me think that maybe when I interact with a woman, I'm subconsciously telling myself, 'This is something I've always lacked, so don't anger her or chase her away (even if I have to put up with some bs).'

Something else I've realized is that I can relate to some of the descriptors of codependency. This is a huge gray area for me though, considering my dad's obsessive need for control. I just wonder if anyone else in a similar situation (but without the strange father) has noticed this too.
 

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I think, this can't be easily generalized. It depends on the situation, the reason why a person was not raised without a father or mother figure. Probably you need more than just a figure. Only knowing that your biological parent didn't care about you and didn't love you, will have some impact on you.
I assume, that the lack of a mother's love, especially at an early age, would weigh much more than the absence of a father. Of course both are fatal, but probably the bond between mother and child should be a little bit more intensive than that of a father and a child.

My father grew up without both mother and father. He was an illegitimate child. His mother had an affair with her married boss. Because of her pregnancy his mother was chased out of the family (this was Germany, at the end of the 50's). She was a very young, immature woman, she did not want to have a baby and she left my father with his grandparents. Then somehow she got to know some American soldier, went off to the US, where she lived in a trailer park, drinking and gambling. My father also never got to know his biological father and never felt the urge to get to know him.
I would not say that his grandparents were a proper replacement for mother and father. They didn't love him much and showed him often that he is nothing more than a nuisance.
Because of this my father has problems to understand what it means to know, that you are loved. He really needs to hear the words "I love you" over and over again both by my mother and me. If we hurt his feelings somehow, he assumes that we don't love him anymore. So I would say his self esteem is pretty low. What I also can see, is that he very much needs the feeling that he is an important part of the family, he's afraid of being left out of decisions, sometimes he says he feels suppressed by us two women, but from my point of view he is exaggerating. He's very sensitive, easily hurt. Sometimes I think, he needs to be taken care of, because he often acts irresponsible. He had problems with many addictions in his life. And he's also mentally ill. My father really has a hole in his heart which he needs to fill with many things. But it can't be filled. Something will always be missing. He just has to learn to live like that, like some people are blind or a missing legs and arms.

Probably your personality type would also play a role, especially whether you are an extrovert or an introvert. It would probably affect the way how somebody seeks out attention of men or women.
My father is hard to type due to his mental illness. He spends a lot time alone in his cellar room, composing music, and he keeps very silent during family meetings - he's definitely an introvert. Other than that it's so hard to tell. In a lot of ways we are very similar. So maybe he is also an INFJ. But somehow I would type my mother also as an INFJ. Somehow it seems strange to me, but maybe that's the only reason why this family works so well. I can't think of any other women who would have stayed by my father's side. Now I also remember, that my mother told me, that my father used to be extremely clingy in the beginning of their relationship. He wanted to spend a lot of time with her, call her on the phone very often. One time he (who is almost five years older than my mother) called her, because there was a big spider in his kitchen and he didn't know what to do with it. My mother told him to put a glass over the spider. This he did and he left it standing there for many weeks till the spider finally suffocated and completely shriveled up. Somehow my mother told him that she also needs time to be alone and then it was alright.

So, I don't know, I hope these observations help a bit. Like I said at the beginning: I think it really depends both on the person and the situation.
 

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It's a seemingly rare case... i mean to the point you hear more about orphans than kids without mothers, but i guess the sympathy is even more intense because of how rare it is, but can also be a bit of a double standard like a kid without a father will just have to suck it up because it's life, and it's more common but a kid without a mum i mean like damn, that just seems a lot worse in most people's eyes.
 
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