I have clinical depression... Well, used to. :happy: I am so happy now!
I feel like you. I'm sure I'm an undiagnosed bipolar or something like that. High five! xDAccording to a personality disorder test I have five personality disorders: Avoidant, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Histrionic and Narcissistic. I've researched each of these and all have niches in my personality. However I'm starting to wonder I also have Bipolar Disorder (instead of normal depression.) All day Tuesday and yesterday I suddenly fell into a deep depression where I quickly started having suicidal thoughts. All day yesterday I despaired inside, I saw the long term and could find no way to find fulfilment in my life, the only exception being death. Essentially I believed I had become a mere relic of the past, offering nothing but mediocrity to the world. My novel I'm writing? Doomed to fail. Two sides of my mind were arguing and debating over the decision to live or the decision to die (my idealism sides with the pro-suicide idea, seeing nothing but an idealised image of sadness and despair) and I was caught in the middle of the conflict. It was the worst suicide experience in recent memory, but I may just be saying that because my brain wants to forget the gory details. Today I felt melancholy (with the sharp suicide edge faded) an "intangible moment" of thoughts, a moment of euphoria, a resurgent moment of depression and now my mind is "normal" but feels a little tired and exhausted. What was worse though, is that nobody at work noticed anything odd (from the usual odd) whatsoever with my behaviour. I was the same distant yet warm, intriguing yet funny eccentric I've always been. I achieved my highest sales stats all month in these past few days. Has it all been a lie? A mania? Did I blow it all out of proportion in my mind?
It isn't just that though. My "intangible moments" (for lack of a better term) occur usually as an extreme end different from depression or euphoria. In it, I usually consider my philosophical ideas, theories, abstract concepts and the like. Yet there is a lot which is intangible, I can't find words, structures to explain it. Just a whole bucket load of ineffable (this is a big problem for me here also, I can't answer many questions I probably have an opinion for.) Sometimes when I think philosophical, my mind feels like its running on pure euphoria and nothing else, that its greatly over-extended and exhausted. Sometimes I feel sickly, as if my mind is being pulled in directions it shouldn't be. It's really odd and a little unfortunate (thinking philosophically is one of my favourite hobbies!) Plus I can think about such issues to a lesser degree without problems. I hope its only a loss of energy from an introvert over-stimulation.
That's probably the lot of it, but I'm sick of all this now, even though I can go months with little except mild depression or inertia. Would anti-depressants do the trick? It's hard to think positively when your brain seems almost engineered to perceive how you went wrong rather than what you did right.
i thought it was a good post...(never mind)
which meds you take? i feel the same as you with meds.I am diagnozed with BPD (and CFS), and it's ruining my life.
Without medication I'm tearing myself and my surroundings apart; I get these huge, violent breakdowns or raging tantrums over nothing, I have no control over it.
I hurt myself, my things and the ones close to me.
I can be overwhelmed by unexplained fear or sadness, and there are mere minutes between heaven and hell.
I'm electric with stress!
And all of the time I'm contemplating suicide.
With medication everything is gray and numb.
The volume in my head is turned down low, and nothing is anything.
I don't get very sad or scared or angry, and I don't get very happy or eager either.
The border between dream and reality isn't very clear.
When I'm awake everything is a bit "cotton-ish" and distant, like I'm looking through a window; when I sleep my dreams are so livid that they're almost more real then "reality".
I'm almost not sure wich is wich anymore.
With medication I exist, but I don't live.
But I'm not sure that I can manage to stay alive without.
I am so sick of it! :sad:
My psychology teacher told me that mostly everyone will be diagnosed with at least one mental disorder in their life. And I had that same question... why are there even disorders if the majority of people have them...?I think people over analyze and think they have all these "disorders". I remember reading that by the time of death 80% of people will be diagnosed with some sort of "disorder"...... People are all different, I don't know why all these things are considered "disorders".
I don't want to sound like I'm arguing or whatnot but here's some things to go with that statistic - most people who are diagnosed with a mental illness tend to experience it only once in their lives or only under extreme stress, after a loved one has passed away or after some other huge life changing event. They are not given that diagnosis for the long haul and many others recover from theirs so it is merely a blip on their life time radar.I think people over analyze and think they have all these "disorders". I remember reading that by the time of death 80% of people will be diagnosed with some sort of "disorder"...... People are all different, I don't know why all these things are considered "disorders".