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Mild bipolar type with a natural infp self and a created intp/intj artificial self

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I have a social anxiety disorder that grated and grinded against my natural infp and charismatic inter-denominational highly spiritual upbringing all through my tweens, teens and young adult years. The anxiety made my natural infp crisis mode traumatizing and I believe was cause of my now bi polar state. The most immediate effect was the creation of a complex and authortarian intellect to corral and control my infp emotions. The intp/intj stronghold ultimately served the infp (as any creation must mirror its creator) and thus became a incredibly brilliant at deconstructing arguments and ideas for an overall mission to find truth. All of this that Ive described occurred internally and like all infp's I felt and went largely misunderstood. My self wanted to reach out and my artificial self kept me away from others.

Anyway, my melo-dramatic self description aside, I chose agnosticism a few years ago as well as realism. But my mood swings, my infp personality, my artificial self, my anxiety, they are all huge constraints in my goal to reaching out to other people and being a normal human with friends and interests and such. My brain (that artificial self) likens women to other creatures, aliens of another country or planet and guys tend to be too shallow or lacking in anything of interest.

I guess Im writing this because I want someone to know that I exist. There was several years were a pseudo-psychological oriented family friend who became a legal guardian for awhile kept telling me to not be such a victim (psychologically speaking). That of course, being infp, caused me spend a long time thinking deeply about if I am a victim and to what extent could defend that title. To the extent that I never asked for nor chose the anxiety and considering that the my conflictual and ultimate bi polar nature is a direct by product of this anxiety I would argue that I am a victim. In fact I would say infp's are victims in many regards. Genetics screwed us over. While many find creative and functional, pro-creative channels for their infp energies there are a portion of us who wallow in the ocean of emotions that threaten to and often do drown us.

So I'm here. I was lost in my head and in fantastical other worlds for a long ass time and pretty much wasted I'd say 10-12 years of maturation but I'm here.

I'll end on a positive note though. With the advent of movies and recent great television I dare say there hasn't been a better time to be infp :p
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I'm curious... how old are you? And in my opinion, you needn't be so hard on yourself. I've met many INFP types who are. In my opinion, the greatest strength of us xNFPs is our emotional intensity. But it only harms you when you fight it or beat yourself up for it. I say lean into it like you would when stretching out a tight muscle. Embrace it, own it! Let your own unique INFPness be the fire that fuels your creativity in life, and you will do great things. But hey, I get that it isn't easy. It takes practice and time, as with anything else.
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