Personality Cafe banner
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey all, I'm quite conflicted and I don't know how to understand some things this ISTP guy I know does. I'm an ENFP. So I met him while studying abroad in Germany last year (he is German, I'm American). He started talking to me, we had a nice conversation, and a few days later he messaged me and asked me on a date. So we started seeing each other, and it got a lot more intense for both of us than we thought it would (especially since I only had a few months left in Germany and wasn't looking for anything serious). He did many sweet ISTP-like things - for example, we went to an event and as it was late and raining, and my first tram to go home was about to leave (at this point I was just talking to my friend), I hopped on. When he realized I'd gotten on to the tram, he biked in the rain to meet me at where I had to wait for my second tram, just so he could take me home. He was making me a bike (biking is his thing), would fix things for me without me asking, had me and my sister stay with his best friend for the last few weeks I was there (at this point, he was staying with his mom because he was saving up), etc. We had a wonderful and adventurous sex life, and when I left he kept saying how this isn't the end, and asking when I will be back so we have a time to look forward to (I was planning already on coming back in a year). We decided not to talk all the time, as it would be hard for us, and he is terrible with technology (has a crappy phone, no computer, no tv...he is just not interested in those things).

So anyways, I came back to the States and we didn't talk often. I think maybe I was overbearing because I felt the need to talk more often than we did, and maybe this annoyed him. We video chatted in October and he asked me to stay with him this summer. But when we talked in November, he said that he's not in a place where he really wants a relationship (like, next year when I'm back in Germany), and we would just have to see where it goes, but we must be realistic. This really hurt because I truly care about him, but I know I tend to be very idealistic. We still talk sometimes, and I am actually going back to Germany for a week next month, but I'm just not sure how to go about this or what to say when I see him. Should I take his word about not wanting a relationship and forget it, even though he's shown me so much care in the past?

I'm sorry that was long. If you take the time to respond, thank you so much!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,973 Posts
Hey all, I'm quite conflicted and I don't know how to understand some things this ISTP guy I know does. I'm an ENFP. So I met him while studying abroad in Germany last year (he is German, I'm American). He started talking to me, we had a nice conversation, and a few days later he messaged me and asked me on a date. So we started seeing each other, and it got a lot more intense for both of us than we thought it would (especially since I only had a few months left in Germany and wasn't looking for anything serious). He did many sweet ISTP-like things - for example, we went to an event and as it was late and raining, and my first tram to go home was about to leave (at this point I was just talking to my friend), I hopped on. When he realized I'd gotten on to the tram, he biked in the rain to meet me at where I had to wait for my second tram, just so he could take me home. He was making me a bike (biking is his thing), would fix things for me without me asking, had me and my sister stay with his best friend for the last few weeks I was there (at this point, he was staying with his mom because he was saving up), etc. We had a wonderful and adventurous sex life, and when I left he kept saying how this isn't the end, and asking when I will be back so we have a time to look forward to (I was planning already on coming back in a year). We decided not to talk all the time, as it would be hard for us, and he is terrible with technology (has a crappy phone, no computer, no tv...he is just not interested in those things).

So anyways, I came back to the States and we didn't talk often. I think maybe I was overbearing because I felt the need to talk more often than we did, and maybe this annoyed him. We video chatted in October and he asked me to stay with him this summer. But when we talked in November, he said that he's not in a place where he really wants a relationship (like, next year when I'm back in Germany), and we would just have to see where it goes, but we must be realistic. This really hurt because I truly care about him, but I know I tend to be very idealistic. We still talk sometimes, and I am actually going back to Germany for a week next month, but I'm just not sure how to go about this or what to say when I see him. Should I take his word about not wanting a relationship and forget it, even though he's shown me so much care in the past?

I'm sorry that was long. If you take the time to respond, thank you so much!!
Hey there not an istp but from what I gathered- he sees you as more than a friend but not serious enough to be committed with . Sure distance is in the way but if a person really likes you then they would want to make it work .
I don't see the harm in letting him know that you're in town - just know that there is a higher chance that your romance won't be rekindled but hey better to know than wonder....

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,250 Posts
I don't see any mixed messages here. What I see is that he's worried that this relationship is going nowhere in the long term and therefore prefers to cut the losses early on. I see a conflict between his rational and his emotional side. Unsurprisingly he's able to exercise his rational side when you're away. Distance causes an emotional disconnect.

Now when you go back to Germany the question is whether his emotional side will prevail or his rational side will. My suggestion is that you ask him about where he wants the relationship to go and where he thinks it actually will. If he wants more than just a casual thing for as long as you're in Germany, this will explain why he'd rather not have anything than half-a-thing.

That's my theory. You can test it by talking to him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Looks like great advice! I have a question about an ISTP if you don't mind. We've been dating for eight months. I love how he lets me know he deeply cares about me through his actions. But we've never had a conversation about our relationship. We've gone on long enough not verbalizing what's mutually understood and that's been fine, but now I feel it's time to break the ice because we're in our 30s and we both know this is a serious relationship, so I feel like we should be mature enough to call it what it is already. Time to break the ice, but I don't want to freak him out or make him feel boxed in. He's already committed, I can feel it in his actions—he initiates texting me throughout the day every day and initiates making plans, sometimes months in advance, and we spent the holidays with each other's families. If he's not ready to call me his girlfriend, I'll think that's weird, but I'll let it go. I just need both of us to verbally recognize that this is a committed relationship. What is the best way to bring this up to him? All I can think of is, "Hey, I really like you and want to see if we're on the same page. This might seem silly to bring up because I know we like each other a lot, but we've never talked about our relationship so I want to ask you what this relationship is to you." I know that's not exactly clear, which is why I'm posting and asking other ISTPs out there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Simple, direct, easy to answer.
Thanks! I'll say that. Also think I'll say, "I would consider you my boyfriend. Are you comfortable with that?" Sometimes I feel like he wants to call me his girlfriend, but is nervous to bring it up. So I'll just address is directly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
Thanks! I'll say that. Also think I'll say, "I would consider you my boyfriend. Are you comfortable with that?" Sometimes I feel like he wants to call me his girlfriend, but is nervous to bring it up. So I'll just address is directly.
I'd just be like… do you wanna be my boyfriend? We tend to do super well with direct questions. :p

If he's anything like me he'll probably make some remark like… "I was hoping you'd ask" haha
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Top