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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been working since I was 16 years old, Latin América. Just like many of you I've seen how talking about relationship and marriage also involves money in many ways: budget, lifestyle, personal preferences etc, there are good and bad angles, it depends on the couple-relationship. But... money can bite your tail and surprise you, perhaps in not so positive ways.

I've never been affected or felt "less"... til now (and it's not funny to accept such fact).
Nope, not so young, I'm in my middle 30s.

Money does not bring fear or happiness, but sure it can make you feel insecure. HAD no fear but WAS CAUTIOUS on the kind of woman I dated, meaning: their lifestyle, income, family traditions. Sadly many of that means economic class. We all can date anyone but life teaches you about lifestyle and compatibility.

Funny enough: (1) had a relationship with one woman who ended up confessing, sharing with me about her wealthy father. As a gift, each sister got 3 houses and sure their worries and plans over the future changed. I was invited "when married" to come in and choose with her one house, just... sit there. I hated the idea and tried us to build something together, not just "extending your hands and receive". (2) Later had another relationship, they were wealthy and traveling around Europe a lot. She was average in lifestyle and hard working, distant from her wealthy father. LATER her father trying to keep money in side the family started providing clients for her to work more and earn a lot more. Sure it affected our "plans". Still I felt no threat, just no stability on our future views.

What a joke. Recent ExGF was very poor with a hard working family. Suddenly one relative won some pending legal issues and now there is money every-where. This relative has been sharing wealth with the family and bringing changes, getting involved more than what should be accepted. The lifestyle started changing and SURE the future life expectations changed a lot. Suddenly there are a lot of talks about properties, money, donations, gifts, paying this or that to others as a gift. Sure that woman changed in front of my eyes. ME Not seeking it... feels like a curse, now wanting to aim to simple average people with no potential danger of suddenly having lots of money. I'm not against it, it just people change when suddenly appears... specially when is not a product of work, not even near hard work: gifts...


If the story didn't bore you, have you ever faced similar changes on your partner? how did you deal with that? I'm single now but sure it worries me finding someone who (at the end) doesn't wants to build a future, just enjoy what others bring. In all honesty if it was me I would not accept money gifts that big.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I know how this forum works (lots of projections) so in advance: no jealousy, no envy, no fear, just worried about how people change when they receive money or properties they never worked for. Suddenly they don't want to live in the same place, want to change cars (cars!), keep on traveling, etc.
 

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If a person grows up very poor and suddenly gets offered a lot of money on a silver platter, odds are that they might be extremely prone to lose their self control and lucidity and attempt to live up to what seem to be social ideals linked to wealth . Of course it depends on the person, their values, their integrity and their personal desires; some people will rejoice to the chance of exploring forbidden pleasures, other will only see the practical use of money or ways to use it to support all of their dreams and projects.

Those who grow up very rich are either spoiled and bored or defiant and rejecting the status quo. Usually unaware of what a lack of money entails until they experience it firsthand, getting close to someone who wasn't born in a cradle of cash. Not mean, just naive.

To me money only matters when it has a practical purpose, when I want to use it for something specific.
Right now I'd love plenty because I really need for the realization of all of these dreams.
Daydreaming about riches on it's own was never in my blood, even when it came to picturing myself in luxurious or royal situations, I preferred the personal stories I created out of that.
Money can drain one's passion, make them lose their essence as a person.
My family was always somehow well off, another tack on my mother's unhealthiness.

So I can understand you to a degree, seeing my significant other lose his mind over new riches would be a huge blow. But in a way, it's not exactly morally reprehensible and it's quite understandable especially if they've been struggling for years. Even if I became extremely wealthy, I'd rather not lose anything that makes me the person I am. Flawed as it might be.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Just to avoid misunderstandings, the thing is how big stuff can change people, people we know and we choose. It's about alien factors deeply changing someone and their life, and how funny it is that doesn't matter who we choose, sometimes life can repeat the same story to us.

Well, if you were suddenly given freedom would you choose to remain caged? This is exactly what happened to them.
Answering your comment: no I wouldn't choose to remain caged.

The problem is... your terms... a person is a person no matter how money they have, they were not poor, and the comparison between caged or freedom doesn't really fit, it seems more than a comparison: an expression that you perhaps feel caged but money would set you free, OR that you imagine them feeling caged, and that money means freedom.

Among some male friends, we had the experience of suddenly receiving a lot of money, due to our lifestyle: SIMILAR to those women, we managed pretty good and kept our lifestyle. But as similar they were (the women) they didn't kept the lifestyle, they changed waaaaay much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Wow, thank you, Hotaru your post is very clear on the aspects I've wonder and seen for a while. Its interesting how it's been suggested they were poor, they were not (my family was in the beginning, not anymore, and one of the GF had limitations on her family first years but then not anymore). I can see the trend of approaching the matter as "first poor then craving money" it's not the case here.

In fact my family and hers share a similar model in the beginning, but the outcomes are: both hard working, us focused on human stuff and family, them on the other side: cold, indifferent. It became obvious over the years and right now it's a matter of discussion on her life (not mine), we are apart now.


So I can understand you to a degree, seeing my significant other lose his mind over new riches would be a huge blow. But in a way, it's not exactly morally reprehensible and it's quite understandable especially if they've been struggling for years. Even if I became extremely wealthy, I'd rather not lose anything that makes me the person I am. Flawed as it might be.
Exactly, I agree with your whole post but this part is specially heavy. I believe some people loose their mind as you say, some loose their true self and suddenly one can't recognize them anymore, so coming back to my original intention of the thread: it's about loosing oneself (themselves).

The wealthy relative that was poor but not anymore, has now a superficial life filled with food waste, they are all getting waaaay fat (consider that I like big girls... they are out of tune). I was calm until that relative started invading their life with advice and money-gifts, lots of money. And then loosing my calm again seeing how easily they accept them.
 

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I imagine I'd probably go a little crazy if I came into a lot of money myself. And I'm extremely frugal and rarely spend a dime on impulse.

I wonder if it comes from a sort of magical belief that because the money came seemingly "out of nowhere," there is more money of that kind waiting in the wings if it runs out. Whereas if you watch every dime come in from your own hard work, then you know intimately that each dime depends on each hour you put in.

Just a thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I imagine I'd probably go a little crazy if I came into a lot of money myself. And I'm extremely frugal and rarely spend a dime on impulse.

I wonder if it comes from a sort of magical belief that because the money came seemingly "out of nowhere," there is more money of that kind waiting in the wings if it runs out. Whereas if you watch every dime come in from your own hard work, then you know intimately that each dime depends on each hour you put in.

Just a thought.
Its my perception, probably wrong... that people don't wonder if it's going to run out or the damage it creates to their fragile selves in those cases. Going nuts with something one didn't work and will run out it's like exposing to radiation enjoying superpowers for 5 minutes, then cancer.

I think of it for a while and still come with surprise. The chances of getting money all of the sudden are not high, kinda odd.

On another hand, not directly related but still related: some companies in my country (big ones) allow an retirement payment after years of service. It's usually one full salary for each year in labor. For some it's a lot of money. Where I worked (large media company) some people left with lots of money, some already had debts so they paid them, some didn't... and "tried" to start their own "BIG" business... obviously, most with terrible luck.
 

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Those who have the right attitude about money are less likely to flip 180 from coming into a big sum.

If not, even a small sum can send the person into a spin.

I believe the right perspective is learned; from growing up, from adults, and from own life experiences.

Unfortunately for some ppl, they never learn the proper relationship with money therefore will always be troubled by it (having it or not having it).

This, fortunately, is something you can observe if you pay attention to a person and his/her attitude/relationship with money to get an inkling and educated guess. What he/she says about growing up, parents money attitude, how he/she spends or saves....a lot of crumbs you can pick up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Those who have the right attitude about money are less likely to flip 180 in coming into a big sum.

If not, even a small sum can send the person into a spin.

I believe the right perspective is learned; from growing up, from adults, and from own life experiences.

Unfortunately for some ppl, they never learn the proper relationship with money therefore will always be troubled by it (having it or not having it).

This, fortunately, is something you can observe if you pay attention to a person and his/her attitude/relationship with money. I can tell rather early on in a relationship/friendship. Fortunately I've never dated or been friends with ppl who don't have a healthy relationship with money. Even though my friends/loved ones none has had a sudden influx of money they didn't earn (from a death of a relative, for example), I am fairly certain that even if they do, they will not change to be strangers I can't recognize.
Thanks, nice wording. It's interesting what worries me about dormant troubles, things we don't see until they happen but you are right, watching closely brings clues of people attitudes with money.
 

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I am a bit envious of you having this problem, but at the same time it sounds very upsetting to deal with.

I've never been with someone who was currently wealthy. A few people whose families are very wealthy, sure. A few times I've had men who were poor take advantage of the fact that I had any money at all, like charging me fairly high rent for living with them and expecting me to pay for all the food. Because of this I've decided not to date poor men anymore. I'm tired of being expected to pull my own weight plus half of theirs when I have a chronic illness.

I guess my thing with class is that I was raised lower class, by someone who was raised upper class and just fucked up her life along with her kids'. So I think of myself as more lower class sometimes and relate to people who grew up lower class more, but I can also appeal to people who are upper class because I have that sort of language, body and grace that they look for. It's always a challenge for me, choosing between being with someone I relate to who will inevitably hold me back and someone who can offer me much more out of life but never quite understand me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I am a bit envious of you having this problem, but at the same time it sounds very upsetting to deal with.
My concern comes in diff flavors. Instead of just fearing I decided to stay to find out the reach of real-life consequences. I didn't like the outcome.


I've never been with someone who was currently wealthy. A few people whose families are very wealthy, sure.
They were not wealthy, case one: father was. Case two, suddenly one relative won legal issues and became wealthy. A good friend of mine actually psychologist does comes from a wealthy family but decided to leave, and then live on his own with a very diff lifestyle because the bad mental health of them was making him ad, miserable and ill. Oh yes, and now that I remember there was one woman (from high school) who was wealthy, problem is her family had problems and two years before her mother dying mean living like poor people.


A few times I've had men who were poor take advantage of the fact that I had any money at all, like charging me fairly high rent for living with them and expecting me to pay for all the food. Because of this I've decided not to date poor men anymore. I'm tired of being expected to pull my own weight plus half of theirs when I have a chronic illness.

I guess my thing with class is that I was raised lower class, by someone who was raised upper class and just fucked up her life along with her kids'. So I think of myself as more lower class sometimes and relate to people who grew up lower class more, but I can also appeal to people who are upper class because I have that sort of language, body and grace that they look for. It's always a challenge for me, choosing between being with someone I relate to who will inevitably hold me back and someone who can offer me much more out of life but never quite understand me.
I get what you say, it's not fair to have such budget and paying for it, but sure it's complex... belonging to one "class" but relating a lot to another, and lifestyle sticks.

In case 2, that exGF asked me what about... because her wealthy relative WILL want to pay for the education of our children on expensive schools "just because she likes to help". That's way too much, thats invasion, go and have your own children and let other people alone in peace. I explained her how other people lifestyle affect children and then expect to have such life.

As some can remember, we (exGF and me) had problems because while both of us have the economic forces to do it, she just suddenly... wanted to travel more and more and more. I refused after several trips because "it was too much". I said no, she said "no worry I will pay for it", I say hell no, it's not like that. I've done travel photography as a business and hobby, it also affected how I felt insulted by someone who just wants to go to some place, get up late, eat fancy food, leave half the meal there, take ugly pictures and come back with an empty soul.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Money? over the years it's been interesting to find a lot of INTJ threads where they have money (or not) but in common, they don't care about it. Me, I didn't have, then I had a bit, then a bit much, then average, etc but it doesn't matter, I never really cared about it. Perhaps this is why some people feel safe sharing with me the news of what they have, but I don't care, in fact it causes me problems to see how they change.
 
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