Personality Cafe banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
MOTM July 2012
Joined
·
8,033 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
It has been said that the reason a man may choose one woman over another (or vice versa) is...how she makes him feel.

In some cases this factor may be more influential than looks or personality.

If a woman makes a man feel respected, happy, and loved in the way that most suits his enneagram type/love language, she may hold his attention more than other women he would initially find more attractive.

If - after initial attraction (this is crucial!) - a man makes a woman feel secure, supported through his masculinity and strength, and emotionally cared for, he may have an advantage over other men in attracting her. Or if he makes her feel loved in the way that most suits her enneagram type/love language, she may find him more attractive than she found him initially.

1. Is this true of you?

2. How he/she makes you feel: is this more important in attracting you to him/her than looks and personality?

3. Would an understanding of your enneagram type and love language, and treating you accordingly, give someone an advantage (over other more initially attractive people) in attracting you?

EDIT: based on responses to this thread, i need to add a clarification here. personality and how someone makes you feel are not equivalent, by the definitions i am using for those terms. 'personality' is the set of strong cognitive functions present at birth that evidence themselves in typical ways, and the word 'behavior' is that which an individual chooses to do, or ways in which he/she is socially conditioned to act (that is, what he/she learns to do). personality is involuntary, while behavior is voluntary, and the two may differ widely (which is why some people have so much difficulty determining into which MBTI type category they fall) because a person can choose to act in ways that do not come naturally or to deny natural impulses on a regular basis.

It seems that society doesn't give enough weight to this factor in attraction (in men especially) and generalizes too much about 'what men like in a woman' or 'how to get a woman to fall in love with you' when what makes you attractive to someone is very individual to that someone.

I am curious to hear others' perspectives about this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
923 Posts
1/2. I can see this, my SO is very beautiful and very attractive and that was the intitial spark other than the first post I read of her's. Though now that I know her, I love her, she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe not literally, but to me she is. She brings me happiness, she comforts me, and she acts as an anchor.
Now that I have her, I see other women as pretty or what not but there is no connection, just like how I look at men, I'm not attracted to anyone else. So yes how she makes me feel, makes her so much more attractive that other woman don't attract me anymore, I hope it stays this way life is so easy and wonderful now. Love you honey!

Though ya I think this is a valid part of attractiveness that is overlooked.
 

·
MOTM July 2012
Joined
·
8,033 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
But isn't that a part of a person's personality?
great question - i asked myself the same question when i posted this thread. but personality and how you make others feel are not necessarily the same thing - personality is what comes naturally, certain behaviors are a matter of choice. people often learn to love others in the way they need to be loved, because the natural tendency is usually to show love to others in the way they would prefer to experience love themselves.

for instance, men may prefer time alone to figure out their problems in their heads when they are stressed and thus give space to a woman when she's going through a hard time; while a woman may prefer to be able to vent to someone who is empathetic and will listen and comfort her and validate her feelings and thus will often try to get a man to talk with her about how is feeling, when he's stressed out, and not leave him alone...for those men and women who don't do the above, the behaviors are learned, rather than a part of their natural personality. a

nother instance - women often don't realize how much it matters to a man to feel respected, and just what indicates respect to him...if we do know that, more than likely it is because we had to learn this, not because it came naturally to us by personality (the internal respect may be there, but the actions that a man interprets as respect often are not).

a woman may not naturally be obsessed over her weight but she may choose to keep herself in shape if she knows it means a lot to her man that she does.


cf. love languages - if your love language is touch and hers is acts of service, then you are more likely to feel loved if she chooses to use touch instead. cf. enneagram type - if your type is 3, you will feel better if your partner doesn't choose to point out your mistakes or punch holes in your public image...that's a choice, not a personality trait.

i'm not condoning manipulation, but just stating a fact: there are many women in the world who lure guys in with flattery. they don't actually think that highly of the guy, but they are pushing his 'feel good' buttons just to get what they want out of him...it is a form of manipulation. they play the helpless female whose circumstances are so out of her control that she needs help (even though she knows full well that her hands are on the manipulative steering wheel that drives his wheels) and make him feel like a hero. it seems like, in some cases, the man's need for this kind of affirmation is stronger than anything else - because he will forego other women for the women who makes him feel this way.

there are a lot of behaviors that can make a woman or man feel good, that are not a result of innate personality but learned behaviors done by choice. love is a choice - doing what makes your partner feel good (if it's not convenient to you or doesn't come naturally for you) can be a sacrifice - complete unselfishness does not come naturally to any personality type all the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
435 Posts
@Arclight and @MyDarkAngel -

i guess we all posted around the same time, because MyName posted this same question and i responded to it probably while you all were writing your posts... :)

I read your reply but I think you are looking too far into the whole thing. To me, an individuals personality is who they are. Who someone is in relation to who I am will dictate how they make me feel.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,473 Posts
1. Is this true of you?

This is very true for me. A man who makes me feel secure and emotionally cared for would have a definite advantage over someone who did not have these traits. However, if there is absolutely no initial attraction, it is very unlikely that I will become attracted to them, even if I discover that they have these traits.

2. How he/she makes you feel: is this more important in attracting you to him/her than looks and personality?

I would count developed masculinity, inner strength, emotional strength, and kindness as personality traits, so I don't really understand this question. :s

3. Would an understanding of your enneagram type and love language, and treating you accordingly, give someone an advantage (over other more initially attractive people) in attracting you?

Definitely. The description for E4 describes me extremely well (especially at the lower levels) and if he understands this as a part of my background, he can get an understanding of how my mind works.

The same goes for love languages. If my SO is a neurosurgeon who works 60+ hours a week and my love language is spending time together, I'm not going to feel fulfilment in our relationship. Money won't matter and it won't matter how many gifts he buys me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,077 Posts
great question - i asked myself the same question when i posted this thread. but personality and how you make others feel are not necessarily the same thing - personality is what comes naturally, certain behaviors are a matter of choice. people often learn to love others in the way they need to be loved, because the natural tendency is usually to show love to others in the way they would prefer to experience love themselves.

for instance, men may prefer time alone to figure out their problems in their heads when they are stressed and thus give space to a woman when she's going through a hard time; while a woman may prefer to be able to vent to someone who is empathetic and will listen and comfort her and validate her feelings and thus will often try to get a man to talk with her about how is feeling, when he's stressed out, and not leave him alone...for those men and women who don't do the above, the behaviors are learned, rather than a part of their natural personality. a

nother instance - women often don't realize how much it matters to a man to feel respected, and just what indicates respect to him...if we do know that, more than likely it is because we had to learn this, not because it came naturally to us by personality (the internal respect may be there, but the actions that a man interprets as respect often are not).

a woman may not naturally be obsessed over her weight but she may choose to keep herself in shape if she knows it means a lot to her man that she does.


cf. love languages - if your love language is touch and hers is acts of service, then you are more likely to feel loved if she chooses to use touch instead. cf. enneagram type - if your type is 3, you will feel better if your partner doesn't choose to point out your mistakes or punch holes in your public image...that's a choice, not a personality trait.

i'm not condoning manipulation, but just stating a fact: there are many women in the world who lure guys in with flattery. they don't actually think that highly of the guy, but they are pushing his 'feel good' buttons just to get what they want out of him...it is a form of manipulation. they play the helpless female whose circumstances are so out of her control that she needs help (even though she knows full well that her hands are on the manipulative steering wheel that drives his wheels) and make him feel like a hero. it seems like, in some cases, the man's need for this kind of affirmation is stronger than anything else - because he will forego other women for the women who makes him feel this way.

there are a lot of behaviors that can make a woman or man feel good, that are not a result of innate personality but learned behaviors done by choice. love is a choice - doing what makes your partner feel good (if it's not convenient to you or doesn't come naturally for you) can be a sacrifice - complete unselfishness does not come naturally to any personality type all the time.
When I use the word personality I just use it as a basic description of how a person generally acts.
 

·
MOTM July 2012
Joined
·
8,033 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
When I use the word personality I just use it as a basic description of how a person generally acts.
:) you narrowed my mile-long post down to the core idea ~ thanks!! i need to learn to summarize like you do!

anyway, i guess definition of terms is why our ideas on this topic differ, because i use the word 'personality' as the set of strong cognitive functions present at birth that evidence themselves in typical ways, and the word 'behavior' as that which an individual chooses to do, or ways in which he/she is socially conditioned to act (that is, what he/she learns to do). personality is involuntary, while behavior is voluntary, and the two may differ widely (which is why some people have so much difficulty determining into which MBTI type category they fall) because a person can choose to act in ways that do not come naturally or to deny natural impulses on a regular basis.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
543 Posts
:) you narrowed my mile-long post down to the core idea ~ thanks!! i need to learn to summarize like you do!

anyway, i guess definition of terms is why our ideas on this topic differ, because i use the word 'personality' as the set of strong cognitive functions present at birth that evidence themselves in typical ways, and the word 'behavior' as that which an individual chooses to do, or ways in which he/she is socially conditioned to act (that is, what he/she learns to do). personality is involuntary, while behavior is voluntary, and the two may differ widely (which is why some people have so much difficulty determining into which MBTI type category they fall) because a person can choose to act in ways that do not come naturally or to deny natural impulses on a regular basis.
Yes, this is actually how I interpreted your post upon first glance, but was unable to put into words, haha. Behavior can be influenced heavily based on ones personality though, can it not? I just have difficulty separating the idea that one's personality and ones chosen behavior are mutually exclusive... I can see the line, and it seems quite fuzzy. :p

Anyway, yes... A women or man who can go out of their way to make their partner feel adored will surely win out against someone who does the opposite (at least in the long term). Someone's appreciation for their partner's natural personality or appearance will surely wane if they feel unappreciated, or even put down. The word "manipulation" was definitely the first thing to come to mind, as you said @seastallion. I guess it comes down to wanting to make someone happy for their benefit, or yours, really.

I personally find personality still playing a huge role in my long term attraction to someone, but if our relationship is devoid of personal gestures (something as simple as giving me a ride to the bus stop, once in awhile), of course I would not be interested in them for very long. I need to know that I am worth sacrificing some time in front of the computer or TV for once in awhile. I know the person I am with will not always be happy to do this or that for me, but to know that they care about making me happy or comfortable at the expense of their own comfort is very important to me; the little things are what count most.

I do not know much about enneagram, sorry. :unsure:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,605 Posts
For a long time I thought personality type (following either MBTI or Enneagram) were very important tools to finding someone. As others have mentioned, personality can lead to many of the behaviors and things that attract. However, over recent months, I have found that these indicators are less important than I thought. I have found myself caring deeply for someone for a while now, and I have tried mightily to come up with some kind of rational explanation for this, as I do with all things (see Ennegram type 5).

Despite these efforts, and despite a growing understanding of her personality, I can't help but feel that this represents a minimal aspect of my feelings for her. I try imagining if I found another equally or more attractive woman of the same MBTI and Enneagram, and still find myself not really interested. I am not really sure what it is, but this one individual as a whole is special to me, not a few psychological patterns. The main "factor" in my attraction to her is a very abstract "feeling" that she gives me. I just feel a heretofore unknown contentedness, security, and even strength. What makes this even stranger is that I don't think we are really in a relationship. Nevertheless, I feel for some reason, that when we are together that I can conquer the world.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,228 Posts
:) you narrowed my mile-long post down to the core idea ~ thanks!! i need to learn to summarize like you do!

anyway, i guess definition of terms is why our ideas on this topic differ, because i use the word 'personality' as the set of strong cognitive functions present at birth that evidence themselves in typical ways, and the word 'behavior' as that which an individual chooses to do, or ways in which he/she is socially conditioned to act (that is, what he/she learns to do). personality is involuntary, while behavior is voluntary, and the two may differ widely (which is why some people have so much difficulty determining into which MBTI type category they fall) because a person can choose to act in ways that do not come naturally or to deny natural impulses on a regular basis.

I agree 100%. I'm an ENTP, but that's how I think, not how I act (most of the time). I won't go into details, because I don't want to sound like I'm putting down any type's "traits" or sound like I'm better than anyone (because I'm not) but yeah, I get it, and I agree.

Within any type, there will be people who are intellectual, people who are romantics, people who are natural athletes, people who are natural whatever, etc. They may share the same functions, but their behavior can be vastly different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,320 Posts
1. Is this true of you?
Yes, very. I’m very attracted to my partner’s appearance and personality, but I do love the way he makes me feel most of all.

2. How he/she makes you feel: is this more important in attracting you to him/her than looks and personality?
I don’t know about in the initial stages of attraction because I feel like it can take time to establish how someone makes you feel consistently rather than in a one-off sort of way. It’s exciting in the beginning (it’s always exciting) but I feel like the way he consistently makes me feel is what has sustained my feelings for him.

3. Would an understanding of your enneagram type and love language, and treating you accordingly, give someone an advantage (over other more initially attractive people) in attracting you?
I think so. I actually think that’s why I’m so unbelievably attracted to my partner... I’m pretty sure that we have similar tritypes and love languages. We both have 5s and 9s (I have a 3 and I’m not sure what his heart fix is... maybe a 2) and we both really value physical touch and quality time. I think that I value words of affirmation a little bit more than he does, but he’s figured that out and delivers pretty well without much encouragement from me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: emerald sea

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,669 Posts
there are many women in the world who lure guys in with flattery. they don't actually think that highly of the guy, but they are pushing his 'feel good' buttons just to get what they want out of him...it is a form of manipulation. they play the helpless female whose circumstances are so out of her control that she needs help (even though she knows full well that her hands are on the manipulative steering wheel that drives his wheels) and make him feel like a hero. it seems like, in some cases, the man's need for this kind of affirmation is stronger than anything else - because he will forego other women for the women who makes him feel this way.
Yes, definitely. In my experience, almost all women do this with men to some extent, and I believe it's extremely manipulative. Instead of being honest with their own desires and needs, they instead focus very hard on "getting" the guy by playing a role that flatters his ego. They don't realize that this works great for getting someone's attention, but not for building up their affection over time. Then, because the relationship isn't authentic, problems keep piling up related to the lack of actual connection going on. Resentment mounts, the sex gets worse and worse, until it finally fizzles.

It would be more loving as a woman not to pretend you're helpless, not to fake orgasms, not to pretend nothing's wrong when it is. Because that's the only way you can build a long-lasting, healthy relationship (and one with good sex).

I think some women are just lonely enough that they'd rather have something than nothing, no matter what. So they put on a show.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top