Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,435 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My boyfriend is super nice and super intelligent, and we see eye to eye on lots of things, and I don’t want to give him up. But we have a problem. I’ve learned to organize my daily life and face many unpleasant and boring tasks, so even though I don’t achieve much, I do get the basics done. My bf is WAY more P than I am (he’s ISTP), and getting him to do his share is really difficult. Now I’m getting tired of doing anything, especially for him. Some examples/details:

Before he moved in, he was able to cook for himself—he’s a good cook--and he used to cook for me when I visited. But in 4 months of living together, he has only cooked one thing, and that was rice when his father came to visit. I cooked the main part of the meal, and I asked him to cook the rice because I don’t eat rice and don’t know how to cook it. He said he didn’t feel like it, but he eventually did it when both his father and I refused to do it. (His father had cooked the previous night’s meal for the three of us.)

We talked about housework, and I asked him whether he preferred full responsibility for specific jobs, or sharing the jobs. He said he’d function better if we did things together/shared the jobs. So usually I start the laundry and he hangs it up. Yesterday I was very tired and busy, and I asked him to get the laundry out of the machine. It needed to be done right away because it isn’t our machine and other people use it. He said he'd do it after he went out for a toke, but I felt that wasn't soon enough so I brought the laundry in myself. He did hang it up, but I wasn’t pleased about having to get it out of the washing machine.

For most things, he just doesn’t get around to it. So I end up doing all the vacuuming and so on. Once I did part of the vacuuming and left the vacuum out because he said he'd do the rest, but he didn't do it. The vacuum cleaner was in the way so I just finished the vacuuming myself so I could put the machine away.

Often there’s a lot of procrastinating: later, tonight, tomorrow, etc. (This happens with sex too.) I’d rather he just said no; that way I could deal with reality instead of promises.

When we have a resource that I think could serve some function or make our life easier, he uses it for something frivolous or decorative. For example, he promised to make some kitchen shelves but never got around to it. Eventually he got some free shelving, and he talked about putting up the shelves here and there for little decorations and knickknacks. He has the energy and organizational ability for this kind of thing but not practical things.

He’s a mechanical genius. We need a fan installed in the kitchen wall. About 3 months ago he said he’d put in a fan. But it was 3 months of talking about it and inventing an ingenious fan that would cost next to nothing and have all kinds of special features. He had me go online to research fan parts, but nothing was ever quite right, or he thought he could get something cheaper or for free. He did bring home a couple of parts, but not enough to make anything happen. Finally I gave up and decided to buy a room fan that I could put in the window to blow out some of the bad air. He saw me looking at room fans online, and suddenly he was able to find an appropriate, complete, reasonably priced fan that he could install in the wall; he asked me to order it and says he’ll install it as soon as it arrives. He says we have a “communication problem” and he didn’t realize the urgency until he saw me looking at room fans. To me, it’s just common sense that if the house is full of smoke, greasy air, and cooking smells, we need ventilation soon, not in several months.

Sometimes he says I should have reminded him about something that he said he was going to do. I don't understand this. Either you're going to do something or you're not.

Sometimes he’ll offer to do some small task, like rearranging the wires for the DVD player. Later, when I ask him about it (e.g., did he do it, can we watch a DVD now), he groans like a teenager. I’m not forcing him to do it—I thought things were fine the way they were--he offered to do it.

He is reliable about doing a couple of things, such as checking the mail and taking the recycling to the depot. It took him a while to catch on, but now he does these on his own and doesn't need to be reminded. Maybe part of the reason is that when he leaves the house to do these things, he gets to do a bit of socializing.

Even though he says he functions better if we do things together, I’m thinking we should just split the tasks. For example, I’ll do my own laundry and he'll do his, we can each figure out our own food, if I want a fan installed I’ll hire someone else to do it, etc. If he offers to do something, or talks about doing something "later," I’ll just act like he never said anything.

If anyone has a better idea, I’d love to know about it. Please assume that I don’t want to break up with him. If that needs to happen, it will, but I’d like to try to find some solutions first. Thank you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,444 Posts
It sounds like you have different tolerance levels for work. You said once (or twice) that you like doing things for your man, and it doesn't sound like he likes doing things...at all? So problems would be expected and you'll need a dedicated approach to make sure you're not being taken advantage of.

The first thing I'd do is make an appointment to discuss chores. With paper and pen. Seriously, sitting down. I'd make sure he knows this means a great deal to you, and if he's disinterested, that's a real problem to begin with.

But assuming all goes well with the appointment process, first, I'd make a list of all the chores you can both think of.

Then I'd rate the chores on a 1-5 scale on which you each, personally, hate the most.

My husband and I once did something similar, and we also assigned a time value to the chores.

Then you decide what's fair in terms of an even split according to preferences and aversions.

Keep in mind, people's body clocks are different, so if he's going to vacuum, he might prefer to do it at night. Are you okay with that? At any rate, agree to when it's done, but be flexible and work together on that.

I would steer clear of the "my mess, your mess" bit because that can get petty in short order. The exception is laundry. My husband and I are quite into each other, but neither of us would want to do the other's laundry, nor would we want the other doing ours. He feels sexist when a woman washes his clothes (it's random, he's plenty sexist in other ways, but whatever). Meanwhile, I'm too picky about the way my clothes are washed to trust anyone else (who's not working for me for money) with them. So we do our own laundry, and we've taught our kids to do their own.

My husband and I did the above process, and it wound up that he'd prefer to cook 5 nights a week instead of some of the things I do. He never would have agreed to do that if he didn't see how much I do, and how much he does, in this systematic way. I hate cooking, so this works for me. (And in the meantime, on my dinner night, I put a lot more effort and care into what I make because it's special.) Now the boys each have a dinner night, so he cooks 3 nights a week, I cook 1, and the boys (3 of them) each have one. But on two of the boys' nights, he supervises, I don't.

We're both pretty evenly matched on general effort level and comfort zone with how conscientious we are about our house. We like a pretty tight ship, and we're both willing to work to maintain it, provided the other is working as well. You have to get on the same page about how much you want to let slide, or not. And of course it helps that we get pro help 1X a week (but our place might be larger than yours and there are 5 mess makers instead of 2 around).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,993 Posts
I'm going to have my wife read the OP, because it will make my procrastination with a few things look like nothing. :laughing:

But seriously, @islandlight I can see your frustration. I can see my wife's, but at the same time she's much more task oriented, so she's come to accept that I will run a little behind her in when things need to get done. However, I will do it and depending how busy one or the other is, we will pick up the slack for each other.

If one cooks, usually the other one cleans up, we do our own laundry. I'm better at cleaning up if the dog has an accident so if I'm around, I do that. I do the outside stuff usually. My wife will vacuum and dust most of the time. We split the cleaning of the 2 bathrooms usually. Really, she does a little more housework, because again she's more task oriented, and notices things I don't but I don't slack too much.

Hope things go well in the discussion. I'm not a fan of the appointed meeting and pen and paper approach, but that's just because it would feel even more like work then. I'd go more with the oral, "dude, I'm your woman not your slave, let's be in this together" type approach. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,435 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I appreciate the time that you all took to read and reply to my long post.

It sounds like you have different tolerance levels for work. You said once (or twice) that you like doing things for your man, and it doesn't sound like he likes doing things...at all?
He does like doing decorative stuff, which is not really what I want, but it shows that he does like doing stuff. Also, yesterday we ran out of propane, and without saying anything he took the tank to the refill station and a couple of hours later he went to pick it up. We don't have a car, so this was quite an undertaking. So I'm beginning to understand that he likes errands rather than housework. That still won't fill the bill. . . . Maybe I need to make him take responsibility for laundry, since the washing machine is elsewhere on the property, and I already know he's fine with hanging it up.

The first thing I'd do is make an appointment to discuss chores. With paper and pen. Seriously, sitting down. I'd make sure he knows this means a great deal to you, and if he's disinterested, that's a real problem to begin with.

But assuming all goes well with the appointment process, first, I'd make a list of all the chores you can both think of.

Then I'd rate the chores on a 1-5 scale on which you each, personally, hate the most.

My husband and I once did something similar, and we also assigned a time value to the chores.

Then you decide what's fair in terms of an even split according to preferences and aversions.

Keep in mind, people's body clocks are different, so if he's going to vacuum, he might prefer to do it at night. Are you okay with that? At any rate, agree to when it's done, but be flexible and work together on that.

I would steer clear of the "my mess, your mess" bit because that can get petty in short order.
Thanks! We did this today. I guess it took about half an hour to brainstorm the tasks, estimate the times/frequencies, and divvy it all up.

We didn't do the 1-5 rating; it was pretty clear who was more inclined to do what. In some cases we had to humor each other a bit about how much time it actually takes to do something, or how much the other person was really going to do. I was surprised at how much he actually already does, and most of that is stuff I don't want to do.

Rather than deciding on a set time of day for each chore, I think we'll just try to follow the parameters (daily, weekly, etc.)--maybe with a checklist on the fridge, at least at first.

Of course we drew our lines in different places than you did re laundry and cooking, etc., and there was no "my mess, your mess." That was just the desperation talking! Thank you--I think this will work out.

I'm going to have my wife read the OP, because it will make my procrastination with a few things look like nothing. :laughing:

But seriously, @islandlight I can see your frustration. I can see my wife's, but at the same time she's much more task oriented, so she's come to accept that I will run a little behind her in when things need to get done. However, I will do it and depending how busy one or the other is, we will pick up the slack for each other.

If one cooks, usually the other one cleans up, we do our own laundry. I'm better at cleaning up if the dog has an accident so if I'm around, I do that. I do the outside stuff usually. My wife will vacuum and dust most of the time. We split the cleaning of the 2 bathrooms usually. Really, she does a little more housework, because again she's more task oriented, and notices things I don't but I don't slack too much.
Please feel free to show my list of complaints to your wife! Sounds like the two of you didn't really have to figure things out formally, that they just kind of worked out by themselves, which is great.


Hope things go well in the discussion. I'm not a fan of the appointed meeting and pen and paper approach, but that's just because it would feel even more like work then. I'd go more with the oral, "dude, I'm your woman not your slave, let's be in this together" type approach. Good luck!
Share this post with him and take it from there.
Thank you for these suggestions. He already knows that I think I do more than my share. But mostly he either (a) promises to do better, and doesn't follow through, or (b) apologizes and cries about how useless he is. I don't need that--I need to get things done!

When I was learning to organize my own time and so on, I had to be patient with myself. Even now I recognize that sometimes I only accomplish half of what I thought I'd do. So I'll have to try to be patient with him too.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,435 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Sched.jpg

This is on the fridge now. He's R and I'm L; RL means either that we take turns or we do it together. I can already see how it might need to be changed as we go along, but it's a start.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,444 Posts
View attachment 751185

This is on the fridge now. He's R and I'm L; RL means either that we take turns or we do it together. I can already see how it might need to be changed as we go along, but it's a start.
You mean the way he has a lot more minutes than you do? :pirate:

Also, please enlighten me, because I don't have one: how does turning on a Roomba/robot vac turn into 60 minutes of "work"?
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,435 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Yes, but he insisted. I have to accept that he isn't really going to do that much!

Re robot vac: It's a small house, and a lot of things need to be moved out of the way before the vac is let loose. Robot vacuum day also includes shaking out the mats, taking out the garbage, and other tasks. Also, someone needs to be present the whole time, because the thing always gets hung up somewhere and needs to be rescued/restarted. I've had the robot vac for several years and it really does involve a lot of work, but it does a better job than the regular vacuum cleaner (shop vac), and I hate the noise and physical act of regular vacuuming (but it's still necessary for closets, corners, etc.).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
Well, the most convenient way to find a solution would be... to have him read what you posted here opening this thread with, wouldn't it?

Also: living in different places will obviate and neutralize a long string of issues.
 
  • Like
Reactions: islandlight

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,250 Posts
My general thoughts when reading the thread:

He's certainly more P than you for household chores. I'm a lot like him - I have a higher than typical tolerance for mess at home. I will not neglect chores forever, but I will postpone them until I'm fed up with the mess or suddenly inspired to clean up. Either takes a while. My wife is ISFJ, so the result is that I don't do any chores around the house - she's has zero tolerance for derailing of the house routines.

I also prefer doing things together, but I've noticed that in practice this means doing them together my way. Which means having my wife around to keep me company and do this or that for me rather than both of us working side by side. This never actually works and now that I'm thinking about it, it is quite clear why - I myself would not be willing to be bossed around like that.

When I was reading OP I was beginning to feel useless myself as I'm very similar, but then I read the post about the talk and I wasn't at all surprised that he was doing a lot of things that went unnoticed. I also have this magic ability to get things done without people noticing and I'm only vaguely aware these things, until my usefulness is challenged. But while I'm completely useless with daily household chores, there are things around the house that just work and as far as my wife is aware they just magically maintain themselves in working order.

I don't mind being more involved in chores as a principle, but the only way this would happen realistically is with serious bargaining and clear commitments. I think that's your best strategy with your ISTP too - bargain with him with your cards open - let him know what burdens you and he will either relieve you of these things or help you with them. For example if my wife didn't want to do my laundry I would totally do it myself. On my own whim. Same with cooking, same with cleaning. But if I'm to do things her way, I'll surely ask her to do some things my way in return.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,082 Posts
My boyfriend is super nice and super intelligent
ah huh. men have no problem with taking and not giving. it's not a reflection of selfishness or love, it's just how men are. They also need to be asked to do something more than once. If you only ask once and they forget and it doesn't get done, you obviously didn't want it done all that bad. You seem to be training him to ignore your first requests at things actually, you keep doing his shit after he doesn't do it. That's rewarding his laziness...

To me, it’s just common sense that if the house is full of smoke, greasy air, and cooking smells, we need ventilation soon, not in several months.
You are being insanely arrogant. Stop assuming his standards are your standards, stop assuming your standards are right! You both obviously have different standards. Guess what? It's normal. Very very very very.... very... few people who live together have standards that are the same. There is always one person who picks up after the other, there is always one person who initiates sex, and there is always one person motivated way sooner than the other before a deadline. But... you're certainly not doing yourself any favours in trying to get him to do stuff. You're just terrible.

also... groaning at a task you remind him of is not him groaning at you. He actually does want to do it, but it's hard and annoying. He wants to do it though because... it makes you happy and probably gives him praise, and self esteem. if you never remind him, he won't get that happiness. So even if it seems like you're annoying him... you're not so do it anyway. seems like you're getting super annoyed at how complainy he is, it's not going to get any better so get used to it.


ISTP: The Psycho Vigilante

ISTPs are quiet, unassuming people, who tend to be mechanically gifted but withdrawn and reserved. ISTPs often need a great deal of personal space and "alone time," which may give others the impression that they are aloof; in reality, this time is necessary to hide their secret identities.

The typical ISTP leads a dual life; his outward reserve and quiet masks an inward seething rage at the injustice of life--often, the death of a loved one at the hands of a criminal. In this secret life, the ISTP uses his mechanical gifts to create a terrifying arsenal of bizarre weapons with which to strike fear into the heart of evil. Sometimes, ISTPs may become evil themselves, either slowly over a long period of time or in response to a perceived rejection from the very people they are trying to save.

RECREATION: ISTPs are happiest when they are building and constructing--either new weapons to smite their enemies, or new plots to destroy those who oppose them. They have a very industrial sense of aesthetics, and can spend hours absorbed in the appreciation of works of art such as a 1969 Hemi Cuda retrofitted with missile launchers and ejection seats.

COMPATIBILITY: ISTPs don't often get along well with their extroverted cousins, Evil Overlords and Mad Scientists. Instead, they prefer the company of INTPs, or perhaps their pets. Romantic relationships with ISTPs tend to be drawn-out, tragic affairs, filled with bitterness, longing, and teenage angst. The sex is usually pretty good, however.

Famous ISTPs include Spider-Man and Q.

https://www.xeromag.com/fun/personality.html
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,435 Posts
Discussion Starter #15 (Edited)
@gte, yes, it was good for me to see how much he actually does do. I hear what you're saying about bargaining. He just seems so good at weaseling out of things. I think we need to kind of go back to zero for some things. For example, if we each do our own laundry for a while, he might come up with his own suggestions about combining/trading off the task.


@knifey, I appreciate your insights and your forthright comments.

It wasn't just the smoky house. It was the smoky house + me asking and reminding many times + him promising to do it and making a fool of me by involving me in his "plans" that went nowhere.

You are probably right that I'm "terrible" at dealing with or understanding men. Unfortunately, asking/telling someone more than once bothers me. It makes me feel like a nagging bitch, and that I'm wasting time talking instead of getting results.

The list of chores lasted about one day; he managed not do most of his responsibilities, e.g., by asking me to start the job, by postponing, by forgetting, and by misunderstanding (e.g., he said he'd go and get the laundry, and I went outside to do something else, and he took this to mean I was getting the laundry).

We had another blowup over all this. I've decided to only do what I feel like doing, e.g., no more cooking--cold food with minimum prep is fine with me, and he can cook what he wants, or not. (One interesting thing that came out of the conversations was that he doesn't like eggs--and here I was greasing up the house with bacon and eggs every morning.) And no more doing his laundry/trying to share laundry chores. I can do the vacuuming, because if I don't do things for him I'll have the energy to vacuum. @Eryngo pointed out that this is "petty," but I've reached the end of my rope.

I think this will balance out okay. He can continue doing some of the errands that he likes and I don't like, and I can continue doing the housework that he doesn't want to do. He is very sweet about helping me do some things, like making the bed. He seems to be good at doing things that are very immediate (like carrying groceries or banging in a loose nail), and at making grandiose plans/designs that probably won't come to fruition. Not much in between. Maybe I have to work with this and ask him to do more small things that can be done right away (take out garbage, etc.).

He thinks I should be the one to initiate sex, but that doesn't suit me.

I retired from my main job last month and will retire from my second job next week. I'm supposed to be enjoying life now, not stressing about housework and teenage angst.

I'm not breaking up with him. I'm just changing my expectations and taking responsibility for the things I need and want. Thanks, everyone!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,250 Posts
I think we need to kind of go back to zero for some things. For example, if we each do our own laundry for a while, he might come up with his own suggestions about combining/trading off the task.
Go for it. It's a useful exercise.

You are probably right that I'm "terrible" at dealing with or understanding men. Unfortunately, asking/telling someone more than once bothers me. It makes me feel like a nagging bitch, and that I'm wasting time talking instead of getting results.
I have my serious doubts about @knifey's massive generalisations, but I can totally relate to hating to repeat myself. Yet my ISFJ wife has this amazing patience and ability to keep repeating/reminding without nagging. And it works with me. I can be so absentminded in some regards that I can compete with Ni doms. In these cases repeated reminders are absolutely required to get me to do something and they don't annoy me the slightest. If you can master the ability to repeat and remind without becoming frustrated (I know how hard it is), you might be able to get him to do more.

We had another blowup over all this. I've decided to only do what I feel like doing, e.g., no more cooking--cold food with minimum prep is fine with me, and he can cook what he wants, or not.
I actually think that this is a very fair approach and there's nothing petty about it. You are not his servant and he isn't your servant. You should both do for each other only the things you enjoy to do voluntarily and the things that don't burden you. And if either one wants something that burdens the other, then they have to offer something valuable in return. That's only fair isn't it? I don't believe he'll have a problem with it.

He thinks I should be the one to initiate sex, but that doesn't suit me.
Now, this is a strange one. What's his reasoning behind this? Full disclosure - my wife is the one that initiates sex 9/10 times, but that's because I got sick and tired of hearing "not now", "not here", "it's too late", "I'm too tired"... I'll stop here, but the list keeps going on and on. In the end I decided that the costs of me initiating significantly outweigh the benefits. Obviously there are many other possibilities, but that's a topic that you should seriously discuss. I highly suspect that his reasons are emotional, so if I were you I wouldn't be satisfied with any explanation (rationalisation) that left me scratching my head.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,435 Posts
Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
He thinks I should be the one to initiate sex, but that doesn't suit me.
Now, this is a strange one. What's his reasoning behind this? Full disclosure - my wife is the one that initiates sex 9/10 times, but that's because I got sick and tired of hearing "not now", "not here", "it's too late", "I'm too tired"... I'll stop here, but the list keeps going on and on. In the end I decided that the costs of me initiating significantly outweigh the benefits. Obviously there are many other possibilities, but that's a topic that you should seriously discuss. I highly suspect that his reasons are emotional, so if I were you I wouldn't be satisfied with any explanation (rationalisation) that left me scratching my head.
In any relationship, I've never said no to sex without a very good and temporary reason, e.g., it will make me late for work, or I'm recovering from surgery. Even when it was painful (because of health reasons) I made it my responsibility to find ways to make it possible and to improve my condition.

I like sex and I'm fine with initiating sex, but, like you, in the current relationship I'm tired of the rejection and excuses and promises. We've discussed sex many times, and his suggestion that I should initiate just seems like another excuse, because like all the other things we've discussed, it doesn't work. I agree (and I think he agrees) that his reasons are at least partly emotional, but I'm no psychologist, and I don't know the details about his past life that might have led to this.

With housework and with sex, my frustration comes mostly from the excuses, the "later" that never happens, etc. I think for now I need to just be glad about the positive aspects of the relationship. I'll change my expectations and do what I can--unless it really begins to drive me nuts.


Thank you also for the other suggestions and comments. Somehow I don't think I'll ever develop the habit of repeatedly reminding someone; it just goes against every fiber of my being. Sure, we all forget things and need to be reminded once in a while, and I did find that repeated reminders were a good way to get bad clients to pay me, but then I'd refuse to work with those people again, and it wasn't personal. Doing it on a daily basis in a personal relationship would be too hard for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,082 Posts
@gte, yes, it was good for me to see how much he actually does do. I hear what you're saying about bargaining. He just seems so good at weaseling out of things. I think we need to kind of go back to zero for some things. For example, if we each do our own laundry for a while, he might come up with his own suggestions about combining/trading off the task.
I don't know why you would feel bad about this. You're not his owner, if you don't want to do stuff for him then don't. Cook enough for yourself and eat it and not involve him. Wash your own clothes on your own schedule. I've been married a few years and I would still do it... not my job to do everything for anybody else. If I want to do things just for myself then fine. Why would I feel guilty.

@knifey, I appreciate your insights and your forthright comments.
well... if you're an INTP you can take undiluted facts without crying or getting so offended you stop listening to my points.

It wasn't just the smoky house. It was the smoky house + me asking and reminding many times + him promising to do it and making a fool of me by involving me in his "plans" that went nowhere.
Yeah he totally made a fool out of you. You believed he would do it in a reasonable time, judging by history you would have to be an idiot to believe him. Why do you keep doing it?

You are probably right that I'm "terrible" at dealing with or understanding men. Unfortunately, asking/telling someone more than once bothers me.
Well then don't ask him to do anything. Problem solved. (Also the only way to solve the problem). Otherwise get over it. Everybody does shit that bothers them, it's called interacting with others.

The list of chores lasted about one day; he managed not do most of his responsibilities, e.g., by asking me to start the job, by postponing, by forgetting, and by misunderstanding (e.g., he said he'd go and get the laundry, and I went outside to do something else, and he took this to mean I was getting the laundry).
If you're giving him responsibilities... you're not equals anymore. You're turning into his mum. Just look after yourself, do shit without him. If it's something for both of you, ask if he thinks something is worth doing and if he says yes, do it yourself and present him with a bill for 50% of the item cost. This guy doesn't give a shit about anything. It's up to you, stop trying to make him care about stuff he doesn't. That's kind of what a nagging bitch is.

We had another blowup over all this. I've decided to only do what I feel like doing, e.g., no more cooking--cold food with minimum prep is fine with me, and he can cook what he wants, or not. (One interesting thing that came out of the conversations was that he doesn't like eggs--and here I was greasing up the house with bacon and eggs every morning.) And no more doing his laundry/trying to share laundry chores. I can do the vacuuming, because if I don't do things for him I'll have the energy to vacuum. @Eryngo pointed out that this is "petty," but I've reached the end of my rope.
nothing petty about it... if he doesn't want to contribute to the work that needs to be done for the two of you, then just do your own. It's a very simple premise. He will probably like it, because it's so much less work than keeping up with your standards.

I think this will balance out okay. He can continue doing some of the errands that he likes and I don't like, and I can continue doing the housework that he doesn't want to do. He is very sweet about helping me do some things, like making the bed. He seems to be good at doing things that are very immediate (like carrying groceries or banging in a loose nail), and at making grandiose plans/designs that probably won't come to fruition. Not much in between. Maybe I have to work with this and ask him to do more small things that can be done right away (take out garbage, etc.).

He thinks I should be the one to initiate sex, but that doesn't suit me.
then don't have sex. Problem solved. The person who wants it, should initiate when they want it. It shouldn't need to be talked about. Whoever wants to reject sex when they want to reject it also gets to. Why is there even an issue. If you want sex once a month and he wants it once every 6 months then guess what, you're the initiator.

I'm not breaking up with him. I'm just changing my expectations and taking responsibility for the things I need and want. Thanks, everyone!
good for you... that's reasonable.

edit: also, it is not unreasonable to need to "motivate" each other, aka manipulate. Everybody does it to everybody, it doesn't need to be to a bad/evil degree. You need to learn each others enneagram type (main motivation). You need to know what motivates him shame, or rage, or fear. There is no good sending a type 9 subtle hints that keep his surroundings tranquil and relaxed for instance, he just... will never be motivated to move ever. Sounds like you have some type 2 in you... so good luck with that. There is an enneagram side to this forum... personally I've found typing best done via google.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,435 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
@knifey, thanks, I think you're right about everything.

The reason I keep believing what he says is that I believe what people say. Silly me; I don't get why anyone would BS me, especially if they're nice people who care about me. From now on, as far as he's concerned I'll believe what I see with my own eyes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,082 Posts
@knifey, thanks, I think you're right about everything.

The reason I keep believing what he says is that I believe what people say. Silly me; I don't get why anyone would BS me, especially if they're nice people who care about me. From now on, as far as he's concerned I'll believe what I see with my own eyes.
well... that is a life lesson all INTP's eventually learn. so good I guess. Though it would be a mistake to think people who don't do what they say, say it with the intention to not do it. That's extremely black&white and not how people work. He probably has the best of intentions, he wants to do the thing he says he will do, he just doesn't actually care about that thing. He's only saying it to make you happy, which is nice and altruistic. But it really doesn't matter if they are selfish or altruistic if they lack any motivation and never do anything one way or the other.

In the bible when it says not to judge each other, it's not talking about determining if actions people do are right and wrong. It's actually talking about judging their motivation. You can not know why somebody does or doesn't do something. As soon as you start guessing others motivations you are going to have a really bad time lol.

Do not be annoyed at him for forgetting what he says yes to, just take note of what you can and cannot rely on him for and live your life accordingly. If you do this, there will be no disappointments and you will have more time not being so annoyed, so you can actually have fun together.
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top