Moving in with boyfriend (+ parents + sister)

125 Views 6 Replies 6 Participants Last post by Usernamexd, Oct 23, 2017

Usernamexd

Discussion Starter · Oct 23, 2017

Hi.

So. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. Everything's great, it's been two years, we're waiting the third and then, we'll think about moving in together. Most of the time he's the one who comes and we see each other every two weeks for two/three days.

He's living far away from me (700 km away), which means that if I do move in with him, I'd be far from everything I know. I don't like the city he lives in as well, but for professional reasons, there's no other options for him. I don't have big dreams or projects, so I'm fine with moving away.

His parents are getting old (his father is going to be 70 soon), so he told me they were probably going to take a house with credit or to rent a new appartement with his sister as well. I totally get the fact that he wants to be next to his family and doesn't want to put his parents in a nursing home, but... It's like I don't have a say in this or to have an opinion. A week ago he was like " yes, maybe in three years we'll be in Paris with three dogs ", and now

I never said anything about his decision and just tried to make things smoother cause he has some problems with his sister so I help him with those when I can, but yes, I'm a bit lost here.

I'm kind of freaked out, cause everytime I went there I felt trapped, with no place to be alone or just with him actually, it was really an oppressing feeling, when he was away I was staying in his room unmoving cause I didn't want to annoy them

. If I move there, it's already a big step, but this. Yeah, I don't know. I tried to reassure myself by looking for some point of views on internet, and those weren't reassuring at all.

Do you have some advices ?

Did you or someone you know have had to move on at some point with stepmother/father while moving in with your partner ? How did it go ?

Cause long distance relationships aren't easy, we don't want to stay forever away from each other. But I wish I wouldn't have to choose between this and him + his parents + his sister.

I like them really though and I know that if I do move in, when they grow old, I'll help him with them the best I can, it's just that it wouldn't be temporary and all of our intimacy would go away completely (and if that is your question, no, we don't intend to have children, at least not so soon).

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And1

· #2 · Oct 23, 2017

This is a huge change for you. You are right to have concerns. I would encourage you to speak of those concerns with him. Your obviously nervous and hesitant about this, and only he can truly make you feel at peace about it, or give you a reason not to go through with it. If you haven't lived together yet, jumping into that situation with his family under one roof would really push your relationship through a fire. I think only you two would really know if it'd burn it up or make it stronger. Wish you good fortune and happiness for the future!

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changos

· #3 · Oct 23, 2017

Usernamexd said:
Do you have some advices?

Thanks for sharing and posting the situation and specially how you feel, I see a lot of details there, important ones. My only advice would be for you to read your own post, take the time, in fact you might want to think on something else for a while and then come back and read it as if the post wasn't yours. It says a lot, doesn't sound good, doesn't look right, looks like a terrible situation to walk in.

Anyone will have an opinion. Mine in general is avoid any relationships during periods of transition, like parent ill, "soon to die", recently died, etc. That's not good, why? I could write a lot and sure I would bore you but the heart and mind have their own limits. Besides you would be walking in a prision, that's what it looks like to me. Among other things that I could say... many times when people have such problems, newcomers end up walking in and having responsibilities (extra) waiting for them, specially to take care of the ill person or to compensate something.

Oh yes been there, and no my opinion doesn't come from the one and only thing, it comes from many. You would be walking into a complex relationship, but not exactly a love relationship. Lot's of red flags there.

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Kynx

· #4 · Oct 23, 2017

Living together with parents can be very difficult. If you've already experienced feelings of oppression, the sense of feeling trapped and discomfort while visiting, then I would suggest you don't move in with him under those circumstances. I've lived with my partner and parents (mine or his) on 3 different occasions (both in their homes and in my home), it always created problems. Some people seem to be able to do it long term, but I have no idea how they make it work.

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Red Panda

· #5 · Oct 23, 2017

If you are going to move to a different city entirely it might be best to do so on your own and later have him move in too.
OR if the parent/sister thing is unavoidable then do it for a LIMITED time until you are settled in and able to move out with him to your own place. But I am much more supportive of the 1st option. Moving in with someone is a huge deal because you experience what they are like in ways you could never before, having the parents and siblings of that person can mix things up and create a huge mess and potentially ruin the relationship that would be fine otherwise.

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entheos

· #6 · Oct 23, 2017

Agree with everything everyone said so far.

It's one thing to already be in an established partnership where you've been living with your partner for a while/relatively long time, where you already know each other's ticks and know each other's spaces etc etc etc, and then have an in-law move in. That's one thing.

But it's another thing entirely to be in a situation where you and your SO haven't lived together properly, and you're jumping into living with the in-laws. Most worrisome is the fact that you already felt terrible while visiting. If visiting feels like that, then moving in completely will be... well, I would venture to say it will probably destroy your relationship.

I think you need a place of your own. So either get your own place separate from the in-laws, but close enough so your SO can access them easily, or think of the living situation as only temporary, with the plan to have your own place asap.

You say that you feel you don't have a say in this. From my own opinion, it's both: you do and you don't. You do in the sense that you can have clear boundaries that you won't live under the same roof as the in-laws, and come up with a plan B with your partner. At the same time, you "don't" in the sense that if your partner wants to take care of his father, then you have to respect this. I put myself in his shoes, and if my parents were ill, I would definitely want to take care of them, but also I would be extremely careful of my partner's boundaries, and I wouldn't impose my parents on my partner, so I would look for an arrangement that works for everyone. Your partner can't force you to move in with your in-laws, that's your life, your mental well-being and your decision.

It's very nice of you that you want to be supportive, and you are choosing to stay quiet in all of this, because you think this is the best way to support. But don't stay quiet, you have to express what you're thinking, and there has to be a plan B. If you stay quiet, you are planting a bomb in the core of your relationship and tic toc tic toc eventually it will drive you to the edge and explode. You can communicate nicely and be supportive while setting boundaries, all at the same time.

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Usernamexd

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 23, 2017

@And1 Thank you for your answer. I just sent him a text to know what his priorities are but I think it's his parents which would be totally normal and what I'm doing if I say no is put an ultimatum and make him choose between his parents and me, and I'm not that kind of person and I know what his choice will be so... I don't know.

UPDATE : I just got him on the phone. He meant to stay close to his family, which wouldn't be a problem at all, like 500 meters away from them for example. It doesn't scare me that much because it'd mean that we could have intimacy and take care of them as well. I know it would be hard though, but that showed me - again - that we have real good communication, so I'm relieved. Thank you very, very very much for all of your answers though. He also talked about the fact that I may not be ready for Paris yet, and I think he may be right. So we're just going to take our time and see how it goes.

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