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Hi.

So. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. Everything's great, it's been two years, we're waiting the third and then, we'll think about moving in together. Most of the time he's the one who comes and we see each other every two weeks for two/three days.

He's living far away from me (700 km away), which means that if I do move in with him, I'd be far from everything I know. I don't like the city he lives in as well, but for professional reasons, there's no other options for him. I don't have big dreams or projects, so I'm fine with moving away.

His parents are getting old (his father is going to be 70 soon), so he told me they were probably going to take a house with credit or to rent a new appartement with his sister as well. I totally get the fact that he wants to be next to his family and doesn't want to put his parents in a nursing home, but... It's like I don't have a say in this or to have an opinion. A week ago he was like " yes, maybe in three years we'll be in Paris with three dogs ", and now :unsure: I never said anything about his decision and just tried to make things smoother cause he has some problems with his sister so I help him with those when I can, but yes, I'm a bit lost here.

I'm kind of freaked out, cause everytime I went there I felt trapped, with no place to be alone or just with him actually, it was really an oppressing feeling, when he was away I was staying in his room unmoving cause I didn't want to annoy them . If I move there, it's already a big step, but this. Yeah, I don't know. I tried to reassure myself by looking for some point of views on internet, and those weren't reassuring at all.

Do you have some advices ?

Did you or someone you know have had to move on at some point with stepmother/father while moving in with your partner ? How did it go ?

Cause long distance relationships aren't easy, we don't want to stay forever away from each other. But I wish I wouldn't have to choose between this and him + his parents + his sister. I like them really though and I know that if I do move in, when they grow old, I'll help him with them the best I can, it's just that it wouldn't be temporary and all of our intimacy would go away completely (and if that is your question, no, we don't intend to have children, at least not so soon). :rolleyes:
 

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Is he looking to be near his parents, or living in the same house/apartment as his parents?

If near - I think all will be fine. If the same house/apartment - that is very hard... you are right, you will live with all the family, and there will be much less intimacy. Maybe you could consider townhomes in the same neighborhood, instead, or apartments on different floors of the same building. That way you could be close by but still have the intimacy that I feel like is incredibly important as a young couple.

My best advice is talk to him about your concerns. Worst come to worst, you could give it a try. I think he would soon find that living in the same home as his family is challenging.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Is he looking to be near his parents, or living in the same house/apartment as his parents?

If near - I think all will be fine. If the same house/apartment - that is very hard... you are right, you will live with all the family, and there will be much less intimacy. Maybe you could consider townhomes in the same neighborhood, instead, or apartments on different floors of the same building. That way you could be close by but still have the intimacy that I feel like is incredibly important as a young couple.

My best advice is talk to him about your concerns. Worst come to worst, you could give it a try. I think he would soon find that living in the same home as his family is challenging.
Gosh. I didn't expect that much of negative point of views. Living in the same house/appartement. The thing is that his parents are going to stop working for good so there wouldn't be enough money to pay for two appartements/houses, which is why he turns to this option. There is a possibility that they may go to live in Morocco but I don't think this is a suitable option for them, cause they'd be far from their children and if they have health issues I don't know how they would take care of them. But thank you really for your answer. I just sent him a text to know what he thinks and what his priorities are. But I think in his head " good if she's here, and too bad if she's not ", and I'm well aware of that, and it's okay.
 

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Gosh. I didn't expect that much of negative point of views. Living in the same house/appartement. The thing is that his parents are going to stop working for good so there wouldn't be enough money to pay for two appartements/houses, which is why he turns to this option. There is a possibility that they may go to live in Morocco but I don't think this is a suitable option for them, cause they'd be far from their children and if they have health issues I don't know how they would take care of them. But thank you really for your answer. I just sent him a text to know what he thinks and what his priorities are. But I think in his head " good if she's here, and too bad if she's not ", and I'm well aware of that, and it's okay.
Well, I'm glad to provide some input.

The one thing I should probably point out is that I am from a culture where it is not normal for extended families to live together. So if he is - maybe he sees it differently. In my culture the expected pattern is for children to stay with parents up to until they get married and then to move into a new home with their spouse, and then any children they have would live with them until marriage, and so on. But there are cultures where generations of families live happily under the same roof.

So it's not that I don't think that it's that it can't be done. It is just not something that I am familiar with personally and I don't think it's something I would want to have for myself, at least, not until I have children of my own. I just got married this summer and I feel like my husband and I are learning a lot about each other by living together alone. We're learning boundaries, comforts, how to build a life together. For me, this is important, especially if we're going to have kids in the future. I want to be in a strong 1-to-1 bond with him and this is building it. But just because this is my way doesn't mean it's the only way, of course. Maybe you could try to see if anyone you know does live in a multigenerational household, and get their opinion on it. You can google "multigenerational home", too. I just did and have gotten a lot of information.

I do want to say that if my parents were in that position - getting old and having health problems, and not having enough money to pay for a separate home - then I would want to take care of them, too. (Plus, decent assisted living where I live costs as much as in-home care.) Ideally I would have enough money to be able to have either connected apartments, a duplex home, or a mother-daughter home - so that we could have some privacy as well as some shared spaces. So maybe you can talk with him about that as well. I would imagine he is feeling somewhat stressed about the situation, himself.
 

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Well, I'm glad to provide some input.

The one thing I should probably point out is that I am from a culture where it is not normal for extended families to live together. So if he is - maybe he sees it differently. In my culture the expected pattern is for children to stay with parents up to until they get married and then to move into a new home with their spouse, and then any children they have would live with them until marriage, and so on. But there are cultures where generations of families live happily under the same roof.

So it's not that I don't think that it's that it can't be done. It is just not something that I am familiar with personally and I don't think it's something I would want to have for myself, at least, not until I have children of my own. I just got married this summer and I feel like my husband and I are learning a lot about each other by living together alone. We're learning boundaries, comforts, how to build a life together. For me, this is important, especially if we're going to have kids in the future. I want to be in a strong 1-to-1 bond with him and this is building it. But just because this is my way doesn't mean it's the only way, of course. Maybe you could try to see if anyone you know does live in a multigenerational household, and get their opinion on it. You can google "multigenerational home", too. I just did and have gotten a lot of information.

I do want to say that if my parents were in that position - getting old and having health problems, and not having enough money to pay for a separate home - then I would want to take care of them, too. (Plus, decent assisted living where I live costs as much as in-home care.) Ideally I would have enough money to be able to have either connected apartments, a duplex home, or a mother-daughter home - so that we could have some privacy as well as some shared spaces. So maybe you can talk with him about that as well. I would imagine he is feeling somewhat stressed about the situation, himself.
Thank you again for your answer, it's nice to have another point of view. Cultures are present in our case, he's a muslim and I see that he wants to play this part of taking care of his parents no matter what. He's been stressed lately because of that and because of the fact that it's been four years and his parents haven't taken a decision yet about moving, that's why he wanted to speed the process, but we talked and we agreed that they should talk about it on their own before he finishes police school.

I've had him on the phone yesterday and talked to him about all of this, and I was so relieved. We both think I'm not ready yet to go live in Paris for now (cause it's Paris), and he told me he didn't mean to live really with his parents, but close to them (less than a kilometer but hey :laughing:). He feels the same about the fact that we wouldn't have any private space/time. This was the hardest part of the thing, not to have a home or intimacy, so it's good. I totally understand that he will put them forward which is normal and more than fine, and he talked about dogs again so :drooling: . Kiddings aside, I'm relieved. Thank you very much. And yes, I totally agree about the parents part.
 

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Thank you again for your answer, it's nice to have another point of view. Cultures are present in our case, he's a muslim and I see that he wants to play this part of taking care of his parents no matter what. He's been stressed lately because of that and because of the fact that it's been four years and his parents haven't taken a decision yet about moving, that's why he wanted to speed the process, but we talked and we agreed that they should talk about it on their own before he finishes police school.

I've had him on the phone yesterday and talked to him about all of this, and I was so relieved. We both think I'm not ready yet to go live in Paris for now (cause it's Paris), and he told me he didn't mean to live really with his parents, but close to them (less than a kilometer but hey :laughing:). He feels the same about the fact that we wouldn't have any private space/time. This was the hardest part of the thing, not to have a home or intimacy, so it's good. I totally understand that he will put them forward which is normal and more than fine, and he talked about dogs again so :drooling: . Kiddings aside, I'm relieved. Thank you very much. And yes, I totally agree about the parents part.
Hey great!!! I am so glad to hear that. Best wishes to both of you and his family in the future!!!
 
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