[chiagirl27]

Yeah, so this is a first for me.

I'm 37 years old. I was with my ex husband for ten years. I've had relationships before. Not a whole LOT of relationships, and most of them were extremely short-lived (4-6 months was my average, aside from the husband who was ISTP, so extremely easy to deal with). But I've always been the dumper. I have never gotten out of a relationship that I wasn't fully ready to be done with. The worst breakup I had before this one, I cried for like an hour, and then went out with a friend, got super drunk, got hit on, felt sexy, and the next day I was FINE.

I'm on day five of crying. Crying. About this breakup. I wasn't ready for it to end. And, can I just tell you... this is weird. It's really messing with my head. I don't do this. I don't get emotionally attached. I guess more importantly - I've never lost anything I really wanted to hold on to.

So, I don't know. I guess this is sort of a cry for help. I'm not exactly sure how to move myself past this grief/self-loathing stage. I'm so angry at myself for losing the relationship (and yeah, I get that it takes two to tango and all that shit). I really actually felt like this guy was The Guy, and it was so exciting - I've never, ever felt that way before. `

Is it because I'm getting older and more desirous of a real partnership with someone? Maybe that's it. Maybe I can chalk it up to lots of pent up hopes and dreams that all got shattered with this guy. I feel like I need to move on to anger or something, so I can stop kicking myself and crying. I barely recognize myself lately. I am not digging this at all.

If any of you have experienced a real relationship loss, can you give me some tips on how you managed to move on from the worst part of the breakup aftermath? I'm afraid with my reclusive nature and my tendency to obsess and think way too much, I'll just get stuck here and get comfortable with the sadness and over-analyzing.

Thanks. :blushed:

 

[Capsicum]

I can't speak from personal experience, but a friend of mine went through what you're going through. The relationship was much shorter but the crying and so on went on for a while, this is what she did:

Find a friend to dump it all on (which in her case was me :tongue: ).

Look at what went wrong in the relationship... and make sure it doesn't get repeated.

This is the best I can do. It's not much.

P.S. remember my friend is an ESFJ so your mileage may vary. :wink:

 

[AEIOU]

There isn't anything that anyone can say that will make it any better and there is nothing wrong with getting emotionally attached either, after all you're only human.
The only way to deal with it is to change your brain chemistry. They are working on a pill for it, but so far it has been rather elusive. Anyway, you can temporarily blunt your emotions with the usual alcohol and what not, but ultimately you'll have to deal with it. Believe it or not, some sun and exercise will help you tremendously. Don't allow yourself to curl up in a ball and retreat into yourself, get out and get on with life.
The only real cure (according to Helen Fisher the foremost expert on the chemistry of love) is to fall in love all over again with someone else, someone new.
I'm so sorry for your hurt, lost love. :sad:

Yeah, so this is a first for me.

I'm 37 years old. I was with my ex husband for ten years. I've had relationships before. Not a whole LOT of relationships, and most of them were extremely short-lived (4-6 months was my average, aside from the husband who was ISTP, so extremely easy to deal with). But I've always been the dumper. I have never gotten out of a relationship that I wasn't fully ready to be done with. The worst breakup I had before this one, I cried for like an hour, and then went out with a friend, got super drunk, got hit on, felt sexy, and the next day I was FINE.

I'm on day five of crying. Crying. About this breakup. I wasn't ready for it to end. And, can I just tell you... this is weird. It's really messing with my head. I don't do this. I don't get emotionally attached. I guess more importantly - I've never lost anything I really wanted to hold on to.

So, I don't know. I guess this is sort of a cry for help. I'm not exactly sure how to move myself past this grief/self-loathing stage. I'm so angry at myself for losing the relationship (and yeah, I get that it takes two to tango and all that shit). I really actually felt like this guy was The Guy, and it was so exciting - I've never, ever felt that way before. `

Is it because I'm getting older and more desirous of a real partnership with someone? Maybe that's it. Maybe I can chalk it up to lots of pent up hopes and dreams that all got shattered with this guy. I feel like I need to move on to anger or something, so I can stop kicking myself and crying. I barely recognize myself lately. I am not digging this at all.

If any of you have experienced a real relationship loss, can you give me some tips on how you managed to move on from the worst part of the breakup aftermath? I'm afraid with my reclusive nature and my tendency to obsess and think way too much, I'll just get stuck here and get comfortable with the sadness and over-analyzing.

Thanks. :blushed:

 

[Promethea]

Decide how/why it went wrong, and stop second guessing, coming up with new theories to dwell on. You need to decide once and for all: -this- is what happened. Those other thoughts.. the 'what if it was actually this.. that..' - trash them. You put it in a neat little package, label it, don't get lost in useless speculation or it will keep dragging you right down. That is your first step. In your gut, you know what did it in. Don't put all the blame on yourself, either. If you fucked up, learn from it. Its the best anyone can do. If he fucked up, well fuck him. Makes it easier to put him behind you.

Now, get rid of any way he has of contacting you, and get rid of any reminder of him. Strip it all away and put yourself on an island where he can't reach you. Change your email, phone number.. get rid of even the lotion that reminds you of him (for example).. or you will find yourself obsessively checking messages, and having objects and especially anything related to smell triggering your neurotransmitters to go into infatuation mode. Squash it. Wash the sheets, the pillows, get rid of his CDs.. What you will end up with is a safe place where there are no more triggers.

Do not even think about contacting him now.

Some visualization works too. Imagine yourself leaving behind an island that you both inhabited, imagine this in detail, you pack your belongings, you don't even tell him that you are leaving, there is nothing to say. You know its already over. You simply go. You board a ship, you sail across the ocean, your destination is a place he doesn't even know of. You are alone here, safe. (And I'm not saying hes been an abusive threat to you, but he -is- the source of your pain because of the breakup). Here you will start your new life. Visualize this as much as you need.

And this is what happens: If you go through these steps thoroughly and not screw up, you will find that slowly but steadily you can stop thinking about him.. for minutes first. Those minutes of relief will turn into hours of relief. Hours into days.. someday he is a distant memory and you will wonder why you were so emotionally invested in the first place.

I agree with what a previous poster said about brain chemistry. Thats what this kind of crushing love is. Your brain is actually going through withdrawal from him leaving. It will take a while to stabilize, but if you have any contact with him or anything to remind you of him, its like hitting a reset button! Don't.

I look at falling out of love like backing up, reversing the spell. There is a way into the mess, and there is a way out. Nipping it in the bud and moving along asap is the best. If you get into the cycle of hitting that reset button you could end up wasting a long time on something thats already -over-.

Edit: Also in agreement with exercise.. anything to keep yourself busy while you are going through this. Dwelling on the 'where did it go wrong' and 'what is he thinking/feeling' won't help a thing. Move along~

 

[ClarifiedMind]

You know, what AEIOU said is kinda right!

I broke up with my ex and I was all outta sorts about it. Really upset. I don't think I dumped one anyone about it...nah I didn't. I kept it to myself. But what I started doing was drowning my sorrows in a whole lot of partying, and a whole lot of drinking, it just made it worse. So soon after I stopped I met my now husband. I was so busy going out and doing things with him I didn't have the time to get all caught up thinking about my ex. Eventually I moved. I spoke to him a handful of times after our break up but it was pretty much over. So, meeting someone else definitely helped and I think if I didn't meet my husband we would have tried to make that relationship hobble along for another year. I thought my ex was the best person for me, and I was devastated that it ended. The reasons why we broke up was mostly my fault but also he had no backbone to stand up to me. When I was younger I was pretty reckless and he just let me get away with murder. If he would have stood up to me it probably would have never gotten out of control. I did a lot of testing people and pushing them to their limits...meh I was young. But I digress, the point is that our break up was the best thing that happened to both of us. I have a husband who is grounded and not a pushover and got rid a person how used him as a doormat. But at the time I would have never admitted/realized ANY of this...everything was his fault and I did nothing at that time lol.

So if you can, and I know it sounds impossible but shake it off and get on with getting on. And don't talk to him if you can help it!

 

[chiagirl27]

Thanks guys. Really. Every day gets a little better. Not much - barely perceptible, really. But... you know.

I have an out of state photo commission to shoot tomorrow - eight hours on the road (roundtrip) plus about 6 hours of shooting, so a nice 14-16 hour day of being away from home, working. And it's supposed to be a gorgeous day tomorrow.

Then, on Sunday I get my dog back from my ex husband, and my kid comes home for the week. So, it's inevitable - I have to put on a happy face more often than not - and the dog will definitely help. He's awesome when you need someone to just chill with. My kid, not so much :tongue: she's a six year old ESFP. I don't think "chill" is even IN her vocabulary.

I think getting busy again will make the days pass a lot quicker... and I do need to get back into working out, which I dropped not long ago because of all the traveling I was doing. And my daughter will definitely pull me outdoors so I can get some sunshine again. It's just too easy to sit at home, ignore the phone, never turn on the tv or music, and just think. It's my safe zone, right? Alone and in my head. But that's the absolute worst place for me to be right now. Stupid stupid stupid boyfriend. Fuck. I hate being weak.

OK. So tomorrow starts a new week (for me anyway), and I get to be on the road, in my car for most of the day (my happy place), so when I check back in Sunday I should be in a better spot.

Thanks again. It helps to know there are people around... even virtual people :blushed:

 

[ClarifiedMind]

My kid, not so much :tongue: she's a six year old ESFP. I don't think "chill" is even IN her vocabulary.:

I don't think chill is in ANY six year old's vocabulary! My daughter is almost five and she just talks non-stop about any and everything. One day she was talking to a little girl and when I went to collect my daughter I noticed the kid didn't even speak English. She was talking to her for a good 30 minutes.

 

[chiagirl27]

I don't think chill is in ANY six year old's vocabulary! My daughter is almost five and she just talks non-stop about any and everything. One day she was talking to a little girl and when I went to collect my daughter I noticed the kid didn't even speak English. She was talking to her for a good 30 minutes.

Hahahahaha, that's awesome!!!

Yeah, my daughter is about the same. I don't think she's stopped talking once in the last two years.


Edited to add: *I* was a chill six year old. I used to sit in my room taking my toys apart and reading the freaking almanac and looking at maps. I almost never spoke when I was a kid, unless I was completely comfortable in my environment - but we moved around a LOT (something like 72 different homes in my first 13 years of life - my mom was a bit of a gypsy), so I was rarely "comfortable in my environment".

 

[madhatter]

I was a chill kid, too. Give me my favorite toys, and I could sit and play for hours...and I often did. Or if my dad went to Murray's, he would take me along, and I would just chill in the cart, content just to be there. We've always had a close bond; I'm the only one of my siblings who really understands him.

 

[Functianalyst]

I don't think you have to worry too much Chia. From what I have read of your post, you're smart...., insightful..... His loss. It's a process and it will pass. Be careful during your vulnerable state however, it's during those times you can hook up with the wrong people.

 

[pinkrasputin]

Yeah, so this is a first for me.

I'm 37 years old. I was with my ex husband for ten years. I've had relationships before. Not a whole LOT of relationships, and most of them were extremely short-lived (4-6 months was my average, aside from the husband who was ISTP, so extremely easy to deal with). But I've always been the dumper. I have never gotten out of a relationship that I wasn't fully ready to be done with. The worst breakup I had before this one, I cried for like an hour, and then went out with a friend, got super drunk, got hit on, felt sexy, and the next day I was FINE.

I'm on day five of crying. Crying. About this breakup. I wasn't ready for it to end. And, can I just tell you... this is weird. It's really messing with my head. I don't do this. I don't get emotionally attached. I guess more importantly - I've never lost anything I really wanted to hold on to.

So, I don't know. I guess this is sort of a cry for help. I'm not exactly sure how to move myself past this grief/self-loathing stage. I'm so angry at myself for losing the relationship (and yeah, I get that it takes two to tango and all that shit). I really actually felt like this guy was The Guy, and it was so exciting - I've never, ever felt that way before. `

Is it because I'm getting older and more desirous of a real partnership with someone? Maybe that's it. Maybe I can chalk it up to lots of pent up hopes and dreams that all got shattered with this guy. I feel like I need to move on to anger or something, so I can stop kicking myself and crying. I barely recognize myself lately. I am not digging this at all.

If any of you have experienced a real relationship loss, can you give me some tips on how you managed to move on from the worst part of the breakup aftermath? I'm afraid with my reclusive nature and my tendency to obsess and think way too much, I'll just get stuck here and get comfortable with the sadness and over-analyzing.

Thanks. :blushed:

Hi Chia, I just had my "first" too. And it happened for the first time at the same age. And just consider us lucky. The people we've left have had to endure this pain.

Do you think perhaps in some ways you were the one to always break up first in order to avoid this pain? It truly sucks. You feel like your heart still wants to give and now they won't let you. It's not like when you break up with them. This time it's different and you start judging yourself, wondering why you weren't good enough, and keeping them on a pedestal because of it.

For me, I never felt anything like it. It wasn't me to not get over something. I was finally crushed. I couldn't move on. I had no choice but to mourn and self reflect. And this is where I've remained for almost a year. It's been very painful and life changing.

I don't agree that you should find someone new to get over this. Don't use another person to get over your pain. You have no idea where or who you will be when you come out of the other end of this. Rebounding dating will only set both of you up for a high potential of getting hurt. Are you sure you want to go through this pain again? Just bite the bullet this time and sit with some of this. You will grow from it and you will find things that you've never allowed yourself to discover from before. We can't always avoid pain.

At the beginning of this year (after my break up) and even now, friends and family are saying "Good for you! You are finally taking some time off of dating!" And I just look at them. It's really nothing I'm doing on purpose. For the first time I've been really crushed and couldn't move on. It was different this time. I took myself off of the "real world" dating market and have been hiding out on PerC. I've contemplated this whole time why my ex would do this. Why was I finally broken? Two men whom I dated previously did try to enter my life and told me they loved me after only 1-3 months after my break up. But there was nothing inside of me to give at that point. I had to tell them "no, I couldn't do it." That's when I knew I had really changed.

I think I've finally learned the lesson of quality rather than quantity. This hurts too much. I'm not doing this again unless it's really worth it. I also know without a doubt I have no problem being on my own and refuse to settle on anything less than my standard. I have to be careful. ENFPs are the most introverted extroverts. It's easy for me to isolate and stay there. But it gets too easy to stay in isolation mode too long.

During this year, I've completed 3 marathons and hung out with my running friends. They were looking out for me. I've accomplished new goals and ran longer distance. I also took care of a custody battle that I've been needing to forever. Even though there have been many times after my goals were accomplished, I wish my ex was standing by my side or at the finish line. But the fact that he wasn't there when I ran my 50 miler, the fact that my ex wasn't there when I finally won custody of my daughter, the fact that no one was beside me when I accomplished the dreams of a life time, no one those can be taken away from me. I did it all on my own. Yes, much of it was to get over the pain I was feeling inside. But it was such a healthy way to channel all my pain.

I also went into therapy to learn how to take care of just me again and get some support. This October 20, will be one year since the break up. I just moved to a new town with a fresh beginning. In many ways I'm proud of myself for not getting into another relationship immediately, but I think the shallow ways of my youth no longer work for me. I've had to stop and face the reality that I am human. My heart can break, but I can also get through it as tough as it is. I now can relate to you and everyone who has been through something like this. I am not "special", I am just part of the human race. Sometimes I live high, and sometimes there are extreme lows. But hopefully there will always be people who will support you through this.

I suggest doing all those things that you've always wanted to do. Routine was very important to me. So were my friends who made me go out when I didn't want to. But it is also okay to sit by yourself with this confusion and feelings and journal or whatever. Often the greatest amount of creativity happens at these times. I also like to help others when I'm in pain. It helps get me out of myself. That is another reason why this forum was so good for me. Good luck and PM me if you need to rant or anything. I'll be there. I understand. (Sorry ISTPs, I know you like shorter and more direct responses. :wink.

 

[Galldune]

I wish I understood this kind of stuff..I've never been in a real relationship...and I'm 27..If I was you Id count myself lucky to have at least found someone even for a limited time in this life.....everyday I'm reminded of my own mortality and the fact I'm alone...I don't know where I'm going with this but...just count yourself lucky you could be like me and never have found anyone..and be sick all the time.....sigh I probably didn't do much to help but...

 

[Linnifae]

I wish I understood this kind of stuff..I've never been in a real relationship...and I'm 27..If I was you Id count myself lucky to have at least found someone even for a limited time in this life.....everyday I'm reminded of my own mortality and the fact I'm alone...I don't know where I'm going with this but...just count yourself lucky you could be like me and never have found anyone..and be sick all the time.....sigh I probably didn't do much to help but...

Sick all the time? What's wrong? If you don't mind my ENFP nosiness.

 

[AEIOU]

I wish I understood this kind of stuff..I've never been in a real relationship...and I'm 27..If I was you Id count myself lucky to have at least found someone even for a limited time in this life.....everyday I'm reminded of my own mortality and the fact I'm alone...I don't know where I'm going with this but...just count yourself lucky you could be like me and never have found anyone..and be sick all the time.....sigh I probably didn't do much to help but...

Dude, you're an intelligent person. Fix the problem. Get a coach or sign up at a dating website like MATCH.com or CHEMISTRY.com etc. So what if you blow it at first, big deal. You'll learn from your mistakes and it will get better and better. Believe you me, there are plenty of girls looking to for a guy to get into a relationship with.
Don't act like you care, just live in the moment and take it all in. Get on the internet and start some dialog. Before long you'll have gained confidence. If you don't quite know what to say, look at what other men have written. I once signed up at a dating web site as a woman (fictitious name, temporary email) just so I could read what the other men had to say.

 

[PaintingThoreau]

Thanks guys. Really. Every day gets a little better. Not much - barely perceptible, really. But... you know.

I have an out of state photo commission to shoot tomorrow - eight hours on the road (roundtrip) plus about 6 hours of shooting, so a nice 14-16 hour day of being away from home, working. And it's supposed to be a gorgeous day tomorrow.

Then, on Sunday I get my dog back from my ex husband, and my kid comes home for the week. So, it's inevitable - I have to put on a happy face more often than not - and the dog will definitely help. He's awesome when you need someone to just chill with. My kid, not so much :tongue: she's a six year old ESFP. I don't think "chill" is even IN her vocabulary.

I think getting busy again will make the days pass a lot quicker... and I do need to get back into working out, which I dropped not long ago because of all the traveling I was doing. And my daughter will definitely pull me outdoors so I can get some sunshine again. It's just too easy to sit at home, ignore the phone, never turn on the tv or music, and just think. It's my safe zone, right? Alone and in my head. But that's the absolute worst place for me to be right now. Stupid stupid stupid boyfriend. Fuck. I hate being weak.

OK. So tomorrow starts a new week (for me anyway), and I get to be on the road, in my car for most of the day (my happy place), so when I check back in Sunday I should be in a better spot.

Thanks again. It helps to know there are people around... even virtual people :blushed:

Hey you are doing just fine and you are not weak - you just gave a crap and that was a good thing! You have to be in it to win it...and it is better than the alternative...having regrets because you didn't give yourself to the relationship.

BTW. I am going through post break up (2 months out now, from a year and a half relationship)...

So....at least in my opinion.....
a) right now you don't need to think too much about everything that happened and find the solutions who was wrong what you did, etc. Just look after yourself and strap yourself in for the rollercoaster ride. It is not pretty!! You can't see things in perspective yet as erupting emotional-brain-volcanos have a way of smothering the most logical thoughts in red hot painful lava and you can wake up the next day with a whole new terrain. You won't see the forest for the trees so try to just be zen about that part.

b) get the boundary line in the sand. Visualise a grave that you are standing next to. In it is a dead body. It's dead. Stand there a while, cry and scream at it but you can't wake the dead. As of the break up day, what he
1) thinks of you
2) thinks about
3) does with his life
4) who is in it...
are none of your business. And most important of all....the reverse for him with you! You are both on different paths now. You are free to do what you want.

xo

 

[Galldune]

Sick all the time? What's wrong? If you don't mind my ENFP nosiness.

Well..I'm diabetic(genetics.. not lifestyle) and Its getting worse..even though I go to the gym....i have complications from it....I'm following what the doctors say to do....sigh and its just getting worse....autonomic neuropathy...started a month or 2 ago....so my heart goes insane at times when it shouldn't...Retaining water to the point it hurts....sweating nonstop for no reason....and I feel like im going to throw up all the time....on top of all that im narcoleptic...sigh..meds don't do a thing..exercise/diet don't do a thing hell im only 220lbs and a good portion of it is muscle from being in the military and working out as much as i do now that im out......I'm almost to the point I'd rather not move all day and just let my narcolepsy take over.....In the game of life i was dealt a bad hand...*shrug*...If you saw me you wouldn't know I was having all these issues....because I either don't talk about them or I put on a fake smile..hell my roommate can't tell half the time.....this is why I'm reminded of my own mortality....every day....

 

[MissFixit]

I once signed up a a dating web site as a woman (fictitious name, temporary email) just so I could read what the other men had to say.

This really spooks me....and yet, it is pure genius.

to Galldune: (((hugs)))

as to the break-up pain, I stick my head in the sand and pretend it never happened, ostrich-style. I have very little in the way of coping mechanisms for romantic heartache.. sorry :sad:

 

[Linnifae]

Well..I'm diabetic(genetics.. not lifestyle) and Its getting worse..even though I go to the gym....i have complications from it....I'm following what the doctors say to do....sigh and its just getting worse....autonomic neuropathy...started a month or 2 ago....so my heart goes insane at times when it shouldn't...Retaining water to the point it hurts....sweating nonstop for no reason....and I feel like im going to throw up all the time....on top of all that im narcoleptic...sigh..meds don't do a thing..exercise/diet don't do a thing hell im only 220lbs and a good portion of it is muscle from being in the military and working out as much as i do now that im out......I'm almost to the point I'd rather not move all day and just let my narcolepsy take over.....In the game of life i was dealt a bad hand...*shrug*...If you saw me you wouldn't know I was having all these issues....because I either don't talk about them or I put on a fake smile..hell my roommate can't tell half the time.....this is why I'm reminded of my own mortality....every day....

Aw my heart goes out to you. I have neuropathy and fibromyalgia that can be so severe that at times it takes all my strength to keep me from crying and I was never one to try from physical pain in the past. It ocurred about six months after I got married. I've had equal success with meds. And I'm thankful to be in a supportive relationship wtih my ISTP (though it was and somtimes still hard for him to know how to give the emotional support I need, he's my strenght) My point is, you don't have to have ideal circumstances to have someone. It may be harder to find someone but anyone worth anything will see past the problems and enjoy you for you.

 

[VroomVroom]

A lot of your post resonated with me. Especially the part about "losing something you weren't ready to lose". It sounds like you've had your first heartbreak. Sneaks up on you like no other and it sucks. I had the same feelings when my ex (ESTJ) and I ended. I didn't realize I had such an attachment until he was gone. Reminds me of this:

What helped me is telling myself he was an idiot and stopping all communication with him. (He wanted to remain friends). Cutting him out of my life gave me the ability to compartmentalize that pain enough to get used to life without him. Once I got my bearings and became comfortable with him not being there then I could focus on the pain.

I went out a lot. Socialized. I know people say to talk about it but after the initial conversation of explaining my feelings with a trusted friend and getting the pep talk - which was helpful - talking about it further only rehashed an issue that I had no control over and made me more depressed so I stopped that real quick.

Time helped. Channeling that energy into working out helped. I took a road trip alone. Watched a lot of comedies. Put myself in new surroundings. Met strangers. Talked to them. I socialized - a lot! Came home and cried a lot. But that's what I needed to do. I just kept putting myself in situations that were out of my comfort zone and I began to meet different people and you know, it just put life in perspective to meet new people or even see attractive people out and about made me realize this guy wasn't the end all be all. Plenty of fish in the sea.

BTW. It's been six years since then and the ESTJ and I are very good friends now. I still think he's a moron for breaking up with me. It's how we remain on such good terms. :laughing:

 

[chiagirl27]

Thanks everyone, for all the personal stories and advice. I'm not quite as bone-crushingly miserable this week as I was the past two, and it's definitely getting easier to be objective as time goes on. I'm actually not ready to cut him out of my life - he slipped into a depression and is in a very bad place in his life. He's not contacted me, but I won't turn him away if he does, know what I mean? And I won't be going off and finding someone new - the thought of another man just repulses me right now. But I do have a lot that will keep me busy over the next month or two, and I have ways to keep myself from dwelling. I'll be okay. It's just gonna take time, right? I'm not used to waiting for things I want, so that's really the test here.

This has definitely been a weird experience for me. I don't like it, this whole falling in love and then being crushed into teeny pieces thing. I wouldn't have liked it in my twenties and I sure as shit don't like it in my late thirties. No fun. I envy people for whom this is just another experience on the road to happiness.

Stupid love.