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ive been through enough of this with my ISTP man in the 7 months weve been together......i lost my father, he lost a grandparent (its been hard times!!) but because im always in the pit wth him, its hard to think outside of it.

I know he withdraws when hes stressed, has some serious pondering to do, or when he feels like he needs to be brave. He ALWAYS feels like it falls upon him to be the strong one & provider of all support when someone he loves is hurting (that includes me). I know these are traits of ISTPs. My question is, what do i do for him?!!! he has been so wonderful for me, but he gave & gave until there was nothing left, and is very reluctant to lean or accept support from anyone else, even his loving girlfriend!

any suggestions.....?? what does he NEED but wont ask for? i assume this is going to be an act of mastery....the perfect balance between leaving him alone, and just being there when he doesnt request it (since these are direct opposites, how do i know what to give and when!!).

all insight most appreciated!~thanks in advance guys!
 

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MOTM June 2010
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ive been through enough of this with my ISTP man in the 7 months weve been together......i lost my father, he lost a grandparent (its been hard times!!) but because im always in the pit wth him, its hard to think outside of it.

I know he withdraws when hes stressed, has some serious pondering to do, or when he feels like he needs to be brave. He ALWAYS feels like it falls upon him to be the strong one & provider of all support when someone he loves is hurting (that includes me). I know these are traits of ISTPs. My question is, what do i do for him?!!! he has been so wonderful for me, but he gave & gave until there was nothing left, and is very reluctant to lean or accept support from anyone else, even his loving girlfriend!

any suggestions.....?? what does he NEED but wont ask for? i assume this is going to be an act of mastery....the perfect balance between leaving him alone, and just being there when he doesnt request it (since these are direct opposites, how do i know what to give and when!!).

all insight most appreciated!~thanks in advance guys!
The fact that you notice these matters is impressive and appreciated, at least it would be for me. I think it may be a good idea to remind and encourage him to get away from it all once or twice a month to prevent burnout or melt down. Your assessment of balancing whether he needs time alone or with you is also impressive as well. Suggesting that he goes to a part of your town, city or an area with a large body of water to just sit and ponder, if not a day at least an afternoon or half day, would probably be helpful. About time an ENFJ came to this subforum with some thoughts on relationships with ISTP. Thank you Carmellee.
 

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MOTM Jan 2012
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Plenty of lakes where I live...and rivers. Just sitting there, watching the ripples and flow of the water over the rocks and other flotsam, taking off my socks and shoes and dangling my feet in the water, skipping stones (or trying to at least)...I want to go right now! Screw work...
 
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Personally, I'd just make it clear without seeming too curious (to me curious about my feelings sometimes comes off pushy) that "You are there.. And you will listen and be there if he needs you to be"..

Then, if he wants to or needs to .. he probably will come to you and talk to you.. as long as its well.. "on his terms".. I guess that would be the way to put it... for me at least

and also.. I'm new here.. *looks at crowd awkwardly*
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Personally, I'd just make it clear without seeming too curious (to me curious about my feelings sometimes comes off pushy) that "You are there.. And you will listen and be there if he needs you to be"..

Then, if he wants to or needs to .. he probably will come to you and talk to you.. as long as its well.. "on his terms".. I guess that would be the way to put it... for me at least

and also.. I'm new here.. *looks at crowd awkwardly*
well then, welcome! I havent been here all that long myself! but if you check out my MBTI compared to yours, you will see why its an invauable tool when trying to make things work with my ISTP!

thanks for the insight, thats exactly what i am going for. He doesnt do subtle! i will just tell him having someone there 'just for you' is one of the perks of having a partner. Everyone leans on him, then when he is done being brave, thats when he can find solace in me.

The thing is, i have to fight all my 'natural' patterns with this one! I am lucky to still have him.....i have learnt how to distance through error.......through smothing him with affection he seemed distressed. that right there is when i found this place!
 

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One of my favorite things in the world is sitting on a cliff and looking out across the ocean. Lakes are pretty dope, too.
just because you all might find it insightful, im delighted to inform you that doesnt seem to be an ISTP thing, its similar for most of us! HOORAH i have something in common with everyone else! we all have a place where we find it easiest to access our inner peace, mine has always been the beach. when my mind races and worries as it often does, nothing snaps me back into reality like the smell of saltry air!
 

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The fact that you notice these matters is impressive and appreciated, at least it would be for me. I think it may be a good idea to remind and encourage him to get away from it all once or twice a month to prevent burnout or melt down. Your assessment of balancing whether he needs time alone or with you is also impressive as well. Suggesting that he goes to a part of your town, city or an area with a large body of water to just sit and ponder, if not a day at least an afternoon or half day, would probably be helpful. About time an ENFJ came to this subforum with some thoughts on relationships with ISTP. Thank you Carmellee.
I guess there is one way to put it simply - you can go to tremendous lengths for someone you love. being how he is, i find it amazing that he managed to be my strongest support network during one of the hardest times of my life. He did it at great cost to himself - sacrificing all your time & strength to be supportive for an emotional person drains an ISTP! but he is building back up now, as am i.

I have learnt a lot through trial and error. there have been times when the frustration of not being able to make him understand how i 'feel' has led to full blown episodes - tears, pleading, the works! i now know how to approach him. Appeal to his emotions through his logic. And being firm is something he seems to respect, because when he hurts, he tries to push me away. I just stand my ground now. I tell him i will go and let him have some time to himself, but that over all i am not going anywhere. Within an hour, i get txt msg as a constant flow - nothing in particular, just his way of opening up communication again.
 

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just because you all might find it insightful, im delighted to inform you that doesnt seem to be an ISTP thing, its similar for most of us! HOORAH i have something in common with everyone else! we all have a place where we find it easiest to access our inner peace, mine has always been the beach. when my mind races and worries as it often does, nothing snaps me back into reality like the smell of saltry air!
Very few actions are limited to one type or another. :happy:
 
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