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I recently read The Alchemist and am convinced that life is something we're only partially in control of. There's a lot of choices you make, but you're still dependant on chance a lot.
You can sit on the train with 20 interesting people in the same carriage and not talk with any. There can be nobody interesting, yet somehow you've started a conversation. It's starting to get annoying, but you're polite and keep talking. As soon as you get of the train you're like: uuuugh, finally.

There can be a huge opportunity, but if you find out too late, well, it's too late. Maybe with lots of hard work you can still get it, in which case you've changed your path. Was it for the better? If it sucks you'll think it wasn't, even though it might steer you away from similair experiences in the future, so it might be a good choice in the end. Or it might just be great on it's own.

This has led me to believe that there are little to no bad actions in life as long as you don't limit others(too much - everybody needs a rock to hold on to from time to time).

What am I trying to say? The past 4 months I've been more social, met some new people, hooked up with a girl and generally had a good time. I've met people that I can be honest with, that I can have fun with while being myself, but not fully.
Last night I saw the movie Crystal Fairy.


I realised that I need a muse. Someone who doesn't care about judgement at all, someone who wants the world to be good. Someone who doesn't even really live in this world - mentally. Someone who does so much stuff that's considerd stupid or crazy in society, that the stupid and crazy stuff you do becomes less noticeable. Someone to draw the attention, so you can let your freak flag fly.

The Alchemist told to look for signs. I've seen some movies, read some books, met a lot of people and just have this general feeling that meeting my/a muse would lead me to greater things. Both in what society thins is important(work/studies) as in general life quality and knowledge. To feel no more shame, to be judged no more, to be fucking free.

The girl I'm with right now doesn't really do this for me, or maybe a little. But I'm her muse I think. I'm the one who has to tell her to let go sometimes and just enjoy. She doesn't really understand. I might not be the best muse/advisor, but it's as if she doesn't really want to understand. She's stubborn and doesn't take anything for granted. Despite all that, I feel like she doesn't really need/want me. I feel like breaking it off, as it's going nowhere, but I do feel a bit worried about her. I want to tell her that everything will be alright in the end. She'll make the right choices, all she needs to do is listen to what people say every now and then. Maybe we'll meet again, some sunny day.

I feel like I know two girls who could be my muse(s). One of them I've known since highschool. She's a bit weird, looks like a skinny version of Crystal in the movie, she's quite smart and I feel she could be free. She is free. She's enthousiastic, pretty, joyful, smart, generally awesome. But is she interested in me?
Then there's a girl I met about 5 weeks ago. She moved in with a friend of me, when looking for a studentroom. They didn't know eachother before, and only knew eachother a few days when I came to visit him.
We talked for about an hour before going out to play some pool and she thought I was cool. When I was asking my friend if I could come along last week, they were in the shop together. He told her I was coming and she started dancing in the shop.
That's a sign right?
 
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