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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone,

If you really don't want to read the whole story, I'll write a summary at the end.

So my bestfriend and I have been friends for 6 years now. I'm an INFP and (I'm pretty sure) she's an ENFP. That being said, I opened up my thoughts to her pretty early and she knows well that I hate people who smoke and/or drink. Two years later, she smoked from time to time with some friends without telling me a word (although I knew bc some friend told me) and now, she has this terrible group of friends she goes out with every week. And by terrible I mean that they are nice and funny and outgoing and she has great fun with them but she smokes and drinks like never before and she has been avoiding speaking about it with me.

I feel horrible right now. I truly don't know what to do. She knows I don't want her to go with "bad people" but she keeps telling me not to worry. I've cried for her more than once but she is a good friend. She cares about everyone, supports me when I need it and so on and I really don't want to lose her.
I want her to see what I see. That she can have fun without drugs, that maybe a change of friends wouldn't be that bad? I don't know guys :( I want her to go out and have fun but I don't want to see her go down this path and I refuse to let her go.

So long story short, my bestfriend goes out with people that persuade her to drink and smoke and (appart from being a strong anti-drugs person myself) I want her to be friends and have fun with "better" people. What do I do?

Thanks in advance :)


pd. I'm going to talk to her about this soon but I don't know what to say. Also, maybe you see that I contradict myself somewhere or notice that the whole post is a mess but I thought about this over and over again.

(Sorry if there's any mistake, I'm a non-native English speaker)
 

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Hi, your English is fine don't worry.

Well, it sounds like you don't have a problem with the personalities of the people just the activity of drinking and drugs in itself? I understand that but if the people are nice and genuinely her friends and are not actively pressuring her then it sounds like the issue is more that she is choosing to drink and do drugs of her own accord and it may not be that big a problem and of course it her decision. I mean it would be a lot worse if the people weren't nice and there were other factors. Do you actually think are 'bad' people or just that you don't like that they drink and smoke? Are they really pressuring her to do it?

is there anything about the effects of her drinking etc. that you don't like? How is it actually affecting your friendship? Is she spending less time with you? Has her personality/behaviour changed when around you because of it? And can you actually see any ways in which it having a detrimental effect on her life? If so in what ways?

When you talk to her about it I would express it as concern for her and let her know your feelings and that you're there for her. But make sure not to come across as patronising or controlling at all this is very important. She is her own person and can do what she wants so if it isn't actually affecting you in any actual way other than you just don't want her to do it then you don't want to act in a way about it which comes across controlling etc. But yeah I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing your concerns to her if that's how you feel and I think it's nice that you're concerned for your friend but just be careful about how you do it. And if she's a good friend then she should be understanding of your personal feelings and your concern but remember that it is still her choice of what she does and she's not necessarily doing anything wrong towards you by what she's doing. It would then be up to you to decide if you still want to hang out with her if it's bothering you that much. I do understand why you don't like it completely but yeah it's still her choice. How big a problem do you think it is? How often and how much do you think she drink and smokes?

ENFP's do tend to have wide social circle and engage in experimental activities and can go through such phases. And I have found that my ExFP friends do tend to hang out with people who I don't like and drink a lot too. You are right it is bad for her health. I think you need to find out why is she doing it and think about how much is she doing it and how big a problem it is as this could help with your understanding and how to approach the situation. When you talk to her I would recommend asking her why she likes to do it and express your concern for her wellbeing etc. but remember to not come across as lecturing.

I recommend just being there for her as a friend. Not coming across judgemental and lecturing but just express your concern and talk to her. And if she is continues to drink.smoke with these people then that's her choice and there's not much else you can do other than just be there for her. If it gets really bad and is affecting you and having a detrimental effect on her life like if she actually becomes addicted/an alcoholic then you can try to talk her again or something. But it don't know how bad it is? Does she drink around you? Does she drink/smoke on her own?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Wow thank you! This is exactly what I needed to hear :D

It is not as bad as I say it is. Our relationship hasn't changed much, she is as nice as she used to be although now she has this group of friends that, as you made me see, are not as bad as I thought. And she drinks and smokes but never when she's around me because she knows what I think and she respects me (which is very nice :) ). I'll talk to her but, as you said, I will only tell her that I'm worried but I won't tell her what to do or what not.

As always I get kind of consumed by problems and reading your reply really helps me take a step back and think again.
I'll remember your advice for future problems haha

Thanks again :tranquillity:
 

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@nellbarnes Well I used to listen to Lana del Rey and did the same as a teenager but that's only because I was frustrated with my identity. I grew out of it without outside help, it's a strange phase. That doesn't mean you shouldnt need to help your friend. A lot of adult smokers start smoking in their teenage years. I suspect your friend might be depressed, and simply being a teenager. Be aware if she consumes anything that is addictive and makes it into habit. Also, chances is shes depressed or anxiety. Be and stay positive and talk to your friend more often, be a lot closer than her new friends. Show her that's it's ok to talk her mind in your presence about whatever that is bothering her, and relate to her. Give her solutions to what's bothering her.
 

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You can't change your friend. If she doesn't see it, or care, no amount of worrying will change her perspective.

Not only that, but if she herself doesn't see them or her behavior as "toxic" she won't listen to you or change just because you want her to.
 

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I have a friend since the seventh grade who is the same way and would consider him my best friend. The only difference is that I drink on occasion but not excessively. His intellect began to change towards thinking irrationally and he always complains about society and that he has developed a secret formula to change the world by eliminating capitalism and removing money as a whole. The best thing that me and you can do as friends to them is be there for them and respect them as a person but disagree with their actions.
 
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