Hello my rational friends!
I love you guys and I wouldn't replace an INTJ for the world.
That said, there is a major problem with our communication or at least, that has been my experience in real life.
The INTJ to INFP communication model is as follows:
Ni-Te-Ne-Fi then Fi-Ne-Te-Ni
It's fucking unbelievable how absurdly frustrating those filters are on trying to get something across. Not only does the INTJ not uderstand me, it really feels like he doesn't want to understand me, like he's deliberately shutting me out and maintaining his own opinion no matter what I say or how I say it.
Never is this more pronounced than when he accuses me of something or criticizes me for something. If he is right, I'll tell him he's right. If I think (or know) he's wrong, I will disagree. If it doesn't have anything to do with me, I'll summon my Ne and inferior Te. If its about me, it's personal, so my disagreement is always very Fi because it's like "how fucking dare you make that judgment against me? You're wrong, I know myself. Your narrow minded logic isn't relevant to the abstract complexity of my being"
I hate this so much, i can't even tell you. So when he says something erroneous like "you party a lot." I say "No, I've only gone out 2, maybe 3 times this year." and he still maintains that I party a lot. His brain doesn't flex or change at all. He will have an original judgment and he will maintain that judgment to his grave no matter what new information he receives. His mind NEVER changes about anything. There's no compromise or leeway there at all.
I could try to use facts about me to change his mind about me but why? And what would I say? "I do X this many times a week and I do X when X happens." should I use quadratic equations and mathematical formulas to describe myself? I've already used all sorts of impartial psychological analysis to describe myself and my reasons in a more impartial way but the result of that isn't a changed or more open mind, just no fucking feedback at all. So then what? Most therapists will tell you that the thing to do in communication is just to express how you feel in a simple and honest way using first person "I" narrative and make it about you and not an attack on the other person. Okay simple enough.
"A, it makes me feel like X when you say X"
you know what I get every time?
"You're such a victim."
Really? Having a feeling or a disagreement makes me a VICTIM somehow? How the fuck does that work? What is his logic behind that? It's not just patently false, it's offensive, frustrating, and it shuts down communication faster than anything. In addition, it has an unpleasant effect on my Fi of invalidating what I feel. I didn't feel like a victim before but NOW I KINDA DO because he's bulldozing the fuck out of me.
He says this way too often in response to nearly every feeling that I talk about to him. The only exception is when I'm singing his praises in a Fi sort of way. Anything else remotely negative and I'm just being a victim. If this were school or work, I wouldn't take his shit personally but what if you're in a relationship with an INTJ and and he's supposed to be your life partner? It really does seem like I'm not allowed to be hurt, dissapointed or in disagreement at all, ever or I'll be accused of being a whiney, victim. How am I ever supposed to communicate my needs to an INTJ? And if you're in a relationship, how is the criticism NOT personal? Pretty much everything in a relationship is personal. How do you approach a relationship impersonally? I don't get that. I'm not at school or work. I'm not dealing with a child here, he's a grown up. I should be allowed to talk about my feelings to my partner, if no one else. Am I wrong?
And this isn't just one INTJ relationship I've had, this is...a few. I want to know how to resolve this because I don't think I'm giving up INTJs in this lifetime.
Please don't throw rotten eggs at my head.. GO!
I love you guys and I wouldn't replace an INTJ for the world.
That said, there is a major problem with our communication or at least, that has been my experience in real life.
The INTJ to INFP communication model is as follows:
Ni-Te-Ne-Fi then Fi-Ne-Te-Ni
It's fucking unbelievable how absurdly frustrating those filters are on trying to get something across. Not only does the INTJ not uderstand me, it really feels like he doesn't want to understand me, like he's deliberately shutting me out and maintaining his own opinion no matter what I say or how I say it.
Never is this more pronounced than when he accuses me of something or criticizes me for something. If he is right, I'll tell him he's right. If I think (or know) he's wrong, I will disagree. If it doesn't have anything to do with me, I'll summon my Ne and inferior Te. If its about me, it's personal, so my disagreement is always very Fi because it's like "how fucking dare you make that judgment against me? You're wrong, I know myself. Your narrow minded logic isn't relevant to the abstract complexity of my being"
I hate this so much, i can't even tell you. So when he says something erroneous like "you party a lot." I say "No, I've only gone out 2, maybe 3 times this year." and he still maintains that I party a lot. His brain doesn't flex or change at all. He will have an original judgment and he will maintain that judgment to his grave no matter what new information he receives. His mind NEVER changes about anything. There's no compromise or leeway there at all.
I could try to use facts about me to change his mind about me but why? And what would I say? "I do X this many times a week and I do X when X happens." should I use quadratic equations and mathematical formulas to describe myself? I've already used all sorts of impartial psychological analysis to describe myself and my reasons in a more impartial way but the result of that isn't a changed or more open mind, just no fucking feedback at all. So then what? Most therapists will tell you that the thing to do in communication is just to express how you feel in a simple and honest way using first person "I" narrative and make it about you and not an attack on the other person. Okay simple enough.
"A, it makes me feel like X when you say X"
you know what I get every time?
"You're such a victim."
Really? Having a feeling or a disagreement makes me a VICTIM somehow? How the fuck does that work? What is his logic behind that? It's not just patently false, it's offensive, frustrating, and it shuts down communication faster than anything. In addition, it has an unpleasant effect on my Fi of invalidating what I feel. I didn't feel like a victim before but NOW I KINDA DO because he's bulldozing the fuck out of me.
He says this way too often in response to nearly every feeling that I talk about to him. The only exception is when I'm singing his praises in a Fi sort of way. Anything else remotely negative and I'm just being a victim. If this were school or work, I wouldn't take his shit personally but what if you're in a relationship with an INTJ and and he's supposed to be your life partner? It really does seem like I'm not allowed to be hurt, dissapointed or in disagreement at all, ever or I'll be accused of being a whiney, victim. How am I ever supposed to communicate my needs to an INTJ? And if you're in a relationship, how is the criticism NOT personal? Pretty much everything in a relationship is personal. How do you approach a relationship impersonally? I don't get that. I'm not at school or work. I'm not dealing with a child here, he's a grown up. I should be allowed to talk about my feelings to my partner, if no one else. Am I wrong?
And this isn't just one INTJ relationship I've had, this is...a few. I want to know how to resolve this because I don't think I'm giving up INTJs in this lifetime.
Please don't throw rotten eggs at my head.. GO!
