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Hello my rational friends!

I love you guys and I wouldn't replace an INTJ for the world.

That said, there is a major problem with our communication or at least, that has been my experience in real life.

The INTJ to INFP communication model is as follows:
Ni-Te-Ne-Fi then Fi-Ne-Te-Ni

It's fucking unbelievable how absurdly frustrating those filters are on trying to get something across. Not only does the INTJ not uderstand me, it really feels like he doesn't want to understand me, like he's deliberately shutting me out and maintaining his own opinion no matter what I say or how I say it.

Never is this more pronounced than when he accuses me of something or criticizes me for something. If he is right, I'll tell him he's right. If I think (or know) he's wrong, I will disagree. If it doesn't have anything to do with me, I'll summon my Ne and inferior Te. If its about me, it's personal, so my disagreement is always very Fi because it's like "how fucking dare you make that judgment against me? You're wrong, I know myself. Your narrow minded logic isn't relevant to the abstract complexity of my being"

I hate this so much, i can't even tell you. So when he says something erroneous like "you party a lot." I say "No, I've only gone out 2, maybe 3 times this year." and he still maintains that I party a lot. His brain doesn't flex or change at all. He will have an original judgment and he will maintain that judgment to his grave no matter what new information he receives. His mind NEVER changes about anything. There's no compromise or leeway there at all.

I could try to use facts about me to change his mind about me but why? And what would I say? "I do X this many times a week and I do X when X happens." should I use quadratic equations and mathematical formulas to describe myself? I've already used all sorts of impartial psychological analysis to describe myself and my reasons in a more impartial way but the result of that isn't a changed or more open mind, just no fucking feedback at all. So then what? Most therapists will tell you that the thing to do in communication is just to express how you feel in a simple and honest way using first person "I" narrative and make it about you and not an attack on the other person. Okay simple enough.

"A, it makes me feel like X when you say X"
you know what I get every time?

"You're such a victim."

Really? Having a feeling or a disagreement makes me a VICTIM somehow? How the fuck does that work? What is his logic behind that? It's not just patently false, it's offensive, frustrating, and it shuts down communication faster than anything. In addition, it has an unpleasant effect on my Fi of invalidating what I feel. I didn't feel like a victim before but NOW I KINDA DO because he's bulldozing the fuck out of me.

He says this way too often in response to nearly every feeling that I talk about to him. The only exception is when I'm singing his praises in a Fi sort of way. Anything else remotely negative and I'm just being a victim. If this were school or work, I wouldn't take his shit personally but what if you're in a relationship with an INTJ and and he's supposed to be your life partner? It really does seem like I'm not allowed to be hurt, dissapointed or in disagreement at all, ever or I'll be accused of being a whiney, victim. How am I ever supposed to communicate my needs to an INTJ? And if you're in a relationship, how is the criticism NOT personal? Pretty much everything in a relationship is personal. How do you approach a relationship impersonally? I don't get that. I'm not at school or work. I'm not dealing with a child here, he's a grown up. I should be allowed to talk about my feelings to my partner, if no one else. Am I wrong?

And this isn't just one INTJ relationship I've had, this is...a few. I want to know how to resolve this because I don't think I'm giving up INTJs in this lifetime.

Please don't throw rotten eggs at my head.. GO!
 
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This sounds like more of a respect issue, of the type that happens before relationships end, when it becomes difficult for either party to see the other in a beneficent light.
 

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Well he sounds wonderful.
Have you confronted him about all of this and told him he's incredibly immature and closed minded? He's invalidating your feelings and opinion, and that's really not okay. He may be trying to showcase dominance by suppressing you. Being an INTJ is not a free pass to being an ass, and if he continues doing it I would let him go.
 

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I agree this sounds like a respect issue and not related to type. My INTJ husband and I have major communication issues but its mostly getting him TO communicate and not clam up. He generally doesn't say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing? And gets the whole 'deer in headlights look'. Your bf probably says you party 'a lot' because any party for him would be too much. HA HA.
 

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Don't date based on the fact that they're INTJs. None of the INTJs I've known are this way (including myself). It just sounds like bad luck to me. Next time, go for a mature person over what you think his MBTI type is. And I have a strong belief in type affinity- if you're such an INTJ magnet as you claim to be, chances are this person would turn out to be INTJ.
 
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He's broken. Throw him away and get a new one who will party with you on your 3 times in 5 months.
Can't tell you how strongly I agree with this.

Contact the factory and ask if you can have an upgrade.

I also thought I had a faulty INTJ, and after a lot of back and for communication with customer services, he decided he didn't like the way he was being and started calling me poppet and changed. Sure, I've had a bit of shit when he has felt out of control but it's got sorted asap. Also, a piece of advice between INFPs and INTJs. Sometimes the INFP has to stand their own ground and tell them they are talking rot. They aren't always right, and it's not always your fault. They actually respect you more if you call their shit out.
 

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Can't tell you how strongly I agree with this.

Contact the factory and ask if you can have an upgrade.

I also thought I had a faulty INTJ, and after a lot of back and for communication with customer services, he decided he didn't like the way he was being and started calling me poppet and changed. Sure, I've had a bit of shit when he has felt out of control but it's got sorted asap. Also, a piece of advice between INFPs and INTJs. Sometimes the INFP has to stand their own ground and tell them they are talking rot. They aren't always right, and it's not always your fault. They actually respect you more if you call their shit out.
Damn straight. A faulty INTJ will upgrade themselves if the relationship is worth it.
 

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Instead of trying to justify your position, try making him justify his. Make him defend his opinion, if he says you are a victim, have him put forth the evidence. otherwise you'll just end up here:
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks guy. I took away from this that I need to make an INTJ back up his opinion. I never thought to do that, actually. I'm going to, thanks.
 
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Just out of curiosity, have you considered that he might be ISTJ? This sounds more like a leading Si than a leading Ni, just because of the rigidity to his own thoughts, almost in tradition with himself, and from your description, a bit of hyperbole regarding things that aren't in line with what he believes.

It could also be a respect thing as others have stated.

I can say from experience, there is a propensity of Ns to want to project that the people around them are other Ns, all too often!
 

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Just out of curiosity, have you considered that he might be ISTJ? This sounds more like a leading Si than a leading Ni, just because of the rigidity to his own thoughts, almost in tradition with himself, and from your description, a bit of hyperbole regarding things that aren't in line with what he believes.

It could also be a respect thing as others have stated.

I can say from experience, there is a propensity of Ns to want to project that the people around them are other Ns, all too often!
I've said this too (ISTJ), I think @MindBomb did as well. It really doesn't matter what type as it's a case of the icky behaviour. I want to beat him up already and I've never met him (there are other threads on his naughtiness).
 

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You should change the title of this thread to My biggest problem communicating with this one clearly unhealthy INTJ.
Also, how many times has someone on this forum told you to get rid of him?
 

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They aren't always right, and it's not always your fault. They actually respect you more if you call their shit out.
This. NF's, don't be afraid to do this to NT's. You won't hurt our feelings, and if you do...it will only make us better because we'll realize how ridiculous we were acting, so we'll strive to improve ourselves. We will then appreciate you for helping us to become better people.
 

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This. NF's, don't be afraid to do this to NT's. You won't hurt our feelings, and if you do...it will only make us better because we'll realize how ridiculous we were acting, so we'll strive to improve ourselves. We will then appreciate you for helping us to become better people.
Exactly....and if he doesn't, there's more wrong with him than just his attitude. As tempting as it is to want to fix people, it takes wanting to and effort on their part to do so....cut your losses and run.
 

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This sounds like more of a respect issue, of the type that happens before relationships end, when it becomes difficult for either party to see the other in a beneficent light.
Nah, my roommate does the same thing with his ENFP girlfriend. He should know better, but once he gets started down a Te rail, He Just Does Not Know When To Shut Up. She's more-or-less just learned to say, 'Oh, you...' It's not so much a lack of respect as a complete inability to shut his goddamn pie-hole when he really, really should.

And, probably, some inability to know when he should really, really shut his goddamn pie-hole.
 
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