[oxesgurl]

Hello, so I'm an INFP female and I met this ENFJ guy on Tinder.. I fantasized about meeting someone with my ''theoretical ideal match type'' for a while now and it happened quite unexpectedly. It clicked immediately and I really thought I had found that deep connection I was craving for so long. We really texted a lot .. we could talk for 5-6 hours in a row, non-stop. In a 6-days time lapse we talked about teaching me guitar and piano, kids, marriage, buying a house, travel.... not mentioning how much we understood each other on the emotional and moral sides. He told me he really really like me, was very attracted to me, that I was on his mind and everything cheesy you can think about. It was surreal.

Then came the moment when we started talking about our love and sex history. At first he was chill and all and then a couple minutes later, he started telling me about how he could get really jealous and that even talking about the past gets him hurt and upset.. textually: ''I know it’s not right or fair because I wasn’t even around and you’re single so you can do what you want but it does get me jealous. This isn’t a thing where I’m saying don’t tell me. It’s a thing where I’m saying, I can get jealous and you should be aware of it cause I know I’ve been really calm and chill with you but if I ever get angry, hurt or lash out.... you know why. I’m literally having a battle with the hulk in my head every time... and sometimes he wins'' ...

So I tried apologizing and he told me I have nothing to be sorry about, I did nothing wrong, it's his problem. I think I was also very understanding and supportive and showed no sign of being bothered by that.. the conversation still somewhat ended quickly but with the usual ''good night sweet dreams''. But then the day after, when I asked if he was feeling better, he just said not really, with no other words. Later that day I texted him again saying that this weakness doesn't stop me from wanting to be with him.. with no response yet more than 24 hours later. With fantastic Facebook messenger I can see that he saw my message. I can also see that he is not online as often... So now I'm really wondering what I should do.

With the Holidays around the corner I'm guessing maybe he has parties or family over, and got less time to be texting.. Or maybe he's just not wanting to go forward with me, I can't really tell. If it's got to be over then I really need closure, but I got a big whole nothing. No explanation, not even a simple ''please stop texting me''. Just plain ghosting. Should I wait? Is there any chance that he's gonna talk to me again, let's say after the holidays? If so then I don't want to spam and annoy him. But I also have a big urge to ask him to just tell me if he wants to cut contact... It's minimum respect I think...

Please give me some advice!! :\

 

[Robert2928]

There are many variables at play here but I will do my best based on what was given to me. So basically my hypothesis is that he is ashamed that he was somewhat "negative" around you based on that conversation and he's trying to get himself right or whatever by dealing with his problem. Which will be hard if it is holiday season or whatever and he wants to keep up appearances or whatever or something. Like I said many variables at play...

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

Idk what his problem is, but I can tell you he's not someone I'd date. So I recommend that you move on before it's too late. A guy with that much emotional baggage so early on is NEVER a good sign

 

[clem]

Theoretical ideal match seems to only exist in theory and not in practice. Perhaps there is a practical ideal match that is better.

On the other hand, ENFJ gets jealous alot so it’s normal. Maybe you like that extreme all or nothing possessiveness. It gets you pumped up from all the drama. In that case, you can keep a diary so you can read it and relive all the drama. This could help you enjoy it more.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Llyralen]

This is my take on it-- feel free to discard if you don't agree-- but I'll give my opinion to you straight:
So...when you do talk to him... and if he doesn't get back to you then this guy is immature on a level that I would call alarming... then he should be apologizing (imo) and when he does then you need to know something. He was telling you "You need to know I get jealous" and I think what he meant was that he can be controlling and violent. You need to find out. You need to ask questions and trust your intuition if it smells funny.
Now I'm not saying you want any of the controlling/violent stuff ( @clem that was a jump to say she would want that, the goal of Fi is much more likely that she wanted the guy to feel accepted after confessing negative feelings, a perceiver not a judger goal). However, I think @oxesgurl you need to put your judger hat on and realize that the guy might be saying he gets violent. But instead of being at a stage where he can admit this as wrong and ask for help, it sounds more likely that he is still in the "blame other people" stage which probably shows he's still unpredictable and maybe dangerous in real life. If you test this out and you get a vibe, don't worry, you'll find other ENFJs... especially the more you know what to look for.
I love the theoretical match stuff, it seems true for me. INFJs mean a ton to me...and I'm talking friendship since I'm married to a INFP but I don't bond well with every INFJ. Depends a lot on where we each are at in life, intelligence, growth, the culture they were raised in, etc. etc.
Good luck!

 

[oxesgurl]

Thanks a lot lol I don't know why my post suddenly gets answers But the rest of the story is posted in another thread that I took over despite me x): http://personalitycafe.com/enfj-forum-givers/1193010-help-enfj-move.html
@Alesha when I first had this conversation with him, I chose to trust him on this: "I can get really jealous. It’s something I’ve struggled with forever. I’ve improved a lot but it’s still not where I want it to be. I’m not controlling or violent but I do get hurt and upset"

( @clem that was a jump to say she would want that, the goal of Fi is much more likely that she wanted the guy to feel accepted after confessing negative feelings, a perceiver not a judger goal).

You are absolutely right.

There was hope for me after the video thing, but now he's back at completely ignoring me again, for yet another "I can't handle my feelings" reason. I don't plan on putting much more energy on this, but I feel so disappointed and shook from going through such an emotional rollercoaster in just two weeks. I can see now that he's probably not the kind of person I want in my life, but there's still an open door in the back of my mind... Can't help it

 

[Llyralen]

Thanks a lot lol I don't know why my post suddenly gets answers But the rest of the story is posted in another thread that I took over despite me x): http://personalitycafe.com/enfj-forum-givers/1193010-help-enfj-move.html
@Alesha when I first had this conversation with him, I chose to trust him on this: "I can get really jealous. It’s something I’ve struggled with forever. I’ve improved a lot but it’s still not where I want it to be. I’m not controlling or violent but I do get hurt and upset"


You are absolutely right.

There was hope for me after the video thing, but now he's back at completely ignoring me again, for yet another "I can't handle my feelings" reason. I don't plan on putting much more energy on this, but I feel so disappointed and shook from going through such an emotional rollercoaster in just two weeks. I can see now that he's probably not the kind of person I want in my life, but there's still an open door in the back of my mind... Can't help it

Understood, and yeah.. I would be reeling from the shock of the loss of the intensity and feelings. So sorry, sweatheart. His loss, absolutely-- I understand the hope, but I bet his decisions will kill it. At that point, keep the hope for something good with someone else which you are surely capable of. Much love and here's to 2018!

 

[Quiet Is The New Loud]

You can also feel free to discard this but from reading your post, I feel like he is not truly interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Also I won’t trust online dating websites if I were you. It is not very safe these days since there can be fake and manipulative people there. So, it is better if you cut all contact with him and move on with your life. Try to avoid toxic people in your life. I am not trying to bring your hopes down on finding true love but I just wanted you to avoid yourself from any heartbreak in the long run. I have been in a similar situation like this and saying this from my personal experience. Try to occupy your mind with other things asides that ENFJ guy . Try not to spend too much time on chasing after guys. Don’t worry, you will find a really great guy who will truly love you and be loyal to you and it will all happen at the right time when it is supposed to.

 

[oxesgurl]

I have a 4 yo daughter in shared custody, I work with pregnant women and babies in a 8-employees (all mothers) non-profit organisation, I have almost exclusively feminine and individual hobbies.

I'm afraid online dating is my only option :|

 

[Quiet Is The New Loud]

Oh I see. Maybe you can try seeing a professional counselor in this case. I would do that if I were in your situation. There is nothing wrong in seeking help from a counselor. I really do feel sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope things will get better soon for you this new year. It won’t be like this for long.

 

[SilentScream]

but there's still an open door in the back of my mind... Can't help it

This line indicates that you might have a latent tendency to become co-dependent yourself. It's not just this line, but some other clues and hints you've dropped here and there indicate it as well. Maybe spend some time figuring it out for yourself?

 

[oxesgurl]

@Jawz I have without any doubt been codependent i the past. My first relationship worth mentioning, from ages 17 to 21, was a living hell. He put me through all kinds of abuse and pain, and I just kept wanting him and feeling empty without him. Then with my daughter's father, it was definitely not as intense but at times yeah, I can say I was codependent. But I can also say that I learned a lot from all of this, and that with counseling, psychotherapy, studying sexology, and 3 years+ of living alone, it's under control now. Like I said before, I'm always working on understanding and improving myself, so I try to always remain aware of my weak spots. I think this open door I have is for a relationship out of a romance novel to finally happen to me, and this guy definitely made me believe in fairy tales for a short time. Like many INFPs, I have trouble with moving on and letting go... but I know what I need and what I want. Just afraid to never find it. :wink:

 

[SilentScream]

@Jawz I have without any doubt been codependent i the past. My first relationship worth mentioning, from ages 17 to 21, was a living hell. He put me through all kinds of abuse and pain, and I just kept wanting him and feeling empty without him. Then with my daughter's father, it was definitely not as intense but at times yeah, I can say I was codependent. But I can also say that I learned a lot from all of this, and that with counseling, psychotherapy, studying sexology, and 3 years+ of living alone, it's under control now. Like I said before, I'm always working on understanding and improving myself, so I try to always remain aware of my weak spots. I think this open door I have is for a relationship out of a romance novel to finally happen to me, and this guy definitely made me believe in fairy tales for a short time. Like many INFPs, I have trouble with moving on and letting go... but I know what I need and what I want. Just afraid to never find it. :wink:

I can understand and feel your pain as well since I've been there too. And I have a tendency to be codependent as well.

Self awareness is absolutely key to keeping things under check.

I just wanted to make sure and it's clear that you're in a good place to have a relationship. If it happens it happens but clearly you are better off for not being in a relationship considering that the person you're crushing on isn't in the best place himself right now.

People who have been codependent in the past tend to fall easily and madly in love. It's going to happen again and again. But if you figure yourself out first, it does get better

 

[HGy]

Don't ever bring up past relationships with an ENFJ. That's a quick way to turn me off.

 

[Acrylic]

.

 

[oxesgurl]

Ok so, update. Since @Alesha would like to know
I was at peace with the fact that that relationship was at a dead-end, so kept silent, tried my meditation and mindfulness techniques to let go and all that. But in fact he didn't leave my thoughts and we were still Facebook friends. One day he commented on something I posted (an INFP meme .. lol) I saw that like a sign that I should try again.. I know I know, I'm basically running after negative feelings. Oh well. I like that better than feeling empty and waiting for something to happen in my life. But that's another story

So I text him like 5 days after he commented on my post, and he no longer ignores me. He tells me that he doesn't feel good enough for me. I see two big issues in his state of mind: 1- he got jealous for the first time in a really long time, to a point where he felt very overwhelmed at first and ashamed afterwards. He fears if we date it might happen again and has no clue how to get past this. I'm very faithful and loyal and not flirty in casual settings, so I doubt it would happen very often, but until he actually tries to be with me, there's no way he can see that.
2- He was in abusive relationships, apparently one of his ex's tried to kill him twice ... :shocked: that's new information I got. So textually, he said, ''I get scared and nervous so I run away :/'' And in this case I think it's totally understandable.

After that I just wanted to get my feelings out, with no intention of convincing him of anything, indeed I must have told him that at least 4 times. So I go on an open my heart to him again... and he says, ''okay.. let's try. At least until I run scared again :laughing:''........................ I didn't see that one coming.. I was almost more shocked than happy. In fact I reflected a bit and realized.. he probably just wanted to make me happy, but it's not what he wants.

So I go and tell him that we should just talk and see where it goes from there, no labels, no pressure. He says sure let's do that.
But we haven't talked since then, and as much as I want to put all odds in my favor, and feel like texting him all kinds of stuff, I'm just afraid that I would annoy him and he's never gonna ask me clearly to stop bothering him.

So now I'm at this point where I'm debating with myself if I should go on and try my best to support him until he feels ready to be with me, or just go back to being bored lol. My intuition tells me he likes me and would like to be with me if he was in a healthier mental state.. considering all the stuff he told me before. ''Normal sane people'' would say just let go because he's so much trouble, and yeah I get that. But in a way, that's part of what hooks me. Like the savior syndrome lol. I'm a counselor after all... I want to help. Everybody has baggage and demons. In a more regular dating game, both people would only show their good sides, but the dark one comes out eventually.. I happened so get in touch with his just earlier. What I see in that is authenticity, and it hooks me even more... And if it's not me, it's gonna be someone else eventually, who has to deal with his demons. Why do I have to ditch this situation that I'm motivated to deal with? I'm probably rationalizing all of that for romantic scenario reasons haha XD
Some might think I'm pathetic right now

 

[Llyralen]

.

Ok so, update. Since @Alesha would like to know
I was at peace with the fact that that relationship was at a dead-end, so kept silent, tried my meditation and mindfulness techniques to let go and all that. But in fact he didn't leave my thoughts and we were still Facebook friends. One day he commented on something I posted (an INFP meme .. lol) I saw that like a sign that I should try again.. I know I know, I'm basically running after negative feelings. Oh well. I like that better than feeling empty and waiting for something to happen in my life. But that's another story

So I text him like 5 days after he commented on my post, and he no longer ignores me. He tells me that he doesn't feel good enough for me. I see two big issues in his state of mind: 1- he got jealous for the first time in a really long time, to a point where he felt very overwhelmed at first and ashamed afterwards. He fears if we date it might happen again and has no clue how to get past this. I'm very faithful and loyal and not flirty in casual settings, so I doubt it would happen very often, but until he actually tries to be with me, there's no way he can see that.
2- He was in abusive relationships, apparently one of his ex's tried to kill him twice ... :shocked: that's new information I got. So textually, he said, ''I get scared and nervous so I run away :/'' And in this case I think it's totally understandable.

After that I just wanted to get my feelings out, with no intention of convincing him of anything, indeed I must have told him that at least 4 times. So I go on an open my heart to him again... and he says, ''okay.. let's try. At least until I run scared again :laughing:''........................ I didn't see that one coming.. I was almost more shocked than happy. In fact I reflected a bit and realized.. he probably just wanted to make me happy, but it's not what he wants.

So I go and tell him that we should just talk and see where it goes from there, no labels, no pressure. He says sure let's do that.
But we haven't talked since then, and as much as I want to put all odds in my favor, and feel like texting him all kinds of stuff, I'm just afraid that I would annoy him and he's never gonna ask me clearly to stop bothering him.

So now I'm at this point where I'm debating with myself if I should go on and try my best to support him until he feels ready to be with me, or just go back to being bored lol. My intuition tells me he likes me and would like to be with me if he was in a healthier mental state.. considering all the stuff he told me before. ''Normal sane people'' would say just let go because he's so much trouble, and yeah I get that. But in a way, that's part of what hooks me. Like the savior syndrome lol. I'm a counselor after all... I want to help. Everybody has baggage and demons. In a more regular dating game, both people would only show their good sides, but the dark one comes out eventually.. I happened so get in touch with his just earlier. What I see in that is authenticity, and it hooks me even more... And if it's not me, it's gonna be someone else eventually, who has to deal with his demons. Why do I have to ditch this situation that I'm motivated to deal with? I'm probably rationalizing all of that for romantic scenario reasons haha XD
Some might think I'm pathetic right now

So he likes you and wants to try it out, because otherwise he would have said differently. Let me ask you this...in a relationship would you just let someone try to win you over just to "be nice"? Of course not! You would be upfront and honest so that no feelings are hurt as soon as you know you're not interested. He gave you the "Lets try". He is probably waiting for you to follow up on it. Text away, my dear....go right ahead. Guys especially aren't just "nice" like that. He's interested enough to see where it goes. Go for it!

 

[oxesgurl]

Yeah I'm gonna go for it I guess I have trouble trusting because it went so fast from "I'm not good enough" to "lets try". Also he disappeared on me twice and he admits he might do it again so... I'm pondering how much energy I'm willing to put into something that may not be real in the end.

 

[Westy365]

I'd say do as much talking in person as possible. For ENFJs, in-person contact is the preferred method of communication. Look him in the eyes and reassure him. Tone and body language are important, and in combination they are most effective.

Since you both were in abusive relationships, you both understand how that feels, and that's something you have in common.

No relationship is without its struggles—give him a chance and be patient with him! You'll never know until you try. :wink:

SaveSave​

 

[oxesgurl]

I'd say do as much talking in person as possible. For ENFJs, in-person contact is the preferred method of communication. Look him in the eyes and reassure him. Tone and body language are important, and in combination they are most effective.

I agree and I would very much like to do just that. But we didn't meet yet.. every time we made plans he bailed on me. I'm pretty sure it's closely linked to him getting scared and running away .. I guess this is life's way of teaching me patience.