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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Do any of you lovely INFPs want to read my essay?
its still a work in progress... but i just want to get as many eyes on it as possible!
i tend to make silly little mistakes that nickle and dime me
and.... my INFP sister is currently sleeping... :dry:

So what do you say? :happy:

THIS IS MY 1000TH POST :happy:
just thought i should share


i should clarify
the essay is about the movie "Alien" and the short story "The Sentinel"
it contains major spoilers
here is the story The Sentinel
http://japetus.name/visionaryjourneys/pdf/TheSentinel.pdf

This is the essay
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1udQT9eBP1wIvF0w-cK-myJURF8U8GuLcxfOA4fXCdqc/edit
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I'll show you mine if you show me yours :)
o_O



its supposed to be a comparison and contrast essay but boy... i think i butchered this thing
why cant writing be easy like math :|

updated with google docs link!
just comment stuff like
dafuq is this?

much appreciated!
 

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I like it! That said, it does get a little wordy at times. Just a few things: in paragraph three you say "the only sense of danger in this story is gravity, sort of" and then you don't adequately explain how/why gravity was a threat (I'd also get rid of the "sort of" if I were you). Also in the third paragraph you explain what happens in The Sentinel, but you don't talk about how the characters were "enticed" (Perhaps a better word would be intrigued or interested?) by the alien intelligence or how they reacted. And in the last paragraph you really don't need the word "fruit" to illustrate your point; I think your professor/teacher will get it. Funny you say math is easy and essays are hard - for me it's just the opposite! Good luck! :)
 

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It took me a second re-read to spot the thesis in the first paragraph after reading the whole essay. Compare and contrast both movies "Alien" and "Sentinel". Perhaps you could move/modify this sentence, "Although there are similarities due to the fact they are in the same genre the storylines travel in opposite directions", towards the end of the first paragraph. Typically that's where you would emphasize your thesis and the purpose of your paper.

@kyliecarefree also had a great suggestion to remove "sort of" from your state of gravity being the only threat in "Sentinel". You want to sound persuasive in an essay, not unsure. I also agree with more explanation on why it is a threat. That will beef up your essay by a couple more sentences.

"They discover a ship and an aggressive alien (spawn) to go with it; the alien (offspring) attacks one unlucky crew member" Just a suggestion to convey a more accurate depiction of the scene when the crew in Alien discovers the foreign ship and and the situation that unfolded.

Overall it's good, I just suggest more detail, as mentioned previously, kyliecarefree had some good points to take into consideration.

Edit: One more point, make your headline bigger and maybe bolded if that's within the limits. You want that to grab somebody's attention.
 
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