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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So my ex hubby asked me on a date.

Pros
1. He seems to have finally in the last year really acknowledged and accepted a lot of his past discretions and stopped finger pointing with hostility. Seems more so remorseful over history rather than into blaming like he previously was.

2. He seems to of really accepted I have a new life. A huge problem in our marriage was we lived in the town he grew up in and naturally many of his values were adopted due to him having a stronger family presence etc and home town base where I was more neutral. But honestly by the end of our marriage it was a big issue when I ended up protesting and rebelling against so much revolving around his lifestyle and upbringing etc. So the fact he acknowledges I have a home i have established for me and my girls where we reside and work and they go to school etc and says he has no intention of trying push us to bend to his direction etc. That is a plus as far as effort and evolving

3. I have always said he is one of the best people I know to explain why I fell in love with him but he was one of the worst husbands. He and I clashed as far as him really fighting my more dominant side yet pouting and getting mad when I didn't take care of things too he often wanted it both ways. To be in charge except when he didn't. He seems to be more passive and less defensive with less of a fragile ego against me just because I am a woman who may in some ways be more logical than him. He seems to more recent acknowledge he took that for granted.

He and I have always coparented very well together and do not have issues there.

Cons
1. It was abusive and volatile a few times when he was drunk. This was the number one reason I did leave because I didn't want my kids to ever see their mother in a shit position and follow suite. And so far I preserved that integrity as far as their interest goes and what they know of me. I really have a solid unit with my kids I have built and they respect me I don't want to ever lose that.

2. He just got out of a relationship granted he had kept trying to message me behind his girlfriends back. But still I told him after he asked me out I needed time to even think but aside from that regardless I think he needs time to be single as he has been in relationships with submissive women who were trying to cater to him. And he should try being single. Regardless I am not his rebound or nor have I been just sitting around on stand by. So that's a lot to throw at me.

3. The practical reasons aside from the others listed is that he had an issue with alcohol and we had an issue with communication and abuse. So obviously those are red flags. Of course. But my gut says if this were to really be considered it would have to be done under the guidance of a professional if it were considered.

4. Eh this may sound weird but I am very on the fence aside from all the practical things I made mentions of, because I can't tell if he waited too long and any feeling of fondness are just an appreciation of him as the father of my kids and nostalgia of the good times with a family we built. I mean I can't tell if It's just practical fear that is logical hesitation with so much at stake considering such a thing with considering potential vs backlash or if maybe he waited too many years and I am sorta in shock. I don't know what the fuck to think

5. The other thing is I am actually doing pretty well and I wonder if that is propelling and influencing him illogically speaking.

Respectfull thought welcome
 

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Don't do it.

He may have acknowledged some points but he still got a lot of issues to grow from.
The fact that he tried dating submissive women who would cater to him is disgusting. He needs time to be single for a WHILE.

The fact that his fragile male ego was insecure against you and he resorted to petty, passive aggressiveness was a deja Vu. It reminds me a lot of some male ENFPs on here . ��

You're doing well for yourself so honestly, don't turn back.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Don't do it.

He may have acknowledged some points but he still got a lot of issues to grow from.
The fact that he tried dating submissive women who would cater to him is disgusting. He needs time to be single for a WHILE.

The fact that his fragile male ego was insecure against you and he resorted to petty, passive aggressiveness was a deja Vu. It reminds me a lot of some male ENFPs on here . ��

You're doing well for yourself so honestly, don't turn back.
:laughing:
He is ENFP
 

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Don't do it. Not worth the risk.

After I broke up with my ex, there was a year or so of this friends with benefits thing. Except there was no "friend" part about it because he didn't give a fuck about me, other than fucking me.

However, it took me a while to realize that because I was nostalgic of the good times we had while we were dating. He was a fantastic boyfriend before I left for college, and we never fought or argued with each other at all. But after I left for college, he transformed into a neglectful boyfriend and a manipulative ex that only wanted sex from me. It was night and day. I didn't believe what he had become for a long while because of past, happy memories. It really shocked me.

Point is, you have to stay wary of how past memories influence your feelings about your ex. What I had to do with my ex was cut him off from my life completely. I don't miss him at all.
 

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Cons
1. It was abusive and volatile a few times when he was drunk. This was the number one reason I did leave because I didn't want my kids to ever see their mother in a shit position and follow suite. And so far I preserved that integrity as far as their interest goes and what they know of me. I really have a solid unit with my kids I have built and they respect me I don't want to ever lose that.
Don't even think about it.
 

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Has he stopped drinking or gotten control of his drinking? Despite what everyone else says, I don't think it's a bad idea to consider a date with him if he has. It sounds like you had a good time with him in the past and he has probably done a lot of growing up since you were apart. I guess the question is, do you think he deserves a second chance? You say you guys had an issue with communication and abuse. Communication problems I think can be solved with effort. Abuse though I don't know the extent, so it may be a no-go because of a violent history, but do you feel confident that it would no longer be an issue if you were to get involved with him again? If it was physical abuse or mental abuse here is where I would tread carefully. Your safety and emotional health is probably worth more than giving him a second chance. If you can accept that you may be putting yourself at risk again and he is worth that risk to you..
 

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I'd be tempted.

I justify that as irelavant to my life because there's no way on earth they could fulfill the criteria you've posted in your first pro, but if somehow by magic or alien brain surgery that was achieved (seriously how did that happen?), god would I be tempted.

I've also dated an alcoholic, someone who had occasional sobriety between drinks rather than occasional drinking between sobriety, and even though I didn't live together with one, it was enough of a taste to find out how much I don't want anything like that in my life, how destructive and obnoxious that can be and how they can use that to be the excuse for anything. I imagine it probably doesn't help that in your case your alcoholic would have more upper body strength then you.

So while acknowledging both of those biases on my part, I tend agree with @MsBrightside - if he has also worked on his drinking problem, it might be worthwhile to try it out. Worst case scenario you come out of it feeling more vindicated and certain in knowing that leaving him was the right choice, best case scenario, you might actually enjoy your time.





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I think it really depends on what you want and need from the situation. The most logical and sensible answer is not to go back, but logical and sensible doesn't always make us happy. Obviously, you wouldn't be posting if it were really that straight forward. I do get the impression from you that you could deal with whatever he could dish out. While I wouldn't think going back to somebody who'd been abusive in the past is good for many people, some people can turn that shit around. Trust your own judgement every step of the way and I expect you'd be fine.
I'd suggest that if you do decide to go back, give it your best shot and if it doesn't work, you'll never need to look back again.
 

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Pros
3. I have always said he is one of the best people I know to explain why I fell in love with him but he was one of the worst husbands.

Cons
2. He just got out of a relationship granted he had kept trying to message me behind his girlfriends back.
How many husbands have you had?_?

Where I am, that would be a huge red flag.
 
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Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. As it has already been said - if it didn't work the first time what makes you think it will work this time?

And I suspect that you are entertaining this prospect because it is something familiar and comfortable. If so, then you definitely should not redate him. Look to new horizons.

That being said, he is always going to have some presence in your life as he is the father of your child/children. I don't think you should date him, but I think you should work with him to create an amicable relationship where he is a stable father for your children as well as a dependable ally in your arsenal.
 

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In dating you're often doing the same thing again and again anyway to some extent. One of my fun lessons at least :frustrating: lol. Your ex is new to someone else, and someone who's new to you is someone else's ex, most likely.

All you can do is hope that you're both at a new (similar?) stage in your journey, and if you think you might have this as a go opportunity to do something about with someone you already have history and what not with then... idk.

A problem in that case is that you do have these previous specific associations with the person that can throw you back into these previous more specific (negative?) patterns. A plus is that they can throw you back into the positive ones as well. Maybe before some of the emotional and intellectual guards that exist now and other less (?) heartwarming stuffs (assuming we all become a little more guarded and perhaps at least a wee bit bitter after break ups, lol). But then. Those guys have helped you to get on the healthier, more defined road you're on now. So. The dynamic should be able to fit and make sense of them as well, as a 2.0. If it can't anymore, I say go with what has helped you to survive and better yourself as loyalty.

I don't know if that made any sense. lol.
 

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I don't think it's unthinkable to consider--but one year is NOT a lot of time, and it's not really enough to show real change.

Plus, it sounds like he just broke up with a girl, and instead of considering what he did to contribute to that or how he could grow from it, he's focusing on other people (you), which is also a bad sign as far as timing is concerned.

I think it's reasonable to be cautious here as yeah, he could change--but it will take time and a huge amount of effort on his part, and imo he hasn't shown that he is that much more responsible with his behavior.

If you do try to try it out even as friends or increased communication with him, I'd advise you not to get the kids involved for a long time (or even inform them), because if it doesn't work out then they will suffer less as they have already adjusted to the situation as is. It would be harder, considering he's your ex husband, but I think it's really important for you to be able to see if he really has changed and whether the change has been for better or for worse.

Really, you've gone so far and it's so difficult at a certain point not to slip back into something self-destructive (at least that's how it's been for me in my life). So I would be cautious that you are being tempted towards that, when it sounds to me you've really made leaps and bounds and you guys are very happy with your lives. That is really valuable and should not be threatened or negatively impacted by his state (which sounds like he's in a worse place than you and your kids, by far).

But I don't know enough about your situation for my advice to mean much--I am just saying I have to watch out for 'checking' myself when I'm on a good trajectory and falling into old, but new destructive situations. And then also, to remember that one year is not very much time when it comes to bigger problems like what you described, and that the timing of his getting out of a relationship would also be a big negative.
 

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I watched my mom divorce my stepdad after 20 years of marriage. They stayed apart and had new relationships over the course of 5 years, and then ended up back together, but still divorced. That was 5 or 6 years ago, still together. They are 25 years older than you, so logistics (finances/retirement future) of being together are probably a lager and more important factor.

It can work out. Some of the bad things did came back, but some did not. The relationship is different, and it (the divorce) did change both of them. Look for that change in each of you, and assess accordingly.
 

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I'll play devil's advocate here

Had he drank less ? Is he still a violent alcoholic---- if he still is then No - just no


if he's no longer a violent alcoholic....you've mentioned that he's great with your daughters and from reading your post and thread - your enfp ex husband is still in love with you---his exes all sounded like rebounds- so in that sense you will always be the one that got away for him .

The question pertains to
Are you in love with him and do you know why he is in love with you
If he loves you for an unselfish reason then I don't see why not rekindle a romance- people changed- I know my husband changed for the better after our first 2 break up
However if his reason are selfish and you're no longer in love with him - just keep him as a friend or fwb
Good luck

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
 
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