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Prepare for too many words on some dumb fake friendship stuff that I feel like an idiot for not ending a long time ago.
I'm an INTP female, she's an ESFP female. We met freshmen year as college roommates, and developed an easy friendship without too many expectations, even though we didn't have much in common.

I spent sophomore year living alone, and then junior year she asked me to be her housemate off-campus. I happily moved in to be away from the pain and cost of school housing.

About our friendship: I've never felt like our personalities matched up. We'd have a good time going to dinner or something, and then she'd lay a stunner on me like, "I don't interact with ugly people" or "I'm an Indigo Child so I'm sensitive to the supernatural," or "I'll never date a guy under five-foot-six" or "Ugh, why can't immigrants learn to speak English without heavy accents?"
She's kind of self-centered and negative towards others, to be honest. While we can all have bad days or go on rants, her opinions and the way she interacts with the world has never sat right with me. I don't like to talk a lot, but she doesn't pay very much attention when I do have something to say. She doesn't have any hobbies, and any subject I bring up doesn't interest her.
I don't want to go too far into it, but as much as I enjoy her company in the moment, I've always been unsure about it in the long run. It's this reason that I'd almost never go out of my way to spend time with her, but I guess I wasn't confident enough to ever break things off completely. I'd still go to movies with her, or make her cake and get something for her birthday, or go grocery shopping with her. A significant portion of this situation is my fault. I should've been more honest with myself about how I wasn't a huge fan of her, but I never disliked her enough to cut things off. Maybe this resulted in me acting standoffish, or acting like I knew more than her because I didn't respect some of her views.

Last night she asked me to go with her to the orchestra for an extra credit assignment. I agreed, since I enjoy the orchestra and student tickets are cheap. Usually I go alone. For about half an hour, she enthused about the new guy she was talking to, and for once it seemed like she'd picked a guy who didn't have some serious alarm bells going off. I was really happy for her, and I kept telling her that, and she eventually said something like, "Oh, I keep trying to describe him, but you can just read some of the texts he sends me!" So she opens up her phone, scrolls backwards a fair bit, and says, "Just read!" While I'm reading, she keeps talking, and I'm making happy additions about how nice he seems.

I guess she forgot about all the texts she sent him on how much she hates me, or she thought I would read slower. Maybe I shouldn't have scrolled down at all, and I misunderstood her. After a short couple of cute exchanges, the texts get deep into a rant on how awful I am. I pretty quickly panic and scroll back up to give her back her phone, but the gist of it is: I'm arrogant, I talk down to her, I think I'm so smart and treat her like she's an idiot. I'm a toxic person. She can't wait to get rid of me in a year, but at least she has those three months of summer without me.

I pretend like nothing is wrong. I don't tell her what I saw. In some way, I'm not surprised, since anybody who complains that much about her other friends has to be complaining about me too. My friendships with other people have never had so much gossip. I spend the concert shaking, angry but worried about whether or not I really am a total asshole. In the end, I decide it doesn't matter, and there's just one big thing that I don't like about this:

Why does she continue to keep me as a friend? We don't have to be friends to be roommates. We don't have to text each other all the time, or tell each other private things, or go places together. About 90% of the stuff we do together is stuff that she proposes. I even make an effort to say, "I don't mind if you don't bring me," or "Don't feel like you have to include me when you want to hang out with your classmates." She makes a huge deal about how she's such an honest person, and how we're such easy roommates. She used to have two good friends from class, but she'd grown increasingly jealous of them and freaked out at them for not making more plans to celebrate her birthday with her.

I know one big thing about her: she hates going places alone. She'd rather not go at all than go alone. Which means that if she really does loathe me, and since she doesn't have anybody else, I'm just being used as her stand-in buddy so she can go places. I do sort of get it -- I'm human, I enjoy company at the movie theater. But I'm not going to proliferate a fake friendship just so I've always got somebody at my side.

My question is, what do I do now? Do any other INTPs have a successful relationship with an ESFP and can give me some advice? I feel like what she said means that there's no way for me to work this out. Normally I'd try to fix my behavior, stop teasing her about the little things and quit starting debates when she just wants to be right. But I've already kind of been stepping on eggshells trying not to disagree too much with her. I don't want to live a lie. If we weren't rooming together, I'd probably just start refusing every offer to hang out until she stopped asking. Maybe I should do that anyways, even if she can see that I'm bullshitting her. I've never ended a friendship on bad terms before, and I'm too much of a wimp to do a huge confrontation. I can't burn down the whole relationship since we're going to be roommates for another year. Is there a way for me to do this that A. prevents the house from becoming hostile, and B. ends the pretend friendship.

TL;DR: ESFP secretly hates the INTP that she lives with and invites everywhere. INTP can't change herself any further. INTP wants a solution that isn't a nuclear bomb while also putting an end to the pretend friendship. Any side notes, questions, or "you're a dumbass, MayEye" comments are also very welcome.
 

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Honestly, any option that involves ending the friendship is essentially nuclear. You or she will likely move out afterward either way. In my opinion there is no reason to keep this person in your life. She is much too negative and sounds like she is totally draining your resources. Do not apologize for who you are. From everything you have said here you sound like a decent person. Tell her what you saw and ask her to explain herself.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you so much for reading all of that. I'll buck up, find a new place for next year, then put things out into the open. As much as I like this house, you're right, it's not worth the subterfuge.
 

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Girls like that are only good for one thing, and it hasn't got anything to do with friendship. Maybe two, depending on how good she is with her mouth. Unless you lean that way, she's as good to you as a sewer rat in the kitchen is.

And no, this isn't me "giving off alarm bells". Her present guy will be the next in line doing a Hit'n'Run once he realizes how awful she actually is, that I can assure you. Unless of course he's a pushover and a masochist.

Are you a pushover and a masochist? I mean, I completely sympathize with the mindset trying to avoid open conflict at all costs, because I'm usually the same. I just don't think that it can be avoided anymore. Once you read those viscious texts, the cat was out of the box, and there's nothing repairing even a neutral tone with ESFP unless you confront her about it.

Because honestly? She is the one who should move out. Not you. If you think you have the motivation for it, you should make your own case to the landlord and play the guilt card to ESFP at the same time, so that, under further discussion and much pressure on ESFP, she will volunteer being the one to move out.

I once lived with three others for a few weeks when INFP got just awful and violent when drunk. The three of us took it up with landlord before ENTP and I took the weekend off to live at a friend of mine's place and ESFJ to her own friend, away from INFP so he could sort it out with landlord and, in the end, find another place. When we returned Monday, he was gone.

We probably had more leverage than you as violence is a serious thing, and ENTP even made it more serious by getting the police involved. So yeah, only do this if you think it's realistic.

It's probably gonna be a shitstorm that is more stressful on you than on her, though. She clearly have no problem spouting filth about others, and will likely make her own pathetic case against you too if you go this route.

Just think of it this way: It can't get worse than it already is. Either way, you have to take action now unless you want to emotionally damage yourself further.
 

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Eh, honestly, I wouldn't fight too much over the house. It's just a house, and that will invite more emotional chaos into your life. If she volunteers to move out that's great, but do you really want to have her in your life longer than absolutely necessary?
 

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Why does she continue to keep me as a friend? We don't have to be friends to be roommates. We don't have to text each other all the time, or tell each other private things, or go places together. About 90% of the stuff we do together is stuff that she proposes. I even make an effort to say, "I don't mind if you don't bring me," or "Don't feel like you have to include me when you want to hang out with your classmates." She makes a huge deal about how she's such an honest person, and how we're such easy roommates. She used to have two good friends from class, but she'd grown increasingly jealous of them and freaked out at them for not making more plans to celebrate her birthday with her.
In short: utility. This is the most annoying thing about extros: they need people to not go insane, so subconsciously the people around them become a means to an end on some level. You even nailed it yourself:

I know one big thing about her: she hates going places alone. She'd rather not go at all than go alone. Which means that if she really does loathe me, and since she doesn't have anybody else, I'm just being used as her stand-in buddy so she can go places. I do sort of get it -- I'm human, I enjoy company at the movie theater. But I'm not going to proliferate a fake friendship just so I've always got somebody at my side.
My question is, what do I do now? Do any other INTPs have a successful relationship with an ESFP and can give me some advice? I feel like what she said means that there's no way for me to work this out. Normally I'd try to fix my behavior, stop teasing her about the little things and quit starting debates when she just wants to be right. But I've already kind of been stepping on eggshells trying not to disagree too much with her. I don't want to live a lie. If we weren't rooming together, I'd probably just start refusing every offer to hang out until she stopped asking. Maybe I should do that anyways, even if she can see that I'm bullshitting her. I've never ended a friendship on bad terms before, and I'm too much of a wimp to do a huge confrontation. I can't burn down the whole relationship since we're going to be roommates for another year. Is there a way for me to do this that A. prevents the house from becoming hostile, and B. ends the pretend friendship.

TL;DR: ESFP secretly hates the INTP that she lives with and invites everywhere. INTP can't change herself any further. INTP wants a solution that isn't a nuclear bomb while also putting an end to the pretend friendship. Any side notes, questions, or "you're a dumbass, MayEye" comments are also very welcome.
Yeah Imma skip the "you're a dumbass" part because you seem to be having no trouble covering that yourself.

I can only think of one thing, inspired by my own life circumstances: Pick up some large engagement you need to have done at the end of the year whether real or imaginary doesn't matter) and become insanely busy , so much so that very little engagement is possible. Don't waver on this because of your lack of a spine. Just wall her off with "I have stuff to do", spend as little time home as possible and take increasingly longer to answer texts without ignoring them completely. Make it a gradual process and reduce as many opportunities for direct discourse as possible. Put off every single attempt at engagement that is potentially damning and learn the art of non answering.

Then Move Out ASAP. if you can ask someone to let you crash, do that.

You're basically trying not to respond honestly without bullshitting her. I'm sure you can see why that ain't happening.
 

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If you can afford to move out, then consider moving out. If not, then you’re stuck.

Two great attributes about the INTP are that we are boring and non responsive. Most extroverts don’t know how to deal with that. Talk about things that bore them, for me that’s math and programming. Eventually, they will voluntarily reduce contact with you. When that happens, I might start texting them about some cool programming technique I learned. Invite them to watch some lecture videos together. Don’t let them know that you’re trolling them though.
 

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I agree with looking for a different place for next year but I don't think you should just pretend that nothing happened. What she said was hurtful and I think that she could really benefit from you calling her out on how she's treated you. Hopefully it will help her grow as a person and realize to be careful about how she talks about others behind their back. This would be a good lesson for her and hopefully help you get some closure with it too (if that's something you need). I think being honest is the best policy. She could really use to learn this lesson about how to treat people and being caught and called out for it will definitely help hit that home.
 

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I have a friend who I believe is ESFP. She is much older than your housemate and has many good qualities. However, I do see some similarities; maybe the things they share are ESFP things.

I stay on a pretty even keel with most people, but if someone really pisses me off I stay away from them. In contrast, my ESFP friend is constantly getting really pissed off at people and then getting over it in a hurry. For example, she'll tell me what a sleezeball someone is because of something he did or said. If the guy gets sick she'll say it serves him right, etc. So let's say my ESFP friend and I are sitting in the cafe and the sleezeball guy comes in. Even though I kind of know him, I don't say hi because I don't want to distress my friend. Then, to my surprise, she greets him and asks how things are going, and the two of them spend the next 10 minutes saying bad things about some family they've both had a problem with.

So, I don't know why ESFPs do this, but I kind of know where you're coming from. Even though I get a lot out of my friendship with the ESFP, I know that she could turn against me at any moment, for any reason.

As others have suggested, I'd be too "busy" to spend time with this housemate from now on, and I'd move as soon as possible. If you move out, she might still say bad things about you with regard to what's happened so far, but at least you won't be giving her more to complain about as the months or years go by. @HeadofHudet is probably right, the ESFP should move out, but it would be hard to make that happen and I'm not into confrontation.

It's not the end of the world. When you're young, friendships come and go, and we share houses and other experiences with people who don't really suit us, but that's how we learn about people and learn to be more careful next time. Good luck!
 

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Um, I've known a couple of ESFPs and they were nothing like this. They were great people.

Anyways, I don't understand why you're having anything to do with her after seeing those text messages? You know, it's pretty possible that she wanted you to see those text in order to get you to move out without having to confront you more directly. Seems like a pretty likely plan to bring up the boyfriend and how great he is to kind of rub it in your face and give an excuse to show you the text messages. I mean, what could she have possibly wanted you to see in the text messages. She may have known you well enough to know that you wouldn't cause a fuss after seeing them either.
 

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My experience with ESFPs has been drama for the sake of drama. They need (expect?) to be at the center of attention. The rest of us are merely the audience for their traveling road show. If they lack the skills, intelligence and ability to attract positive attention they will set off a social bomb in order to bask in the after glow.

If an ESFP has developed themselves as to offer something to the group they can be quite charismatic. But the cost is your adulation. I don't see an INTP/ESFP relationship as desirable beyond the status of friendly acquaintance. ESFPs need a lot and we INTPs can't (won't?) give what they need. The ESFP comes to resent the low maintenance and self contained INTP.
 
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My experience with ESFPs has been drama for the sake of drama. They need (expect?) to be at the center of attention. The rest of us are merely the audience for their traveling road show. If they lack the skills, intelligence and ability to attract positive attention they will set off a social bomb in order to bask in the after glow.

If an ESFP has developed themselves as to offer something to the group they can be quite charismatic. But the cost is your adulation. I don't see an INTP/ESFP relationship as desirable beyond the status of friendly acquaintance. ESFPs need a lot and we INTPs can't (won't?) give what they need. The ESFP comes to resent the low maintenance and self contained INTP.
You're describing very unhealthy ESFPs or narcissists. Kind of like the one the OP mentioned. The 2 ESFPs I know are very nice, respectful, happy, helpful and anti-drama. Saying ESFPs like drama doesn't even really make any sense since they have Fi. Fe is the drama function. The people you know may even be unhealthy/narcissistic ESFJs rather than ESFPs. Really strange description from my experiences with ESFPs.
 

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You're describing very unhealthy ESFPs or narcissists. Kind of like the one the OP mentioned. The 2 ESFPs I know are very nice, respectful, happy, helpful and anti-drama. Saying ESFPs like drama doesn't even really make any sense since they have Fi. Fe is the drama function. The people you know may even be unhealthy/narcissistic ESFJs rather than ESFPs. Really strange description from my experiences with ESFPs.
ESFP = The Performer. "For the ESFP, the entire world is a stage. They love to be the center of attention and perform for people. They're constantly putting on a show for others to entertain them and make them happy. They enjoy stimulating other people's senses, and are extremely good at it. They would love nothing more than for life to be a continual party, in which they play the role of the fun-loving host" ( Portrait of an ESFP)

My understanding of Fe is that the Fe user is striving for group harmony. Fe = The world is about us. The Fi user is all about "keeping it a hundred". Fi = The world is about me. As an Fe user I see both perspectives as having valid and desirable attributes. But I would prefer to live in an Fe world and only visit Fi from time to time. A dedicated Fi parent, sibling or spouse may be desirable in that the child would be part of inner circle of the "burn the world down to support the Fi "me"". Could also be hell because of the Fi collective "me".
https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2015/08/24/what-type-of-feeler-are-you-the-difference-between-extraverted-and-introverted-feeling/
 

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Honestly I don't think I could prevent myself from getting back at her for such shit-talking behind my back if I were you. I would've declined every offer to go anywhere with her so she can't enjoy herself since she's apparently unable to go alone. If she's pretending to be nice to you, then having her flip out over you not going anywhere could be a nice way to slowly end the friendship because of her 'rudeness' or 'inability to understand your desire to not go places with her all the time'.

Knowing what you know and keeping it to yourself is a good start. People can be right about us knowing more than we let on about them. I also wouldn't provide any further personal information to her at this point if I were you. It would've been best to not let on about any of it from the start until you really knew her.

In the mean time it would be best to just settle for your own place and get out of there before ending it off. I don't see why you can't have a little fun in the mean time though.
 
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