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Discussion Starter #1
I have been in a FWB arrangement with a male INFJ for a year now and I've only found out recently that he is an INFJ! However what confuses me is the fact that he doesn't seem to fit the general INFJ's perspective on relationships. INFJs are supposed to value long term and serious relationships and usually don't go for casual dating. They are also supposed to view sexual intimacy as a way to express their love so I'm getting confused. On the surface, he seems ok with the idea of a FWB and is completely aloof when I try to probe him for his response by raising up the ideas of me going out on dates etc. Not sure whether there are inner deeper emotions that are not being shown or what.

Being an INFP, I am obviously a hopeless romantic and tbh, this arrangement is straining me because I do not wish to waste time on something that does not give me a deeper connection. I'm also torn by the fact that it'll take me a longer time to get to know him in a deeper level considering how reserved INFJs are and he doesn't readily tell me things (it all makes sense why he's so reserved now 'cos he's an INFJ) so I'm not sure whether it's worth sticking it out.

Appreciate any views on INFJ FWB cos they would provide very helpful insights! :)
 

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Perhaps he has unreciprocated feelings for someone else?
 
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Discussion Starter #3
He came out of a 3 year relationship about two years ago. He's known to be fiercely loyal so chances are he's still healing.

Don't really know how to feel about it. On other levels I feel that we get along well, both platonic and sexually but sometimes I just don't know how long I can stick it out and know him for his true self cos I don't know how long this will take.
 

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He came out of a 3 year relationship about two years ago. He's known to be fiercely loyal so chances are he's still healing.

Don't really know how to feel about it. On other levels I feel that we get along well, both platonic and sexually but sometimes I just don't know how long I can stick it out and know him for his true self cos I don't know how long this will take.
Yes, that may well be the case. I would advise you to make your feelings and expectations known to him, but don't wait around too long hoping that he would pull himself together. INFJs in your friend's situation can be a hopeless case.
 
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Discussion Starter #5
Well what I didn't make clear in my original post is that this FWB started from a mutual interest. Eventually I suppose I didn't tick all his boxes in his ideal relationship. That made me close all my doors up and put up this superficial personality so that he can't dig deeper and I suppose he's also doing the same thing.

I feel like wanting to know him at a more intimate level after realizing he's an INFJ though. Never talked about my interests and anything deeper with him cos I thought he wouldn't understand. From here on I should probably make an effort with the INFJ and see where things go. If not romantically, I still wish to have a platonic INFJ friend cos they are such complex and enigmatic individuals!
 

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Well, it's also possible that he's mistyped. It happens. The question is - do you think you would value this individual as much if he weren't an INFJ? Enigmas are overrated. To me, it doesn't sound like he truly has what you are looking for and vise versa (romantically speaking).
 

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An INFJ friend of mine used to be quite a dedicated FWB character, but ultimately it seemed as though it was part of a futile pursuit for something he wasn't going to find until slowing down and committing to just one person.

It looked like he'd found 'it' once upon a time, but then when it fell apart (circumstantial - I don't know the details) he became a casual bed-hopper again - seemingly for two reasons: 1. To fulfill the physical aspects of his relational/sexual needs, and 2. To prevent himself from being both alone whilst maintaining his freedom at the same time.

That's just one example though - if it were me, I would find a FWB relationship quite the torment (I'm a long-term relationships guy through and through).
 

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Well, it's also possible that he's mistyped. It happens. The question is - do you think you would value this individual as much if he weren't an INFJ? Enigmas are overrated. To me, it doesn't sound like he truly has what you are looking for and vise versa (romantically speaking).
I second this; enigmas seem mysterious and exciting at first but if you don't make progress in getting past that person's aloofness, the whole thing can go sour as you keep revealing parts of yourself in the hope they'll do the same, and they...don't.
 

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So let me get this straight. You two were mutually interested in each other but instead of progressing the relationship further in any direction you decided to pull over and devolve into an fwb relationship and now your biggest prompt to moving forward is based on his personality type?

Either way you two need to seriously consider talking to each other honestly as this charade can only go on for so long.

Personally I find that FWB relationships do not work as there is always something deeper that is enabling the existence of said arrangement either from one or both parties.

Also it is troubling that your motivation for maintaining the relationship even if it went back to a platonic friendship is due to personality type and not the individual in question.
 

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Maybe you should ask him what he wants from you. If he doesn't want anything else than what you guys have now there is no reason for him to create intimacy with you. You seem to be looking for intimacy no matter what the circumstances are (you are FWB with a guy who told you that you don't tick all his boxes and he shows no interest getting to know you better). IMO it looks like you are looking for more than you are getting from him now and using his type as proof that you could get what you want from him (intimacy). But his personality type doesn't matter. Only thing that matters is what he wants from you, what you want from him and can you both get what you want from each other.

Ask him if he is willing and capable of giving you what you want. And believe what he says he wants and don't make excuses or imagine what else his actions could mean.
 
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