[Aßbiscuits]

Okay so, my girlfriend's little boy is only two-years-old. Lately he's been acting strange around me. My girlfriend says he's not like that around everyone else, it's just been me. First of all, she's the only parent he's had. He's never had a father figure. I'm the closest thing he's had to it.

So, at first he took a while to open up to me. But his mother was like that, too. It took a while especially to establish physical closeness with anyone but his mother, who wasn't very physically affectionate herself. After about two months of being in her house and getting close to both of them he finally let me hug him and then after that he'd lift his arms up so I could hold him and carry him around etc. the more his mother opened up to me and let me hug her he did the same.

But then, me and his mother got more intimate, of course there's no way he'd become aware of this but he started to act different then. Before they opened up to me at the same rate, now his mother's completely open to me; he's closing himself off.

I saw him earlier today. I'll use today as an example, because it's been the same every other day for the past week or so. His mother hugged me and kissed me on the cheek when I came in, he said "Hi" real shy as if I were a stranger or something. I picked him up to hug him and he struggled out of my arms and kept saying "down!". His mother never usually kisses me in front of him, but he'd do that anyway before for the past week. Okay so me and his mother were sitting beside each other, talking to each other, watching Simpsons. He kept demanding our attention. He'd pick up the coasters (that I bought for my gf) and throw them at the wall and scream. He's never been a brat before. When his mother left the room he came up and started hitting me! But he was laughing. Then he told me to throw him. I always throw him on the coach and he loves it. So, in hopes of him being nice to me again I picked him up and threw him gently onto the coach. Then when my girlfriend came in he started bawling as if I hurt him! She understands he's acting up though. But we have no idea why. When I was about to leave he seemed really happy. Before he'd cry.

Why is he being such a brat and acting up?

 

[KaylRyck]

How old is the little guy?

 

[Aßbiscuits]

Okay so, my girlfriend's little boy is only two-years-old.

How old is the little guy?

It's the first fecking sentence.

 

[teddy564339]

I'm no psychologist and certainly not an expert on the subject, but I'll still give my natural opinion.

I think it sounds like it's almost a subconcious jealousy. I know he's only 2, but still, it sounds as though he's only ever been with his mom. He's used to getting all of her attention. Before recently, it sounds like he probably just viewed you as a friend to his mom, someone who would just come over that he could play with. But now that you two have gotten close:

now his mother's completely open to me

he probably is sensing that something else is going on, something he's never known before. He probably feels like you're there to take his mom away from him. It's almost like he feels he has to compete with you to get his mom's love. That would explain why he's so angry at you, and why he wants to drive you away. It's like he's finally sensed that you're more than just a friend, you're someone who's intruding upon what he and his mom has.

(I know this sounds very complex for a 2 year old, but it makes sense to me...I wouldn't be surprised if he was this perceptive, even if it's all subconscious and he has no idea why he's acting that way).

So I think a lot of it probably has to do with how she's treating him. I would say she has to make sure he feels like he's still very important and loved by her.


To be honest, I'm not surprised at all by how he's acting. I know that if I was a little older, like maybe 5, and my mom all suddenly starting getting very friendly and comfortable with another adult, I would be extremely upset and angry at that person, no matter how nice they were. I think this is a very hard thing for kids, and it'll take a lot of patience on your part. I hate to say it, but he's just a kid, and I think his needs are more important than your own. I don't mean to sound insensitive to your situation and feelings by saying that, it's just my opinion.


Like I said though, I am by no means an expert, I'm just giving my outside opinion, so you can take it for what it's worth.

 

[KaylRyck]

It's the first fecking sentence.

I'm retarded.

Anyway, he coulda caught wind. Not old enough to understand "well looks like they're in love, all that matters"...you know, the mindset we shape for ourselves as we get older. In regards to LGBT. I do not believe that very young children are as neutral on the concept of love and sexuality as it seems - their environment has not yet altered this.

I'm predicting that this is not an answer you're looking for - but understand - I am ENTJ. So you're getting it nice and straight. :happy:

Also, no expert. So take with salt. I'm expecting you would naturally, though.

 

[Aßbiscuits]

I'm retarded.

Anyway, he coulda caught wind. Not old enough to understand "well looks like they're in love, all that matters"...you know, the mindset we shape for ourselves as we get older. In regards to LGBT. I do not believe that very young children are as neutral on the concept of love and sexuality as it seems - their environment has not yet altered this.

I'm predicting that this is not an answer you're looking for - but understand - I am ENTJ. So you're getting it nice and straight. :happy:

Also, no expert. So take with salt. I'm expecting you would naturally, though.

I'm not expecting any kind of answer because I don't know what the answer is. But the second guy made a lot of sense.

I don't think two-year-olds are even aware of sexuality. It's not hard-wired into children's heads to accept a straight relationship over any alternative. Not at that age anyway, it doesn't matter to them. I think in an environment where it's not accepted especially, then a child would react.

I don't think the child's thinking "Omg, my mother's a lesbian! Let's kill that dyke girlfriend of her's!" . I think maybe he'd act the same if it was a man. Maybe worse because he'd want male dominance in his house? Or a man would seem more threatening to his mother since I'm smaller than her and probably look weaker than her. I'd consider that answer if he was a bit older.

 

[teddy564339]

Or a man would seem more threatening to his mother since I'm smaller than her and probably look weaker than her. I'd consider that answer if he was a bit older.

Yeah, it's possible that in the long run it's actually better that you're a small female rather than a man. At least you know that he has some sort of problem with you. If it were a big, intimidating man instead, the kid might not feel comfortable showing his discomfort, and he might take it out on his mom, or worse, bottle everything up inside to where it caused him other problems later in life.

So at least all of you are aware of the issue and can try to work through it. I would imagine the earlier in his life you catch it the easier it is to try to come up with a solution, or at least the easier it will be for him to adapt to you and the relationship you have with his mom.

It would be easier in some ways if he was older, though...that way his mom could communicate with him better, and ask him how he felt about you and why. At this age, he probably doesn't even think about his feelings, much less be able to understand and communicate them.

But again, I think you'll just have to be patient. Be as nice to him and as sensitive to his feelings as possible...hopefully over time he'll warm up to you in this more intimate role. But like I said, I think more than anything it's going to be dependent upon how his mom treats him...at that young of an age, I think she really should make him feel like he's # 1 in her life.

 

[Aßbiscuits]

I think more than anything it's going to be dependent upon how his mom treats him...at that young of an age, I think she really should make him feel like he's # 1 in her life.

That's it! It's since she started acting like I was number one, after she told me she loved me, before she always acted like he came first and I can see why the child thinks she would be acting like I come first. Which I know isn't true, I'll have to suggest this to her. I noticed he calmed down a bit today when we both started laughing at a joke he made. He was so happy because his mother kept saying "who's the funniest little man?".

If she brings it down a notch, since she's not a very affectionate person and suddenly she's affectionate with me then he'd realise I'm not that important to her, like as important as he is. Because as I said before she's not very physically affectionate,not even with him, so how's he going to react when he sees her hugging me all the time? If she acted the way she did around a month ago I'm sure he'd return to normal.

Thanks haha. I hope this works.

 

[KaylRyck]

I don't think the child's thinking "Omg, my mother's a lesbian! Let's kill that dyke girlfriend of her's!" . .....I'd consider that answer if he was a bit older.

I do have to disagree with that. I don't think he'd have extreme prejudice, but I do honestly think that he will find it "weird". I'm of the mind that children have such things in-built, and that they are undone, or re-shaped. As opposed to being completely neutral, then built from scratch.

But then again, as you said, Teddy could very well be onto something.

 

[Aßbiscuits]

I do have to disagree with that. I don't think he'd have extreme prejudice, but I do honestly think that he will find it "weird". I'm of the mind that children have such things in-built, and that they are undone, or re-shaped. As opposed to being completely neutral, then built from scratch.

But then again, as you said, Teddy could very well be onto something.

I don't really think kids are naturally prejudiced. Though I'm not sure. If that were the case the child would be hitting his mother at this stage because she told me he saw her kiss another woman before by accident. He just looked at them and went back to whatever he was doing (probably taking everything out of a cupboard).

But I did have a cousin and when he was around two or three he used to cry when he saw black people. He was scared of their dark skin probably was too used to seeing white people.

It is interesting though, because I was raised in a homophobic household but I accept myself and there's a lot more children like that. I never thought or cared much about gay people when I found out what gay was etc either. so I was neutral. I was about six when I found out, my mother explained it to me after a famous Irish pop star came out of the closet. So where does prejudice come from?

I think it's just as simple as fearing the unknown. Something you're not used to.

Either way I don't think what the child's feelings and new reactions to me has anything to do with our same-sex relationship.

 

[Voici Claire]

that was very useful information :happy:

 

[killerB]

Either way I don't think what the child's feelings and new reactions to me has anything to do with our same-sex relationship.

As a mother of three, and in a same sex relationship myself, I can say the answer to that question is definately 'no'. I was married to a man, before I had the guts to come out and date women. After my divorce, I started to date again, women of course this time. My kids were very ok with that and they didn't have any problem with it. My kids were older at the time, 13, 8 and 5, but you would think that they would have greater issues after being with a traditional family vs. a same sex one. At first they were little angles, then after about a year, once we got married, they really started to test my wife. My youngest was the worse, but now she is like "I have two Moms and if you have a problem with that, I have a problem with you". They are all very protective of both of us now.

Your girlfriends son is a typical two year old. He is at the stage of wanting to get is needs met. Of course any person she dates will be viewed as a contender. She needs to make sure he knows that she loves him, that their special time will not end. He will test the hell out of you, and attempt to keep his mother all to himself, which is perfectly normal in a child of that age.

The best thing you can do is be consistant, let him rely on you and know he can trust you and show respect to his mother. Show him affection and honest caring about him. Actually, this is a good sign, his testing you. It means he is on his way to accept you as his mothers partner.

 

[UncertainSomething]

I agree with a lot of what teddy has said. Heres my opinion, which is pretty much what teddy said...anyway

The child might be noticing his mummy is giving you more attention but he's getting the same or less and might be feeling like he's losing his mummy to you. Also children are very sensitive to subtle social changes because they are learning about things all the time, also to add, maybe you are also sending subconscious signs of anxiety in response to the childs behaviour and the child might be picking up on that. Maybe you could try ignoring the tantrums or perceived negative behaviour by thinking about the child learning and testing the new situation. You could maybe include him more with you and his mummy together, maybe let him sit in between both of you and do something he likes, etc... also have you heard of the "terrible twos"? The terrible twos

just some ideas :happy:

 

[ariana20]

i think the conclusion you already came to about he is suddenly getting less attention from his mum now than when he was the centre of her universe is spot on, you said what i was going to post in any case
i am pretty certain your sexuality has nothing to do with any of this - i would be inclined to discount it as an issue for such a very small child
what i would say is even if you had been there since the little boy was born, as a two year old he is quite normally and naturally prone to attention seeking, jealousy, and what is commonly called the terrible two tantrums - in essence this behaviour is totally normal for his age, and the exact same behaviours are seen in traditional 'mummy daddy' households when 'daddy' comes home from work
can i suggest when you come into the house you spend 10 minutes fussing round him before you really give his mum a lot of attention then once you have made him and his toy car or the picture he did at nursery (or whatever is the current focus of his life today) feel appropriately important, and then distracted him with some age appropriate activity eg more cars/duplo bricks :laughing: you should safely be able to spend some grown up time
good luck