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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My GF likes to talk about her problems just like anyone else to someone who listens, sometimes she gets upset and uses insults "those motherfuckers sons of bitches" and I pay attention, I let her be. Sometimes after that she picks the rant on random points like I'm aware of what she is thinking and continues, if my attention fails, God forbid asking "what are you talking about?" because I should know it's about that problem. I like to listen to her, no problem, and she likes the attention I give her (even says it out loud happily).

The problem is when I have... a problem, she won't listen or pay attention to me, and if so, it's very little. Whenever I get upset and use words like "motherfuckers" she jumps right in to tell me to cool down because I'm acting like a violent animal, no so many red words please! and most of times she just fails to pay attention to my problem. If ever I just pick the conversation at a random point (just like she does) she makes me explain what's all about, what happens first, then, etc, so she puts work on me refusing to listen. I'm sick of it!!!!

My approach: doing what she does. Whenever she starts complaining about something I repeat the words she use: "yes, yes, oh, oh boy" without interest. I tried to show her what she does to me so she can understand me, because words are not working. The result? she is MAD as hell. Is that being hypocrite? So, she likes attention but does not give it back, she likes acting like that but when I do exactly the same she explodes rejecting her reflection? and calls me names? I just did to her what she does to me!

. . . .

wait for the next post...
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Now seriously... It all started as thought. Then shared a bit of real life past experiences. Started noticing a pattern... then started making up stories of my current non-existing-GF, then about non-existing-past-ex-GFs, just random stories. The stories? they don't matter, ended up being pure fiction... what matters is the pattern:

Episode A: She asks for something, I give it.
Episode B: I ask the same, she doesn't give it or gives a very poor attitude
Episode C: I decide to stop giving... instead I provide what "she" gives... (very little to nothing)
Episode D: I watch people call me things and names for being cruel


People see it as revenge
People fail to see I was trying to make her understand, not hurt her
People fail to see the origin of the problem (lack of communication?)
People accuse me... and pays little to NO attention to what she does wrong...


The experience has been very diff among genders. A lot of men said "oh man!!! my GF is just like that!", others talked about past GFs, and some shared stories on how things worked out at the end. Most of men saw the episodes... and while blaming me for suicide on doing "that", some laughed on the "try out" giving back what she gave, you know the "mirror". Women on the other side... most of them got it against me... disapproving what I did in every single aspect, a few said "obviously she did something wrong..." (here, insert hope) and then "but you acted like a stupid child", very few said, ok, she doesn't give X, then you deny it, so... it's a loose loose situation (BINGO!!!!!) but the amount of such things was... like 1 to 2... On most cases I was the one to blame.

And then I explained, it started when I shared some situations but then it was not about that, just wanted to evaluate how most people judge those scenarios. It was funny, some... rejected the story and said it was not made up, it was real and I tried to cover it because I didn't receive attention.


And all... was pure... fiction. Is interesting how most females (not all, but most) didn't show empathy for the other party. NOW I'm thinking the experiment was most about attention, I wonder if made up situations about sex could show the same pattern, why? because in many cultures "attention" or at least that kind is expected from women, but not actually... socially expected to be given in the same way to men "about their problems".

Interesting, yes is boring to read, but fun to see the patterns when you actually go out and try it, some people just don'0t want to listen.
 

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Well I think you should maybe try being direct with her rather then make an example out of her. Just seems like it will irritate her more then necessary to almost parrot her behavior in mockery vs if you just said flat out shes not listening to you.

Shrugs I dunno just a thought
 

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Fascinating. I can see the plausibility of culture treating women's problems as needing more sympathy than men's.

It would fit with the notion that men are more independent/strong and are supposed to be able to deal with their feelings on their own.

It would also fit with the discrepancy we sometimes see in regards to men's issues in society vs. women's issues in society (in relation to feminism) but that's a can of worms, no doubt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Fascinating. I can see the plausibility of culture treating women's problems as needing more sympathy than men's.

It would fit with the notion that men are more independent/strong and are supposed to be able to deal with their feelings on their own.

It would also fit with the discrepancy we sometimes see in regards to men's issues in society vs. women's issues in society (in relation to feminism) but that's a can of worms, no doubt.

It's been as fascinating as frustrating. Made up stories as "she spited on me out of rage" so when we were discussing things a week later "I did the same to her", such stories end up getting ZERO attention to her spitting on me, and all the accusations on me spitting on her, doing it back (revenge) etc. Can't even see one thing initiating the other, why? because B wouldn't have happened without A. Very interesting how some people decide to ignore a whole bunch of facts.

But then again those were just made up stories, I tried my best to build A, then B exactly as a direct reflection, mirror from A, and as much as I tried... no luck. Interesting and frustrating.
 

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I find that this is a common occurrence in my relationships with people, mostly females. Maybe it's because they get used to you giving more than you take from the beginning and that's just what becomes natural to them.
 

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Now seriously... It all started as thought. Then shared a bit of real life past experiences. Started noticing a pattern... then started making up stories of my current non-existing-GF, then about non-existing-past-ex-GFs, just random stories. The stories? they don't matter, ended up being pure fiction... what matters is the pattern:

Episode A: She asks for something, I give it.
Episode B: I ask the same, she doesn't give it or gives a very poor attitude
Episode C: I decide to stop giving... instead I provide what "she" gives... (very little to nothing)
Episode D: I watch people call me things and names for being cruel


People see it as revenge
People fail to see I was trying to make her understand, not hurt her
People fail to see the origin of the problem (lack of communication?)
People accuse me... and pays little to NO attention to what she does wrong...


The experience has been very diff among genders. A lot of men said "oh man!!! my GF is just like that!", others talked about past GFs, and some shared stories on how things worked out at the end. Most of men saw the episodes... and while blaming me for suicide on doing "that", some laughed on the "try out" giving back what she gave, you know the "mirror". Women on the other side... most of them got it against me... disapproving what I did in every single aspect, a few said "obviously she did something wrong..." (here, insert hope) and then "but you acted like a stupid child", very few said, ok, she doesn't give X, then you deny it, so... it's a loose loose situation (BINGO!!!!!) but the amount of such things was... like 1 to 2... On most cases I was the one to blame.

And then I explained, it started when I shared some situations but then it was not about that, just wanted to evaluate how most people judge those scenarios. It was funny, some... rejected the story and said it was not made up, it was real and I tried to cover it because I didn't receive attention.


And all... was pure... fiction. Is interesting how most females (not all, but most) didn't show empathy for the other party. NOW I'm thinking the experiment was most about attention, I wonder if made up situations about sex could show the same pattern, why? because in many cultures "attention" or at least that kind is expected from women, but not actually... socially expected to be given in the same way to men "about their problems".

Interesting, yes is boring to read, but fun to see the patterns when you actually go out and try it, some people just don'0t want to listen.
Honestly my reaction is always the same irregardless of the gender associated. Like say for instance the roles were switched and the girlfriend was the one ignoring the boyfriend in order to make an example of his behavior and how it hurt her. My response would be the same as Cinnamon's, just be direct about what's bothering you. Emulating their behavior isn't going to help. It'll only exacerbate matters because if that person doesn't realize what they're doing to begin with, and they're already self centered, then they're going to miss the point entirely and then paint you out to be a villain who mistreats them rather than realizing the issue at hand.

In this sort of example I don't view either party as being innocent. I view it more as: Person A is being inconsiderate/neglectful and Person B is responding in a childish manner which won't help to solve the situation.
 
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I find that this is a common occurrence in my relationships with people, mostly females. Maybe it's because they get used to you giving more than you take from the beginning and that's just what becomes natural to them.
Maybe it's because you call them 'females'.
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Maybe it's because you call them 'females'.
Just a comment for you, and would be a question for Children of the Bad Revolution: it depends, the forum is multicultural and multilingual, I'm native spanish speaker, not english and while I know english, noticed how diff people (diff countries) refer to women, females, girls. We have one word for the woman who is with you in love, english has two: girl-friend, kinda like boy-friend, while is not spanish specific question.... because I've seen it on another thread discussed directly, the matter was "GF", because a member said it kinda meant one has a relationship with a very young woman, a "girl", so, from diff perspectives there is a lot to say about language without negative meanings.

I don't like using girlfriend, it sounds to me as a underage woman
I don' like "females", it sounds like animal gender but I grew used to use it just like I see it
I don't like "women" in some contexts because many take it as a accusation "like women"
Even in spanish talking, sometimes like "you know, women..." whatever "women" can be taken as an accusation... such things are so boring, when I hear "you know, men..." I know it's the gender and VERY RARELY find negative meaning but that's jut me.

I know those are things not evident to the ones who use that language as native, but they are to me, pay no much attention to this, I archive this under "lost in translation", but I have no clue on the reasons of COTB Revolution.
 

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Spell things out for her, "When I'm talking to you, I want to feel safe. And feel like you got my back. When you're being silent or judgmental, I feel rejected."

Go from there. Though, the fact that this ain't common sense to her means you'll have to be patient, assuming that she's willing to change.
 

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Have you actually talked to her about this being an issue? If you haven't, it just sounds like you're trying to add fuel to the fire.
 

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I feel like instead of passive-aggressively making an 'example' out of it, the next time you are trying to just rant and she isn't listening, why not a direct, "When you are upset, I listen to you, it really bothers me that you arn't hearing me right now".
 

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Hmm how many times did you try to explain to her how you feel? In how many different ways? Sometimes we have less compatibility with some people, so they might not get what we are trying to explain even tought we think we are speaking crystal clear. So with this and probably lack of empathy/awareness from her about your feelings, there might be things to work out with.

Honestly trying to give the same coin to the other person so that she can understand how you felt can work, however it needs to be well used and not as something to really get back at the other person but only to see if she can understand it. I've found myself doing this in a few instances as I was tired of not being understood in some things and opportunities arised, but in those instances I clearly reminded him of the situations that happened to me and asked if he understood how I felt then. He is quite Si-Fi so sometimes it's through experience that he gets it. :p
Otherwise I do prefer to express how I feel directly, even if it takes many times. I try to figure out alternate ways to explain, and see how I can explain clearly for other people to understand. I just don't like to let things go unresolved or hidden, my husband can detect if something is wrong anyways. I also tell him to tell me things directly. Sometimes I might be wrong and not get it at first, but how would I know if he just tries once or twice and then not bring it up anymore? I need to learn if I'm wrong by the other person insisting on letting me know how he feels.

IMO, you should try to talk to her more times or even in different ways. If she cares then she should care for your feelings and support you too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I was waiting for more posts to come to make things clear. The experiment has nothing to do with my "exGF" or my "current GF" because it's all made up (it's been said above). It's about telling a story and how some people fail to see what's bad first, then bad again from another person, most people think not so bad, then "worse".

Just like I said, it's a made up story
I also said the stories don't matter, it's the pattern
It's all about people blaming the second person
and failing to see the provocation or the beginning
and worse... now failing to see there are no stories...
the story is: me telling you how people react to made up stories

Thanks for the advice to me on how to deal with that, it's non existent. As I said the stories don't matter. Example: she told me to fuck off, I was hurt, then I told her "you fuck up". There is no such thing, that didn't happen, but it's a made up story of the same pattern: someone tells me/some man, something, me/he reacts with the same words... result? most people will blame him for hitting back or for "playing mirror".

The hypocrisy experiment consist on how people will apply diff rules to both parties. The thread is to share that experiment (please re read the OP), and it's made clear there, BY NO MEANS was an attempt to deceive readers into some problem I'm facing, there is none right now. I believe LostFavor completely got the point.

Fascinating. I can see the plausibility of culture treating women's problems as needing more sympathy than men's.

It would fit with the notion that men are more independent/strong and are supposed to be able to deal with their feelings on their own.

It would also fit with the discrepancy we sometimes see in regards to men's issues in society vs. women's issues in society (in relation to feminism) but that's a can of worms, no doubt.
Kebachi, thanks, this is also my approach. (quote below) when someone tells me the exact pattern I posted on the OP I surely see diff scenarios, but seeing A did X to B and then B did X to A, I tell them, so B is upset for X that you did, then B responded with X and you don't like it, but you FAIL to see what YOU did initially? when I do this to fellow men they usually end without words, when I do it to women they get upset and say something "BUT..." and start to justify things...


Honestly my reaction is always the same irregardless of the gender associated. Like say for instance the roles were switched and the girlfriend was the one ignoring the boyfriend in order to make an example of his behavior and how it hurt her. My response would be the same as Cinnamon's, just be direct about what's bothering you. Emulating their behavior isn't going to help. It'll only exacerbate matters because if that person doesn't realize what they're doing to begin with, and they're already self centered, then they're going to miss the point entirely and then paint you out to be a villain who mistreats them rather than realizing the issue at hand.

In this sort of example I don't view either party as being innocent. I view it more as: Person A is being inconsiderate/neglectful and Person B is responding in a childish manner which won't help to solve the situation.
I agree with you and AriesLilith too, because sometimes I believe doing the same back can be an attempt to explain things, but just like you said it, it can also be a childish way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
In short... I believe (just my perception)...

My "made up GF" can cheat on me, sex. OK, and if I do the same so she can feel the same... it would be the two of us doing something wrong. Many would see it as revenge. The thing is:

- I will be doing something wrong, and worse because it's considered revenge
- She should be doing something wrong, and worse (diff like me) because there was no provocation

Most people will treat things differently (towards me) seeing, very likely (based on my experiments), saying she did it for some reason while I did it for revenge. The fail is, seeing both did something wrong, BOTH. Hypocrisy? because we can't... we shouldn't blame someone for the same thing... the same thing other person did but we have nothing to say about it.

And no, there was no cheating, the experiment is people reaction, not the stories (all made up).
 

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@changos You are right.

Like yourself, I feel that most people sympathizes with the self-involved, ranting, whining, self-proclaimed victim in the equation. It is not necessarily a gender thing.

Not sure about the need to be a soundboard for such people, or the need to 'experiment' with fictional case scenarios. Either accept the role of soundboard or move on.
 

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You might be dealing with a droning, oblivious, self-absorbed person. It is easy to want to throw it back at them subtly but ultimately you are probably creating resentment -- she might not even notice your experiment, but her failure to notice will frustrate you more. These people drain you because they are unbalanced. Try laying your cards out openly, and see how she reacts immediately and over time.

My thoughts on these types of people are that they are rarely or never rebuked for their behavior. It would be awkward to to tell them what a egocentric leech they are, so most people sit tight and let them go on. The person might never really look at their behavior as off-putting. These people are often the star of their own anecdotes, or manage to wedge in their own spin on everything, directing the focus of conversation to them frequently. If others are around, watch their eyes to find them glazing over.
 
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