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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My INFP friend is dating a very controlling, insecure, and jealous guy.

Even though I deeply disliked the relationship, I was never anything but supporting, kind, and engaging with his bf. However, because his bf was concerned about our bond (friends for years, philosophical, existential, we had lots of deep talks, late night hangouts, nothing romantic), he told him not to talk to me.
In an effort to please him, he obliged, and told me he was sorry. He seems to be okay with the idea that we're theoretically close, even if we spend no time together and never talk. I warned him how upset this made me, and told him I could not subsist on the "dream of a friendship."

He told me not to be sad, and that there wasn't anything he could do.

How could he be so calloused and weak? They broke up briefly, but then his bf begged him to take him back (the bf broke up with him, though my friend had considered breaking it off, and I think they had been bickering/fighting).

I thought I had convinced him to that letting his bf destroy our friendship was unfair and unacceptable, and for a little while our line of communication was more open than it had been in over a year (mind you, we only hung out once, had a few catching up heart-to-hearts, and just a few texts after that).

Once again, he never initiates conversation with me, responds tersely to my texts. I started writing poetry again (he writes and loves poetry), and thought I could get some feedback out of him. He seemed excited at the prospect because he told me he's always wanted "poets to pote" with (something like that, lol), but I think all I got out of him was "It's an interesting piece".

I would have been less insulted if he had told me they sucked. He's back to keeping his distance (well, we live in different cities, but I can hardly get ten words out of him at a time), and I told him how upset it made me before. He has repeatedly assured me I've done nothing wrong, but I'm so angry that he's cutting me off again.

Do I give up? He's assured me again and again that this isn't because of me, once he even said he was scared to talk to me, but he that he still wanted to be my friend. I've always stayed out of the relationship even when I wanted to tell him to get out of it (even when he asked me if he should break up with him, I declined to make that kind of decision for him).

For a long time I thought maybe I had done something wrong. I know we had shared potentially romantic feelings several years ago, but agreed we couldn't explore them (I was in a relationship and he was entering one). I've done nothing to threaten his bf, but I sense he is a very possessive, domineering person who views me as a threat (irrationally!!).

So, wtf, I don't understand, help. This just doesn't seem fair. I need my close friends, otherwise, I'll go insane. I need those conversations and that world to explore...

Lets get Fi up in this bitch.
 

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Hmm, it's pretty difficult to argue with an INFP (or anyone, for that matter) who has made up his or her mind. Sorry to say, but I don't see much you can do except hope your friend eventually decides to leave this destructive relationship behind :/

That said, it is doubtful that anyone, especially anyone young, would stay in a relationship like this for the long-term. I think there's a really good chance you'll get your friend back, it's just going to take some waiting.
 

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This is terrible, sorry to hear it. My suggestion would be to do something like this:

Write to him (or call him), and let him know that you are putting your entire friendship on suspension. Be honest, and tell him you do not believe he is in a healthy or productive relationship in the first place, and that it is not realistic for him to be putting you in this position. Next tell him that you will welcome him back entirely or not at all. Make it clear to him, that you are worth much more than what he is currently offering as a friend, and tell him that he's worth more to you than that also.

I would recommend being firm and non relenting, but also be merciful and patient. He will break things off "for good" eventually, and even though it hurts you, you can be a supportive friend when he's "back." You can tell him this as well.

I wish you guys the best of luck!
 

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Wow I really respect you for sticking by him after he devalued your friendship. I don't really have any advice on what you should do. But I want you to know that I admire you for the way you have handled this
 

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Unfortunately, I've been in a similar situation...except I was in your INFP's shoes. Eventually the relationship ended and I sought out my old friends for help. Luckily, they were all there for me when the ex dumped me. It's one of those lessons learned the hard way I guess. I'm sure your friend's relationship won't last, so when it ends you can be there for him if you so choose. I do think you deserve better than that though. Perhaps talk to him about it once the relationship ends?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you, he is important for me, and my obsession with fairness screams: This isn't right. A friendship can't die over this!

But it does seem grim. I don't know what to do. When do I unleash the Fe volcano? When I engage feelings of being wronged (FURY) I have a tendency to say monstrous (accurate) things that can't be taken back. But I feel like I've been in danger of being too passive in trying to temper my dissatisfaction.

I did tell him I give up on him once, but that didn't last obviously.

I have choked down evil desires to obliterate their relationship (self-aggrandizing fantasies, lol).
 

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I have choked down evil desires to obliterate their relationship (self-aggrandizing fantasies, lol).
Yeah, whatever you do, don't take matters into your own hands. I had a friend that tried to do that and she's not my friend anymore. Resist that temptation.

Trust that the relationship will end on its own. I'm about 95% sure it will. INFPs may come across as being very submissive (stereotypically), but many of us have an inner rebel that hates being controlled. :cool:
 

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If he actually is in an unhealthy, controlling, domineering relationship, then unleashing your feelings of being wronged won't help him, as a friend, at all.

Probably, if this is true, then he is already conditioned to unhealthily tend to another person's needs above his own, and he has maybe even forgotten what he needs. So making him feel guilty for not paying you enough attention or love is just going to invoke the same response as what his partner does, and it's going to make his mindset worse.

Also, I am the type of person who has friendships in which we don't talk to each other for years, and yet they still seem valuable to me. The INFP might be similar--Fe, I think, tends to look at externally structuring relationships (as in, I call then they call, then I call on their birthday and they call on mine, then they give me a gift and I give them a gift), but I don't think Fi is so interested in this. Fi might be like, "we shared some amazing things, and none of them conflict with my values about relationships now, so even if I don't talk to them, or even if our relationship isn't reciprocal at this time, we are still friends." Of course, having boundaries is healthy, and if you do not feel you can satisfy the relationship as it is (because you are unsatisfied) then you should do what you need to do for yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Also, I am the type of person who has friendships in which we don't talk to each other for years, and yet they still seem valuable to me.
But from my end, that would make me feel unimportant, expendable, sad, and full of doubt/confidence issues. Especially when I would see (facebook is bad for mental health) him having casual conversations with my roommate (who I was not getting along with), or other friends who had been downright bitchy about his relationship. Like, that's just not fair!

An outsider can't be tuned in to your unspoken, internal value system. They get no reassurance, no explanation. That's borderline delusional (sorry, not trying to insult you).

I couldn't be happy with the idealized, "we're too close to talk, that's how important you are" kind of infp jedi mind-trick. I feel like sometimes INFPs romanticize the broken, dysfunctional, but using myself as an example, that can really hurt people!

However, it sounds like maybe things are improving. He said he wants to catch up about life, writing projects etc. That's better than a year of near-silence.
 

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Can I ask some questions so that I totally understand the situation and its context ?

1 - Are you a guy? Is your "Friend" another guy?
2 - Are you a homosexual and is your friend a homosexual too ?
3 - Can you identify the feelings that you have with your friend, when the BF entered the scene. Were you jealous, or were you possessive ? Or did you feel that it was wrong to throw away your past friendship for the sake of the new relationship etc?
4 - Do you really really love your friend ? If your friend has a chance at true love, will you stop him/her from doing so, or will you be supportive ?

I'm just curious...
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Platonic, intellectual cohort. Jealous, no, possessive, no. I wanted to get to know his bf and welcome him into the group of friends. Yes, I did feel it was wrong, and I think that is mutually exclusive to an assumption of me being possessive or hostile (because I wasn't). At first, nothing seemed wrong to. It was over time that the bf decided he didn't want us talking. We never discussed anything romantic. I know that previously, before they ever met, we had confessed the possibility of romantic feelings, but shelved them because I was in a relationship and he was beginning to date.
4. Yes, and I was supportive. I've stayed out of the way, though it's been painful. His family and his friends have actually been concerned about some of the details of the relationship, as have I. Ultimately though, it's his decision. However, I don't think he's been completely happy and knows part of the relationship is wrong if not psychologically abusive.

No offense, but if you're trying to turn this back on me and convince me I'm delusional or unreasonable, you have your work cut out for you. I don't suspect that's true, but I want to communicate, not to pat myself on the back, that I have been very careful not to interfere with his relationship, only to let him know how cutting me off has affected me.
 

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We just talked some, like a real conversation. Now I feel like the boy who cried wolf.

Maybe things are different this time.
Ha -- maybe.

Do you realize you sound like every woman [i know you're not female, but run with this!] whose husband has abused her, and then right when she's about to leave, they have a good afternoon together and she thinks maybe "this time it's going to be different"?

I agree in general with all the other posters who say there isn't much you can do except when engage him when he allows it (like this last conversation you mention). If the relationship he is in isn't what he wants, he'll eventually walk.

However, I do agree that what he did to you (betraying your friendship this other relationship) wasn't right and has likely damaged your friendship to some degree. When that happens too much, friendships are lost. Hopefully this will be a learning experience for him, and he'll realize that your friendship is really important. I don't think you're required to never be mum, he does need to know how his decisions impact you even if you can't control (nor want to control) his behavior.

Probably having a blowup isn't going to be constructive, though. It would have to be a better-timed, calmer conversation.

I do have some people in my life who I still feel close to in the way meltedsorbet states, where we don't talk much but still feel close. However, friendships typically get deeper if you DO invest, and those distant friendships are not choices to specifically cut someone else or pick someone else as more important; we still know that whenever we pick up the phone, the other person will be there.
 
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