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Discussion Starter #1
So the other night my INTJ friend and I had some edibles and I guess maybe he had a little too much and totally lost his filter (more than he does sober lol). Anyway he asked me to be friends with benefits.
This is alarming to me because
1. A while ago I had said I liked him and he told me he just wanted to be friends, which I accepted.
2. Pretty sure he's just lonely and horny so he asked me.
3. When he was done being high the way he rationalized it (asking to be FwB) pissed me off
4. I feel guilty because even though I said 'no' I kind of wish I said 'yes' which indicates I still have some feelings for him. I mostly said no because we are best friends and I can see he is lonely...I don't want to feel used.

I'm wondering if perhaps I should distance myself from him because I still like him? Also even if he was high I find it pretty insensitive to ask me such a thing knowing I *liked* him.
I also did tell him that it made me feel cheap and he literally cried a little (which I have never seen him do) and told me I was far from it, etc. Idk I'm getting mixed signals here, he treats me like I'm the best thing ever but apparently doesn't like me.

I'm still pretty young but if I like you as a friend and want to have sex with you then that's a good indication that I can date you. If not for that, what other factors make people date?


*to note he did apologize profusely for asking, literally off and on for 5 hours until I wanted to maim him :dry:
So the problem is really how am I supposed to just be friends with him? And I don't really get why he doesn't want to try dating.
 

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You clearly don't want to be friends with benefits with him, so my advice is that you should stick to this gut feeling and not compromise to suit his fantaisies. He's taking advantage of the feelings you have for him, because obviously if you like him the idea of having sex with him can be appealing, but you said it : you would feel used. If you already know how bad you would feel if you accepted his proposition, you'd definitely regret it if you happened to yield in a moment of weakness, so just don't, especially if you hope he would fall in love later.

Why doesn't he want to date you ? Unless you ask him, you won't know, and I don't think it would be helpful in any way (it could even make you want to change for him). He may have many reasons, but what matters is that he asked you to be a fwb, not a girlfriend (and it absolutely doesn't mean you're unworthy of love).


Also even if he was high I find it pretty insensitive to ask me such a thing knowing I *liked* him.
And you're absolutely right. I don't see how he treats you like "the best thing ever" ? Even if he apoligized and kinda cried.


I'm still pretty young but if I like you as a friend and want to have sex with you then that's a good indication that I can date you. If not for that, what other factors make people date?
Well, many other factors, including the ones that would make you feel used if they weren't taken into account (if sex and friendship were the only ingredients of a love relationship, this situation wouldn't be frustrating for you). And no matter what would indicate that you want to date someone, this wouldn't necessarily apply to everybody else.

I don't know how old you are, but at least you know what you want and what you don't want in a relationship, you set the boundaries, and your friend has to accept them (i.e not ask you for sex and respect it if you became distant, which could be a good thing to "forget" him), else he isn't a friend.

So yeah, basically, stay strong, take care, and don't go against your principles/feelings nor change for a guy, even an INTJ. You deserve love and respect :happy:
 

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I would react the same way too after getting asked that especially after telling them that you like them. I find it quite disrespectful.... manipulative even. And how would it even "benefit" you when you know he doesnt feel the same way you do but still wants to be physical?

If it were me, I'd keep my distance.
 

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I'll add that I have nothing against this type of relationship in general, but your post @Short Cake Cake clearly indicates that it's not what you want.
Sex must always imply full mutual consent and only positive emotions, and I don't want you to regret later what you thought was consented at some point.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@mangosloth
Oh yes, I don't mind FwB in general either I just don't think I can do it with him.
And I mean beyond that day he is generally a nice friend, it was just this night where I felt horribly used...

So when he rejected me I asked why and he just said he didn't feel that way about me, I see you as a friend kind of thing. It hasn't been that long, I'm certain a person wouldn't ask what he did if they weren't attracted to the person lol. So I'm left overthinking things.

And even though I considered it I did say no. I'm 18 btw, and thanks I agree I definitely deserve love and respect. I just don't know how to repair the trust he's lost in asking me.
@zombiefishy
Yea I've considered taking a break from him, right after he sobered up a bit he literally said it was inappropriate of him to ask. It's just he did and now I'm stuck. I don't want to feel like a pushover but I want him to really know how much it hurts to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to be one of my best friends.
 

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You do realize FwB basically means "I'd have sex with you but you don't mean enough to me for me to actually commit" right? I know it's harsh when put that way, and I'm sure he doesn't realize that that's basically what he is saying, but that doesn't change the fact that he basically just told you that what he places most value on is your body.

Of course, if you are indeed friends with him and he did spill a tear over it then he probably doesn't think that lowly of you. However, I'd be on guard around him if I were you. If that's what he said without a filter then that is probably what is in his heart.
 

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I think you did the right thing for sure. I'm putting myself in your place and I'm gonna tell you what I would now do. I might focus now on what you DO want. For instance, if you do want to find a boyfriend then go out and look for one. If this friendship seems kind of hurtful, go out and look for friends and interests that make you feel good about yourself. If you need to throw yourself into school, good. If you need to find a good cause, good. But your time and your person are too valuable to waste sorrow over this. This isn't the important point, but sometimes it takes moving forward for the guys to realize the good thing they had when they had it. He obviously values you, has friend-zoned you for unknown reasons--- he may be completely wrong about what he needs. He may be right about his needs. But YOU are going to go forward and get your needs met in the way that you know how. I hope this helps a bit--- it's what would help me, anyway, if I were in your shoes. =)
 

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It's up to you if you want to "stay friends" after this.

People sometimes say what they don't mean when drunk -- or they find the courage to say what they DO mean when drunk. Which one is it, for him? Did he proposition you because alcohol gave him the courage to ask a selfish question or was it a stupid idea that floated into his mind?

Either way, a post above is right: FWB basically means "I want sex from you, but no commitment."

It also never really works. SOMEONE always gets emotionally involved -- and if you already have feelings for him, it would hurt 10 times more to be sleeping with him knowing he doesn't want any kind of emotional attachment to you, at all.

Good for you in telling him no.

If he wants it, he can commit to a grown up relationship where he has responsibilities / boundaries / must give emotionally.

If all he wants is emotionless sex, there's hookers for that.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
You do realize FwB basically means "I'd have sex with you but you don't mean enough to me for me to actually commit" right? I know it's harsh when put that way, and I'm sure he doesn't realize that that's basically what he is saying, but that doesn't change the fact that he basically just told you that what he places most value on is your body.

Of course, if you are indeed friends with him and he did spill a tear over it then he probably doesn't think that lowly of you. However, I'd be on guard around him if I were you. If that's what he said without a filter then that is probably what is in his heart.
Exactly and when I told him he made me feel cheap like that, that's when he cried lol. And I also said you can't blame it on the weed, it doesn't make you say falsehoods. His rationale after he was less high was basically that he has been horny and lonely even more than usual this week so that's why he dumped that all on me, the person closest to him. He said it made him say things he normally wouldn't. He did tell me other things but they were things he's told me sober just with less emotion.

So I find that to sound like BS, cause I'm sure if I was one of his male friends he would not have asked them the same thing. I really do think that's what might be in his heart of hearts and that's kind of an uncomfortable thought.
Thanks for your input, I definitely am more wary of him and he really has lost some of my trust.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I think you did the right thing for sure. I'm putting myself in your place and I'm gonna tell you what I would now do. I might focus now on what you DO want. For instance, if you do want to find a boyfriend then go out and look for one. If this friendship seems kind of hurtful, go out and look for friends and interests that make you feel good about yourself. If you need to throw yourself into school, good. If you need to find a good cause, good. But your time and your person are too valuable to waste sorrow over this. This isn't the important point, but sometimes it takes moving forward for the guys to realize the good thing they had when they had it. He obviously values you, has friend-zoned you for unknown reasons--- he may be completely wrong about what he needs. He may be right about his needs. But YOU are going to go forward and get your needs met in the way that you know how. I hope this helps a bit--- it's what would help me, anyway, if I were in your shoes. =)
Not looking for a BF, I had one a little while ago and that ended horribly. Then I fell for this dude who yes friend zoned me. I've gone on dates but just for fun. So in theory if I didn't have previous feelings for him friends with benefits could have worked but I don't like being manipulated, which this feels like a bit of.
Thank you for your advice, I'll have to think more on what I want.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
It's up to you if you want to "stay friends" after this.

People sometimes say what they don't mean when drunk -- or they find the courage to say what they DO mean when drunk. Which one is it, for him? Did he proposition you because alcohol gave him the courage to ask a selfish question or was it a stupid idea that floated into his mind?

Either way, a post above is right: FWB basically means "I want sex from you, but no commitment."

It also never really works. SOMEONE always gets emotionally involved -- and if you already have feelings for him, it would hurt 10 times more to be sleeping with him knowing he doesn't want any kind of emotional attachment to you, at all.

Good for you in telling him no.

If he wants it, he can commit to a grown up relationship where he has responsibilities / boundaries / must give emotionally.

If all he wants is emotionless sex, there's hookers for that.
I don't have a clue, what I do know is sober or not it doesn't matter. It's the fact that it was said and when I said no he indeed asked 2xs more before I changed the subject.

And yea, I totally get what FwB is haha that's why I said no to him. And I agree, I won't give him anything I don't feel is deserved. Thanks for your reasonable advise. It's funny how I have a friend who is much older (30) and her advise was I should have let him have sex with me then I control the relationship but I was like...that doesn't sound like it's gonna work lol.
 

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I wouldn't even want to be as close with him after that. He probably figured, eh I don't want a relationship with her, but if she likes me then I may as well get some ass.

He may or may not have thought about how that came out. Since you say he was high, maybe not, but then again, the truth usually comes out when you're impaired. In either case, what a friend to have. smh
 

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Discussion Starter #16
@ponpiri

That could be true but I said I liked him a while ago and I didn't give any indication that I still might be interested in anything other than friendship (as of the present when he asked). I can't figure out if it was just his pent up feelings or not. He says he probably would have said that to any of his friends even his male ones (he is not gay). I have doubts about that.


See I agree, I do think the truth comes out then. I guess I really don't want him to think of me that way when I have been such a great friend to him and I don't deserve this.
 

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@ponpiri

That could be true but I said I liked him a while ago and I didn't give any indication that I still might be interested in anything other than friendship (as of the present when he asked). I can't figure out if it was just his pent up feelings or not. He says he probably would have said that to any of his friends even his male ones (he is not gay). I have doubts about that.


See I agree, I do think the truth comes out then. I guess I really don't want him to think of me that way when I have been such a great friend to him and I don't deserve this.
Lying ass. He knows what he's doing, so don't doubt yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Lying ass. He knows what he's doing, so don't doubt yourself.
Lol. He has poor social skills. Probably worse than what the 'stereotypical INTJ' has. If he has been duping me this whole time I'm slightly impressed....




@angelcat

A few but I couldn't say anything conclusive. That video was fun tho lol
Really it doesn't matter if he's lying, he probably did that to save face later. A little after he asked me I asked 'why did you ask me that?' He kept saying Idk over and over as well as apologizing.

But when he became more sober he said it was because he had been feeling extra horny and lonely all week. Then he told me now that he knows the reason he felt relived....
So it feels like an excuse he came up with...-___-

I know I should ditch him as a friend but I always (mostly) give people second chances, which is sometimes great and sometimes not...
We don't have any of the same friends so I'm not sure how to set boundaries and not hang out so intimately.
 

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He did tell me other things but they were things he's told me sober just with less emotion.

So I find that to sound like BS, cause I'm sure if I was one of his male friends he would not have asked them the same thing. I really do think that's what might be in his heart of hearts and that's kind of an uncomfortable thought.
Thanks for your input, I definitely am more wary of him and he really has lost some of my trust.
I'm going to share a little part of a discussion I had the other day with my husband.

Prompted by the subject matter of another ENFP thread, I mentioned to my husband (INTJ) the thought that perhaps some types theoretically were more likely to save sex for marriage than others. He thought about it for a while and said that that could be possible, but that he highly doubted INTJs would be among those types. Why?

"Because I think INTJs without any moral inhibitions in that area are more likely to see an opportunity for sex and take advantage of it." He added that he believes a lot of INTJs are likely to view sex as a mere object or goal to be obtained. Not type exclusive obviously, but that was his take on it.

As my dad, a former alcoholic and drug abuser many years ago told me, "People will tell you they were lying about all the things they said when they were drunk, but I find that generally people are the most honest when they're drunk." I think that applies to anything else that damages your filter, including drugs.

I'm going to be honest with you - I'd run for the hills. He's already told you what he's all about. You can find better friends than someone who wants to take advantage of you because he wants sex and knows you have feelings for him. The truth is, you couldn't fill that hole in him even if you wanted to. Sex can't fill that empty hole. I know you want to give him a second chance, but don't: it's a mistake, and it could have some really bad consequences. Do yourself (and even him) a favor and move on.

P.S. Get rid of that "friend" who advised you to have sex with him. Anyone who would advise you to have sex with someone so you could have power in a relationship is a toxic person you don't need in your life. That's some deeply convoluted thought process right there because 1. Sex for power is disgusting, hideously manipulative, and immature, and 2. Sex for power only works temporarily (if at all) and in your case would have the total opposite effect because you're the one who is emotionally attached, not him, meaning you would be giving him the power in the relationship. Anyone who can't see that is clearly lacking the most basic social intelligence. Get her out of your life posthaste and replace her with someone who is intelligent and principled.
 
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